I am a virgin mostly because I believe literally every woman is out of my league
I’m not joking. I see any girl from an Instagram model to an overweight homely chick and my instant thought is “she is out of my league, she would never want to date me”. I subconsciously believe all women are superior to me
This stops me from ever being successful with girls because I refuse to flirt with them or ask them out, because I believe ALL of them will reject me without fail.
How do I break this mindset?
I used to have this same problem. There isn't any foolproof strategy, but if you stop actively pursuing girls and let them come to you, it'll help you figure out just how valuable you are.
Also, it does help to logically evaluate what skills you have and what you have to offer. If you can't honestly name anything, then that's a sign you need a hobby.
For what it's worth, the hobby I chose was singing and guitar. Feels pretty rewarding to be able to perform, even just a little bit.
Never give up hope my dude
Well, how attractive are you?
Tell me about your relationship to your mother?
I have never actively pursued girls. And girls have never actively pursued me
I have hobbies. I meet plenty of girls that way. They just aren’t interested though
It doesn’t matter if she’s big or slim, tall or short, beautiful or hideous, shy or gregarious, liberal or conservative. Every woman I meet is uninterested, and therefore out of my league
I don’t know
I’m very close with her
>I’m very close with her
Please expound.
Look at women like you look at men. Stop putting them on pedestals. There is nothing more special to women than there is to a man except two balls of fat on the torso and an extra hole that feels nice.
Me and my mother get on very well. Always have done
She raised me as a single mother though, if that’s what you’re getting at. The lack of a father figure is 100% a factor in why I can’t get girls. Funnily enough I look exactly like my dad, and yet he was very successful with girls in his teens and 20s, while I’m an adult virgin. Make of that what you will
I can’t shake the feeling that every woman is judging me
I have the mental image, every time I speak to any girl, that she is evaluating me in her mind and deciding “nope, he is not someone I want to sleep with”
My brain will not allow me to believe that women can be attracted to me. I strongly believe there is not one girl in my adult life who has ever wanted to date or sleep with me
Would you consider yourself (or, for that matter, would others) a "momma's boy?"
No. I’m a very independent guy
You need to stop giving a shit about what women might or might not think of you.
It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. There have been women who found you attractive, without doubt. Get out there, talk to them, socialise and realise they're just people. Never be afraid to fail. Nobody ever went through life without failures.
You sound like you have self esteem issues that probably go much deeper than just the relationship aspects. You should talk to a therapist or at least try some self-directed CBT if you can't afford professional help.
I won't lie, if you do start asking women out, you probably will be rejected at least a couple times, that's just the way these things go. I don't know what you look like, but I find it hard to believe there are NO women out there who would be interested in you. While there is a conventional type of attractiveness, people have all sorts of varied and bizarre tastes in partners.
You need to stop yourself from thinking these kinds of thoughts though. You're only going to dig yourself into a deeper and deeper hole.
It’s like there’s something fundamentally wrong with my brain
Imagining me and women together just does not compute. At all. My brain cannot picture it. I cannot imagine any woman ever being physically or emotionally intimate with me
No amount of therapy has been able to solve this. I cannot override the part of my brain that tells me these things. There is a voice in my head screaming at all times of day “you are undesirable”
I look at what other men have and think “I could never have that”. I could never have the privilege of dating women like they have
Therapy hasn’t been able to solve this. My brain will not accept any rational thought when it comes to this issue
It just doesn’t compute. I have never, ever been even slightly intimate with a woman. Nor has any woman even suggested that she would want such a thing. So imagining me being close with a girl is as realistic as imagining a dog speaking English
It's good that you've at least tried therapy. Why do you think no woman would ever be interested in you? Is it mainly because of your appearance? Is it anything specific about your appearance?
It’s not appearance related. Or to do with any tangible or identifiable factor
It’s just a feeling, you know. I’ve always felt different to everyone else. I have mild aspergers and have strived very hard my whole life to be as “normal” as possible but I can’t quite go the whole mile. “So close yet so far”, you know. Most people probably wouldn’t notice anything weird about me at first glance but I suspect there is something very subtle that is “off” about my vibe
For these reasons I just can’t believe any girl could find me attractive. Even if I meet their standards physically I think my vibe/aura would throw them off
That's like me but I'm justified because my standards are too high and I'm a fatass autist who looks like Seth Rogen and has difficulty caring about subjects other than video games.
You are overthinking it all. Stop imagining shit, you're not a child. Reality is the grown ups game. It's time you played it.
Have you ever done drugs? Like coke, amphetamines, alcohol.
I drink very regularly yes. Tried coke on occasion. Neither have soothed my nerves enough to make me stop these intrusive thoughts
long term therapy and antidepressants.
How was your relationship with your parents, especially your mom? I be she put you down and made you feel inferior right? Now you project that onto every women and they reject you because of it.
Unfortunately through no fault of your own you have been traumatised and have a brain that is defending you, but it doesnt know that its actually harming your chances of having a more authentic experience in life.
Unfortunately, in my case too btw, I know your pain, its really hard to trust people since trust was consistantly betrayed by my parents when I was younger, and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, and a therapist you cant even know their personal life so it takes even longer.
but it will work, its just a lot of money and time, and work on your part but dont beat yourself up about it. People on here will tell you to man-up and take control , but if your parents took your control away from you and now you don't even know how to take control anymore (again not a character defect, I can tell something went down in your younger life) then you need help from others. Do what you can to get into therapy and get meds because you cannot just go get rejected by women all the time because I 'd guess it hurts so much since your own parents basically rejected your own power and control and made you into who you are today.
Best of luck, the struggle is long and real, but the outcome is actually really high change of getting better since all it takes is time and money, and the work will come once you trust your therapist and get strength through her.
Then i have two options I personally experienced that helped me when i was younger and insecure. Have a good friend talk to you and help you.
Hit the gym and lift weights. It not only improves your physique, it also improves your mental health tremendously.
Also you seem to overthink like me and obsess like me, and for me that only gets better when I take medication and go to therapy, together, not one or the other, it doesn't work.
All I can say is what works for me and take a armchair psycholigist punt at it.
If you can try meditation and mindfulness too look into it.
Again to even exercise right, eat right, sleep right (holy crap ive had severe insomnia for 3 years nonstop), I need both medication and therapy and one or the other wont do enough to help me 1)stop overthinking and obsessing 2)change behavioural patterns 3) take risks and start meeting women and be able to deal with the pain of rejection. 4) Just go about my own life and once I'm well women will naturally be attracted to me.
No that doesn’t describe my relationship with my mother at all. My mother was always kind and supportive, and in fact encouraged me from a young age to pursue girls. I never had the confidence though
I just can’t be bothered to lift. It’s a lot of effort for something that doesn’t even directly address my problem. Jow Forums is full of autists like me who thought getting ripped would help them but are now just virgins with a better physique
My mom also had depression and she couldn't love me enough because of it. Not her fault, she just couldnt nurture me like I should have been and I blamed myself for it. Wonder too if your mom has depression and since you don't see your dad, i'd guess its fairly likely. sorry if any of this is offensive or too real.
always kind and supportive, now come on, no mother is always kind and supportive. I'll stop here because I don't think you are ready to be honest because you probably depend to much on your relationship with your mother and to change that would turn your reality upside down.
You should bother if you are serious about fixing yourself.
Fuck /fit and their faggotry circlejerking. Ignore the physique part. Lifting weights improves mental health through the release of dopamines and testosterone which has serious impacts on the brain and will make you feel a lot better about yourself. This applies to every man in the world. Basic biology
I'm largely in the same boat as OP, the difference is that I can easily list all of the reasons why Women would want nothing to do with me and I have, in the past, actually had women show interest in me. It's just that each and every one of them had severe mental issues and I got away from them immediately.
We're all screwed. I'm an ugly sperg, most men this generation won't reproduce.
>if you stop actively pursuing girls and let them come to you, it'll help you figure out just how valuable you are
this is an utterly terrible suggestion
There's not much you can do because you're probably right.
You'll be able to break this kind of mindset when you are able to find a girl that wants to be with you. The question now is, how to make them want to be with you. This question is tough, i canf give you precises details on how to do it. Basically bcz it may work for me, but not for you. But, i can give you some handful of advice/s.
Start changing you behaviour. Be confident (not too much). And lastly, don't be afraid when you got rejected, don't feel like, "i shouldn't have done this, i know she wouldn't go out with me." There are some who may not find you attractive. But it doesn't matter. What i need you to do in that phase is to learn. When you learn, you become more open to any kinds of possibility you can make for the next meet up. So chill. Hope this one helps.
Alright, I'll bite.
What is the most intimate moment you have had with a girl outside of your family?
The problem is that if I ask a girl out and get rejected it’s only going to make my fears worse. It will confirm all my worst suspicions
Hand holding many, many years ago
Also I once spooned with a female friend but then after that she was kinda weird with me and we didn’t talk much? I don’t get it
>You'll be able to break this kind of mindset when you are able to find a girl that wants to be with you
Not nessicarily. I'm marred to a woman who I've been with 10 years, who initiated flirting/interest with me in the first place years ago, who is far more attractive than anything I thought I could ever get at that time, and we have a great relationship to this day. Furthermore, since that time (was 22 then), I got my shit together, have a good job, lookswise got a nice haircut, got rid of glasses, got fashion sense and even have been lifting 5 dats a week for the past 4 years with objectively good results to where people actually comment on it. Turns out I was an 8/10 all along under my layers of autism. Now all that said? I feel NO DIFFERENT. I still have no confidence about girls, struggle to talk to them, am utterly convinced in my head that they all have made up their minds that they'd never sleep with me, wouldn't know how to get to that point if they did, and honestly don't even like to glance at them too long because I'm worred on some level the wrong glance in their direction and they'll think I'm creeping on them or something. So no, finding a girl who's interested in you will not suddenly change this mindset, if OP is anything like me. It haunts me to this day and I can't shake it.
Dating websites, especially tinder, make this worse. I've only got one match on tinder, and she unmatched when I said hi to her (probably accidental swipe).
So yeah, I'm the same boat as OP. Women are on a whole other level than what I'm on, and I don't have any business even being around them.
I get decent matches on tinder but I just can’t believe they’re actually into me
I don’t even message the girls I match with because I’m so certain that my conversational skills will be so bad they lose all interest
you get matches so thats something. Conversational skills can be worked on.
I get no matches because I probably looked like a long deceased beached whale, can't be worked on.
Considering I have literal autism it is unlikely that I can ever reach the level of social skills of a normal adult human being
I just wish I was born normal. Ugh