I was supposed to get married the March of 2011, but had a change of heart and left my husband-to-be at the altar. He's since gotten married to someone else and has a two year old boy with a baby girl due in October. Would it be okay for me to be friends with him again? Has enough time passed? I would love to be friends with him again, but I am asexual and aromantic (I had been mulling over the possibility for roughly a year before our aborted marriage, though my sudden decision to vanish the day of the wedding surprised even me) so I have limited understanding of how badly what I did might have hurt him. I can intellectually understand that 'just friends' speeches hurt, but I can't empathize with the feeling since friendship is all I ever want from anyone.
I was supposed to get married the March of 2011, but had a change of heart and left my husband-to-be at the altar...
dont even try getting back in his life
hell, dont even think about it
I don't think it is a right thing to do. But depending on how he is then you might have a green light to do it though I'd really recommend waiting at least 20 years.
Hey, are you trying to get back with him? How do you think the wife will feel? Does he resents you?
Would it really cause any problems? He's in love with someone else now, I would be firmly friendzoned.
yes, it would. all kinds of problems. stay away from him
Pretty much this.
Okay, explain this in a way that I (someone devoid of romantic or sexual feelings) can understand. I would understand the problems that would arise from becoming friends again before he fell in love with someone else, but if his feelings have transferred to his wife, then no bad feelings should be drudged up. He knows who he's in love with, and that person is no longer me.
>his wife will be uncomfortable
>he might be uncomfortable
>you might develop feelings again
I never had feelings for him in the first place - not romantic ones, anyway. Valid points on the first two, though.
Since it's Jow Forums I would also suggest psychotherapy for this aromantic/asexual thing. With professional doctor, mind you.
It is a terrible idea. He probably either hates you or is saddened by you (or both), if you care about him in any way you should never attempt contact again. You are just a bad memory he is probably trying to forget.
>feelings have transferred to his wife
That's not how it works, he may love his wife but that doesn't mean he magically forgot everything you represented for him
This isn't something that should be hard to understand regardless of you being asexual, it's a basic sympathy thing.
before considering trying to befriend someone you left at the altar, consider the following:
>stop existing
/thread
Please stop existing and or find your next victim who isnt him.
I actually first turned to my therapist the May of 2010 when I had sex with my fiance for the first time and realized that I got no enjoyment out of the experience. After my fiance and I split up, one of my therapist's recommendations was that I try having safe sex with a variety of people I trust to see if my lack of sexual enjoyment transferred to anyone else besides my not-husband. I slept with five other men before the year was over and got no enjoyment out of the practice whatsoever. Between the fact that I've never experienced romantic or sexual feelings for anyone in my life and that every possible test showed that I'm physically normal in every conceivable way, I don't think there's much that can be done. I was just born this way. I love people as friends IMMENSELY, but it's the only kind of love I'm capable of.
There will be no more victims. I'm either going to be single for life, or will enter a marriage of (financial) convenience with someone who's just as romantically and sexually disinterested as I am.
Get on / off / change brands of hormone anticonception.
Go see psychologist and find out who molested you as a kid.
Go get your hormone levels checked.
Try getting your hands on /fit related steroids and see if there will be any change.
OP, you are a shitty person.
I think the wide array of friends and strangers whose lives I have touched and changed for the better would disagree with you.
Stay out of that poor mans life
Nah still a disgusting person
disgusting and a narcissist geez
That why I wrote professional doctor, not some kind of retard who sugesst having more sex with different people.
You seem like a sociopath (not trying to be mean or anything, thats the vibe you give off), so I wouldn't say that being asexual is the only thing wrong with you.
Also, while kind of rude, is right about "being molested" thing. It's highly likely that something happened during your childhood/developing years that interfered with growing up process, hence your weird behavior. It doesen't have to be sexual contact, but speculation is pointless. Professional help is the best advice you can get anyways.
a-Thot begone
you make me feel less autistic and I'm literally sperglord omega, congrats OP. Also that's a gigantic dick move and if you had felt that way you should have communicated it to him extensively because that's a major red flag and he's not going to just know that. Leaving someone on the altar because you didn't have yourself figured out and just freaked out is deeply hurtful and there'll always be a wound there. Don't ever speak to him again.
They can disagree with me as much as they like. Won't change the fact that you're obviously a terrible excuse for a human being.
>I am asexual and aromantic
Have you tried taking it in the ass?
This
Leave the poor bastard alone. No way that would end well
Bump
... I don't think I'm a sociopath... why do you think that? I was a self-loathing wreck for more than a year after hurting him. I even got so mad at my therapist once that I screamed at her after the incident whenever she told me "You aren't responsible for other people's feelings" (this was a few months after the incident and my not-husband was still in terrible shape over being my not-husband), and I shouted at her "I am whenever I created those feelings in the first place!" Romantic and sexual feelings are a blind spot for me, but I'm not evil.
I don't think you are a sociopath. Personally I think you might have autism, you seem to be very self-centered and have difficulties placing yourself in the shoes of others. A lot of asexuals do have autism too. Reading your replies there is a lot of
>I
>me
And very little
>he thought...
>she said...
>etc.
You don't really talk about the people themselves, more of how they make you feel. You give off the vibe that you don't care about people individually, you only care about what they can give you. You also seem to refuse to accept any fault as you claim to "not understand" how others feel because of your asexuality (an excuse).
Just my opinion but I think you are either autistic or a narcissist.
lmao, no fuck off whore
Sociopathy isn't inherently evil it means you're more you focused. The difference between you and a high functioning one though is that they can look past stuff and can analyze why and occasionally empathize with people. OP shows no sign of this but rather I care about this while disregarding how this might be a source of tension. Maybe OP really wants this friendship to work but you seem like a constant source of tension to the guy. Just my view though.
Bitch you ruined the happiest day of his life, he was prepared to share half his life with you and you just left him. Just move on and leave him the fuck alone.
He doesn't want to be your friend.
We'll see. I sent the email about half an hour ago, the first time we've spoken since 2011. If he wants to be friends again, wonderful, that makes me really happy. If he doesn't, I understand and will respect his choice.
No fuck off. Nobody needs or cares about your explanations
Did you literally leave him at the altar? Bail on the wedding day?
He never actually went up to the altar. I was just... nowhere to be found at the wedding. I snuck out of our apartment at about 4:00 in the morning, drove about 200 miles away to an online friend's house, and ignored all my phone calls. I sent my parents and boyfriend a text the next day saying that I was okay to keep them from worrying about me being missing, then came back home about two weeks later and explained things to my boyfriend (who wasn't my boyfriend after that day).
Such a piece of shit and want contact again for fuckall reason.
Im pretty sure thats what happend. Seems egoistic and retarded enough.
Holy fucking shit OP, leave the man alone. You already done enough damage already. Emailing him was a mistake. He's most likely happy with his life and want nothing to do with you.
and sucked his dick, dont forget that whore
Just leave him alone don't you mess with ma' boi again you' woman. Be happy with other people c'mon.
This
He really dodged a bullet
Why the he'll would you do this OP, even if he does want to see you its probably for closure and if something else you've made a complication in his life. The fuck is wrong with you that you keep harassing this guy. You barely have yourself sorted out and now you're fucking with someone after not only being a coward but wasting his time. OP harassing this man who has probably moved on by now because it's been 7 fucking years. Selfish as hell.
>keep harassing
She says she hasn't talked to him since 2011
I hope to find you one day, make you my gf, make you fall in love madly with me, only for me to dump you in the most heartbreaking way possible, and you end up committing suicide.
Fine, not keeps harassing but you have to acknowledge she's been in the dudes thoughts for a while if this shit happened. And by keeps harassing it means persisting in bothering the guy which she has by abandoning him, wasting years of his life, etcd. OP should not try to go for contact anymore.
Well, you guys don't have much to worry about. He replied to the email. (I changed my name to Ruby in 2014 because I thought my birth name, Laura, was too dull)
>Ruby,
>I don't think being friends again is a good idea. Ashley would be unhappy and I think the kids would be able to sense that something was wrong with her. You have enough friends as it is, I'm not going to risk my family for friendship.
>I don't have anything against you, but whatever love I held for you disappeared the day of our 'wedding' and I don't think I could bring back any fond feelings even if I wanted to. Don't mistake this for hate because it isn't, it's apathy. Whatever friendship we tried to recreate would be a lifeless, hollow sham. Apologies if you find this reply disappointing. Hope you are doing well. Jason
You can fuck right off.
I wouldn’t speak to you unless a judge dragged me into a courtroom and forced me to testify.
You can go fuck yourself with a splintered wooden spoon.
OP deserved this.
You have ZERO reason to talk to that guy. Absolutely no reason at all. Also, I am asexual as well and 99.99999% of the time it's because you have self esteem issues and are grossed out by the thought of yourself having sex. But you still masturbate. Yeah, nah you need to figure yourself out. And I'm not buying the name change was simply because you didn't like how your name sounded. Something happened and you changed it in an attempt to reinvent yourself, i'm sure. Like I mentioned, as you are now I wouldn't even give you the time of the day. People like you disgust me because I used to be and am still somewhat like you. Figure yourself out before it's too late.
No she didn't...
I'm sorry, Ruby.
Dont fuck his head over more than you already have
So what did you come here asking advice for, if you were going to do what you were gonna do anyway?
Oh, right, you're a selfish person merely looking for validation.
+1
Well there you go OP. The ending to this story you've been craving for 7 years. He doesn't give a fuck anymore about you, as it should be.
Go get on with your life and become one of those stereotypical old single ladies who hate the world for all the hurt it's done to them and who also have a fuck ton of cats for some reason.
>but I am asexual and aromantic
At 30 or near there are plenty of psychological issues unresolved for you to still be tagging yourself like a teen who is trying to find themselves.
Your former fiancee is obviously well adjusted and processed your abandonment like an adult and moved on with a woman that loves him and continues to build a family.
You can do whatever you want but you are presumptuous believing you would have anything to contribute, as a friend, to his life. You probably did leave a mark when you fled but its obvious it didn't paralyze him.
The only reason you want to reengage is to try and finish the job of destroying him since he escaped your last attempt.
Not OP, but what kind of issues would they be? Would it be molestation by someone when they were a child just like some user suggested in this thread?
>There will be no more victims
Bullshit you want to go back and finish him off. Your game may be different that what is normally associated with a predator but you are a predator. Inflicting pain makes you feel better.
were you looking for advice or just validation? You're a terrible person and i'm glad he didn't want to see you again. The only thing that worries me about this is that you probably won't just leave him alone. You will keep harassing him don't you?
Ruby, I think I love you. What you said about being in a relationship that doesn't worry about love, romance or anything like that but focuses on money instead is my ideal relationship too. I am an asexual guy as well, and have been for a very long time now. I think we can both benefit from this.
>be an ungratedul thot
>leave him at the altar
>decide to get back to him just because you felt like it
Fuck off right now.
As someone who was left at the altar, never get back in contact. We despise you with every single fibre in our bodies. If it was me I would let you back into my life only to thoroughly ruin yours. You are the worst kind of human in the world.
Leave him the fuck alone you cunt, even if your fake mental illness makes you think you're asexual or whatever.
>You probably did leave a mark
I'm aware that he dropped out from college in his third year after the wedding stuff and almost lost his job as well because his attendance was terrible for a month or two after. From what I've heard from mutual friends, he was pretty much a husk until meeting his now-wife late in 2012, and that just a few months into their relationship he was back to his old self and signing back up for college (he finished his degree in 2014). I did cause damage, but it's damage that healed long ago, I'm very thankful to say.
There may be a reason that contributes to this (the abused becomes an abuser) or she is an inherently bad seed. We cannot dismiss the fact some are just wicked and allow others to provide them an excuse for the repeated attacks. OP still hates this man she wounded but failed to destroy.
I will probably try to be friends with him again one day, but not for a very long time. That one user told me to wait 20 or so years; I think I'll take him or her up on that. We were friends long before we were lovers (we met in 9th grade in 2005 and he asked me out Christmas Day 2008), and I really would like to have some kind of friendship again one day.
She will keep trying to destroy his life. Thats what sociopaths do. Its all about them in the end.
You, and everyone else spouting nonsense like this, are misrepresenting me terribly. I didn't want to hurt him. Never. I ran away from the wedding and hid for two weeks because I was too weak and cowardly to tell him the truth and see the hurt on his face. Nothing could possibly makes me happier and feel more unburdened than to know I'm just a distant memory and that the girl he's with now could make him happier than a sack of shit like me ever could.
LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE
Holy shit, how can you be so dense and selfish?
You insensitive cunt, how shortsighted could you be. "He thankfully healed from that long ago" yet you only hear this through friends. You have no idea how this guy feels or felt and it's painfully aware you don't care how much you're hurting him. Scars may heal but the damage is still there. You wasted his life as long as you were there and are still causing lasting damage. Fuck you OP. You do some vile shit.
Sorry for the Engrish, I'm stressed and tired and crying a bit (or more than a bit).
Distant memory my ass, you just contacted him again, he wants nothing to do with you yet you still pursue him, leave this guy alone, shit if I were him I'd block you on every platform I could and make sure all your friends abondened you. Worse than trash. Genuinely shit person.
You liar, you prove what I see. Out of everything I wrote your obsession is on if you hurt him. Now you want to finish him off. How dare he move on so aptly after the gutting you gave him.
Anyway, he knows what you're about and why he declined your offer. He's doing what healthy people do, they protect their family and themselves.
>Nothing could possibly makes me happier and feel more unburdened than to know I'm just a distant memory
Again you lie. If that were true you wouldn't be hunting him down again to insert yourself in his life so you can try to fuck it up.
I have no idea at all where you people get this stuff. I hurt him and I'm probably a bad person, but I'm not a malicious one. Just stupid and possibly coldhearted.
A bad person yes, coldhearted yes, stupid no, too inconsiderate to consider other people. We get our impressions based off of what you typed, pretty apparent what type of person you are.
>but I'm not a malicious one
said the spider to the fly
Is funny when a predator is spotted as they lurk and they then whine about being a victim
I'm not forcing myself into his life, I asked him if he wanted a friendship seven and a half years after I hurt him and after he found happiness with someone else, he said no and I'm respecting his decision and god damn it listen to what I'm saying
>not malicious
Then why are you trying to get back in his life when he's told you he doesn't want you in his life?
You should just not. Just go away, leave this man alone. You're a thorn in his side that won't fuck off. He wants nothing to do with you after you literally fucked him over on the day of you and his wedding. You can't face the consequences of whatever happened that day so you ran away from it. While you were in hiding, he found a wife and a new life. Now after 7 years you contact him again and you think he doesn't hate your guts but is calm about it? It's clear he doesn't want to talk to you but you insist. Just leave him the fuck alone. You say you're asexual and aromantic but that's not true. You're an incredibly conflicted person because if you really were both those things, you would have left years ago and never thought about him again. Something lingers, you maybe want to "just become friends" with him again, but then you'll wriggle your way into his live once more. You want this man subconsciously, but when you had the goddamn motherfucking chance to be with him for life, you fucking blew it. You can't have both things, you can't have the man you hurt after 7 years. 7 years may have passed, bu the does not forget that day.
I'm not? He never told me that, not even in 2011. This is the first time he told me and I am respecting that decision.
He shouldn't have to tell you for you to realize you're being a cunt.
You're confused on the timeline. I was in hiding for only two weeks, from our 'wedding' on March 3rd 2011 until March 19th. I told him the truth whenever I got back, and we lived together for an incredibly awkward two weeks until I finished moving out all my stuff around the first of April. I continued sending him sporadic text messages throughout the rest of April and some of May because I didn't know whether cutting ties altogether would hurt him more or hurt him less. His replies were always short and empty, so I figured he wanted his distance and gave him that. After the May of 2011 I did not contact him a single time until this morning, thinking that maybe he'd be up for resuming friendship since so much time has passed and his circumstances have changed so much. Please read this and let it sink in, I'm not the demon you think I am.
>I will probably try to be friends with him again one day
You're not respecting that decision. You also shouldn't have to be told that the man you left at the altar doesn't want you in his life.
I hope you die
Right I understand. But that doesn't make you any less of the horrible person that you are. Maybe you've changed, I don't know, but from the way you talk on this thread it seems you're trying to turn the tables so you're becoming the victim here. I don't think you understand just how bad it actually became. Maybe you just didn't know how to understand it at the time, or you literally didn't have the capacity to understand the damage you've dealt to this man, and probably his friends and family. I think you're the one who should sink everything in once more and just try to understand the scale of mental damage you did to that man in the weeks following the no-show wedding. You are the demon I think you are.
Okay. I'll slow down and give things more thought. Maybe I'm oversimplifying things by assuming the past is erased and has no bearing on the present because seven years have passed and he's happy now.
>Would it be okay for me to be friends with him again?
You're a special kind of retard, aren't you?
Yeah happy because he dropped your ass. You don't even seem to have the capacity to understand what you did. No one's confused on the timeline all they care about is that you still decided to be a cunt and talk to him again. Your behavior is repulsive.
Man, what a dumb cunt.
>would love to be friends with him again
Why even? How dumb do you have to be to contact him after dumping him in such an insolent and cowardly way right before a fucking wedding? Why the fuck would he want to have anything to do with you? What do you think his wife would think about it? Use your fucking head, you shitty narcissistic trashperson.
>years passed so the past doesn't exist anymore and it's like it never happened
>this whole thread
I hope this is just b8, and thots like you don't exist.
>went in actual fucking hiding from a guy dumped at the altar
>says "ONLY" two fucking weed
>some poor sob spent two weeks out of his fucking mind not knowing what was going on because some bitch had a last minute change of mind
Just imagine the conversation. Oh hey, Mrs. Wife, that thot that dumped me at the altar years ago wants to be friends. Should she come visit us for dinner this evening or tomorrow? Oh, dear Mr. Hubbie, as soon as possible, I can't wait to meet her and cook for her! Make sure she meets our lovely child too.
OP you are a cunt and I hope someone hurst you that way.
You are here asking for adv. You should ask for a punishment.
Addmit at least to yourself what you did. And cntacting him was dumb and even more respectless and selfish.
Attention whoring, heartless, delusional piece of trash.
FUCK YOU
SOMEONE SPAM OR DELETE THIS THREAD. IT DOES NOT EVEN DESERVE ATTENTION.
people like this exist not just women. they are so accustom to getting what they want of people as they try to destroy them it astounds them to be called on it
>IT DOES NOT EVEN DESERVE ATTENTION
While I believe her attack on this man reprehensible I think it does us good to see up close there are bad people out there. we all need to be able to spot them despite outward appearance and claiming to be victims themselves. usually those that play victim bite the hand of us that reach out to help
Christ, who hurt all you guys? What she did seven years ago was terrible, but otherwise she seems pretty reasonable to me.
I hope the poor guy realizes how crazy you are and blocks you from all sites so you never have contact with him again.