Fear of Intimacy

He has kids, which is a dealbreaker straight out of the gate for me. But beyond that, he's not very smart, we have very little in common, and he seems very childish even when taking the age difference into account

>he's not very smart
FORGET HIM RIGHT NOW.

One cat

Also a dog

Will they be with you in your 40s, 50s?

I don't really want to get into it, but arguably my father screwed me up pretty badly, but not through the usual molestation. I had always avoided blaming my parents growing up, but i have wondered lately.

I have two sisters and both are married, but both have severe issues that manifest in other ways.

I mean, I'm 37 now, so 40s is a likely possibilty from a technical standpoint.

>37 now
Dear lady, it's a RED LINE...

What do you mean?

I look like I'm in my 20s, which may explain why i only seem to attract young guys.

So basically, you have normal standards I guess.
Are you ok being alone, or you want to have a relationship for yourself, or because you see that's what other people want?

I've pretty much emotionally accepted I'm likely to die alone, and not just die alone but die without having experienced a relationship or intimacy (sexual or otherwise).

There are some practical irritations though. And i would genuinely like to feel a connection with someone

were you in coma lasts 17 years? or what you did?

ingest mdma

I was hung up on one of the two men i already mentioned for 10 years.

I also thought i was asexual up until i was in my 20s when it became undeniable that i was not.

wow 10 years without sex you are a loyal person lol

Then I guess you have to take the charge, you can't wait for men making the first step.
Nobody has ever made the first step for me, I believe you will be similar. Find what you like and go for it, rejection is very normal thing to experience.
Go peruse friendships even with ulterior motive at first, you will decide when you get to know them, just put yourself more out there. You can do online dating too, but I just feel like you've never really perused other people even if they have been interesting to you. They don't have to be bam instant connection, some things take time, and people won't show their true face the first time you talk to them.
More action, less thinking imho.

>I don't really want to get into it

If you want to fix your problem you're going to have to get into it. Your issue is 100% completely rooted in your childhood. You have 100% failed to develop normal emotional attachments to men in your life because of the trauma you experienced from your father. In your attempts to avoid "blaming" your parents you've completely glossed over the key to unlocking the truth of your fears. The truth is that trauma and/or abuse in early childhood drastically affects our development. It completely shapes who we are as adults. When trauma happens to us in early development our development tends to cease. You effectively have the emotional capacity of a child because that's where your growth was frozen in time. You never learned to develop healthy emotional bonds with men because the man you were supposed to practice that with robbed you of it and completely fucked up your perception of relationships.

You have to seek therapy. You have to unbox these issues that you've spent all these years avoiding. You're 30 years old, woman. You don't have that much time left. You are focused on literally every other thing than the thing you should be focused on. This is not about your standards. This is not about being asexual. This is not about the kind of guys you attract. This is not about the young guy who is attracted to you. This is 100% about you not facing your past and not seeking treatment for your childhood trauma.

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oh cmon freudian detective

>kids
Bet they're with more than one woman too and he has custody with none of them.

Run away.

Its psychology 101, dude. You learn this freshmen year of college. Little girls that get fucked up by their dads have fucked up relationships with men. Little boys that get fucked up by their moms have fucked up relationships with women. This isn't rocket science.

I don't like labels after calling myself asexual wasted my youth, but the idea of "demisexual" resonates. It takes a lot of time and trust for me to develop feelings for someone. Shame the two times it happened, those feelings were wasted on shitheads.

so you got it. being picky doesnt make you 100% accurate

>37
Game over

Sure feels that way.

It's not something easy for me to talk about, in part because it's not that big of a deal and using the word "trauma" to describe it would make me feel ridiculously silly.

See a therapist. Your mindless scavenger hunt for finding the "right" guy or the "right" label to describe your dysfunction is only going to waste more time. You don't know how to be intimate. You never learned how. Stop fucking around and go get your head fixed you doofy bastard.

Fuck, dude. You are exasperating. The amount of denial you're in is staggering. You're almost 40 though, its not a surprise that you've spent the past few decades of your life convincing yourself that what happened wasn't that big of a deal. You're nearly a 40 year old virgin but seeking help for your issues isn't an option because admitting that your dad fucked you up would feel silly? I feel incredibly sorry for you, OP. You seem dead seat against getting help for your intimacy issues so good luck with the rest of your sad life, I guess.

I mean, what are they going to do? Tell me to go out with any dope who comes along just for the practice? Then i can waste my evenings on miserable dates that will go nowhere because I'm fundamentally incompatible with the men but didn't feel like i could reject them out of desperation? No thanks.

This isn't about me waiting for Prince Charming. The two guys i fell for sure weren't winners in their own ways, but at least i enjoyed being around them and we could have a conversation.

It's not easy for me to talk about and I've had bad experiences with therapists before. It's not just me saying "fuck that" because doing nothing is easier. People are snakes and therapists can be some of the worst.

OP, mind disclosing your location? I'm 40. I could take you out on a date if you want.

I mean, I'm in Austin, but even if you lived next door i doubt I'd take you up on that. That sounds terrifying, like suggesting someone who is afraid of swimming just jump into the deep end.

No offense.

>I mean, what are they going to do?
They're going to encourage you to talk about the things you don't want to talk about. They're going to force you to face the truth of what happened to you as a kid and force you to stop minimizing it as "not a big deal".

The thing is that I understand your confusion. You were never taught intimacy. Your earliest experience with bonding with a man was terrible and dysfunctional. You've never experienced true intimacy so its hard to describe to you what you're missing out on. Its like trying to describe color to a blind man.

>Tell me to go out with any dope who comes along just for the practice?
Absolutely not, because this problem is not about the guys you're choosing. Its about you. The focus will be on you, not your love life. Your love life and your sexual orientation are the least of the issues that need to be dealt with. You are a 40 year old woman who has never dealt with her childhood trauma. You are deeply entrenched in an incredible amount of denial. Your love life perpetually fails because you failed to hit developmental milestones that most children hit in their teens and early 20's. You are a puzzle with missing pieces. The root cause of your intimacy issues is the fact that you never learned how to be intimate. You never learned how to be vulnerable because your first experience with being vulnerable with a man ended in suffering. It completely altered your brain and caused you to become the person you are now. Fix your intimacy issues and your love life with be fixed.

Get. Fucking. Therapy. Learn to TALK about your issues and stop fucking minimizing everything. The way you've been doing things haven't been working. It has't worked for 37 years of your life. This is the last post I'm going to make, OP. I really can't make it any clearer than that.

dont forget nofap and work out

I'm going to screenshot your reply and think about it, user. Thank you.

This is what is hunching your development in this area.
>b-but I'm afraid
Everyone is afraid of something, yet we do those things regardless. Face your fears, if it's overwhelming, retreat, try again, rinse and repeat until you succeed. There's no other way around it if you're refusing therapy.

never had a relationship last longer than a few weeks

iktf

t. 25 year old dude

its a autismo thing of some kind and you're not alone if that makes you feel better, its good you realize you are pushing people away though, try to actively (slowly though!) seek out people you can engage with to break yourself out of it

God, I wish most women were like you.

I'm 29 and still a virgin, I don't really see that changing ever. I don't like getting to know people except as a friend because we have some kind of mutual interest. I've never felt "attracted" to a stranger. I would never go on a "date" with someone I don't know just with the intent to develop a romantic relationship with them. Getting to know people is fucking annoying and I just don't have the patience for it just for it to most likely not pan out. I'd rather spend time with people I already know I like (or alone). I've had 2 relationships and they turned out pretty awful. There's someone I like now but I just feel pretty apathetic about it because I'm pretty sure it's not going to go anywhere either or at most, end me up again having wasted my time.

The only thing I care about is that if I ever do have sex I'm going to be inexcusably shit at it for my age so I wish I had some experience for that reason only. I don't feel unfulfilled or sad or scared or anything like that. I've just accepted the fact I'll probably be one of those people who dies and they don't find the body for 8 years until my bank account dries up and autodraft stops working. I'm not gonna force myself to live my life in a way I don't like out of fear.

speaking as a femanon who can relate (virgin, pushed away men, used to think I was asexual, etc) you’re either gay like me and/or you have some kind of trauma that’s preventing you from establishing meaningful relationships

if you're not fat and ugly I think we can deal with that problem

I feel the same way, user. I've had plenty of opportunities to have casual sex, but a mix of disgust and performance anxiety keeps me from pulling the trigger.

I also suspect when I die, they'll find me when the neighbors start to smell my decay.

I have thought about pursuing women. I have definitely fallen for two men, but never for an individual woman. I don't find women unattractive and think i may be more comfortable dating one since they wouldn't be like some alien species i don't understand.

For a woman, I'm below average to average. For someone pushing 40, I'm a bit above average. For a near 40 year old virgin, I'm fucking incredible.

Fuck, are you still here? It’s almost as if you don’t give a shit about actually improving your situation and have just been stagnating in this thread the same way you’ve been stagnating in life, shamelessly parading your sadness for anyone who will listen. You really do have some bad daddy issues. It’s been physically painful to watch you put so much effort into avoiding your real problem. God have mercy on your soul, you poor, gross spinstress.

leave her alone. having sex doesn't make you a successful person

I just got home from a 10 hour work day. Did you expect me to go fuck someone this morning after 37 years of exclusively not fucking anyone?

OP, you talk about men not meeting your standards or not having chemistry. What do you look for in a guy? What would someone have to do to make you comfortable enough with them to want to be close to them?

I don't know that i have "standards" exactly. The two men i loved were overweight and underemployed, but we had enough in common to become friends, were different enough for things to be interesting, and they stuck around long enough for me to feel a bond with them.

i'm a 30 year old virgin (male) who's currently in a relationship with someone who knows i'm a virgin and have a fear of intimacy. we're going to start working on sex soon. it will take time. she's the most amazing girl i've ever met.

you will find someone, but you have to look.

That's really sweet, user. All the best.

Thirty eight year old who lost his virginity two years ago. Relationships and all of that smut is just something you'll have to force yourself into, it's like you're eighteen again and you're exploring the world and different career paths and whatnot, really; the only difference is that you are dealing with sexual contact and emotional intimacy. It is very hard at first, I will admit that I could not even believe I was capable of love or being loved for a while and it took her a lot of time to work through this with me. Was interrupted but I was gonna say, I know true isolation. It beats down on you and you can't hide in solitude forever. Take care. :)

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I was gonna post that an hour ago but shit happens, hahahah.

Do you ever get mad when you hear other people talk about how isolated they are, especially when they're in a relationship or married or seem to have lots of friends? Sometimes it enrages me.

Yeah, I didn't have any friends in high school, the teachers even mocked me hahahahah. Most people ignored me but there were a couple of people that weren't entirely hostile. I was always odd though, so that's what did it primarily. I can kind of understand now the pain that people feel when they have friends and a relationship now though. It is nothing like the pain I felt long ago, but it is still pain in it's own way. But to answer your question without deflecting; yes, I felt off-put by their moaning about what seemed to be a perfect life.

I am still very grateful now for what I have. It is strange to think that there are many people out there in this whole wide world that have never gone without friends or family, or any support of that sort. I think I wouldn't have minded a lot of the isolation had my family been there as well. Oh well, it's a-nothin' to me in the present

naruto sama?

People who watch anime are even greater losers than me and OP combined

you wish you were half as happy as me :)

There is always going to be some risks that's just life. Keep trying because having this shit sorted out will be infinitely times better than not. We can only do so much to try and convince you of going through with it. People only change because of what they learned or it hurts too much to stay the same. If you think the best option is to keep suppressing deep seeded emotions then I hope you stop hitting your head against a brick wall. Yeah it might be real fucking scary to come face to face with the pain you felt so long ago but the transformation you will go through will feel like a ton of bricks were lifted off you and you no longer have to bare the burden anymore. Good luck

Yes, i get that they're in pain and that you can still be lonely even when surrounded by people. But man. When I've gone months without talking to anyone besides incidental, everyday "would you like a bag with that?" type of small talk and someone with a husband, friends, kids, parents, etc is posting memes about how alone they are, i can barely contain myself. I don't even resent them most of the time, just when they're feeling sorry for themselves.

I think I'm going to look for a therapist next week after taking the weekend to think and research. Thanks, user.

>I'm a woman in my 30s that's still a virgin.

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I'm a fat virgin at 26 so I feel you user. I just feel like I can't trust a guy. It sucks but I stay positive anyway. Romantic love and sex sound nice and I would love to experience them, but if I can't due to my own faults then I have to make do with other stuff.

>he says on a Swiss watch enthusiast imageboard

How fat?

anime website

I'm in my late 20s and was in the same boat. All my life, whenever I conceptualised my future, I was alone. The possibility of ever being in a relationship didn't even factor in, I just didn't seem to be wired for it.
But somehow the latest annoying guy who was sniffing around for me to stressfully reject ended up becoming my boyfriend. It's like a switch just flipped in my head once he asked me out, we just click. And I don't regret being frigid all those years either, because I can't imagine having all these first experiences with anyone else. Actually I can imagine it, and it would have been disastrous. I really think it just came down to meeting the right person.
So it's not that I'm not wired for love/sex, it's just that I'm not wired for fucking around trying to make it happen when I'm not feeling it, whereas most people are willing to kiss a lot of toads to find their right person (and respect to that, it's demonstrably more efficient).

Wish I had some advice, but he kinda fucking fell into my lap. I will say, even if I never put myself out there romantically, I had resolved to start putting myself out there in terms of broadening my own life experiences. I was stagnating in life, and decided that if I was untethered, I might as well take advantage of it and do what I want.
I never would have met him in my normal routine, but even if I had, maybe I would have pushed him away too in that environment, and he would have just been another awkward moment to suppress.

250 ponds for 5 feet 5

I'm happy for you user. Sometimes things just fall into place when we least expect it. I don't expect this happen to me, but knowing it happens to other people is uplifting.

Holy shit, you are fat and ugly.

Ouch. That's not chubby or cute, that's irredeemably too fat. Obligatory question, aren't you going to do anything about it?

Yeah, sometimes fat and ugly people happen

At this point, no. I've been chubby-overweight-obese my whole life, every time I lost weight I gained it back twice, every time I tried a lifestyle change something happened and I slid back to my old habits. In all likelihood I will stay an obese spinster and die in my early 50s. It sucks but my life could have been much worse

Were you honest about your lack of experience? That's been a major barrier for me

Im gonna help you out then just dip out here.

Im a guy in his 20s that’s slept with around 100 women, had 4ish gfs, and just got out of a serious relationship.

I used to push away girls because I was concerned about how they saw me. I feared they would try and hurt me in some sort of way. And they did. This was me in my teens. There are still ones I come across that are just mean or immature for one reason or another. But I know how to manage myself and deal with this negativity. It doesn’t bring me down so much. Its not an IDGAF! thing but more of, I really dont have much care for it. I don’t lose much sleep over it because of experiences and time.

As I have grown and developed more, I have also worked on myself putting myself through small challenges to become a better man and family man, one obvious one would be working out. But that’s another story. I have had more experiences I have forced myself into in order to conquer fears. I was shy and awkward but people have enjoyed my company. Now they enjoy it more.

Sex feels so natural and so does interacting with and meeting new women. I had images/scenarios in my head before I dove into this sea of sorts. This, I saw, was embedded as fear. Fear for my protection in some way.

Its kinda like never being in a fist fight before. We all have an idea of how it would be like or what we would do but we really haven’t been in that reality situation so we don’t know that part of ourselves; how we are, in this states and situations...

Rejecting someone is a social thing. You talk. I can still be friends with them, or not. But talking to the opposite gender is a basic people skills thing and it sounds like you lack this.

I click with older women because girls my age are more awkward and “negatively competitive” per se. Rejecting that 10 years younger guy should be easy because you should be in control of yourself in the situation to the point you feel comfortable whichever way the interactions may go. I don’t know exactly how you come off but again its a people skill you seem to lack.

Look most girls in their 30s I’ve met have identified themselves with the words, “old” and “mature”. Yet what about the ones in their 40s... 50s... 60s...? Its mostly relative. And the competition is heavy with teens and 20s. But compare yourself to a better/worse version of yourself. Because the game doesn’t stop and people are inconsistent. I can just look at you and see if you are old for your true age based on how healthy and athletic you look to me. It sounds like you want interactions done for you. You are inexcusably prude. Work on yourself outside of social shit.

You have to continue to be honest with yourself. There is a saying I will ad lib, “controlling a situation is one thing, but controlling yourself in a situation is a whole nother story.” Lead your own life but don’t be a bossy asshole. 1 guy you want to reject shouldn’t stress you. But you put significance upon this situation because of your lack of experience. I could probably see this too, just by being around you two as if we were all co workers. But I am glad you aren’t mean to them. Because it’s easy to be mean to the opposite gender when they show their vulnerability to us.

What pleasure and lesser important things in life has taught me, is that if I continue to work on myself and get something out of these lesser important things, then I can ultimately benefit from said things. Thus these experiences and perspectives go into interacting with the opposite gender. Overcoming fears and instincts that have been set in. When I date a girl, I don’t care about the world because we are doing our own thing. Feel me? Please don’t overlook this post.

Yeah, I was honest about everything. At the very least I was never going to get away with pretending I wasn't a virgin. It would have been a bloodbath if I'd tried. It felt kinda humiliating at the time to admit it, but it made the lead up a lot more comfortable knowing we were on the same page. And I wouldn't even have put myself in a position to have that sort of conversation if I hadn't found myself trusting of him.
I definitely think that part of why I was a virgin for so long was because beyond a certain age it just gets awkward. Like what was I going to do, flirt with some guy in a club and then mention "by the way, I might refuse to take my shirt off, it's going to take about 12 straight hours of fingering before you can even do anything with me, and I'm probably going to cry for the first 11"? (not a description of my actual first time, which was challenging but great). It's hard to meet someone under those circumstances, I think a greater degree of trust and connection has to come at the very start, and that's hard to find.

Because you're a 30 years old virgin maybe? Your peak attractiveness is behind you.

Do it. And if that one sucks look for another one. I believe in you virgin-chan.

When I was younger that small talk would really get me by. One of my teachers will always be a motherly figure just because she was the only one that remotely cared about what I had to say. Yeah, people don't realize what they have, they don't even think there is people like us out there. If I were a young man again in Austin and not in Wisconsin, I'd definitely have been interested in you though; I hope there's a person out there for you who understands you OP, take care.

This makes me sad. I'm a Jow Forumsizen so I can't help but think you should find some physical activity that makes you happy and work towards that.

I'm pretty good with guys as friends, but not when I suspect or know they may be interested. I hate rejecting people.

I like the idea of keeping a best/worst version of myself in mind. Thank you.

I'm a niche taste for sure. And though I'm not as good looking as I was when I was 25, people are usually shocked when they find out how old I am, so I think part of the issue is looking and dressing too young. Maybe I need to look more like an adult if I want to attract adults.

I moved to Austin from Appleton, Wisconsin. I hope you meet your person too.

Well shit, I've finally found someone like me, feels weird desu, but it's comforting I have to admit not being the only one with these feels.
>Everytime someone tries to get close to me, i push them away and I'm not sure why because i do crave a relationship and physical contact.
IKTF

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Misery loves company

Everyone has given you advice in this tread OP, time to saddle the fuck up and try, even if its baby steps. Better late than never cowboy. (Or would it be cowgirl lol) Wish you the best femanon.

Are you perhaps concerned sex or a relationship will change you?

Ah so you're a cougar

A bit. I am normally an aloof and independent person and I've been told by people numerous times - mostly at work but socially too - that they found me really intimidating only to later realize I'm really nice and interesting. And i kind of like being like that.

But when i was in love with those two guys who toyed with me, both times i was a sniveling insecure piece of shit, second guessing everything I did, often becoming mean out of frustration, not aloof and self possessed at all. Just needy and shitty and boring. I don't want to be like that.

No, I would like to be with someone age appropriate. A cougar goes after young guys on purpose, and I think usually wears their age and experience on their sleeve.

Going to work on it, it's not like I'm going to go out and get a boyfriend or girlfriend this weekend though.

I hope this thread helped other aging virgins too.