Fuck it

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>*wipes sweat*
>*drinks my cup of water*
le sigh.
had a different dream this time.
in it, i was in a state of being persecuted. it was a persecution dream. a real feeling of paranoia all around.
i guess i am not the most honest to myself, because this is the first time i'm putting it into words. but i've always suspected my family of hating me. i just try to ignore that because it's definitely crazy.

in this dream my sister says something really cruel about me. something that only she could say, a button that only she could press. i dont even remember what, but it dumbfounded me in dreamland.
i asked her how she could say that. she said nothing, no remorse on her face. just turned away and let me hurt.
she said it to my mom, and my mom laughed. my mom also said nothing.

i was reeling. could i have another cup of water? thanks.

i suppose... i know what the dream means, in the end. i need to incorporate the possibility of being disliked into my life, rather than always walk around it. it'll give me more security in my views.

I went to bed with a dress and panties on and I woke up naked. That’s never happened before. I was also bleeding a little. I think you undressed me and raped me in my sleep, although I did not dream of you this time.

I must be incompetent if I can't find a social group which I have an interest in being involved with.

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>be a decent 6 or 7/10
>be pretty sociable albeit a bit shy
>can get pretty good-looking girlfriends/have gotten them
>3.9 GPA
>still get along best with fat awkward neckbeards or dumbasses
Is anyone else like this? I guess this is what I get for spending so much time on Jow Forums

Every time I see smartphones in public in someone's hand I'm fearing they're secretly filming me. What would they gain from it and why would they film me any way, I don't know. What if someone I messaged with screenshots my messages and forwards them and I become a meme? I'm losing my mind.

Go on...

Talk to each family member and express your fears. I highly recommend this, if you haven't already. Why would they dislike you tho?

I want to die so fucking much. I love my friends, but we're fucked up children from disfunctional families. We have no value to this world and I know we will suffer. I see their hope and I cringe because I know it'll be better with us all dead

It's good you realize it's unhealthy to concern yourself with these intrusive thoughts. Maybe you could imagine the worst case scenario and see how you feel. Would you die? Maybe try and figure what these fears stem from.

Last night someone invited me to some private party and I am afraid you’d be there and ignore or leave with some other girl like you always do.

But that isn’t the worst thing in my life right now. You are just a Dream, after all. You’re not even real to me.

Christ, what a fag.

Go sort your rice.

You got issues, dude.

I'm just so tired

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Schizophrenia or autism, guys? Place your bets.

I feel so guilty, but I had to do that.
I'm sorry if I tend to escape from situations, don't take it personal..
I'm scared of bonding, and I'm scared of staying alone.
I wish that I was better at dealing with things and wrote you something.
This is better than nothing, but I highly doubt you'll end up here and read this.
I just needed to get this off my chest, I can't really talk about it in a serious way with someone.

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Just a dumpster I should set fire to.

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Psychotic episode.

I like living with my current roomie. She's got a generally positive vibe about her and is one of the most loving people I've ever met. She's one of those people who is kind and talented but very down-to-earth.

My main issue with her is that she's loud. Really fucking loud. For example, I will be in my room trying to concentrate and she'll just be in the living room loudly singing a goofy song. And I don't mean just a few verses of a popular song or something - she'll make up these weird non-sensical songs and sing them for over a minute straight in a high-pitched voice. Other people in her social circle, from what I've seen, think this is charming except for me.

When I close my bedroom door to get some sort of buffer between her loudness and my personal space, I will hear her get upset in the other room. My intention is not to embarrass her, but I literally can not think when she is like this.

We live in an apartment building and I think her loudness is shitty to inflict upon our neighbors. It's caused me to avoid hanging out with her at points. Even if it's past midnight, she's screaming loudly at a horror movie or randomly shriek-giggling while playing a co-op game. She gets even slightly overstimulated during a hang-out, she's gonna yell. I've told her multiple times that I don't think that's fair to our neighbors but she shrugs it off, saying she's never had a noise complaint and even makes light of how loud she is.

As someone who has had loud neighbors, I just don't want to encourage that.

How do you tell someone that a personality trait they think is endearing and 'a part of them' is actually very annoying in certain contexts? Because I have resolved to talk to her about it, I'm just dreading upsetting her.

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>msg to this cute girl i spoke to at gym

im damn stupid that i didnt ask you out yet, im sorry for that. You are sexiest mix of cute and adorable i have ever seen.

>Msg to this girl at work that seems crazy about me
im sorry, i am attracted to you but i dont want to mix into your affairs. Im not ready (or willing) to take care of someone else child.

>msg to my crush
i just want you to be happy, work on your posture and butt tho, youre gonna hit wall real quick at this rate

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fuck her so hard she wont be able to scream no more

I am not so bad. I will humiliate and taunt this mutt forever, even when I get bored and stop doing it here. My existence is his curse. He will always be back for a small whiff. He is addictced to the fumes of victory. Like a moth to a flame. He will burn.

>Lost my job and the girl I was seeing ghosted me all in the same week.

I know I gotta suck it up and some people have it worse but boy does life hurt sometimes.

Why do I try anymore? Every application is either never acknowledged or rejected. I;m doing well by keeping busy, exercising and working on music, but at the end of the day, why am I doing this? To get some 9 to 5, do some mundane shit, go home to a lonely apartment. Then find some woman to marry and have kids who'll never shut up and make you go further into debt. None of the jobs I look at seem remotely interesting, and I haven't gotten a single. fucking. interview. Not even an interview. And people say that you need to enjoy being with other people. People say "go to grad school", but it either costs too much fucking money or is too prestigious for me. I don't see a point to continuing to apply to jobs. I'll do it anyway, though. I'm not going to be a loser who just burns his parents' money, I'll still keep trying, if not for me, for my parents. But I just don't see how it'll end well.

My school only prepared me to go graduate school, and I don't even want to go grad school. I feel so emotionally empty right now. That's probably because of my medication. I usually don't take it because of how it makes emotionally dead. But yesterday, I was really freaking out, and I've realized that I need to do something to stop me from panicking.

What is the point of life? I;ve been an atheist since high school, but at least if I believed in God, I could feel like there was some higher calling, some greater purpose to everything. There'd be a concrete reason not to kill myself, since that would send me to Hell. It would be nice to have all this bullshit done and behind me. Since I'm autistic, the world has never really been a good place for me. I;m just not meant to really fit in here. I'm an uncanny valley imitation of a real human being, and I'll always be an outsider. I just really want to feel something right now.

I'm getting obsessed with useless stuff like whether I should wash my phone after going to the gym or toilet, or which restaurants to go to.

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(1/2)
I used to be a NEET for about a year after high school. I slowly eased out of it, went to a community college, and met my bf before going to uni.

My boyfriend encouraged me to do math, since I said I had wanted challenge. So I'm majoring in math. I also chose to learn programming. He works in software and would often talk about his work, which helped me learn a lot. He also has a lot of good financial knowledge, and encouraged me to invest my money properly, which has made me a decent amount compared to if I just let it sit in a savings account.

I started getting very confident in my learning abilities, etc. I decided to quit video games and TV outside of time with him, because I feel guilty for wasting the time. I also don't do drugs, or have a social life outside of school and my bf. He doesn't do much besides chill at home, and gym. I see spending whole days at home doing nothing, as wasted.

I decided to join my uni's programming team, and another team. I feel great about my technical abilities. However, there is a significant time commitment to these extracurriculars. He used to accuse me of being too lazy. Now he says I have no life outside school. He recently started his graduate degree and gets very stressed putting in 40+ hours a week on top of doing his studies. I chose my extracurriculars, they are not necessary. They eat into time that we may use to be together. He says I am choosing them above him.

We've been together about a year.

On one hand, I really appreciate him. He's been the catalyst for some of the most positive change, I think, in my life. If I have major career success, I will owe it to him. He is the most financially smart person I know, and I feel lucky to have learned from him and to see how he goes about making decisions, etc. He's fun to be with during the times that he's feeling good. He also makes amazing food, and it's fun to be in the kitchen when he's feeling up.

I always dream about storms and riding around in a boat. Sometimes the boat is too small and I start to sink a little. Sometimes I wave my hand around in the air and a tornado appears in the distance. Sometimes I dream about being locked in an institution and I learn that my baby dies and there's nothing I can do.

(2/2)
On the other hand, he's generally a bitter person. He's draining. He's not very loving. I feel he gets sick of me sometimes. He says it's quite likely we won't have time for each other and in a few weeks we will break up. He criticizes me a lot for focusing so much on school. In general, He's not very affectionate. Not much in terms of cuddles and whatnot. No kissing. We've never even said we love each other. All physical interaction from him is like roughhousing, play fighting, being obnoxious. I feel it's a lacking relationship in that regard.

He already talks like we're going to part. I feel I might as well say we're done with, but I have nobody else. Everyone at school is solely on an acquaintance level. I have nobody else to really talk to. I think I will be sad without him.

Always had a boyfriend, never a friend. I think that's my main problem. Don't really know how I can make friends though. I feel so dissimilar to most people. Maybe I will get someone I can confide in, a friend, as I get more involved with school stuff. It's really my only hope.

Go fuck yourself, psychopath.

I've tried to live, I really have. Nothing stops reality however, I'm not allowed to be happy, that's just how it works.

Things aren't going to get better, I've tried but the world just doesn't work like that. It's time I gave up, I've fought enough.
I've lost the war.

That vague shit won't work on me. Country chumpkin. Hit me with something concrete. I won't waste my time with that gay faggot shit you throw at me. You should know a thing or two to say to provoke me enough to come back here. I want to see you at your ugliest. Punk.

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maybe hes bitter because hes so stressed about the work

maybe you both need to take nice long ass vacation, togheter, away from all the problems of the world.

If i work too long in one go without going to music concerts (i can go crazy there and no one will say shit) or in general spend some time outside of work i turn insanely bitter, pointing out things i normally wouldnt care about and be in general unpleasant person.

Talk with him about that and show him that you value him not only because of what he brings to the table but also what he taught you and you want the relationship to flourish, and not wither away because of some petty things like money (money, your car, your house, it all literally doesnt matter if you are unhappy in the end)

youtube.com/watch?v=QD5zKkAOPtw

video if you are bored

:^)

I'll never forget to take my goddamn medication again. Jesus.

I am performing a tatical withdrawal.

You know what drives me mad?
When I get attacked and then also get painted as the bad guy by everyone.

It just keeps happening, I don't know how to deal with this. I have my issues but this just isn't right.
I'm not the bad one here, years of this shit has driven me close to insanity.
Just no end in sight.

Whoever believes in karma is delusional.

Run rabbit run.

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I hate you

Aw c'mon. You know I am the best she will ever have. You're just mad you aren't the one correcting her.

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Oh, this page.
',:)

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I don’t get it. I thought you and I had something here...

WHAT! DID! I! DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You afraid to speak your mind? Or afraid face a dark reality? Both? Honesty comes with a price. Your heart. Its your turn to speak.

>haven't jerked off in a week
>but to go home and have some alone time
I'm about to have one of the best faps of my life.

Fuck it. You’re too dramatic to me anyway.

You.. fucking idiot.

Thanks

I hate my parents
>inb4 edgy child grow up
I hate my parents for not being married, not living together, not being loving, caring for each other and their children
I hate my mother for living with another man and for screaming whenever you say anything to her

I really can't see you, even though I wish I could. I know you guys don't like me either. He is right about me, and this was the only way I could show you that fucking monster for what he is. I am glad I got to vent out my crazy fucked up situation though. I think that was the only way to get you over me as ugly as it was. As ugly as we are. I will burn without hurting you. Thank you, sorry. :(

I'm insecure about my ethnicity, according to the internet chinks are the fucking worst. We're rude uncouth and are hated by everyone including people from our own ethnicity. I fucking hate it, why couldn't I have been born korean or japanese or hell, even vietnamnese have a better rep than chinks. Not to mention the chinese government being a dictatorship which makes me feels as if everyone hated chinks.

Goddamn weaboos and their insecurities; write to them.

Nothing. Its what I won't do. All I did was larp and show you my life as if it was a play. All I did was taunt you with my suffering.

Tell me why? I deserve that much.

Nobody cares unless they want something from you. This is the way it is the world over and I don't like it. I dunt want to play this game. It stinks, humanity stinks, look at. Like a fucking tick infestation on the planet. Little ticks growing fat off the planet's resources, it's disgusting.

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Trying everything but not even places that 'will hire anybody' will hire me. It's a full-time job looking for a job but I'm so fucking tired right now. I know I fucked myself with the gap on my employment but I didn't think it'd be such a death sentence.

Are you sure you want to know? I am fucking scared. He really is all I have. Even after reading all of this he stays. He has his claws in deep. You expect me to be in any position to do anything but struggle by myself with him? I am too broken for you. He will be apart of me forever. You cant battle this beast with me. Flee you fool. I always fight alone.

After being alone all my life , you'd think at 30 years old I would still be okay with it. But it's starting to wear on me now more than ever. How can I go back to those days?

Who are you? I wasn't writing to you.

It doesn't matter who you are or who I am. He will see this.

He will learn to stay away from fire.

I'm not an ant that you can torture for fun.

Oh dear, this is roblox meep city all over again

Alliahermione1994 I miss you

I love being a fat fuck and i love food! Yumyumyum

All these Chinese girls on campus is giving a bad case of yellow fever.

I took the need precautions to keep you safe. Dumdum. You can't even handle his phantom. What can you do? Nothing. Nothing but hate me for doing this.

I despise Jews.

I hope I didn't make you feel shitty when I looked at you with disgust

it was an accident

Stop. You never wanted me beyond my flesh. Cut me out. I can't even see you anymore.

Because it's fucking overwhelming. I legitimately just can't do it.

So then, what? What now?

Never play with fate kids. Fate is all about faith, resolve. When his met yours there was a hell of a storm. And you're in the eye of his, but youre lucky. Youre right about me being brighter. I am the sun. I will shine through. No matter the storm. ;3

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Find someone that's worth this effort and will actually accept it instead of looking for any reason to run.

If only I could jest

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that's not even a construction i use faggot. talk. to. me. it is literally that goddamn simple. fuck knows what you're referencing given that time frame or where. you think every single back and forth you've engaged in here has been with me? hell i've straight up watched a few of them unfold in real time before. didn't go well either. this unsurprisingly is the problem with just looking for me on here and relying on that as our main (by which i mean ONLY) form of communication. you're going to get confused and end up paranoid. and i'm going to let you because fuck you that's why. you want you to be confused and sad and miserable and paranoid, and you want me to be confused and hurt and miserable and suffering. well guess what you've got. you should be pleased as piss. fuck do you still have to be unsatisfied about?

it's clearly what you want. thus i'm happy to give it to you. remember who's changed, because it ain't me. you already know exactly how i operate. i made sure of that. any autistic overload shit i seem hellbent on explaining to you always ends up having had a reason behind it eventually, does it not? well anytime an autism seems conspicuously missing in retrospect, there's a reason behind that too. i do not broadcast my motives unless i want them to be known. it doesn't take many times being told you're wrong about shit only to later be proven right before you learn to just stfu and not bother trying to explain the whys behind the whats. interference flavoured doubt encumbers task completion, sometimes to the point of preventing it altogether. it is super fukken duper homosexual when that happens. assumption flavoured doubt is far easier to work around because it just means people get to be pleasantly surprised at some point and suspicious or confused or whatever until then.

you've crossed too many lines. way too many. be shitty with me i will be horrible to you. i'm done reminding you of stuff you already know. not a word of any of this is news to you.

Surely you jest, as jesting is far easier than not jesting.

Will you ever start being more thoughtful?

Go have fun without me, definitely in no way further proving that you're treating me like a house pet but worse.

Your spending is out of control. Jesus fucking christ.

>not a word of any of this is news to you
No shit. I haven't changed either, I'm back to the way I was when I told myself 25 was the limit. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. I can't fucking handle being honest with one person.

"I want to know you won't hurt me."
What's literally the only thing I've done again?

Well, I got it out of you. Your bitter, your sweet. I can carry it in my soul for eternity. I will never forget you, i will never forget this mayhem... or your eyes. but you know he wont allow us to ever happen. I dont even want to risk it. I am glad we got this off our chest. I can turn the page and so can you, hopefully without hating me.

Its finally over, my bittersweet fool. There is no storm in sight. I love you, and I will miss you.. I will miss everything. Even when he tells me everyone there hates me, when he tells me you hate me, i wont believe that. Ok?

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I want to learn how to trade but I'm so fucking dumb. I just want to make loads of money and give my mom the rest she deserves. She'll be 50 in 6 years and no retirement plan in sight. I just want to see the woman at peace for once.

Do you love me?

Enough to still cry over you

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Everyone where?

>I'm back to the way I was
>i changed to be a different way
>then i changed again and went back to the first way
>I haven't changed

25 what faggot?

>I don't want to do this anymore.
then why are you still doing it?!!! bullshit you don't want to be doing this, you'd fucking stop doing it then.
>I can't fucking handle being honest with one person.
since when nigger
>What's literally the only thing I've done again?
>again
this is the first and only time you've EVER hurt me and i don't know why you did or why you won't fucking stop.

That’s bullshit but I do think if it wasn’t for the flesh we wouldn’t have been together as long as we were, early on. I have grown to love you and the guilt from this lingers. I don’t know how to tell you... and I think it ruined what could have been something good.
Staying would be bad for both of us. I can’t live here anymore, though.

I wish I could speak to you again, M.

It's week three of university and I'm very quickly going from having my shit together to seeing it all unraveled before me. It's weird - at the start, I was really motivated to knock it out of the park and it wouldn't be difficult if I tried, but then I had the depressing vision of working my ass off for years just to get my degree and suddenly all of my energy vanished and I couldn't even look up from the desk. It might be fine if I had a good reason to keep going, but there's just no motivation for me at the moment, and so I end up lurking /v/ for at least half of my free time and spend the other half eating junk food. Today alone I've had about 6-8 donuts and just as many cookies, along with a muffin, because it has become a vicious circle where feeling terrible leads to poor decisionmaking leads to feeling worse and so on. But it can't go any further. I have to force myself to find a new hobby because otherwise my grades will suffer hard. Maybe I'll just go ahead and install ubuntu tonight, to force myself into something new. This has to end tonight, no matter what.

Ha, he plans on taking me away too some day. He hates the heat here. Please, please don't hate me. That is the worst. It hurts so bad when he yells that one at me. He needs me too. He is like me, maybe we are unhealthy, but dividing this flesh is going to turn him back. It would be like i killed him. Dont hate him either, if you can. It was unfortunate fates being twisted by this unfortunate world. We are both fools to think we can make order from chaos. All that happened was one of us got tangled up.

>been filled with regret over shit I did to a girl in high school
>tracked her down three years later
>she won't even give me the time of day so I can apologize

I should have gone through with commiting suicide

some girl on my floor just said she greeted me outside and I ignored her. I seriously didn't hear shit and apologized. I feel bad now though. what do I say to her next time I see her?