Hitting my Partner

pic related, it's op

What are the steps to developing self control after years of specific behaviour pattern conditioning?

try harder? stop relying on others to fix your problems?

I don't know, but my dad always told me to THINK before you ACT and THINK about what you so or do BEFORE you do it. Truly revolutionary I know.

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Not relying, first time asking anyone.

Alright, thanks.

If it would routinely bite me and probably my kids I'd euthanize it or give it away to someone who can handle that desu.
There's therapy for men who hit their spouses so I suppose you should go to theraphy too. Investing a little money and time into eliminating a behaviour that destroys you and people you love is a wise investment. That reminds me of a story an old man told me. He had a friend who's father would come home after work drunk. He'd line up his kids and hit every single one a few times. He did that a lot so it was their routine. When that friend had kids on his own, guess what. He'd come home after work, make them line up and hit everyone a few times. Because that's what a father just does in his mind. So yeah, therapy would be really good for you because if that's your modus operandi with people who are really close you'll leash out on your future kids too which is even worse then leashing out on your boyfriend

Probably worth mentioning I'm forced to take meds to keep me alive that the side effect of is severe depression every once in a while. But alright I'll do that, but I won't have enough money for at least a year. Also I'm not as violent as I used to be either.

you stated the problem, you stated why you do it, you are being lazy and need to try harder. Why not just stop doing it? Hitting anyone is wrong. I think the bigger issue is you haven't worked on the fact that you were abused and moved past it. Its obviously holding you back. It's easy to be a victim but to overcome something like being abused vs doing it to others and encouraging poor choices like that will make you stronger.

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>Can't get into therapy either.
Get into therapy.

Thanks, I suppose. I mean telling someone who's bipolar to just stop being bipolar and "try harder", it isn't going to work. Or telling someone with schizoid pd to magically make their emotions develop and appear out of nowhere.

Yes, I agree hitting is wrong, but how do you move past 20 years of abuse? It's like telling a rape victim to "move past it", which I've worked with several rape victims to recover before and know those words wouldn't fix anything because their brain physically change from trauma.

>why not just stop doing it?
You make it sound as if I don't want to, even though I greatly wish I could accomplish it. Otherwise, why would I be posting here, asking help?

Generally I agree my behaviour is wrong, but changing is easier said than done. And my wrong behaviour is a rare occurrence, and I'm at least working towards not repeating said behaviour anymore, but you can't flick a switch and compeltely rid yourself of it.

>Also I'm not as violent as I used to be either.
That's good to hear. But with all those violence problems, at the given point it just comes out one way or another. When you have kids on your own they'll sometimes be a pain in the ass and drain all your mental reserves. You'll go back to those patterns you've learned as a child. And then it will come out one way or another through maybe shouting, hitting, neglect. Therapy will help you greatly

>can't flick a switch and compeltely rid yourself of it.
Iktf, my father used to lose his temper regularly when I was a child and hit me and my sister. Guess what I've resorted back to when I was in his shoes. Not that I have kids (yet) but I've handled some situations very similar to him. The good news is it's learned behaviour and therapy can help you develop ways of dealing with these situations in other ways. The point is you have to want it

>Would you rid of a dog who bites you once every few months because it comes from an abusive household
If it couldn't ever relax and stop being a dumb bitch, yes I would. I'd see if there was some kind of training or therapy possible for it first, of course, but if all else you failed it would go. you won't even go that far for yourself though, and you claim not to have the wherewithal to notice when you're about to lash out, so in my book you're about ready to go back to the pound.

Thanks for the response, I'll keep it in mind. Helpful.

Thanks for that, I don't have money and it'll take a long time to save up money, but guess I'll go for it once I can.

Why aren't you in therapy?
You don't deserve to be with anyone if you're crossing that boundary. No excuses.

>deserve
lel

forget that shit in real world

Explain why you can't get into therapy.

Not everyone can afford it immediantly especially since I barely have money left after I buy enough food for the month and my meds cost too, which I would not survive without. Eventually I do plan to go to therapy though. But for now I'd rather give the cash to my partner to help with his debt as it is currently more urgent and the main thing seemingly sressing him out, in his own words. So by the end of each month, I have a very small amount left that goes into my savings.

But you are under-valuing how important it is that you get help.

Deserving something means being worthy. Your bf is foolish for tolerating the abuse and is harming your will to improve with such tolerance.

Move mountains to change or be alone, imo

I don't think anger management groups cost any money, maybe something like that?

First of all stop using your family as an excuse, you're an adult and you're responsible of your actions.

Second, you seem to have a problem controlling your emotions. Most of times is not about dealing with anger is about dealing with frustration, anger is the product of your inability to control that feeling. Try to remember some times you acted violently and spot how they started, what was what made you lose control, find the common denominator, there is always a pattern.

Then, when you know what are the situations that lead you into that state and find an effective mechanism that allows you to avoid or confront those specific situations in a civilized way.

I.e. if you realize that a certain topic makes you unstable, everytime you sense that topic is about to come up change the subject or exit the room. This is only a patch, you really need to learn specific techniques that allow you to deal with frustrating situations.

Femanon too and I used to be kinda aggresive towards my first kind of bf
She tolerated me and being more social helped me correct my behaviours by myself
Maybe ask him how he feels about that, that can give you another perspective. And imagine him beating you and being as aggressive as you are, you wouldn't like it. None of you deserve that shit

I don't understand this, do people actually have no control over their actions or is this all just a big ruse to justify their shitty behaviour?
it just feels like people being selfish and justifying bad behaviour in the moment even when they know what they are doing is wrong. Like you're just doing it because it feels good.

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>it feels either neutral or slightly good to be hit or yelled at
oh but then
>None of my emotions fully matured
>depersonalization derealization and was suspected of having schizoid personality disorder
so you recognize that it's bad while at the same time trying to say that it's good?
>you are forcing someone you supposedly love to live the same way
you don't love your boyfriend, you just like hitting him. grow the fuck up and think about someone who isn't you for a second. you are hypocritical trash. typical fucking woman dodging responsibility for your own fucked up actions by blaming someone or something else. you are beyond help until you realize that you are being a selfish cunt. anything you think you feel for your boyfriend is a lie, he could be anybody and it would feel the same for you.

there are a few types like emotional reactions and compulsions. violent compulsions require institutionalization or heavy medication. either op is immature and simply hasn't tried hard enough to change it or needs to be medicated and both can result in murder.

but i think all this "no control" shit is just op trying to justify her actions as something that isn't her fault. i had a similar background to op (20+ years of being beaten every night by family members) and my problem is that i can't connect with other people emotionally (which op has mentioned) but i'm not violent at all because i recognized that i would be forcing someone to experience the same thing that i did and stopped which is how i know that op is just a piece of shit who isn't strong enough to not be a piece of shit.

i kind of hope her bf beats her ass and leaves her. i've been in a lot of abusive relationships (outside of family) and it doesn't feel good unless it is during sex. it's extremely emasculating.

Good point. Also second user you replied to wasn't me, I wouldn't act so jokey on such a topic.

Really? Guess I'll look into those then.

Thanks user, very useful.

True. I'm kinda dumb for not mentioning this in the first place more clearly, but he's a giant guy so he is able to grab me by the both of my arms and squeeze tight. I also never hit him in any vital areas.

>man it was easier for me to control myself because I still had developed empathy
Too bad, my empathy never fully developed and most of my emotions are so numb that real life doesn't feel real sometimes. Also he just grabs me by the arms when I have my fit, he's told me numerous times he can handle it since he has a ton of strength. I never cause actual physical pain since I'm tiny and weak. If I actually had strength to harm then this would be an entire different situation.

Oh I can be caring, I'm not myself however during anger fits, which never really cause any actual harm since he's a giant who can easily stop me with a simple grab by the wrists. I'm too weak to even slightly hurt him since he's full of muscle. If I didn't care about him, I wouldn't ask random people for advice.

Ask him to hit you back. That will make you stop very quickly.

I did. He either grabs me by the wrists and squeezes until he sees it hurts or punches me in the shoulder. Doesn't change anything though because my brain is more than used to pain. It's good I can't cause actual pain/harm since he honestly, in his words, doesn't feel any pain, and can stop me at any time since he's three times bigger than me.

Keep looking for therapists until you find one you can work with, OP. I know it's expensive, but you want your relationships to work, so bite the bullet and keep looking until you're able to work with someone.

this is the excuse you are giving yourself, he is stupid, but one day he is going to lose his patience and hit you, and you will be on the ground very angry and scared

you have 2 options
you stop, stop excuses, get a ball you kick when you are angry
you dont stop and you wait till that day comes and that will be the end of your relationship with him

my friend went with option three and told her wife is she doesnt stop option 2 will happen eventually, since then she stopped trying to hit him

Alright, Thanks

Funny enough, while all I do is a slap or two to his shoulder, I know a girl who strangles, gives blue eyes, and beats up her bf brutally, and tried strangling his cat to death even. And when my bf was talking to them, he said the same thing as you about the guy one day losing his shit, hmm...

Thanks, I suppose. I get what you're saying.

Ask him to pepperspray you then. Even better IMO. Extreme pain and discomfort for an extended period of time without any damage to your health/appearance.
>all I do is a slap or two to his shoulder
That's cute, actually. I wouldn't mind it that much. Unless you're a psycho that gets angry all the time over insignificant shit.
How often do you get angry and hit him?

Once or twice every few months. It used to be more frequent a year ago but I've improved at least.

Oh, and to add, pepper spray is illegal here.