Why do some people struggle to find any relationships, while others can date with ease?

Can you please tell me how you did it? In very precise and specific detail, from the beginning.

You sound more depressed than me, cause I’ve at least never contemplated suicide. I just don’t understand how you could get a relationship while also fighting those feelings.

I’ve tried everything. No girls find me attractive. My autism is what puts them off I’m guessing, because I’m successful at getting matches on Tinder but then they don’t respond to my messages

I know it sounds awful. But I kind of don’t care.

I’m not looking for a life partner right now. Just someone to date and have fun with. I don’t care if it ends in a messy fight or break up. I just want the experience

You don’t understand what it’s like for me. No woman has ever agreed to go on a date with me. I feel like the most unattractive man on earth. If I could just date someone for a while it would lift my self esteem so much.

Ever heard the term fake it till you make it? Pretty much it. The girl was interested in me to begin with without me talking to her though. But I chose to become this goodie two shoes that I literally hate myself but part of me feels that it's better than being alone. So my main point is approach girls and don't be afriad to be turned down, not every girl who approaches you you'll say yes to. Some are landwhales others ugly many shallow. The point is to find one who likes you despite your flaws then try to either fix yourself. Never change for anyone though, you'll end up in my position. Everyday I wonder if today is the day I'll snap. So that's not the best mentality.

Go to a bar find one who is somewhat drunk not stumbling. Have sex raw, you got a partner for life. Drink a beer to loosen you. No more than 3 you'll turn into a slob and girls will ignore you rather than talk to you.

Mostly because people who have mental stress like being fake when confronting social situations, and therefore distance themselves emotionally from people, family, and strangers alike.

You building a wall between your thoughts and the outside world has had this effect where you feel as though you will never get a female partner, but it is a direct result of lack of confidence rather than physical appearance or money. Sure, some women will seek such superficial things out of men who possess them, but just as their love for them is superficial, so will their relationship and will ultimately face its demise. This leaves you, a social nimwit, to elect to break down the barrier you've set for yourself and allow your mind to be spoken rather than impersonated.

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Fake it til you make it, yeah. But it just doesn’t work. I put on the act of being a confident and charismatic guy around friends but no girls I meet are ever interested in me. It’s like I have an aura that actively repulses women

I go to bars all the time and never have I ever found even one woman who is interested in me

So what, specifically, can I do about this then?

The main difference is that the vast majority of people who claim they "struggle" to find a relationship are just not actively looking for a partner. That's literally it. You can have all the mental illness you want, if you ask out girls regularly there's one that's gonna answer favorably at some point.

>Fake it til you make it, yeah. But it just doesn’t work. I put on the act of being a confident and charismatic guy around friends but no girls I meet are ever interested in me. It’s like I have an aura that actively repulses women
because women see through that shit

How you think you come off is completely inverse to how people, and particularly women, see you.
Try watching some cringe videos on youtube to get an idea. A more popular one in recent times is that Garth Brooks made a facebook post where he kind of introduces himself to the "scene" but comes off entirely creepy.
What you can do about this?
I don't know, record yourself.
Or try just simply interacting with one of the billions of people in the world and gauging their response. Watch their faces, study their body language, and observe their response to anything you say/do.

Have some self-awareness

I am actively looking. But no girls are interested

No, I don’t actually ask them on dates, but that’s for several reasons
>1. I don’t know how to ask someone on a date
>2. I don’t believe any girl would even consider saying yes, because no girls show me any signs of interest
>3. Even if a girl did say yes I am 99% certain they would be repulsed later on when I have to admit I’m a kissless virgin who has never dated

>How you think you come off is completely inverse to how people, and particularly women, see you

Well that’s fucking brilliant.

I have literal autism. How am I supposed to rectify these things? I have a disease in my brain that literally prevents me from having a normal level of social skills.

EZ PZ
>1. I don’t know how to ask someone on a date
When you simplify things, humans aren't as complex as you think they are on first glance. Sure maybe some people, but a vast majority of normies and women are, who would've guessed it, socially experienced and can read emotions and therefore understand what you may be hinting at. Try being funny. Try simply imagining this person not as being a love interest (to get rid of the nervousness you feel) and as a friend. You'll no doubt be able to develop this so long as you feel COMFORTABLE talking to the person.
>2. I don’t believe any girl would even consider saying yes, because no girls show me any signs of interest
You've got the wrong impression. People don't feed upon misery, contrary to popular belief. Well, at least most people do. And someone actively trying to humiliate you is hard to come by. If you get rejected, it's almost always going to be light, sprinkled with an excuse, and polite. What you have to do is accept such things as life and be willing to move forward and try again until you succeed. This is the motivation for human evolution and the process of improving any standard skill.
>3. Even if a girl did say yes I am 99% certain they would be repulsed later on when I have to admit I’m a kissless virgin who has never dated
That's blatantly false. So long as you're open about things in your life, you shouldn't encounter such a problem, especially considering they'd have initially said YES to the relationship, meaning that they have at least some degree of understanding of who you are.
How you should rectify it? It's not a mental disease, it's entirely perception. How you see the world is starkly contrast to how someone who doesn't have this diagnosed disorder, because they have a different idea in mind when they are socially confronted. You have to keep in mind that you'll have to completely adjust the way you think about things in this respect.

>If you get rejected, it's almost always going to be light, sprinkled with an excuse, and polite.

That doesn’t really make it any easier. A rejection is still someone saying “I do not find you attractive”. A rejection is still someone confirming all my worst fears about myself by implying I am undateable.

I just want this to be over already. No one knows what it’s like. I’ve spent a very large portion of my life in crushing, debilitating depression because no girls want to date me

Then don't take it so personally. You can always take constructive criticism, but you take the way someone's completely subjective point of view reflects you in their eyes. Who the fuck cares if one girl gives me the cold shoulder? I'm still gonna smash because there's so many others to bother with.

I can’t not take it personally. My entire lifetime has been zero romantic interest from girls. A rejection is another thing to be thrown onto that absolutely mountainous pile

I’m tired of this. Sick and tired

Brother, just breathe air and take a new perspective.

It's hard to change, I know. But when has it ever been easy to conquer adversity and achieve success? To some, it comes easy. To the others who see the other side and come out on top, it becomes all the more valuable to have experienced it, for you are more the wiser in contrast.

After I sorted myself out mentally, it took me two years to find a compatible person. Once you're in the clear you realize many others are somehow fucked, and you obviously dont want to drag yourself down into mentally unstable waters. It's called having standards and not grabbing the first oppertunity that presents itself.

I don’t even know what I am supposed to be doing

There is no clear step by step guide of how to get dates when you are a guy who has never dated. There is no easy advice. It’s all dependent on abstract variables and luck

I just want one girl to go on a date with me. Is that too much to ask?

Put yourself among friends. If not, among strangers. Take risks and attempt interaction.
Go to the gym. Work out.

Simple things you could come up with. There are guides, but they usually don't provide useful advice because it varies on a case-by-case basis.

also stop playing the role of a victim. Don't expect love to come to you, you must assert yourself and find it.

I already do these things. They haven’t brought me any closer to my goal of going on a date with a girl

I am the victim. No one else has struggled as much as I have to get one date and still seen zero success

>No one else has struggled as much as I have to get one date and still seen zero success
Which explains why you will continually see no success.

You think yourself to be the ultimate tragic failure of the world who's woes are unmatched. In reality, your struggle is incredibly common. The moment you realize you aren't special and your problems aren't independent to you, the sooner you can address them and stop viewing things from your solipsistic frame of reference.

>I already do these things. They haven’t brought me any closer to my goal of going on a date with a girl
I've provided much advice, and frankly I don't care to write anything further on this. If you wish, read back and deeply understand what I've said. Ponder. Take some time for yourself and come to a resolve, and once you have, act decisively and without question. You will either remain this way for the rest of your life, living in misery, or change and become integrated but a wiser man for it.

>I’m literally autistic, depressed my whole life, and may have other undiagnosed conditions because of how constantly neurotic and crazy I am. How could I ever believe a woman could be attracted to me?
That's an accurate description of my boyfriend.
He got laid a lot and had two long term girlfriends. Me and a girl much hotter than me.

That's not the point. There is always a learning curve. The younger you start the faster you'll learn. People who are good at dating now developed these skills in their younger years. If you want to be good, or at least decent at something, whatever it is, stop whining and start practicing.

See this is what I mean.
>I'm "actively looking"
>I don't actually ask them on dates though cuz excuses.

Learn to deal with rejection and failure, you fucking incels.

Honestly this is kind of a retarded analogy lad

Anyone can learn to play the piano. Just set it in front of them and have them play classical pieces for days on end.

Relationships differ in that you can't just plop some random roastie whore into some dumb incel's life and expect the two to acclimate towards each other. This is especially the case if both parties originated from extremely socially different selection pools (let's say the roastie whore is your typical "thot" while the incel is just some random Jow Forums poster)
And this isn't even considering personal experiences/grievances one might have against the other, or mental hindrances

in other words, you're a dumb normie nigger. Get offa' my board

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I have never met another man like me who struggles as much as I do with attracting women.

Most “incels” are shut ins and misogynists. I’m not. I’m a normal guy who just has mental issues. I’m decently physically attractive. I’m in shape. I don’t hate women. It shouldn’t be THIS hard for me

How?

Why would I willingly put myself through the pain of rejection?

I’ve already been implicitly rejected by every girl I’ve ever met. I don’t want to add explicit rejections to that

I should also add, Op

Normies find girlfriends (or boyfriends) because they're normies. I experienced this back when I was a teen. I watched all of my (online) friends clique up and constantly date each other. With me being the socially inept third wheel I was, I never really managed to date (or keep friends for that matter).

It's a lot like jobs imo. I've been applying to many places, but it turns out you need industry experience or nepotism to get your foot in the door. Relationships aren't any different- you need buds and pals, social capital to fall back on. It's why roasties don't go out to theaters alone, bringing their social safety net with them is a social survival tactic (it also allows them to bond over a common experience).

t. low iq mentalcel retard
*dabs*

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The word "just" makes you come off as entitled. You do not have the right to anything. Maybe this is part of the problem why you can't get any dates.

>How?
I can tell you the things that I find attractive about him, can't tell you about other girls because... you don't really ask your boyfriend "how did you manage to bed all those girls when you were in college?".

He's unapologetic about who he is and what he thinks. He doesn't try to please me, or to fit in. He's who he is, and you either like him or not. He's abrasive, and arrogant, but he's very honest and very upfront. He has a spine, he has his own morals, he doesn't try to compromise who he is just to get people to like him.
He's smart, interesting, funny. You could talk to him for days and never get bored.
He's a very kind person. Genuinely kind, not Nice Guy kind. He's generous and really caring in the best ways. He really pays attention to people when they talk to him.

He's very physically attractive to me, he's really my kind of guy. My friends all agree he's slightly hotter than average but none of them was "W O W E HE'S HOT" like they were with some other guys I dated.

Except I do have friends and an active social life and so should, by all means, be dating women through that. If you met me in real life you would think I was a “normie”

But why do I deserve to be miserable and alone? What did I do to deserve this?

I’m so frustrated all the time. I feel like a child who can’t figure out how to ride a bike no matter how hard he tries. I feel like dating is this endlessly complex foreign language and I’m the only one who can’t learn it.

I have no comprehension of how dating works. No understanding of how to attract women.

I’m just miserable. I want this to be over. I want someone to give me a chance. Every night when I go to sleep and sit in bed I actually shed tears because I’m overwhelmed by the emotions I feel from being so totally unwanted by women. This isn’t a joke. This really is my life

>Except I do have friends and an active social life and so should, by all means, be dating women through that. If you met me in real life you would think I was a “normie”
you're just a failed normalnigger then

>I feel like dating is this endlessly complex foreign language and I’m the only one who can’t learn it.

The problem is, the problem doesn't lie with dating itself, it lies with you. You're having trouble navigating your own emotions and can't analyze yourself over anything. Take a long time and ponder.
Think.
Understand.
Empathize.

You need to deeply, not so much meditate, but pontificate and come to conclusions. Turn those conclusions into resolutions.

The fact that you keep throwing around the word “nigger” and calling people “normies” really proves you are a very maladjusted person and not someone I should be taking advice from

Have a nice life, nerd

> I am the victim. No one else has struggled as much as I have to get one date and still seen zero success

Go to Jow Forums and 80% of the people there has the exact same story as you.
Know one thing, your problem is not with dating or with being undesirable, the problem is that you deeply resent yourself. You cannot fathom the idea that somebody could ever like you, because you yourself don't even like you.

...But, the problem doesn't end there, not liking yourself is fucking insane. When does someone end up not liking themselves? When they've been abused, deeply and repeatedly.

And again, you haven't been abused, have you? Your father never hit you, you had food, friends, a house, birthday parties, etc?

Emotional abuse; long term-bullying, emotionally neglectful or even abusive parents/siblings/uncles.

If you're not in therapy, get into therapy ASAP, or you will turn into a fucking full blown narcissist, and you will never be happy.

> I am the victim. No one else has struggled as much as I have to get one date and still seen zero success

This is narcissism. This does not mean that you are a full-blown narcissist, but you've already paved the way.
You don't want to end up a full-blown narcissist, they are beyond saving.

Fucking reflect on your emotions the coming weeks, write, get in touch with a therapist/psychologist, take actual care for yourself (whatever the fuck that may mean).

I fully believe that you can actually do this, but it's you who needs to do the work; -you- need to change, not others.

Dating is something you will automatically ease into when you're more ready, you're not in tune with yourself at the moment.

I don’t know what any of this means.

I tried meditation and it calms me for a while but I can’t put to rest this great beast which screams at me every night.

I tried techniques I was given in therapy like writing down my “problems” and trying to work through the most logical conclusions. But it doesn’t work for long

I just can’t break out of this. No amount of therapy has been able to save me. My brain has convinced me that I am uniquely unattractive, that I will never go on even one date, and that it might even be biologically impossible for women to be attracted to me. I don’t see any way out of this. I’ve harbored these very dark thoughts for as long as I can remember and nothing has been able to banish them from my mind

bullshit, all you need is good looks and you don't need to practice.
My friend, a handsome guy but severely autistic around people, spends 10 hours a day playing vidya. Got his first gf because he left the house for once and went to a party hosted by his relative. There was a girl there that came up to him and dragged him into an empty room, he sperged out but she still wanted to keep in touch with him and eventually they started a relationship because she kept texting him. He was at a low point in life, he wouldn't reply to anyone's messages, NEET, depressed and did nothing about it. The fact she liked him gave him that boost he needed to get his shit together but that was after they got together.

If you are below average looking then you have to grind for it. I'm still struggling with dating girls but I went from asking 0 girls out in 22 years to asking out 3 girls and chatting up 5 in total within a year. I'm likable and a fun person to have around apparently but sadly I'm not much of a looker so I'm still looking for a girl by doing the classic "work on yourself and the girls will come eventually" which does work but it doesn't guarantee that you'll get laid or get a gf. There is a lot of shit you have to deal with, for instance, 1st girl is great and out of loneliness I put up with a lot of her mental issues but she's on and off happy and bitchy for no reason so right now, if it wasn't for the fact I'm alone, I would've already moved on from her months ago. Another girl likes me but is a massive slut. So thats the kind of girls you are settling down for, if you want a normal girl then you unfortunately have to aim low, below your league but at least you know she's gonna be loyal. The whole "personality over looks" meme isn't true, if thats the case with you then be ready for the girl to string you along for awhile and if nothing better comes up, she'll settle for you, people just think "wow my personality won her over" but lets be honest

>Go to Jow Forums and 80% of the people there has the exact same story as you

No, most of Jow Forums are people like this weirdo who keeps calling me a “normalnigger”. So weeaboos and internet freaks who are virgins because they either don’t step outside the house or because they alienate everybody.

The actual number of people like me, as in relatively normal people with social lives who are tormented by inner demons that prevent them from attracting women, is so diminishingly small that it’s irrelevant. I’ve never met anyone else in my specific position

It’s not that I hate myself. I think I’m a decent looking guy, I have my talents, I’m kinda funny at times, I’ve lived a good life in many respects. I just think there’s something “off” about me. There’s something about me that means I just can’t attract women. I look and act normal but I don’t inspire sexual feeling in anyone.

And, again, therapy has never helped me on this issue. When I tell therapists that I believe no women are attracted to me they get weirded out and don’t quite know what to say. They’re not equipped to deal with such a strange and alien issue as a man who just can’t get girls.

This is the harsh truth.
I know a Chad who doesn't have a job, a car nor a license but he plays football and has social status, so he has had many gfs and is currently living in his new gf's apartment. Ugly guys (or even average) are fucked.

Ok good to see you've been in therapy for a while.

You clearly have a very low self-esteem, if you have no idea how to get to a point of emotional awareness, or what self-care means, or what "processing emotions" means or any of that, it means you have a great period ahead of you, because this is something you can learn.

This is going to take some effort on your end, but it is going to be effective in the long-run. Read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read and read. Discuss what you read with your therapist.

Based on what you've written so far, I'd recommend starting with "The body keeps the score". I'm not sure what your story is, but other great book candidates may be:

* Running on empty (childhood emotional neglect) -- childhood emotional neglect results in people who are unable to process or even feel their emotions, who feel empty all the time, and have no idea why. Childhood seems normal; had food, had parents, had housing, had friends, had birthday parties, never been hit, etc... The problem is not about what _did_ happen, the problem is about what _didn't_ happen. If you've never experienced what it's like to be cared for, then you won't know that you're missing it now.

* CPTSD -- not a book, just a topic you should study. Self-hate, extremely low self-esteem, "this great beast which screams at me every night" all point to abuse, it doesn't matter if it's extreme abuse or not, or that you may reject the idea of being abused; the result is clearly there.
reddit.com/r/cptsd is fairly decent resource

* Feeling good by david burns -- This is a book about depression. It won't resolve your depression or your problems, but it is full of helpful exercises and insights that are a great supplement to your therapy and other books.

... more to come (2000 word limit)

Well to be honest I already know the most likely cause of these feelings. I was bullied harshly from 8 to 16 and never fully recovered.

Was cared for well at home but school was a nightmare. Missed out on literally every milestone. No friends, no teenage experiences, no silly high school girlfriends, no prom. I had to rebuild my life from scratch at age 16 but I don’t think I’ll ever become truly normal.

* Narcissism -- Narcissism is a maladaptive defense mechanism turned into a broken personality. When you feel like you "deserve" a gf, but you refuse to look inward, refuse to be vulnerable with others, or keep deflecting the problem

(which you are doing:

> And, again, therapy has never helped me on this issue. When I tell therapists that I believe no women are attracted to me they get weirded out and don’t quite know what to say. They’re not equipped to deal with such a strange and alien issue as a man who just can’t get girls.

Specifically

> They’re not equipped to deal with such a strange and alien issue as a man who just can’t get girls.

You're playing the victim here. You won't agree with me, of course, but that doesn't make it less true. You can only ever become happy if you can acknowledge your weaknesses.
Again, I'm being extremely confrontational, but believe me, you've developed all of these nasty quirks because you had to. I'm in a similar position right now, and it is extremely painful to confront yourself with your weaknesses and deep flaws, but it is the only way forward.

Reading "the body keeps the score" is what eventually made the difference for me, it turned me from "I am deeply and irrepairably flawed on the inside" to "I have developed extremely negative coping mechanisms to defend myself, these are nasty, but as long as I am aware of them I can work towards bettering myself."

I can't tell you what it is, for me personally, it turned out that my mother was a covert emotionally abusive psycho, and I repressed all of my feelings for years, because "you're just saying you're depressed because you need attention", "you can't even take care of yourself", "you're useless", etc...

Alright, if that's the case, keep reading. Self-care is something you can learn.. Just like how repeated exposure to hate can turn you to hate yourself, repeated exposure to "healthy" feelings can help you learn to care for yourself.

It takes time. And again, read. Read lots

>"you're just saying you're depressed because you need attention", "you can't even take care of yourself", "you're useless",
Unfortunately she was right in describing you in those ways, as, even though you may think otherwise, proclaiming your undiagnosed depression and wanting sympathy as such is simply a move that begs for attention, and makes me believe you're just an edgy 16 year old girl who will always confront problems with "YOU DON'T KNOW ME" and "lol okay sweetie".

Hard to know.

Look op the key is not good looks. It's confidence, women girls and even men love that. Someone who carries themselves high and just has a natural way with him. It's why Chads get so much pussy, it's not because they are Chads and girls like douchebags. It's because girls love confidence and nothing screams that than acting like you don't care about the hottest chick who just walked in class, work, bar, or gym. Girls perceive chads arrogance and rudeness as confidence. He doesn't second guess himself his self driven. Even ugly has can haul a fuck train of pussy if they are confident and assertive (meaning determined and alphaish not rapy type)so just try to be yourself but carry yourself higher. Don't walk in with your hands in your pocket and looking at the ground, walk in chest up and high and take your time scanning the room don't go straight to looking. They see this as a sign of desperation. Dress well, groom yourself trust me with the right appearance and attitude you could even get 10s to chase you.

Be impressive in some way (career, humanitarian, etc.), dress and groom well enough, be consistent, be kind but not a doormat. Confidence and consistency will be doing the bulk of the work here. It took me four months to court my current gf, and it's the best relationship I've ever experienced. I actually see a permanent future with her. Long term hard work does pay off if you pick the right woman.

What you see with a lot of people is the end result, not the work that went into getting there.

Luck.

>hey let's go on a date sometime
>"no"
>repeat 10,000x
HURR JUST GET BETTER BY PRACTICING

not really. Some of us are just ugly. I've been trying dating sites for years. Got 3 dates total, only went on a second date once and I think that was out of pity for how bad the first went. In all I probably sent messages to over 300 women.

additionally, no matches on tinder or bumble either.

This is the most hollow advice ever given.
It isn't "confidence" to ignore women completely. Confidence is going up and taking what you want from them, which only works when you're attractive.