Okay so here's something I need some perspective on.
I'm married, let's call my wife W. >We argue almost everyday >We aren't sleeping together >We have a dog and a lease together >I'm in the military with 2 years left and I work swing shift.
Now let's call an old friend G, and she's recently taken interest in me again.
Now, my wife and I aren't very happy at the moment. We argue over things that normal couples argue over, and it never gets loud or physical, but it does take a toll on our relationship. I think my wife is immature and childish, and that I have to handle all the responsibilities. She enjoys shopping and being a consumer and I cannot express how much I hate spending my off time at malls or stores or "shopping". I am not against nice things, I just shop online and only when I need something. So me and W don't get along, don't see eye to eye on anything and don't enjoy our marriage. Divorce has been brought up more than once while arguing and while calm. The state we live in requires us to live apart from each other for an entire year before a no-fault divorce can be filed. The marriage feels wrong, broken and it feels like W is just the wrong person to spend the rest of my life with.
So G, starts to talk to me on fb video, she lives in another state, going to college. she loves the outdoors and is basically the opposite of my wife. She likes me and I like her, we have some history together from a previous time. And we're talking to each other a lot. We have exchanged how we love each other as we did before years prior.
G feels like the right person to spend my life with, and i'm comfortable embracing the fact that I might not run to the state where she lives in 2 years and everything will be perfect, however I do know that my current wife just isn't a right fit. I know in my heart, my head, and my gut that I need to find someone like G. I'll go crazy with my wife.
So, I have limited options being in the military, divorce is a little complicated looking. And I can't reason with my wife, on anything practically. And, I'm falling for someone OR the idea of someone who has the personality, hobbies, ideas, and drive that I do. It feels like I'm trapped with the wrong person. I don't want to feel trapped.
So if anyone reads this, what are your thoughts?
Nolan Green
>OR the idea of someone who has the personality, hobbies, ideas, and drive that I do. I'm glad that you are aware of this possibility. I strongly advise you to be very careful moving forward with this woman. Even if you are truly in love with her and not the idea, she might just be in love with the idea of you.
You need to have a serious sit down with W and either both agree to make a serious commitment to save your marriage (which would of course necessitate breaking off contact with G) or decide how you two are going to move forward with dissolving it. Sitting on your hands is a course that you will greatly regret down the line.
Hunter Butler
I appreciate the response. The serious commitment to save our marriage usually lasts for a few days, I work weekends so it's usually fri,sat, and sun that our relationship is fine because she does her own thing during the day while I sleep. I cannot change another person, however I do think compromise is achievable but not with her in the long run, it just doesn't last.
Divorce seems like the option to me, with or without the idea of another women, or G. I think I would just enjoy life more without my wife.
Julian Cox
>however I do think compromise is achievable but not with her in the long run, it just doesn't last. If you don't think you can salvage it then you owe it to both of you to bring it to an end as quickly (but compassionately) as possible. Good luck.
Blake Hill
Thank you
Isaac Morgan
Np I would again urge you to be catious with G. Maybe don't go jumping into anything until your divorce is finalized.
Julian Rodriguez
Have you considered marriage counseling? My husband and i have promised each other before the wedding that neither of us will break the relationship off before we‘ve been to therapy and have both given our best effort to fix what can be fixed. I think you owe it to each other to atleast try everything you can before walking away. And in my opinion, you definitely still have a lot of options when you haven‘t been to counseling yet.
I mean, at some point you were very sure that THIS is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and possibly have a family. What changed? In my experience, it‘s mostly everyday resentment that builds up and slowly kills the love, sex life and tenderness. Could that be the case with you and your wife?
Nathaniel Jones
We've considered it, but I do think it is everyday resentment
Xavier Davis
I won't be touching or meeting with g ever I think. Our time has passed, but talking with her and thinking of this on my own has brought me to see that I'm unhappy.
Caleb White
Then counseling might very well change a lot. What‘s keeping you from giving it a try?
As i see it, the hardest part about making a relationship last is not necessarily getting trough the big things but not become estranged by that resentment from unresolved „small“ things. If something is bothering you, you should talk it out, no matter how silly, unimportant or tiny it seems to you or her. Picture every time you hurt each other (mostly provably unintentionally and without being aware) it‘s another brick to the wall that‘s slowly growing between the two of you. You can knock it down by talking about the damn bricks. The issue with those things is that at some point they have summarized and feel like doom hanging above your head. Then her forgetting to wear her ring and placing her phone on the table with the screen down suddenly appear like solid evidence that she‘s cheating, that she never loved you, that she is about to leave you for some guy she‘s fucking bwhind your back, yadda yadda. You start to get angry, hurt, frustrated and distance yourself in order to „brace yourself“ for the sepparation you‘re anticipating. This will make her wonder why tf youmre so cold and irritable lately and so on. It‘s a vicious cycle and it‘s the best for everyone if you prevent it asap by adressing small things right away.
Brody Reyes
we have discussed the small silly things, on both sides we have agreed to fix them, she just hangs on to the solution for a day and then drops it
Liam Gonzalez
Then there‘s something more fundamental going on. Can you give me an example of something you‘ve discussed but she has done again?
Evan Taylor
We have discussed a cap for fun spending a month, after bills are paid, and 10% is saved, she believes that she can spend her money to a zero balance. At the end of her bills and savings she has X left a month for free spending, I capped her at about X a month for things like entertainment and shopping or eating out, as I'm trying to build her into saving more for a "rainy day fund" or a flat tire or a fender bender, or something like that. She believes that she should be able to spend her checking balance to zero. I just can't agree to that. It's not safe. We're not wealthy enough.
Ethan Rogers
Well, it‘s her pocket money and honestly it‘s none of your business what she‘s doing with it. It‘s her problem if she suddenly wants to buy something more expensive but then has to first save up for it for half a year.
How do you spend your pocket money?
Cooper Russell
the problem arises when she has things happen and I have to spend my pocket money to bail her out. the fender bender example has happened before, and she hasnt been able to pay her car loan twice, and my pocket money was used.
Justin Powell
Ok, that‘s different. That‘s not ok. What‘s her stance on it?
Adrian Adams
Former Airman here. If you’re Active Duty there is literally a mental health clinic you can go to for free that will give you all the perspective you need. Why not do that?
Also, is she a civilian? Did you get married prior to enlistment? I’ve heard horror stories of AD who get cuddled up with chicks that just want to blow their money.
Jace Mitchell
She's civ, we were married before i went AD, i've heard the stories. usmc here. I didnt know we had the clinic
Tyler Lee
She doesn't ignore the fact that I paid for her negligence but she doesn't acknowledge that there needs to be a change. The argument over it is a little more drawn out, but that's the gist of it.
Charles Ross
she also has her own full time job in her degree field. As I said before we're not poor, but we're not overly wealthy, we don't plan on having children, like at all, that is the one thing we agree on.
Jason Evans
I see. I’m certain every branch has an MH clinic of their own, so just ask your leadership about what mental health or marriage counciling resources there are and they will be able to point you in the right direction. The military (or at least the cushy Air Force) has a thorough understanding of how personal life can impact your quality of work and they want to make sure you’re all right in the head to be as productive as possible. It a pretty good system they have in place, honestly.
Alternatively you can get a referral from your Doctor to an off site therapist if you don’t have one in your own branch. But trust me there are better resources out there than this board.
Oliver Garcia
I'll be making an appointment, thanks
Connor Ramirez
Don’t tell the wife anything, speak to a lawyer ASAP. Tell him you are thinking of getting a divorce and he’ll do his best to make sure she doesn’t leave you broke and homeless, lol. Forget about G at the moment, just show interest in her. But focus on your finances and getting the best outcome in the divorce. She doesn’t sound like someone I would marry either.
Dylan Bailey
here again. is also sound advice and I would suggest doing so asap. Protect your roof and livelihood op. You might be active duty but she's also a woman and might take half your shit or more and leave you looking dumb when or if things go south. Take care of yourself and then your relationship, and let her take care of herself.
