sorry lads, this is gonna be kind of long. Will put the second part in a comment.
> be me, 20 year old virgin without ever having real gf (id rate myself somewhere around 7/10, but i am too shy to put myself out there) > reconnect with 8.5/10 girl i knew from high school during the summer > spend the entire summer being available and doing nice things for the girl in hopes that she would want something more than friendship > she never wants something more > I accept it and continue being just a friend > spend entire summer driving her around, essentially being a free uber for her, whenever she wants. > 4 AM? no problem. > also spend entire summer buying her things like food, tickets for events, etc. > I did some of the math, and I've spent about $1700 on her > I never expect anything in return for all my kindness, just to have her appreciate it > everything is ok for the most part > one day she makes me wait 3 hours in my car for her to get ready, then comes down and cancels our plans to go eat and she go hangs out with other friends at party > I feel sad and worthless when I find out, and I feel like I mean so little to her when she means everything to me > i get upset and cut myself and stop talking to her for a few days > i talk to her after a few days, and try to explain how I felt unappreciated and used by her > she tries to spin the blame on me, saying how my personality isn't good, how I hold no substance with her, how I need to grow as a person, etc. > again I feel sad and worthless, and feel like all the things I've been doing for her were for nothing if she doesn't even appreciate me as a friend > she tells me she wants to talk to me in person > i say ok
> i go to meet, and it starts with her telling me her "side" which was that she isnt using me, because I can say no to anything I don't want to do > she tells me again the things wrong with my personality, how I never express my true feelings and just hide them, even from her > then she notices my cuts > apeshit.exe > starts to scream at me saying how that was the stupidest thing ive done, how my life is fine and I am ungrateful for it > she tells me that we have a toxic friendship and that we dont bring each other happiness > she tells me that we cant be friends for now > i bought her tickets for a Drake concert which is on my bday > i ask if we can at least go to that > she says she wants to but no > i went to see her today and while I was in tears, I gave her the tickets (which were $650) and told her that I bought them for her in the first place, and I said that if she really doesn't want to try and work our friendship out, or to give me another chance, then to go with another friend to the concert. > she says "thanks", hugs me, and takes them.. > and that was about it.
and now here I am. I want to move on from this person that clearly doesn't appreciate me, but I can't help but feel as if this is my fault, and I want them to forgive me, and I want to be friends again. I have been feeling super low these past few days, and I'm just looking for any help on how to improve this situation. thanks.
Jacob Peterson
>spend the entire summer being available and doing nice things for the girl in hopes that she would want something more than friendship >[...] >I never expect anything in return for all my kindness, just to have her appreciate it
You're an idiot and this has been an expensive lesson but you should try to actually take it on board rather than looking for her forgiveness. She's a cunt, no doubt about it, but she's right in that you could have said no at any time, you were just too hopeful that she'd want your dick to actually do it. Move on. There is nothing you can do to improve the situation when you're feeling hurt except to endure it until it passes.
Also stop cutting yourself. That's weak as shit. As a man in the modern world you should have enough inner fortitude to deal with your emotions without resorting to attention seeking self-harm. Tell a different friend about your woes, or post about them online, let the emotions go in a healthier way or you will forever be a beta boy that women treat like shit.
Caleb Thompson
Just block her ass you fool. I hope to christ this is a troll. If you want to be findommed you can get it a lot cheaper online.
Hudson Harris
she already blocked me actually. She says maybe we can be friends in the future, not now. I think I'll take it as a sign that I should just give up on her
Ryder Parker
Quit being a doormat. Should have taken a girl who was actually interested in you to the concert. Cutting yourself is stupid, girl actually had a point on that. Move on. Your relationship is toxic, you are crushing on some girl that doesn't want you and she is taking advantage of you. You aren't friends. I can't emphasize this enough. You are not friends.
Liam Rivera
Yea actually, a few close friends of mine have told me pretty much the same shit lol
You're probably right, thanks I'll keep your words in mind next time I think about this
Evan Walker
Yeah, she realized she was on the road to being the next Michelle Carter, and no benefit you could give her would be worth the suffering she'd receive when you finally killed yourself.
Cooper Ward
Block her ass and forget about her. If you would have spent this summer on women interested in you, you would have been laid a dozen times or be in an actual healthy relationship.
Juan Ward
Yea the more I think about it, the less it feels like what we had was even ever an actual friendship
Thomas Jones
Block her back. You don't want her relenting in two weeks when she wants a new set of headphones, only to destroy all the progress you'll have made.
Joseph Clark
nah I never had any dark thoughts like that. When I hurt myself, it was mostly a heat of the moment kind of thing. like when u get mad while playing a game and punch a wall. this isnt something i ever did before, or plan on doing again
Brayden Reyes
You think she knows that? To people like that, self-harm is as nonsensical as drinking air and breathing water. Someone's that capable of that, in her mind, is probably capable of anything that insane people might do, including suicide.
Dylan Davis
easier said than done, but yeah you're right, its probably what I should do, thanks
Cooper Parker
You're actually completely right, because even though she may seem like a cunt incapable of feeling any compassion, once I left her house she started calling my friends asking for my address, and when they asked why she told them that I might kill myself so i guess I must have really scared her with that shit
Jordan Ortiz
Christ man. You're showing doormat behavior even in this thread. Get a little angry. You don't have to thank people. I'd rather see an OP arguing with people than just doormatting and showing his belly.
Adrian Martinez
Well like I said, she probably saw herself becoming the next Michelle Carter. She saw the harm to HERSELF as a result of you doing something outrageous. Don't give her credit for being a normal human being. Most women aren't like that.
Joshua White
yea sorry im new to Jow Forums LOL
idk this is just the way I am I guess Probably why people take advantage of me a lot. Any advice on saying "no" to people and to not being a bitch all the time?
Jeremiah Gray
>Any advice on saying "no" to people and to not being a bitch all the time? Does something involve money? Does it seem like it'd take more than a few minutes for you to accomplish? Try saying no.
Fuck, my grandpa used to say, the key to maintaining a happy marriage is to say "no" to something once in awhile. Even if you don't mind doing it. Like, completely at random.
Easton Cruz
Trust me if you were able to talk to this girl then you can talk to some who are actually available and would be interested in dating you. The hardest part for you will be when this bitch sees you in a happy relationship and tries to sabotage it by coming back in your life as a "friend"
Lincoln Foster
>rm to yea exactly, this was probably her looking out for herself. A friend of mine told me the same thing. She probably didn't want to deal with the problems of keeping me around, so she figured the best thing to do would be to remove herself from my life, which unfortunately just made things even worse for me. Maybe in the long term it will be better though
William Johnson
now that you mention it, she would tell me stories about how guy friends she was really close with in the past, got into relationships, and then their gf's would not want them to talk to her anymore, even as a friend.
im starting to see why now LOL
Noah Reed
yea i guess that makes sense
Isaac Perez
It's probably because she doesn't know how to maintain proper boundaries with guys. There are a LOT of young women, especially tomboyish women that have few female friends, who are like this.
Lemme tell you something man, when you meet a girl who actually loves you, and actually appreciates a gift you give her, you'll be dumbfounded by all the praise you get for it. I used to do nice shit for a girl when I was in college... nothing outrageous, but it was nice and went beyond what a male friend ought to be doing. I got some thanks, and we talked about it occasionally, I felt good.
Some years later I actually got a girlfriend. I bought her a designer purse (on a good sale but it was name brand, direct from the manufacturer so it wasn't a knock-off). I'd actually discreetly gotten her to tell me what model and color she wanted without her catching on that I was getting it for her. She was surprised, she was amazed, she bragged to all her friends (and told me that she bragged to all her friends). It was a great feeling man.
So... I get the desire to do nice things for someone you care about. It feels good to be appreciated and to see someone else happy. The problem is you ran into both the problem of diminishing returns, and a particularly unappreciative person.
When someone loves you (and likes receiving gifts), a $25 trinket is a big deal.
Easton Robinson
damn, I feel like you really hit the nail on the head here
You get exactly where I'm coming from, and what you said makes total sense. I'll keep this in mind for now if I feel sad about her again, so thank you so much
Maybe once my next semester starts, and I start to forget about her, I'll try to put myself out there in the world a bit more, and try to find someone that does appreciate me like you said
David Morales
For the love of god when you get back out there don't do extravagant or expensive favours for any girls.
A girl who actually likes you won't ask you to constantly go out of your way on her account. If you wouldn't do it for a guy friend then don't do it for a girl you're not dating.
Parker Rivera
>If you wouldn't do it for a guy friend then don't do it for a girl you're not dating. This is an astoundingly good rule of thumb. For OP, though, I would tweak it like this: >If you wouldn't do it for a guy friend then don't do it for a girl you're not dating. If you wouldn't ask a guy friend for that, you wouldn't do it for a guy friend. ... because I suspect his values as to what he might do for guy friends may be twisted due to few guy friends.
Evan Gonzalez
okay I'll try to keep my experiences with this girl in mind the next time I try putting myself out there again. I don't want to end up in this same situation ever again, so I think I'll make sure to say no more, and to be more direct with my intentions. And yea, if I thought of all the things I put up with for this girl, if any of my male friends did that to me, I wouldn't have sat there and taken it the same way, or I wouldn't have even done most of the things in the first place. Like I don't think i'd wait in my car for 3 hours for any of my male friends without getting seriously mad about it that moment lol
Logan Garcia
>When you complain about her driving you around, she basically just insults you >When she sees you cut yourself, she immediately starts scolding you and doesn't try to get you help She sounds really, really toxic. Why the hell would you want to be friends with her?
Blake Johnson
>be more direct with my intentions Watch it with that. When you're talking about dating, being "direct" is asking the girl on a date (including a coffee date), and NOT shit like saying "I want to date you" right at the beginning. That's not how it works and it'll scare off every normal girl.
Angel Miller
Honestly man, I think its my feelings for her that are clouding my vision and making excuses for her behavior. I've never been in a meaningful relationship, so i wanted this to work out so hard, that because she showed just a little interest in me at first, I wanted to do whatever it took to make it work. Now though, I've been hurt by her to the point where I don't think I can keep making these excuses without seriously feeling like an idiot even to myself.
also, whenever we went out and did things, I had a good time with her. Whenever we did normal friend stuff, I liked it, so I guess my mind just kept trying to focus on those few good times, as opposed to the many, many bad times
Kevin Price
No yea of course lol What I meant with that, is that with this girl, I never really asked her out on an official date, so I want to avoid that in the future. Like we hung out and went to concerts, and to each others houses and stuff but I was never like hey I'd like to take you out on a date
At some point i confessed my feelings for her and then she told me that she wasn't in a place where she could be in a relationship at the moment, because she had recently gone through a rough time, since her brother had passed away and she got out of a bad relationship recently
even after knowing that, I still wanted to just be her friend, but then I ended up here
Dominic James
>I never really asked her out on an official date Well, that's also kinda not what you do in real life. The first date is almost invariably the one-on-one coffee date nowadays. It's such a good mechanism in today's dating environment that I don't think I'd ever depart from it, even if the girl sounded like she wanted to do something more intense. It not only provides a low-pressure environment to meet and get to know each other better, but it also ensures that you're not getting in too deep too fast; you may wind up hating the girl after five minutes, which has happened to me more than once on a coffee date. I can't imagine if I'd taken one of those girls to, like, a fancy dinner or a concert for a first date and they turned out to be such duds.
I mean, yes, past that you might use the word "date", but girls KNOW that the coffee date is a date. There's no confusion, there's no misunderstanding it. I know, formulaic shit is prone to breaking because there are always exceptions, but it's a very easy pattern that because of its commonality avoids misunderstanding. Kinda like asking a girl for her number (and actually saying "number" rather than "contact details" or something else). It's used so often for dating purposes that everyone instantly understands what you mean, but it's still not as high pressure as using the word "date".
Gabriel Kelly
ohhhh ok I mean I never really thought there would be much of a difference between saying "hey would you like to go out for some coffee some time? vs "hey I think you're pretty cool and I'd like to get to know you better. Can I take you out on a date for some coffee?"
but yea I see your point. I'll try to be more direct than how I was with this girl, since I think there were a lot of miscommunications between us, but not so direct to the point where it's like I'm programming a computer to do a task
Michael James
Yeah you've got the basic idea. There are some little things to improve on (as with anything) but that comes with experience, and frankly with failing. Failure is one of the best teachers when it comes to dating.
William Gutierrez
I'm sorry but this girl was never yours. There's nothing for you to really move on from
Levi Cox
>This is just the way I am You're living in bad faith
I meant move on in the sense of moving on from wanting to be with her, and to try and live my life without feeling sad and empty without her
Sebastian Davis
yea man i know... big mistake lol I didn't make any super big purchases other than a few concert tickets, but that and all the little things started to add up. And I just wanted to be happy with her, so I didn't care too much about the money in the moment, but now that I'm looking back I can see it wasn't smart at all
Jose Roberts
what do you mean by that
Luis Perez
Remember that your time has value as well, as does the gas and wear and tear on your car.
If you value the rides you gave her in terms of what using Uber/Lyft would've cost her, you provided probably well over $5k to her in value.
I don't say this to be a dick, but to remind you that there are ways that type of woman takes advantage that are easy not to notice.
