Hello Jow Forums. I think I need a sharp, neutral and outside look on what I'm dealing with. Scumbag alert. I am a scumbag.
I've been married for 3 years with a girl I've been with for about 10-11 years. In general, I've felt I've been pressured both into the relationship and later into marriage. Just no love on my side, but she is a really nice woman that is an excellent homemaker and loves me dearly. The sex is shit, though.
I have been having an affair-ish thing with a different woman since 4-5 years. Love right out the bat. Nothing like I've ever felt before. Fun, engagement, all that nice shit. She stood by my side even after I married, and waited for me. Shit was magical. But a week ago I found out she found a new guy. At a new, better job that I helped her get half a year ago. She's been close with him since May and last Monday he came over to our city for a two week visit from HQ. This week they've probably been together physically more than I've been with her and there's still another week going.
I know this is messed up but I felt like I truly loved her as she did me and I understand her being fed up with waiting. But what am I supposed to do, from anons point of view? The feels are strong and horrible. Divorce and fight for her like I should a long time ago? Let it be and let her have a shot at a normal relationship (It'll be long distance, though...) and focus on trying to love my wife? I really love the girl I've had the affair with, and still do regardless of the current situation, however it hurts me. I just felt happy with her for the first time in my life. Also didn't want to hurt my current wife, then fiancee with a divorce breakup since she's really innocent in all of this.
I'll take a good berating as well. Not particularly suicidal, but having thoughts of how everything is futile as fuck. 30y/o if that's any help to what you can throw at me.
Hudson Miller
If you really think you want to go for the woman you had an affair with, talk to her first. You'll only fuck things up if you talk to your wife about it - you'll likely end up divorced and out of any relationship at all.
To tell you the truth, the woman you had an affair with is probably moving on for good - you've missed your chance if another guy has been in the picture for a few months now and she knows you're married. If you start a relationship by having an affair, no matter how long that lasts and how good everything is, you'll know that woman doesn't mind sleeping with married men/cheating - she'll move on to new guys, sooner or later.
tl;dr talk to affair woman about how to move things forward BEFORE doing anything else/mentioning it to your wife. More ideally, though, do nothing and hope he goes away and she doesn't (though they probably both will)
Colton Richardson
Probably divorce your wife, be single for a few years and get your head/life together, then whatever.
Call yourself a scumbag all you want, you're really avoiding the problem and trying to console yourself. You really should have dealt with this before even marrying your wife, it would have been much easier.
It's too late to 'save your marriage' or go for the backup girl. And in all honesty, even if you did marry the backup girl, you'd probably lose interest after 10 minutes and find yourself in the same situation. Because, these are really your issues that you've neglected to deal with.
Make a rough plan and make sure there's support in place for different people.
Caleb Myers
Thanks for the reply. Pretty much reinforced what I've been thinking. Despite the situation I am a pathetically altruistic person. That's why I didn't want to hurt the wife with divorce and why I would be happy if affair girl found happiness with the guy, while still me hurting like a motherfucker. Not sure how their long distance will work. Part of me hopes it'll fail and It could all go back to status quo. But she flat out told me she loves him so... Maybe she'll even move for him.
The part about knowing that she's into cheating is also spot on, that used to bug me on occasion. Especially since she was also in a (non married) relationship the entire time as well, but is supposedly going to break it off for her new guy.
Don't want to hurt her.
I agree with you. Fuck me, I fucked up hard on many fronts. I guess the best course of action to hurt the least amount of people is to forget about affair girl and stick with the marriage and not off myself.
Mason Jackson
Also, any figures or studies on how long love-lost hurting lasts for? A time frame for this might take the edge off.
Aaron Rodriguez
>cheat on your own wife whom you describe as a sweet woman for a prolonged time >make a thread painting yourself a victim You are incredibly shitty and manipulative. No amount of pity (You)s will change the fundamental fact that you are a garbage human being with no morals and decency. I feel deeply sorry for your poor wife.
Joshua Johnson
I understand and respect your point of view and for the most part agree with it. I'm not saying this is morally grey. Objectively I am doing wrong. Emotions and relationships are a shitty and convoluted mess, unfortunately that aren't always black or white. Actions however are and I know I am objectively doing wrong.
If anything, she's the victim since she's the most innocent in all of this mess. Just wanted to get third opinions if there's any possible salvaging of the situation, that's all.
Brayden Jenkins
learn to love your wife, i guess
Bentley Clark
This. People tend to create the problems in their own lives. Be it karma or whatever, don't cry about having to sleep in the bed you made.
Aiden Thomas
I think I'll certainly have to try now.
I do agree with that sentiment. Sometimes however you shit the bed due to inexperience or just some shitty happenstance. And the idea in general is to seek a way to fix those problems, isn't it? Not crying. Looking on how to fix the bed.
Elijah Bennett
Look man, you should never have married the girl if you were having an affair on the side already. You can't save that marriage because it was built on a lie. I'd that you need to divorce your wife, because even though she doesn't deserve that hardship, the longer you are with her the worse it will be for her when it inevitably falls apart. Chances are you missed your shot with the other girl too. Maybe she wised up and realised that relationships started on lies and deceit are doomed. I can't say. My best advice is to learn to control yourself. You don't need to be a slave to every emotion you feel. Before doing things, think about your actions and their consequences on those around you. Maybe then you will be able to stop hurting yourself and anyone who ever loves you.
John Howard
i want to hate you and most of me does but you're at least /trying/ to do the right thing so talk about the marriage. is it salvageable?
Jason Martinez
As an addendum, you don't just "sometimes shit the bed" you shit the bed because you were too lazy to get out of bed and take the shit. You didn't think about how you would have to sleep in it later, and now you're desperately wishing you could get the stains out of the mattress.
Isaac Stewart
Not according to . I reckon that it might be if I suck up and work for it hard. In general it started at the end of high school. We were drunk, she was after a breakup of some puppy love first relationship and had a hard time. She asked me if she was ugly and being drunk and wanted her to feel nice started to compliment her that sure, yeah, whatever. Things got a little hot and heavy. I wanted to forget the situation but it kinda happened again at another party and me not wanting her to feel like a slut went with a relationship with a caveat 'until we both find someone else'. Fucking titanium-grade relationship base, isn't it? We broke up along the course of the relationship twice, but we came back to each other. She because she loved me, I probably out of habit. We don't really have a lot of common interests. Save for common friends, but since most of them have kids they're not around to be a bonding stimulus. I don't hate her. I even like her as a person. I just never actually felt love towards her. At least nothing like with the other girl.
And I know my actions are despicable, any hate is warranted and understandable.
Jaxon Bennett
does she really have no clue at all this has been going on for the last 4-5 years? and how strong is she herself as a person?
Evan Miller
She has no clue. This wasn't an enflamed sneak-out-every-weekend stay-late-at-work-all-week affair type jig. As for the second part, I'd say not very. I'm the main breadwinner in the house and she never was particularly confident in herself.
Hudson Bennett
so she finds out this destroys her basically or you think she'd be okay?
Kayden Murphy
I'd bet my money on the former.
Christian Edwards
and this one isn't so much of me asking you a question as it is me asking you to ask yourself a question: how objectively are you looking at this? meaning how much of that last answer is looking at her potential position and considering things from her potential perspective, and how much is your not wanting to have to face consequences influencing it?
Julian Cox
Thank you.
Zachary Russell
very welcome. take every word of what this user said to heart particularly that last bit. this probably *is* going to destroy her. if she's healthy and pretty and sociable and all that, and has a good strong network of family and friends to cradle her through it and help her bounce back, she'll likely be able to pull through it. given that you don't love her, never really have, and presumably wouldn't hesitate to resume things with the other woman if she were to leave and come back, i'd say it's ultimately in everyone's best interest to pull the plug as tactfully and compassionately as you can, and take your licks for it.
learn to say no. learn how to be selfish directly so you don't do it secretly or you're going to end up in another mess sooner or later. good luck and good on you for being willing to do the right thing
