My gf is hurting me

I know trying to change someone's view on this when they are depressed is pretty much impossible, but you do deserve happiness. What have you done that is so bad and horrible? Why does someone who is abusing another person they supposedly love deserve more happiness than someone like yourself, who is being kind, understanding, and doing their best to make even a difficult turbulent relationship like this work? I don't know you, but from what I've read you seem like a kind and loyal, you are just hurting inside and that is ruining your perception of yourself and others.

She is cutting you off from your support network and gaslighting you (the Instagram model thing). These are classic abuser tactics, even if she doesn't realize it.
If you really see potential in this relationship, tell her she is crossing a line, and that outside friendships and equal boundaries are non-negotiable. An ultimatum is okay here imo.
But while feeling that 'nobody else' can love you is a pretty common feeling coming out of your first serious relationship, it seems that your gf is indulging those fears. Love isn't a finite resource, and you're better off alone than with someone who treats it like one

>well obviously you can't because you're not allowed to talk to your friends or listen to music you like or draw things you like or follow people on social media you like. that's kind of fucked
yeah it is kinda fucked and i never thought of it that way, i now see that i can't really be my 110% self although i've almost changed myself in ways that i dont mind really (the drawings) but it comes to a point where i can't change myself or it'd hurt too much to do so yeah, i see where you're coming from and i agree.

>it sounds like you love the companionship of a partner moreso than the love she gives you.
i do love the companionship a lot, dont get me wrong but i also love the love she gives me, it isnt necessarily the best love but when she gives it to me i feel so, so special and happy.

>okay, you can't think about that. she's a big girl and should be able to handle herself. you'll never get anywhere if you base your life around other people's feelings
i guess she'll be able to handle it, but at the same time i'd feel guilty as fuck and i wouldnt be able to cope well. i think if i continued the way i'm going my life would be considerably fucked up unless my gf and i can change things.

>the best piece of advice I can give is to be more selfish. you sound like you'd give the shirt off your back to someone and I know what that's like - I'm the same way. however, people will just take what they can get from you and leave or they'll make a huge deal when you ask them to do something. it'll lead you to feel like this all the time because you'll never get what you want. it's okay to look after your needs before others.
i havent really thought like that much but seeing it now seems like a good idea,, of course i wont be narcissistic or hurt her in any ways but i'll try and do what you've said for some things.

thank you user i really appreciate it & it helped '

i am crying from that, it really really means so so much to me, i don't know if you'll see this but thank you so, so fucking much. i guess i do deserve happiness, thank you so much user, have a great day, you've made mine much better.

i think you're right about her not even realizing it, it is hurting me and i think something needs to be done about it, what you've said has helped me realize a lot of things that i hadnt before, when my gf and i have our conversation on this (likely tomorrow), i'll bring up things you've said, thank you, i really appreciate it

good luck, it sounds like you know what needs to be done. if this thread is still around then keep us updated. hope it goes well for you and remember dont let her smooth talk you into thinking it's a "you" problem

Godspeed

Good luck user. You deserve this. Let us know how it goes, we're rooting for you.

>she doesnt want me watching porn & i dont want her watching it either, neither of us watch it & she also doesnt want me following any model accounts on social medias because it makes her feel insecure about her body

Holy fuck you should be allowed to do whatever the fuck you want. No amount of love is worth being treated like this. You need to stand for yourself, you need to tell her that you like what you like and if she doesn't like it then she's got a problem, NOT YOU.

Breaking up with someone like this sometimes is better than waiting for them to change and understand your position. She might want to talk about it and have a conversation about being possessive, and if she does then great. If she doesn't and insist on her attitude towards you then I would say you need to let her go.

A lot of people have these boundaries in relationships, it's normal. Just because you aren't ok with it doesn't make it an unfair or unrealistic boundary. OP's gf is a controlling freak, though, so she should still break up with her. OP can't even talk to her teachers or classmates without her gf sperging out

thank you so so much, it means a lot, i'll keep you updated if this thread is still around, if not i'll make a new one in around 15ish updating & asking more advice if needed, thank you for the help and the luck. have a good day
godspeed aswell, anons

Draw the line for her. You seem like a caring person who wants the other party to thrive in your relationship but the truth is, it should be as much rewarding for you as it is for your girlfriend.

Also, having read your story, she seems to be stirring up a drama over nothing. Are you sure that there are no big, underlying issues behind that?

My wife was like this. Now we're married she's much worse. Honestly OP you should leave her.

28 year old lesbian here. You're young and have many years to find someone else to be yourself around and to love. Someone who won't be abusive and won't make you feel suicidal. You probably have some growing up to do, but when you do that you'll be a better person and attract better women, and it'll be easier too as you can go to events and use dating sites, live in better locations and not have to worry about family. I have a few lesbians friends who stayed with horrible gfs when they were young because they were their firsts and thought they couldn't do any better. They all regret not standing up for themselves and letting other opportunities pass them by, but at least feel more confident now in knowing what they do want from a relationship.

i guess i should be allowed to but if i did do something i wouldnt want her doing i'd be a hypocrite and that'd just be double standards, besides, i wouldnt want to make her uncomfortable. As you said, if she doesnt change i think i might have to let her go. thank you user

It's normal to have boundaries and i'm fine with them but when she is being a hypocrite or gaslights me it can become a problem,, if she wont change or blames it on me i might have to let her go, though.

>Draw the line for her. You seem like a caring person who wants the other party to thrive in your relationship but the truth is, it should be as much rewarding for you as it is for your girlfriend.
Thank you, tomorrow when we have the conversation i'll find a way to express what the line is exactly and find what the line is for me, thank you.
>Also, having read your story, she seems to be stirring up a drama over nothing. Are you sure that there are no big, underlying issues behind that?
I haven't thought about that, I'll ask about it tomorrow. My best guess is that it isnt intentional & i think some of the yelling at me could be her anxiety but at the same time, she's never done anything to try and help it. You've raised a good question, I'll see if I can get an answer or some kind of explanation. Thank you user :)

The worst part about this is that your friends would tell you these things, they are so basic, but she won't let you talk to them. People reminding you that you have worth outside of her immediate sphere is threatening to her. That should scare you.
I've spent a lot of time trying to understand the tortured romances of these types. The endgame is they get a wake up call and shape the fuck up next time, or end up hurting somebody, badly. You might need to be the ice bucket here, user. good luck

Classic abusive relationship

She will possibly start beating you within a year or two

Dump her, abandon ship, she will NOT change

This. Also OP read about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Damn, i'm sorry to hear that user, why are you still with her? Is it the same reasons as me? I feel you

It means a alot to me, knowing what you've said & you sharing your experiences, I think you've said very, very true things that I agree with, I do have lots of growing & learning & i do have lots of time to find someone else that could potentially be better. If she won't change I might have to let her go & I think I will if she can't but I love her so much and would love to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't think I could if things continued the way they're going. With your experience & knowledge, do you have any advice on how to make this go smoother? I really really appreciate what you've said so so much, It means alot, sorry if I sound a bit out of it, it's midnight for me but please believe me, it means alot, thank you so so much : ]

Oh god, reading that and having read this whole thread and making it has made me realise how little I've known all along, thank you,, I'll try giving her a chance tomorrow and probably a month after if she says she'll change but if she can't ill have to let her go and i'll tell her why, tactfully of course but at the same time, making sure she know's why so that if it comes to it, i can be the ice bucket, thank you user.

it's a possibility but i'd like to give her a chance first, i love her a lot and i feel as though she wouldnt do that as im pretty sure most of the things she's been doing havent been intentional except for a couple things that have been intentional (the model thing) but i feel as though she wouldnt hurt me on purpose just to hurt me,, but she might still hit me in the heat of the moment later on, but i really can't say because i cant see into the future. ill give her a chance if she says she'll change tomorrow. if she can't change then i'll have to let her go, then i'll be able to grow and gain more experience as said. ty

wow i just looked at symptoms and she appears to have most.should i bring this up with her, user? ty

Probably not. These people have a hard time acknowledging they are sick. She'll turn it round and call you the crazy one. Therapy can help but only if she is willing and understands she is sick. But she's not going to change without help.

It was the same reasons as you but now there are two kids involved, and they are the absolute loves of my life. Even going a day without them makes me sad. Being a weekend only dad, and leaving them with their abusive mother? Both of those would hurt so much.

The ENTIRE point of a relationship is to make both of you feel good.

It doesn't sound like either of you is happy here.

>I'm mentally fucked up
>She's mentally fucked up
>We keep demanding things of each other and crumbling to piles of crying, wasted flesh on the ground
>What do?

Yikes. The relationship you described looks really toxic. You should get out, but more importantly than that you should go see a professional. You're still in high school, so it might be possible to go see a counselor for free through your school. Get on that shit immediately, you need serious professional help.

yeah, that too is a large possibility and i wouldnt be surprised if it happened, ty.
jesus christ that's horrible im so sorry you experience that, would you possible be able to take custody of the kids and get a part time job of sorts?
she is happy according to her & i sort of am but also im not at all with some aspects

You have a fair point but she does some really nice things too, I agree that some parts are toxic and trust me if she cant change I'll have no other choice to let her go, but I think i might do what you suggested, for another 6 months i'll have access to a school counselor. thank you !

>jesus christ that's horrible im so sorry you experience that, would you possible be able to take custody of the kids and get a part time job of sorts?
Thanks for understanding. I'm a man so I'll not get custody. Anyway the kids deserve a mother and I wouldn't deny them one even if I could. For now I just try to keep them all happy and I'll see how it goes. But I would advise you to get out while you still can.

>If she won't change I might have to let her go & I think I will if she can't
Honestly, although it's red flags all over the place and everyone here is saying to end it (and I think so too as things currently stand), I also think if you truly love someone then it's fair to give them a chance to see if they can change. The danger is that they never change and you end up waiting forever.

This would be my advice. Make a list of all the things that she does that feels unfair, is hypocritical or upsets you. Explain to her how you feel/how these things make you feel (insecure, upset, like she doesn't care, like she expects different things from both of you, like she's being controlling etc). On each of those points, think of an agreeable solution to suggest, and let her suggest some too. She might be stubborn and not want to accept them. Maybe you'll make a compromise, but maybe there won't be one that works for you and you both have to consider if it's worth being in this kind of relationship where you're being made to feel unhappy. There might be concessions you're willing to make, but don't give in on everything or the important stuff (it's really unacceptable to isolate you from your friends).

Reply too long, 1/2

2/2
Honestly with her personality this might be hard. These kinds of convos are best between 2 people who are willing to have them, and where you both trust and feel comfortable around each other. That really is the ideal in a relationship, when you can tell someone how they've made you feel, address your issues and come up with solutions together.

If you can't come to an understanding or if she's nasty about you exposing your concerns, it might be best to end it there and then. If she agrees to make changes, then have a timeframe in mind for them to happen to and when the time comes, explain that nothing has changed and it might be best if you part ways.

Personally I find having this kind of convo a bit hard in person because I get emotional and that makes it harder to share my feelings. I like to do it over some instant messenger because it gives me time to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it, but your preferences might be different.

Best of luck, OP. From this thread at least you seem like a decent and reasonable person who deserves happiness. I hope you get there, either with her or someone else.

I'm sure she does plenty of nice things for you as well, that's how an abuser creates a bond with the person they're abusing, even if they don't realize what they're doing exactly. You were upset and you came here, so you've only shared the negative aspects of your relationship for the most part, giving all of us a slightly warped perspective of your girlfriend, but think about this: Everyone has negative and positive sides. Marriage vows say "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health etc."

When you look at the "for better or worse" aspects of your relationship, the worse part seems highly toxic and abusive. It isn't safe for you or your mental health, I would suggest being ready to cut this person out of your life and being solid in your belief because when you tell them to improve themselves for you and then expect their self-improvement changes to be permanent, you're asking for a rude awakening. People don't often change like that and usually the "change" you'll see in them will only be temporary.

I've had a fair amount of personal experience with an abuser myself and despite many years of conversations like the one you're planning, it never stopped. All my friends constantly told me to get out and get away and I didn't do it. One day I finally did and she destroyed my car in retaliation. Luckily for me I had some proof and destroyed her in court, recouping all my losses. I'm a big guy and my ex was a small girl, so physically she would never have been able to do anything to me, but in toxic relationships like mine and like what yours looks to possibly be, physical violence can be a real threat. Watch out for yourself user, you deserve happiness and a healthy relationship with someone who will deliver on your needs while not abusing you regularly. I hope you take all this to heart and hit up that counselor, I bet they will really be able to help if you open up to them. Remember, they're there to help you, it's their only job.

Attached: 18222156_858511764303014_912857899858829271_n.jpg (600x848, 83K)

Geez im so sorry, godspeed, I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you so so so so much for taking your time to type all of that, I think from reading your replies I now know what to do & how to start & structure it, I'll get prepared tonight with the list, possibly even tomorrow then i'll ask her about having that sort of conversation & we'll decide when it's going to happen then I guess it'll go on from there but honestly thank you, so so so fucking much, I really really appreciate it a lot. Thank you for the luck, it means a lot.
Godspeed user, thank you so much.

thank you so so much, I'll take that to heart sincerely. I'm so sorry about what happened with yours but I'm glad you won in court at least. thank you so so so much for the advice and the kind words, I think if i have the conversation with her and she agrees to try and change, if i don't see it changing in a month i'll pretty much have to end the relationship and I think i'll also go with 3 strikes. thank you so much again for the advice, i have taken it to heart and i appreciate it a hell of alot, thank you so much user

was me, forgot to add the name.

I'm going to sleep for the night, it's very late at night, thank you so so so much everyone that's helped, given me advice, shared their experiences or givin me their opinions, it means so so much.
I hope you all have lovely days/nights, sweet dreams anons, godspeed.

>Geez im so sorry, godspeed, I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks, and the same to yourself. Good night, OP.

Then why the fuck did you take the time to make the thread