How do you break up with someone because they got too fat without telling them the reason is because they got too fat?

>She’s 280lbs
And how did this happen? You had to have noticed it happening

You want to not look like a shallow sex driven person while still being a shallow sex driven person. Just own it man. You already want to end it.

She has binge eating disorder.

And you're implying that I can stop her from eating. Relationships aren't about controlling the other person. I brought up her weight gain and that's all you can do.

Who the fuck are you to imply I don't love her. I love her very much.

Part of the reason I don't want to tell her the real reason is because of what this user said

On some level I know if she knows the real reason, she'll become everything I ever wanted out of spite and FUCK that

I'm a shallow sex driven person for not wanting to be intimate with someone who crushes me during sex, can barely feel it if I'm on top due to excess fat, and stinks to the point of wanting to make me gag

Okay, faggot

She sounds like my wife. Dump her and dump her fast. Don't get cornered into a shit sexless marriage because you didn't get away from her polluted garbage dump of a vagina.

>Who the fuck are you to imply I don't love her. I love her very much.
Well you're not being honest with her and you're breaking up. Rather clear signs you don't love her.

You're a fucking retard

I'm not the one lying to someone I "love"

You‘re aware that this is a DISORDER, not something she can just „try harder“? Would you leave someone because „for the last year you‘ve told them to get rid of their cancer“?
And yes, she might lose weight. But that will just be the next step in her ed history.
Instead you could try to help her get help for her disorder and support her in getting trough this and back to a sane relationship with food.

I've expressed to her before that her weight is a massive concern to me. I'm not lying about shit.

And truth be told when I do break up with her, I've decided I will probably cite her weight as one of the reasons.

P.S. Ever heard of lying to someone to spare their feelings?

I have tried, we've been to counselors and tried going to the gym together, saw a nutritionist and got her a meal plan. However, SHE does not follow through with it and it has been over a year of me supporting her.

You sound pretty angry over this. How long have you been harboring these feels OP?

>Ever heard of lying to someone to spare their feelings?
That's always for your own feelings. If you really care about someone you owe them the truth.

We've been together for 2 years and 3 months, and her weight has been an issue for me for over a year and a half. And of course I'm angry, I have some fucking moron telling me I don't love my girlfriend even though he has no idea what it's like to be with someone this overweight and unhealthy despite my continual efforts to support her.

Part of the reason of not wanting to tell her that I'm leaving her because of her weight is selfish, sure. But the MAIN reason is to spare her feelings. As someone with an eating disorder, I know if I told her that her disorder was the main reason for the break up it would absolutely DESTROY her, and because I love her I do not want that.

You're a fucking moron if you think me telling her that her eating disorder is the reason for the break up, because of "muh truth" is better than sparing her the soul crushing feeling of not being good enough because of something out of her control, you're an absolute moron plain and simple. You lack basic empathy. You're the robotic, "logical" type that no one likes to be around. Go fuck yourself.

>As someone with an eating disorder, I know if I told her that her disorder was the main reason for the break up it would absolutely DESTROY her, and because I love her I do not want that.

I phrased this poorly. I do not have an eating disorder, but I know that because she does, if I cited it as the reason for the break up she would be eternally devastated and wounded for the rest of her life, EVEN IF it's a catalyst for her to work on it.

Yeah, see, that‘s the issue.
I‘ve been struggling with eating disorders (from anorexia, to bulimia, binge eating and orthorexia) for the last 20 years.
I‘ve also done all of those things. This is not how you recover and get back into a healthy relationship with food/exercise/your body. Sadly, the „professional“ approach to this is not helpful at all. There‘s a reason why patients wirh eating disorders are disliked by therapists. They are often „treatment resistant“ and always bounce back.
My mom works in a psych ward for kids and the only requirement they have for anorexic kids to be considered „cured“ is that they‘ve reached a bmi again that‘s no longer considered underweight. They achieve that with force feeding/rigid meal plans and taking away/giving privilegs like being allowed to go outside or watch tv when they ate their daily yota. A lot of those kids just eat and gain the weight so they can go home again and go back to starving themselves. The point is, they have absolutely no fuckong clue how to handle and actually HELP people with ed‘s.

Not long ago i finally found a way out of the hell of my disordered eating. If you‘re up for it, i can explain it to you.

>That's always for your own feelings.

Really? So then all these women who get upset that their husbands comment on their miniscule weight gain of 20 lbs after having a baby are wrong then? All those men are completely in the right for telling their wives the truth about how they feel?

You're a fucking idiot and it's painfully obvious you've never been in a relationship with someone, so you really need to get the fuck out of my thread.

No clue. Currently trying to get mt girlfriend ti break up with me because she's lazy AF.

No surprise she's taking fucking forever.

You could also - gasp - break up yourself.
Sounds like you‘re not only just as lazy as her but also a pussy.

So then lie to her and get out. What are you bothering Jow Forums for?

Not long ago i finally found a way out of the hell of my disordered eating. If you‘re up for it, i can explain it to you.

Yes please, I'm absolutely desperate.

Also, one more point to the idiotic truth-at-all-costs man: Suppose I did tell her the truth and we break up and she works on being healthy out of spite? Is that better than having me break up for what she thinks are different reasons then becoming healthy on her own FOR HERSELF? Didn't think so.

And lastly, the reason you triggered me so much: Telling me I don't love her. Again, let's use logic and truth because you seem to LOVE that. How can you imply I don't love her simply on the basis that I want to spare her feelings in the break up with a lie of omission? Logically, the only thing you can deduce from that is that I am a coward, and not that I don't love her. If I didn't love her, I would have no qualms about telling her the truth because it would mean I don't care about her feelings afterwards. So once again, you're a fucking idiot.

As someone who has had an eating disorder in the past, I can promise you that lying to her won't make her believe you, just not trust her own perception and doubt herself more. You owe it to your partner when splitting to give them the real reasons for why. Otherwise they'll torture themselves for a long time wondering what they did wrong and it'll feed into their own perceived paranoia and flaws. People with problems will assume the worst. She may come to the conclusion that she's ugly and unlovable, or that she wasn't good enough in bed, or that, worst of all, she simply wasn't good enough for you. If you love this girl OP, you tell her the truth so she CAN improve herself for the next partner. That's what a productive breakup is.

Okay, thank you for the thoughtful response. My next question then is this? The two main reasons for the break up in truth: Her eating disorder, AS WELL as the fact that she wants kids. I thought I did, but I have realized that I do not.

Would it be better to only cite the incompatibility of not wanting kids in the break up, or also include the weight thing?

Are you overweight?

I'm 6'0" and 180 lbs., so no I don't believe so

Those are two major points of contention. I'd lay out all of my cards and end it soon. If you aren't attractive to her and don't see a similar future goal together you are wasting both her and your time.

I have to warn you, you‘ll think i‘m crazy and everyone itt will want to behead me, but it‘s the only way out.

The details are more complex obviously, but the essence is that she NEEDS to stop dieting at all.
I‘ll explain to you why, but for you to understand, you need to tell me one thing you‘ve tried to cut down/out before (smoking, alc, playing vidya, masturbating,etc).

>If you aren't attractive to her and don't see a similar future goal together you are wasting both her and your time.

That's why I'm ending things. But I just don't know whether to include the weight thing or not, it seems like an unnecessary evil given that the relationship ought to end based solely on the kids incompatibility by itself?

But it's like this person said, and to some degree Mr. Truth man, do I owe it to her to hurt her deeply by including the fact that I do not find her attractive anymore?

You include everything. "I have tried to support you but I no longer can keep doing it. I feel that your eating disorder is doing [X], and I have decided that I can no longer stay. I also feel we are not compatible about children. I do not want children and you do, and I believe it would be the right decision to not keep going."

Focus on your I statements. Be very sparing with "you make me" statements, they're argumentative and accusatory.

Perhaps you could explain that you've come to the conclusion that you're no longer compatible as you don't want the same things in life.

If she starts to talk about how you've changed your mind about children despite wanting them just a few months ago, you could explain to her that you understand the difficulties she is going through with her eating disorder and also appreciate it is going to take a while to overcome, so you feel no urge to bring children into that kind of a lifestyle.

This way, you're making her aware that it's her lifestyle choice (I say choice, as she's receiving medical help but not committing to it) but not specifically saying it's because she's fat.

If she really does want a family, perhaps this might help her to improve her lifestyle and attitude towards food. You absolutely cannot raise a child while you have an aggressive and active eating disorder, let alone carry a healthy baby to term.

I think you need to set yourself a date and have the conversation. There is absolutely no easy way to deliver this news and even if you magically managed to find an alternative reason for ending the relationship, she will definitely know the real reason.

She's nearly 300lbs for fucks sake. I'm pretty sure she's completely aware that you no longer find her attractive.

>but the essence is that she NEEDS to stop dieting at all.

We know this, diets are a sham and we know the only way is to have a complete lifestyle change and change your relationship with food. She has a "meal plan" from her nutritionist but that's not so much a diet as it is similar to a sleep schedule. It simply outlines the times and meals she should have up to a certain amount of calories per day. Are you saying that is bad too?

>you need to tell me one thing you‘ve tried to cut down/out before

I've tried quitting smoking before to no avail

How about this: omit the weight thing but do not lie to her if she asks if that was part of it. That way you can spare her feelings and be honest as a last resort. But don't double back if she swears she'll change. She wont. Not for you or any one. She has a sick ness and I'm sure food is more than just food to her.

bih u 2 thic for me to handle

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>Are you saying that is bad too?
not that user but yes actually, eating disorders thrive on thinking about food. if you stop thinking about what you eat or ate or need to not eat, the guilt is lessened and the destructive behaviors that come from that guilt are lessened. how I stopped my eating disorder

Thank you, I believe I will take this comment to heart and phrase the break up based on this response.

Thank you very much, also a fantastic response and I will use this to phrase the break up as well.

You're right, food is so much more than just food to her. But after some consideration I believe I do have to tell her that her eating disorder is contributing to my decision to end things, but in the nicest way possible.

>if you stop thinking about what you eat or ate or need to not eat, the guilt is lessened and the destructive behaviors that come from that guilt are lessened. how I stopped my eating disorder

That's not very specific and it seems like you yourself don't know why you truly stopped. What I mean is, for someone with an eating disorder it is simply impossible to just "stop thinking about food" because that's the whole point. There must have been some catalyst for you that helped you to stop thinking about it.

God speed user. I hope she finds the help and support she needs to get healthy and that you find a path in your life right for you.

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Alright, how did that „trying to quit smoking“ go down?
There‘s a psychological concept that makes things that seem out of reach or forbidden very attractive. As long as you didn‘t mind smoking, you just smoked and it was alright. Then one day you decided to quit. „This is the last one“. Tell me, how many „last ones“ have you smoked?
That‘s because once you fear that something you enjoy isn’t available anymore for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, it becomes insanely tempting.
That is exactly what happens with any restriction with eating patternd/food choices. Ofc there are people who can stick to a regime, eat healthy, lose weight. But the price you pay is huge. It takes an extreme toll on your mental health, and your mental halth is just as important as your physical health. One is nothing without the other. Most people also only manage to keep that regime up for, at best, maybe 5 years. The smpercentage of people who can keep their goal weight for more than 5 years is extremely low. I believe it‘s about 2%.

So when her doc tells her to eat 20 grams of oats and 50ml of low fat milk with half an apple and a cup of unsweetened tea for breakfast at 7:30, then i can GUARANTEE you that she‘ll feel hungry af and will crave nothing more than some sugary cereals. Simply because she feels like „more“ and „something sugary“ is not something she can ever have again.

Not that user, but the only way to achieve that is by realizing how resteicting yourself is actually sabotaging everythign and then gradually and consciously let go of it. It‘s a process. It takes time and effort but it‘s do able and contrary to any diet it‘s something you actually can and will do for the rest of your life.

That's insightful, you even mentioned sugary cereals which is what she started binging on at first.

So what is the solution?

How does one achieve this process of gradually letting go of it? Or even how does one start this process?

What do I tell her to help her?

Sorry, was afk.

The solution is to not restrict anything. I know that sounds scary af because it makes one fear that the lack of controlle will lead to eating non stop and extremely unhealthy. This is actually what will happen. But it‘s only a short „oh fuck yes, i can finally eat as much as i want from all the stuff i‘ve sworn to never eat again“ phase. That also holds true if she has still eaten those things but eaten them with guilt.
I got to this point in february and that phase lastes till may. I guess i could have shortened it if i knew how when i started. But then i didn’t know what i know now.
To get to a more calm and sane relatio ship with food again, she will need to know, very very securely, that whatever she‘s craving, she can have. And as much as she wants. Whenever she needs it. Once this security is in place again, the temptation of the forbidden will vanish. That‘s how people who can eat „however they want“ and stay skinny, do it. They were lucky enough to never feel like they need to restirct their food, so food never was something you’re deprived off and nothing was „off charts“.

That‘s in VERY brief terms, the mental way diets fuck people over.
There‘s also a physical aspect that is extremely powerfull.
The body doesn‘t know what a diet is. All it knows is that if it‘s hungry and it can‘t eat till it isn‘t hungry anymore, there‘s likely a famine. So it slows down your whole metabolism and goes into „starvation mode“. Basically trying to keep you alive for as long as possible with using as little energy as possible. It slows down everything that‘s not directly nevessary for survival. That‘s, for example, why girls who have been severely anorexic become infertile or develope lanugo hair (long, thin hairs all over their body to help keep the body warm so it needs less energy to keep body temp constant and also to try and replace the lack of fat insulation. Pic related).

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Babies born too soon also have lanugo hair to help them survive without the protecting fat layers than only builds up in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

What the body also does is alarm the whole system. It will try EVERYTHING to get you to eat or find food. There‘s a lot of hormones at work. After about 3 days, it „gives up“ and instead stops making you feel hungry. The body thinks there‘s a legit famine, so it decided that torturing you with constant extreme hunger is unnecessary. That‘s why, when you fast, after about 3 days, you suddenly stop feeling extreme hunger.
Most people don‘t fast completely, but when you‘re on a diet and you‘re constantly eating less than you need, your body is always in that „first 3 days of no food, GET YOUR ASS UP AND FIND SOMETHING TO EAT“ mode. That‘s why so many people manage to stick to their plan all day or even week just fine and them they binge on the evening/weekend. It only takes a stressfull day and you don‘t have enough energy anymore to withstand your survival instincts with sheer willpower.

Those are the physical aspects of diets and food restriction. Overexercising has the same effect, as long as you don‘t compensate thw calories burned.

I also need to add that when people think of eating disorders, they usually think of girls who are so anorexic they need to be hospitalized and artificially fed. That‘s only the tip of the iceberg. Most of those have an up and down history of being overweight/underweight. Oberweight people are affected (mentally and physically) just as much as very thin people with ed. It sounds like your gf is suffering a lot and is desperate, not understanding why her body has turned against her and urges her to eat more than she needs (that‘s another physical aspect. The body thinks it‘s being especially intelligent after having experienced a diet aka famine. It decides to now urge you to eat more, to have some reserve for when the next famine arrives), craves all the stuff she‘s not supposed to eat and so on. If you‘d help her get out of this neverending rollercoaster from hell you‘ll give her back something that money can never buy: her peace of mind. Just imagine how much energy she would suddenly be able to use for „more important and interesting“ things if she hasn‘t have to think about her meal plan for the day, count calories, feel guilty, etc anymore...

One more very important thing. For the sake of getting out of this, your gf NEEDS to stop trying to lose weight. As long as her goal is to lose weight, she‘ll restrict herself (sometimes only slightly and even unconsciously, but it‘s already too much) and will never get out of this.

How is this a question? You just lie.

"It's me, not you."
"I feel like we've drifted apart."
"I have to deal with things on my own before I can be with someone else."
"The sex is amazing, but I don't feel like we're connecting on an emotional level."

It's not difficult.

FPBP. Cannot stress this enough, if you say that you love her then have an honest talk about her issues and say that it is damaging to your physical relationship. Explain as kindly as you can that she has to choose you or food, then the decision is out of your hands. This is the only way to continue.

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