My crush is highly critical of others. He is always shit-talking his classmates (he's in graduate school getting his MA), professors, coworkers, parents, siblings, other friends, ex-girlfriends, rivals (especially his academic rivals), you get the idea. I was told this by a wise woman in my life: if he is cold and cruel to others, he will be cold and cruel to you; if he is constantly insulting and putting down others, he will no doubt treat you that way as well.
My crush hasn't exactly hurt me, but he has implicitly insulted me. For instance, one time when we were out with mutual friends he kept going on about something I feel strongly about and why anyone who holds the position I do is stupid (he knows I hold this position BTW). He also made a remark about my appearance once which I found a bit negative. Generally speaking though, he is very kind to me and is always eager to see me and hang out when he's not in school or at work. The thing about him is, he is pretty much the stereotypical "tortured soul": bipolar, very creative, very intellectual, attempted suicide 10 years ago, has been on and off medication, has all sorts of issues with his parents, etc. Sometimes I wonder if he has narcissistic traits (most people in the ivory tower do), but he doesn't really fit the profile of a narcissist in that he isn't all that self-centered, nor does he make huge demands of others.
So, given everything, should I continue to pursue him?
Using a pic of XXXTentacion, because he seemed to exemplify the image of the abusive emo guy.
TL;DR - he's troubled, definitely has warning signs, but is overall good to *me*. Keep or dump?
Parker Wright
It sounds like he's never had anyone to vent his frustrations to in years, and he's using you to vent. That's kind of adorable in its own way, especially since you mention he gladly and eagerly makes time for you. All that said, you should sit him down and ask him if that remark he made with mutual friends was intently directly at you. I don't know what he said about your physical appearance, so perhaps you'll want to talk about that, too.
Tyler Stewart
Good to know you don't see too many red flags here.
I should also mention that the woman who told me to be aware of him and his behavior was married to a guy whom she said was very similar. This guy was essentially an abusive sex addict, like he was married a few times before her, never paid his kids from either of his ex-wives any attention, married her when she was 22 and he was 36, cheated on her soon after they married, complained all the time about others and after they were married started insulting her left and right, all that crap. But - and here's the big "but" - all throughout their marriage he insisted to her that he would change his behavior *for her*. He never did of course, but she kept thinking he was sincere. Oh, and this fucker was also a university professor with a humanities PhD.
Nathaniel Watson
Well your boyfriend doesn't have ex-children so I think you're safe.
Joseph Butler
That's true.
Adrian Brown
Is he a diagnosed bipolar? Bipolar is a serious mental illness and it gets pathologized by laymen all the time, whenever someone has a mood swing. If you've ever seen a bipolar then you would know they're seriously fucked up during one of their maniac phases.
If he's completing an MA program (presumably he's mid 20s) and he's still acting this way, then I'd be very concerned. Male aggression, as a generality, tends to peter out around 25-26. In other words, his emo angst wouldn't weird at 16, but at 26 it is. The bipolar could explain some of it. Bipolars are obviously high on negative emotion: neuroticism and disagreeableness. Although, to be clear, not all bipolars are grade A assholes. Another possibility is that your boyfriend maybe has some lingering baggage (a chip on his shoulder) from his early life. You said that he's from an ivory tower background. Were his parents abusive/neglectful/domineering? These are all important questions to figure out the puzzle that is your boyfriend. None of us can really give you insight, since only you know him, or you think you do.
My opinion is that you should be ready to leave this relationship and not make long term plans until you figure him out, or he calms down a bit. That wise woman would be correct. Some men are just assholes, and no matter how attractive they are when they're not being assholes, it's not worth putting up with them when they are.
If you're too stupid to make your own decisions and look to a 3D porn forum for advice, you deserve and desire the abuse.
Also, don't go talking to other women about your boyfriend; other women are dumb cunts. Sort of like yourself, but they're not involved in the relationship.
Hunter Taylor
I haven't asked him if he's officially diagnosed, but he's referred to himself as "bipolar" so I'm taking his word for it. He has extreme highs and even more extreme lows. Back in the spring he had an incident where he stayed inside his apartment for five days on end, not physically sick but so depressed he couldn't get out of bed. But after that, he seemed perfectly happy and motivated.
He's 29 if that means anything.
What I meant by ivory tower is, he's well acquainted with the whole academic scene (he's published articles in humanities journals, he's friends with several "big names" in his field, he's been to conferences, that kind of stuff). From what he's told me about his parents, he said his mom is kind of sporadic and weird. If I knew her better I'd probably say she's somewhat bipolar as well.
Yeah, I'm seriously on the fence about what to do with him. I'm getting the impression he wants to be with me, but again, given his behavior I'm not entirely sure. Granted, I really like him back, but I'm not sure I could love him forever if he continues being cold.
David Baker
fuck off. i know this is le epic Jow Forums so youre tryna be hard to fit in, but this is Jow Forums and it exists for advice. go to a different board if youre mad about someone wanting advice. im making big generalizations but i bet youre someone bitter about your own life so now youre being an ass to someone else. control yourself. get better
Samuel Flores
I'm not kidding, I felt like shit when X died too.
Josiah Miller
I'm not joking. Take your life into your own hands.
Either run off with your lesbian gf who talks shit about your bf, stay with your emotionally abusive bf, or break up with him and do your own thing. Maybe you'll even be independent. Probably not, but who knows?
Cooper Collins
OP here. I'm not this person:
Samuel Sanders
Nobody you date is ever going to be perfect. Everyone has flaws. Decide if you can deal with his particular flaws or not.
Jeremiah Rodriguez
It's not just a "flaw", it's a potential red flag. That's why I'm weary.
Ayden Green
I think you should talk to him about the couple of dumb comments he made, but you're reading way too far into them. Occasionally when you're close to someone they will say negative things, and when you get in a relationship you will even occasionally have fights and yell at eachother. This is how humans behave around people close to them: you see them for who they really are, the good and bad.
Carter Powell
that wise woman is a dumb bitch
Blake Long
How is she wrong? Men don't become angels just for their SO.
Easton Sullivan
That women is reaching and projecting her shit husband onto your crush.
Sebastian Morgan
She's noticing common motifs, stuff which occurs in most psychologically abusive guys.
Charles Scott
>if he is cold and cruel to others, he will be cold and cruel to you; if he is constantly insulting and putting down others, he will no doubt treat you that way as well. This is bullshit and sounds like something a thot who can get any guy she wants would say.
Levi Johnson
Why would it be false? A guy who is psychologically abusive or just plain nasty isn't going to magically change for his girl. Chances are, he's going to shit on her too.
Bentley Walker
>Common motives The only thing she's said is basically intuitive (if he treats others like shit for no reason, he'll probably treat you like shit). But it's too early to think this applies to him. Shit-talking your peers isn't great, but it's relatively harmless. He's probably going through a stressful period in his life (getting his MA on top of having to think about job prospects afterwards), so he might do it to vent. As for the other things, maybe he honestly thinks that people who hold that viewpoint are stupid. He's allowed to have that opinion and he doesn't have to sugarcoat it for you, regardless of how strong you feel about it. I'd have to hear what he actually said about your appearance to try and interpret it.
You really need to tell us what was being specifically said, and the frequency at which it is being said. Right now it seems like you're overreacting and just playing armchair psychologist.
Logan Bailey
>He's probably going through a stressful period in his life (getting his MA on top of having to think about job prospects afterwards) This is definitely a factor, but keep in mind he has a history of depression and says he's bipolar.
Constantly shit-talking is a sign of sketchy character. If he can discard people like that left and right he may very well do the same for me, no? That's my fear and why I'm reluctant to get too close to him.
Austin Perez
He belittled you over something you felt strongly about which means he doesn't respect you >bipolar, attempted suicide suicide 10 years ago, has been on and off medication, has all sorts of issues with his parents How many more red flags do you need? You can't change him and you can probably do much better
Easton Ortiz
I mean, he is nice to me, which is what keeps me coming back to him. I honestly can't tell if he's being honest or not.
Evan Ross
Dump. He will wear you down until the relationship feels like a whirlpool of misery and doubt.
Elijah Walker
>For instance, one time when we were out with mutual friends he kept going on about something I feel strongly about and why anyone who holds the position I do is stupid (he knows I hold this position BTW) This isn't being nice to you If you can do better than this guy then you shouldn't be with him If you can't do better than this guy then you should work on yourself to attract someone greater and you still shouldn't be with him
Dylan Russell
Thanks for this.
Juan Cruz
It's not. I know people with issues like OP's crush. Sooner or later he will turn on her.
Elijah Phillips
Any decent boyfriend is supposed to be default-nice to their girlfriend. You can find someone else who is nice AND not come with a ton of psychological issues (although that's getting harder and harder to find nowadays). That's the problem with staying with a SO with issues. One person thinks "oh they do [normal thing] for me!" and act like it's special when it's not. Your SO is supposed to be nice and make you feel good, and just because he does this basic thing, doesn't mean he necessarily is special. You CAN do better.
Are you able to just talk to him and tell him if there's a way he can try to be less critical about the things you believe in, or just not criticize you as much. But if it's just a few comments here and there and it's not really bothering you, then why dump him? It all really depends on how much you want to put up with, however.
For example, if I were in your position, I'd probably leave him only because I have enough shit wrong with me and I can't have 2 depressed psychos together. I believe in balance. Each person has a role to play to support the other. It can't be one-sided no matter how many excuses they give. I also dated a guy who was very judgmental and critical of others. I could NOT watch anything with him because he'd talk so much shit that it would make the thing we saw impossible to enjoy. He also would be nice to people to their face then complain about them behind their backs, but that's most people nowadays. However, up until the end of our relationship, he was kind to me. He still made some off-handed comments here and there but that's not what ended our relationship.
Just ask yourself if what you're putting up with now is something you can put up with a year from now. Would you get sick of it? Do you think he'd change if it became an issue?
James Roberts
>Talks shit about others He sounds insecure >Emo He sounds like a social outcast who seeked out a social alternative because he couldn't fit in, which might explain why he shit talks everyone.
Cameron Roberts
>suicide suicide
Nathaniel Gutierrez
Once you get married, he will view and treat you like family, not a girlfriend. That is when the real abusiveness will begin.
