I'm 24, she's 25. She's my first gf, she's had bfs before me. We've been together for 3 years.
Overall, it seemed like a good relationship thus far. We rarely had fights, lots of small problems we could clear by talking things out. However, one reoccurring subject seems to never be solved: She wants me to spend more time with her. That looks like a reasonable request to me, because I work a lot to get my degree in astrophysics. (She doesn't have regular work.) My issue is that for some reason, she never can tell me when she's unhappy with how much time we spend together; this problem always leads to explosions and drama and crying and all that bullshit. This happened 3-4 times so far.
Every time, I explained that I sometimes just don't notice that she's not happy with how things are going. She always seemed happy, or can tell me what's making her unhappy, apart from this bloody issue. I explained that I need her to tell me when she's not satisfied, and that I need to count on her to do that. I can't read minds ffs. But it didn't seem to bear any fruit.
My gf wants me to parent her
Two weeks ago, we got into a big fight.
I got accepted for a summer school in a place where otherwise it's nice to spend holidays in, and I thought it would be a good idea to bring along some friends, my brother and her along. They could relax and enjoy their holidays, while I go to school. At least we could then spend every single evening together for two weeks. My brother and she readily agreed.
When we arrived, it was only the three of us. Other people would arrive some days later.
On the first day of school, shit already went down. While I was away, they got in a fight. Apparently both were drinking, and both were a bit irritated at each other for some minor things. It erupted when my brother hit her three times on the arm. I'm not condoning his behaviour at all, it was clearly wrong, but I know my brother, and I know that he wasn't trying to seriously hurt her. She however, understandably, was furious at him.
By chance, we met at a train station on my way home after school, and drove home together. At home, she told me what happened, I made her some tea and went to talk to my brother and make some dinner. I told him that she didn't find it funny at all, and that I want him to apologise. Then I made dinner.
At dinner, my brother apologised, but clearly with a sarcastic undertone. He later explained that as he saw it, she was playing mind/power games with him, and firmly believed that her protest at getting hit in the arm was an attempt to establish authority. (Side note: Due to our family history, both my brother and I have issues with people trying to force authority onto us. However, knowing my girl, I don't doubt that her reaction might be interpreted this way.) She started yelling at him, threw her plate onto the table and went in her room. Then my brother yelled at me because I was angry at what happened, and went out of the apartment for a walk. So I sat there and ate dinner by myself.
Later, after I was done, my gf came back out. She asked how I was doing, but didn't seem to care. She said she felt unsafe here. That murders start with small things like this. That she couldn't be in the same room as my brother ever again. That either she or my brother need to leave.
My brother paid for half the rent, so I didn't feel like I had any right to demand that he leaves. Also there was no way of leaving the place until the next day, as it was a remote place. So I told her that if she really wants to leave, she could do that tomorrow. But I needed her to at least try and talk things out with my brother. I would first talk to him, and then all three of us would sit together and try to talk things out. And that she shouldn't make me choose between the two people I loved most. She reluctantly agreed.
A bit later my brother returned, and fortunately he was completely cooled down. I first talked to him, then all three of us sat together and talked things out. My brother explained what bothered him, how he saw things, and sincerely apologised. She however didn't really understand that she might've done something that irritated him, even unintended. Anyway, at least it got us somewhere.
The next day, she left back home. She texted me when she was sitting on the bus already, and I got lucky that I went on a small field trip with the school that I was close to the train station so that I could meet her before she left. She did however promise to come back the following week with her sister without me asking, a promise she wouldn't keep, and later told me she never intended to keep.
For two days, she didn't contact me. I believed that she wanted some distance, so I waited for two days before texting her. As usual when drama is unfolding in our relationship, she didn't want to talk or text about it, but only in person. She wanted me to "think of her for a change and try to understand her". However, she wouldn't tell me anything. I didn't know for sure what was going on with her. She made a few comments (if you really need to know what, I'll provide it) that led me to believe that she wanted to break up with me. My brother and a more experienced friend confirmed my conclusion.
By chance, a few days later a female friend of mine texted me, so I asked her for her insight as well. Luckily, she understood my gf's behaviour better than us men. She explained that my gf felt overpowered and defenseless by my brother, and not understood by me, and her not wanting to talk to me or give me any hint was her way of trying not to make things worse. I forwarded my female friend's messages to my gf, and she confirmed that this was the case.
A week later I returned home, missing the last couple of days of school, to talk things out with my gf. It was a nasty talk at first, where she accused me of some horrible things that were demonstrably wrong. In essence, she accused me of doing nothing for our relationship, while she's being the one doing everything and carrying this relationship. And some other things I'll omit for now.
She spent the night at my place, and we continued talking the next day. She told me that she'd expected me to protect her, and felt unprotected. Apparently she thought that I'd be perfectly comfortable with my brother hitting her again. She also admitted that my reaction on that day destroyed her image of me being a white knight on a noble steed. She couldn't explain to me, at all, why she wouldn't want to give me any hint on what's going on inside her, all the while demanding that I understood her and empathise with her. I even offered to give her a call, and just let her talk and say whatever she wants to say, while I said nothing and just listened. She couldn't tell me why she wouldn't take me up on that offer; "Others talked me into it" is all she could tell me.
Following the advice of my female friend, I suggested that my gf and I get some distance and cool off. We agreed to meet this Friday, which will be a week after out last talk.
A lot of things she said and did hurt me deeply, and I feel that it created a distance between us.
On top of that, I don't think that she has any intentions to reconcile things with my brother. I'm aware they won't be best buddies, but I want them to at least be able to be in the same room at the same time.
Also her parents, as she tells it, quite dislike me now. She lives with them, and I'm not comfortable visiting or spending a night in a house where I'm not welcome.
Apparently she had some image of me in her head, which now is no more, so I can't help but wonder whether she was in a relationship with me or that image of hers.
But most troublesome of all to me is that it seems to me like my biggest mistake was treating her like an adult, mature woman. I can't trust her to express her discomfort with our relationship, it looks like I'll have to dig to get her to tell me some things. I don't understand this, because for some things she seemingly has no trouble at all expressing her unease with. I also ask her almost daily how she is, and how things are going for her. And we went over this subject multiple times.
And when the fight broke out, apparently she expected me to not get emotional to her making me choose between her and my brother, as I see it to treat her like a child who still doesn't know how to deal with emotions.
I am still new on things concerning relationships. Is this usually part of a relationship? Having to parent your gf and make an effort to get her to tell me whether she's unhappy with something? Am I setting too high standards by not wanting to have to do that in a relationship? As I see it, I want a partner that I can trust and rely on, not somebody I have to work for to find out whether things are all right for her concerning our relationship, or not knowing every day when I come home what to expect, whether she'll explode or not?
Secondly, do you have any experience on similar cases? Can this behaviour change and mature over time, or is this how things are going to be with her?
Do you really expect anyone to read all this op? Give us a shorter version.
To be honest, I thought I kept it short already.
But I think the last 2 posts sum it up acceptably:
>So I sat there and ate dinner by myself.
Kino desu
fuck off bitch no1 is reading your novel. we dont care about every detail of your shitty relationship with a hoe who has daddy issues.
How nice of you to take time to keep this thread alive. Thank you!
lol idiot.
you bring both your gf and brother to the same place?
they are not dating, you two are dating with your gf. what good did you expect to come out of this?
and your female friend probably is just jelly and wants your d.
Your gf is in the wrong here. But in her eyes your job as a bf is to be there for her even when it doesn't make sense to stand up for her.
She is being childish, but so are many women.
She can mature if she is young, but it's doubtful.
I actually read it, it's well written.
I thought we all might have a good time.
>and your female friend probably is just jelly and wants your d.
kek
>She is being childish, but so are many women.
>She can mature if she is young, but it's doubtful.
Well, she is only 25.
However, would you say to generally expect this kind of behaviour in a relationship?
> I actually read it, it's well written.
Thank you :)
yeah, for a few hours? sure. anything more than that? either your brother or your gf will feel like crap by definition, one of them will be third wheel.
Other people, my brother's gf included, were also expected in the following days.
mmkay.
just cause you are close with both of them doesn't mean they won't kill each other (or fuck each other, or anything in between) the minute you leave them alone.
by all means break up with her if you think she's an idiot, but don't make this situation the reason.
She will get a little better with age, but don't expect miracles. If she's as childish as you describe, then she will never be good at it. If you want a mature woman to be your partner, you need to look elsewhere.
t. Someone that has a lot of experience with these types, both young and old.
>Well, she is only 25.
>only 25
Think about that a minute
Op, I read it all. Thanks for pretyping.
You are arguing logic and she is arguing emotions. Also, she has issues on top of it, I won't venture to speculate on them as its not generally helpful.
If I were you I would sit her down and tell her you care about her but she is acting unreasonable. That you have bent over backwards to be understanding and accomodating for her but she is not in good faith meeting you halfway. Chances her she'll try to make this about your brother: tell her that has nothing to do with that. Force here to make a plan on how to makes things better or make it clear that you see no future for the relationship.
This sounds like sound advice. Thank you user.
However; How do you make things better? How is this mess fixable?
>This sounds like sound advice. Thank you user.
Your welcome, glad you got something out of it.
>How do you make things better?
I'm saying just wash your hands off it and make it all about her, but its imperative that you put the onus on her to formulate and stick to a plan or approach on how to proceed. Let her know that you're there to help and support her but if she wants this relationship then SHE will need to put effort into it. If she can't figure anything out or makes it out like you are attacking her, then she's done you the service of making your path forward pretty damn clear.
>How is this mess fixable?
Generally, I'd try and give some general advice that might be a good basic heading to start from, but honestly: Given how well put together you seem and that you have (obviously) been witness to everything that has occurred in this relationship, I trust your judgement about what will be effective progress more than I would trust my vague suggestions to not accidently backfire or make matters worse. Trust yourself on this one. I have a feeling you got it under control and just needed a bit of a sanity check and sagity coming from experience, rather than a guiding hand on this one.
Good luck and let us know if anything else comes up. We'd love to help.
I'm NOT saying just wash your hands off it and make it all about her
Too many posts, I'm not reading all that. Dump her, it's the best for everyone.
Thanks again!
However, I'm really clueless at this moment. I'm trying to think of a way to start mending things. There is a lot of hurt and pain present on both sides, I'll have to somehow also mend relations with her parents, and she with my brother (at least to some degree). The main point remains that I need to trust her to talk to me when something's wrong, but I'm not even sure I currently trust her words at all.
So how and where could I start? I'd really appreciate any idea.
So you'd say if childish at 25, then childish at 75 too?
>I'll have to somehow also mend relations with her parents
>but I'm not even sure I currently trust her words at all.
The only source you have for her parents feelings towards you are her words...
>I'm trying to think of a way to start mending things.
You don't need to, in fact you must not. She must fix it herself. If you just "fix" it for her, then you two we'll be right back here in 6 months (if not sooner).
>There is a lot of hurt and pain present on both sides
Then talk it out, don't bottle it up.
>and she with my brother
And she can get things right with you, than fixing things (to a managable level) with your brother will be an afterthought.
>The main point remains that I need to trust her to talk to me when something's wrong
And this is something she has to come to and commit to on her own if its going to work. Real talk: I don't think she's gonna be able to do it from what you have shared of her, but I figure she deserves a last heartfelt chance before she toss the last few years in the dustbin.
>So how and where could I start?
I'll quote myself. If have some particular issue with my proposed course of action than you'll need to be detailed about it:
>If I were you I would sit her down and tell her you care about her but she is acting unreasonable. That you have bent over backwards to be understanding and accomodating for her but she is not in good faith meeting you halfway. Chances her she'll try to make this about your brother: tell her that has nothing to do with that.
>I'm not saying just wash your hands off it and make it all about her, but its imperative that you put the onus on her to formulate and stick to a plan or approach on how to proceed. Let her know that you're there to help and support her but if she wants this relationship then SHE will need to put effort into it. If she can't figure anything out or makes it out like you are attacking her, then she's done you the service of making your path forward pretty damn clear.
>>I'm trying to think of a way to start mending things.
>You don't need to, in fact you must not. She must fix it herself. If you just "fix" it for her, then you two we'll be right back here in 6 months (if not sooner).
Right. But where can she start? What can she do? How can I make sure that something is happening? That things are changing and getting better?
Well, if she says she is going to change her behavior in a specific way and a month (arbitrary length, choose whatever you want) down the line you have seen no change in her behavior at all, much less that particular facet...well, you tell her this clearly isn't working and you end it.
For example:
>I promise I can change! From now on, when ever I feel the slightest irritation with you or the way you are acting I will tell you immediately.
Sounds good, babe. I really want to make this work with you.
~~~1 month passes~~~
Hey, so I can't help but notice that except for that one time that first night you have never told me once about anything I have done that has bothered you. Knowingly our past its hard to believe nothing has come up during a whole month.
>No, honey! I promise, I am trying to change.
Sorry, babe. But its over.
*slams door upon exit*
Clearly I exaggerated that for comedy/effect, but hopefully you get the point.
Sounds like something I could work with. Thanks again!
Don't talk to her, ignore her. You're doing too much. If she really cares she will communicate with you. When (if) she wants to talk give her the ultimatum 2: electric boogaloo. Basically either tell her that either she gets her act together or you're breaking up. Make it seem like it's all her fault in the worst way imaginable.
I read everything but the only interesting bit is that his brother hit his girlfriend on her arm 3 times
Fucking this, I mean what the fuck is this bullshit, stupid bitch probably got gang-bang by her uncle and father
You should have punched your brother 3 times, then you all could have moved on
Stops all communication for a minor issue and has had previous problems communicating in the past as well. Tells other people about her problems before having a chance to resolve it.
In case Tldr lacks basic maturity
Premium wait material
Also anons were right, it was pretty well written
From my experience, women like this will always be like this. You can't change them, you can't train them. It's just who they are. You either learn how to handle them and deal with it or you move on.
kek
You did nothing wrong and you acted perfectly reasonable, it's she who's acting like a bitch and is clearly in the wrong here. She seems to be a bit mental and demanding you to pick her over your brother is preposterous to say the least. If she won't grow up and act like an adult, you may as well move on and rid yourself off of unnecessary burden.
what's wait material?
tldr fuck and dump her
This. You requested that she communicate and she refuses to. You are absolutely in the right here.
No real help here, but I'm going to re-up on that being well written.
I normally don't care to read that much on a mobile, but I'm glad I stuck it out.
Thanks :)
I'm supposed to meet up with her in about 10 hours. 90% sure that I'll break up with her. Wish me luck guys