Feeling like a cuck? A phantom cuckold? Can someone help me with these feelings?
So I talked to my girlfriend and shes basically confirmed for me that she's not that into sex with me but does it because she knows i really like it.
She will walk around without pants on and grab at my cock/start grinding against me every hour or so when we're alone, often initiate sexual activity.
But lately I've just noticed that during sex she seems more...dramatic, and so I tested her by doing something painful to her during sex and watching her force a positive reaction from herself. Then I confronted her about it and she admitted she "enjoys it because its with me". Anyway I have always wanted our sex to be as good as possible for her and so I will often ask questions when I get these feelings like she's not enjoying it that much like "do you like this" "this or that" whatever, I mean and often I will just take control too but she has had lots of opportunities to talk with me about her genuine preferences..
Anyway I just feel at a FUCKING LOSS by her behavior.
She will often blow me 2-3 times a day and fuck pretty much whenever i show interest, multiple times a day/evening like I said.
She is very submissive, allows almost whatever i want, etc.
But i just feel like all her interest in me is fucking fake now and it makes me feel like shit even though she "fakes" it for *my pleasure*, I feel so manipulated and emasculated, like does she really think my pride so great that she needs to fake her orgasms and shit?
IDK anons we talked a lot about it and it seems like she just genuinely has romantic/intimate feelings for me but doesnt like having sex with me in the same way that I like it with her. And that really bothers me because sex is kind of an emotional act in my mind.
I have near 100 certainty shes not cheating, cant say for certain obviously (and haha OP you couldnt even tell she was faking sex how could you know this) but whatever just trust me on this.
GF admits to faking reactions during sex???
I'll try to TLDR this, my head is still kind of spinning I guess, we talked about this last night and she just left for work.
>gf initiates a lot of sex
>start feeling like shes faking some orgasms
>doubt creeps into other aspects of sex beyond orgasms
>test her
>she admits she doesn't get as much physical pleasure from our sex as I do basically
>that she fakes a lot of it because she just enjoys making me happy
>OP feels like shit
>inadequate, used
>OP just wanted her to be genuine and to work on making better sex together
>kind of feel disgusted and like cutting her out but think I may be in love
Anyway I kind of just needed to write this somewhere but please can someone empathize with me. Or suggest some advice. I feel really fucked up about this.
When I confronted her I expected
>oh sex just isnt that important to me
>i just wanted to make you happy
>yeah but dont you like it?
But instead she told me "I didn't tell you what I want during sex because I feel like my opinion doesn't matter" when I will (especially as the doubt has crept in more seriously) routinely ask her what she wants/likes/is this good what about this ETC...
Fucking hell anons someone please just talk to me about this
Try giving her a big O.
I really try and she comes sometimes? but usually she just fakes it at the same time that I cum and is "done" as soon as I do
If my wife did that, I'd tie her down and give her so many REAL orgasms that she'd never think of doing that again.
In reality, if my wife ever did that, I'd leave her for lying to me.
>she told me "I didn't tell you what I want during sex because I feel like my opinion doesn't matter"
This sounds like it actually has very little to do with you. It doesn't sound like she thinks your pride is too great or your ego is too fragile, it sounds like it has more to do with her own self-esteem than anything.
I do that to my husband.
I tried to help him to learn how to make sex pleasureable for me for years but he‘s resistant to any improvement and at some point i just gave up.
I love him and i don‘t want to risk our relationship and family over sex. It‘s very important to him, so i just do what i need to do.
It‘s extremely frustrating. Having sex without enjoying it is no fun at all. I‘d still wish he would finally click and develope a more mature approach to sex.
Honestly, i blame porn. He can‘t distinguish between fantasy and reality and he‘s absolutely incapable of being responsive to me in bed.
My part in this is that i am extremely self conscious and thus don‘t get pleasure out of physical contact easily. It takes a lot to get me horny and he has no idea how to do that despite me trying to tell him over and over again. He just won‘t listen and rather do what he‘s read somewhere in a cosmopolitan article.
That doesn't sound like OP's situation, though
OP wants to improve the sex he has with his partner, she's the one who isn't being a part of that
The thing is I think I have given her real orgasms in the past but now I just question everything I do..
It seems like her intentions are good do I really leave her for just wanting to make it a good experience for me?
This insight means a lot to me...but I feel like it doesn't explain why she would not come forward and tell me how to make it better for her when I ask directly? Surely that would be enough fuel for her self esteem?
Thank you for sharing this. But surely you'd try and work with him if he seemed more interested in improving the experience for you, and if he was "tuned in" enough to recognise that you were faking some parts?
>Surely that would be enough fuel for her self esteem?
Nope.
People with low self-esteem literally convince themselves that other people are lying to them if they say nice things or make nice offers. Does she also find it hard to take a compliment?
It's extremely frustrating to deal with (I'm sure I don't need to tell you), but trust me, it's way worse to BE the person with low self-esteem.
I also sometimes have orgasms during sex with my husband, but they are more uncomfortable than anything else because it‘s basically just a physical reaction. I‘m not mentally turned on, so it just feels draining. I don‘t doubt she had orgasms in the past, maybe she just didn‘t enjoy them.
He SAYS that he‘s interested in it but his actions speak a different language entirely.
I can tell him i like this or that or can you do this a bit gentler or harder or i need you to slow down and so on. The moment he‘s horny it‘s as if his brain goes to auto pilot and he forgets everything.
She was telling me about how in her family it was expected to basically shut up and do what is expected sort of thing, and she shared this with me during our conversation about sex. I think her self esteem is probably pretty low and that's not something I had considered so thank you, I think you may be spot on.
I have to travel away from her so I think I will show her some of the letters from her that I've kept at my far away home, that might make her feel good.
What the fuck else do I do in this situation besides try to be more conscious of her self esteem? I just want to be able to feel close to her and make her feel good and especially during sex
So besides making sure that my actions are in line with what I want, what else would you recommend I do in my situation?
Be patient, because working on this shit takes time. It can take months or even years. It depends on her mostly.
And understand that there isn't actually a whole lot that you CAN do. You can support her, and make it clear to her how much her happiness means to you. But the majority of the work really has to come from her.
Also, do NOT fall into the trap of making yourself responsible for her happiness. This is not, and cannot be, your responsibility. You will drive yourself nuts and bitter if you try to do that.
The main thing that bothers me is that i feel like he knows that i‘m not really turned on and he still keeps going. It makes me feel like i‘m nothing more than his flesh light.
I‘d wish he would try to tune in to me more, be more attentive to how my body reacts and be more „there with me“ instead of doing his own thing „to me“.
I wish he would take the time to make out and caress me more. He mostly goes straight to touching my clit or nipples and that‘s way too much and unpleasurable. I wish his touches would feel like he values me and wants to explore every inch of my body. Not just the parts flashed in porn. Maybe try to do that to begin with.
Zz I think I'm probably guilty of this by having doubts about her enjoyment but continuing because she doesn't vocalize it..thanks for the advice I'll be thinking about this.
How do I translate this into concrete action that I can take in my situation?
I recommend you read pic related. It‘ll gove you some valueable informations on how to proceed.
I‘m similar to your gf. I also frew up knowing that nobody actually gives a fuck about how i feel or what i need/want. So i learned to simply ignore my needs in favor of making everyone else happy or atleast not make things worse by demanding to be taken serious. It‘s hard to unlearn but it sounds like your gf is on the right path to acknowledge it. Atleast she already sees where the issue lies.
Forgot pic
Just fuck the pool boy already
Not OP, but I think the "trap" you are talking about is happening to me, tho it's not my lover, but a family member I really care for. She and I have been close since we were little, and she has had a shit life for most of her life, she was constantly sad during our teenage years, and she carried that sadness on till today. I always felt "responsible" of her mental state, like I HAD to make her happy, because I think she deserves it. But this has led me to always feel stressed whenever I'm hanging out with her, because I'm always paying attention at how she feels and how she acts, it worries me too much.
I don't know how you could help me, or if you even can. I just wanted to share this
Yep, it sounds like that's what's happened
If you're stressed out whenever you're together, that's not healthy. Creating some distance between the two of you might be necessary for your own health. At the very least, you have to acknowledge to yourself that your constant worry is NOT helping her. Your constant attention is NOT helping her. You're creating this shitty situation for yourself and it isn't even having any benefit. It just sucks for no reason.
Next time she calls you and you start to feel your stress rising, just say, "I'm sorry, I can't hang out right now. I'll talk to you later though." Practice that. It'll be hard at first, but it's really important.
Everything points to a self esteem issue, OP. Concrete actions: remind her that she makes you feel so loved and take interest in her individuality in ways that don't make her depend on you. Compliment her
determination, dedication, etc. in her work, studies, or hobbies without creating a dependance on external validation. "You've been working very hard on _____, and your effort and progress really shows." Feel free to dress it up or make it more personal, but that's the general idea. On sex, try initiating something with her. Put yourself in a service role. Go slow, and be so so gentle with her. Take care of her. Remind her that she's important and that you love making her feel good.
Your situation breaks my heart. I used to be in a very similar one. I'm now dating this guy who understands the things I desire and appreciate (in bed and otherwise) and makes it a priority to take care of me, and it makes my desire to do the same for him feel so ordered and goos. I understand divorce is messy and drastic, but if he doesn't take care of you and he doesn't want to change, then you owe it to yourself to leave. Falling in love with my current partner has been the best thing in the world to happen to my individuality. I want this for you too.
I feel you on the bit about invalidated needs, user. I hope you're doing well. Also nice taste in literature.
That being said, OP, I'd also like to stress that you aren't responsible for her happiness. She should be able to take care of herself, but I don't think that's is the issue here.
She loves you and wants you to feel good. Growing up, she was conditioned to believe that the needs of other are more important than her own. If you show her that her needs are important and that you love caring for her enough to put yourself in a service role, that might help her realize how valuable she is (both to you and in general) and allow her to relax and be taken care of.
Thank you for the advice. What can I do besides notice and appreciate things that are important to her to help raise her esteem and help us feel closer?
Generally remind her that she is important in ways that are genuine. Remind her that you love taking care of her and that she makes you feel loved. Show her that you want her. Sometimes that cam just be simple language. "I ache for you." "I want you." "You are so desirable." Make it you. Communicate those kinds of messages. Maybe sit down and have another conversation about her self-worth and tell her how much she means to you? Make sex about her. Tell her that you want to take care of her and you don't mind how long that takes. Use your lips and tongue and fingers. Tell her how amazing she feels and tastes and looks. I can't tell you exactly how to do everything,but the general idea is just to remind her that she's lovely and loved.
The fact that you care about her enough to try to make her feel better already says a lot, user. :)
What a pain in the ass to deal with
?
Isn't it obvious if a woman fakes?
Mine's pussy squeezes the hell out of me if I am doing it right. Also, we tell each other if a position isn't good.
Ever heard of kegels? You can easily do that voluntarily.
This definitely isn’t about sex positions.
not him but how do i know if im doing kegels correctly
You can insert your finger and squeeze it. You should feel it. Also, imagine you want to suck something in and up. A peach or so.
go pee and stop yourself midway
thats how it should feel
>Go pee.
>Continue peeing.
>Drown yourself in piss.
>Allow the urine to consume you.
>You are one with your bladder.
>Damn, thats a strong pelvic floor.
You cant twitch that fast voluntarily. Orgasm spasms are too fast to imitate.
I just did. It works perfectly fine. You don‘t have to contract fully, just kind of „flutter“.
Op, are you still around?
Would there have been a way for your gf to tell you that would have hurt a little less?
Yeah I'm still around. This is a tough question. I don't know if I would say that she "told me", as I was the one who initiated the conversation/confrontation(?)/discussion.
So I don't think the manner that the information was revealed could have been much different, to answer your question.
However I find myself wishing that she was more detailed in her explanation of why, I wish she had shared more of her emotional standpoint mostly, e.g. "well I do this because I feel like this when this happens". I mean she gave me some of that, lol one thing she said is that she would initiate/engage with me in sex to avoid TALKING TO ME about intimate topics...uhh so that fucking sucked for me because I've been trying for a while to engage her in those kind of discussions more frequently and knowing that somehow the behavior she demonstrated is, to her, considered a better option than using words/openness/vulnerability ("talking about this makes me uncomfortable") to steer away from uncomfortable topics really makes me feel sad. That's a tangent unrelated to your question.
Uhh but yeah my answer is: more sharing, about the emotional and situational drives behind the behavior and their relation to each other, because I still feel like I don't have a very good understanding of why she's been doing it. Although I feel like I have a lot of the pieces but just missing some details.
Also I totally forgot to mention this but I would have REALLY liked to talk about what she DOES enjoy. This is probably my biggest frustration with how things got left between us.
Hopefully this answers your question - it was actually really helpful for me to think about and reminds me to make it a priority to talk about the last thing I mentioned so thanks user(ette). I imagine you're going to have a similar discussion soon or what's up?
I mean she just fuckin hardcore does the kegel squeeze thing to me when shes "cumming"..it feels different than when I've been with other girls and had simultaneous orgasms but I've just chocked (chalked?) it up to individual differences.
I mean yeah it's fucking obvious now that I've really examined the situation and thought about it but idk, previously when I was thinking about it, it would just feel wrong to question her over something that I feel is natural, like making fun of someone's laugh or "do you really laugh like that?" Like fuck yeah I do you cunt
Thanks a lot for this insightful answer.
Wow, this must be really tough on you. I also find her extremely brave to be honest about how she feels. She must‘ve known that this will hurt you, but not telling you will hurt both of you even more...
how have you left off with each other? Have you talked to her since then?
do you think it will be difficult for you to sleep with her again?
Maybe she doesn‘t know what she does like, herself. It sounds like she has a difficult relationship with her sexuality. Maybe you need to find out what works for her together?
Yeah, i should tell my husband. But i am scared to death because i know how hurt he will be. I love him. I WANT to enjoy sleeping with him. I don‘t know how i ended up in this situation...
Actually, your thread gave me hope that he won‘t just tell me to go fuck myself for playing him so badly but might try to understand. So thanks for that.
Oh dear... i‘m very sorry.
It is tough but really only due to how I perceive the lack of openness I guess - sex is important to me but emotional bonding far far outweighs that, really sex is only important to me because I feel like it is partially about bonding/coming together. That and I just feel totally inadequate and that really hurts, feeling like I'm not capable of providing for her desires sort of thing. But on the flipside I am kind of flattered that she puts up with me being shitty in bed because she cares about me.
We stayed up until about 4:30 last night talking about this and other things and then this morning she had to go to work, and I've just left town and will be back in a month. So I think our next discussion about it will be then. We've texted some today, I kind of just tried to reaffirm my feelings to her and she reciprocated.
Sleeping with her again...I think a big challenge for me will be dealing with the feeling of inadequacy but having better sex is something I really want to work towards and I think with good communication we can do that...I'm just worried that she will give up. I feel like I'm just totally killing the mood when I ask her if she likes something or to show me how to do something for her so I think that might be a difficult thing to manage in the moment.
Mm I feel like she generally knows what she likes, we've talked about that before although thinking on it I haven't always practiced what she's shared which I feel oh so guilty about now. I would love to find more things she likes and explore new things together. I think that answers things
I mean from my perspective I would encourage you to tell him...I think that if he loves you he will be really excited to do what he can to make you feel good, yknow? I think that's part of a loving relationship is wanting to do what you can to make your partner happy. I mean I imagine you fake/exaggerate/whatever because you want him to feel good and that is likely going to be reciprocated by him
But no I don't think it will be difficult for me to sleep with her again. I am very very wildly attracted to her and she knows how to turn me on really well. She makes me feel cared for. I think the difficulty will be making it better for her and overcoming how embarassed Im going to feel next time
Hey guys thanks for participating in my thread. This was really really cathartic and helpful for me. So thank you.
Last bump
she just wants to please you why dont you learn how to make her cum better instead of sperging out you insufferable idiot
Damn, this thread was a rare non-garbage fire
Glad to be a part of it.