TL;DR (kinda) Today I got custody of my 12yo niece. My older sister is a longtime heroin addict...

TL;DR (kinda) Today I got custody of my 12yo niece. My older sister is a longtime heroin addict, met her bf (her dad) 15 years ago or so, they've been together for a long time. At times they've "held it" together. At other times she's called me asking for $20 because they have no food or gas. Last year has been disatratous. "Sophie" has called me in the middle of night because mom and dad hasn't been home for a few days and she asked me to help make dinner cause she don't know how. Can't get inside home after walking miles home from school and waiting until nightfall because no one is answering the door. Insane stuff... over and over again.

Social services got involved eventually after her school caught wind of how she's been living. Didn't take long for them to declare my sister and her bf as unfit parents and placed "Sophie" in their custody. I applied for custody of her when I found out without hesitation. I've "babysitted" her more times than I can count, sometimes for days on end, so we've bonded pretty close.

When asked if she wanted to stay with her parents or her uncle, she picked me so I guess that was a major part of how the case went. I have a stable over the norm income, no prior convictions or anything.

I love my niece, but I'm kinda a simple single guy. I like playing videogames, going out drinking with friends on weekends, my dinners usually consists of microwave food ect ect.

I have thought this through and I think she's better off with me, someone she knows, rather than a foster family. I've alienated my sister and my mother (who just turns her eye to my sisters addiction, like it doesn't exist. always have) Not something I really care about this point desu.

I have this scenario in my head of a wild banshee throwing fits, screaming and throwing stuff around eventually. Not how I know her right now, but going through the teenage years changes everyone. I'll deal with whatever comes, but just... any advice for raising a soon-to-be teenage girl?

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Understand that she's going to be going through it a lot rougher than other girls her age because of her fucked up home life. Understand that she may have been abused in the past and there may be issues related to that.

Ensure that she's happy, deal with school shit, help her with her homework if she needs it. Get to know her. Find out what she wants to do with her life.

Be gentle but firm. Understand that strict discipline might hurt more than help, but that no discipline whatsoever will hurt like crazy.

Be gentle

Be respectful of her boundaries and create an atmosphere where she fees comfortable coming to you with her problems. I used to get into some pretty shady situations as a teenager and having a parent who wouldn't understand and would throw a shit fit when she, for example, found 50 acid tabs in my wallet, diddn't stop me doing those things, but it did mean i would put myself in more danger trying to avoid my mum finding out, for example sleeping in a car park in the next city over rather than calling for a lift home, staying the night with my mates shady dad because i didn't want her to notice i was stoned.

Make her life better by making your life better user.

You say you only do microwave food? Learn how tocook and start cooking with her. Make it an activity for both of you.

Take up a sport you can do with her. Biking maybe. Go on biking trips on the weekend. She needs somebody to emulate, to idealise.

And dont be awkward with her periods, study what teenage girls go through and how you can help her.

Get rid of it, gonna fuck up your life.

Remember you were probably not all that much different or better when all's said and done

Be very nice to her. You're her provider now so you're basically dad and she'll love you forever as long as you aren't a douche to her while she is raised with her. I would spoil the shit out of her. Expect to be in long term contact with her for the rest of your life because it is likely that you're her "dad" now. I would love to have that happen for me in a way. Be strong, I'm sure you have it in you to provide for that little girl. Make sure you give her productive things to do like the ability to do chores for small amounts of cash for character building and funzies. Hey man, I'll be praying for you and that little girl. Good luck. Also make sure you let her know that she can talk to you at any time and have a good relationship with her so she doesn't draw within herself all of the time and become cold to the world. Adopted kids sometimes do that because the parents don't give them enough attention/develop any sort of close relationship with them.

absolutely learn to cook senpai, it's one of the most satisfying things you can do, and living on your own doesn't give you nearly enough chances to do it. You save money cooking for 2, economies of scale. Start by making a mushroom risotto or something.

as a guy who grew up with a sister, they usually only throw tantrums if you don't let them use their phone to text people and don't let them see boys. like literally my parents could have saved thousands of dollars if they had just chilled out

That's kinda the thing. I know she's been through a lot more than any 12yo should be. I have little prior experience with children, so how to discipline her and keep her on the straight and narrow is what's worrying me. Like said tho, I'll deal with whatever comes my way, live and learn for the both of us at the end of day. A judge had faith in me, guess I should too. Thanks for the words, user! Appreciate it

Thank you all for your advice! I'm reading it all.

Pretty alright at cooking. The daily nuked pizza is more from long days at work and laziness, laziness more than anything! Could be a cool activity for us both too, you're right! Thanks

I totally understand the need for privacy! Especially as a teenager. As long she's not walking down the path of her mother, I'll leave her be

user, I think you sound like a really reasonable, and caring person. You seem like you would make a great role model for this girl, and could be the parent she never had/deserved. Your life is going to get a lot more complicated, and you might have to shut the door on doing dumb young people stuff a bit, but I think you seem mature enough to know that she is your responsibility now. I know you can do this user. Help her grow up to be a good person.

I try to be the best I can be. Role model is scary to think about tho! Appreciate every word and advice you given me today too. Thank you very much again!

Just remember more than anything that nobody is born knowing how to parent. You will make mistakes. The trick is rolling with the punches and still being open and available to her when she needs you.

Also, don’t bash her parents. Even, or perhaps especially, if she does to you. They’re still her parents no matter what happens.

Also if DCFS/the county/the court has a social worker/case worker on her, it’s possible that person could be a resource. I don’t know that for sure and could be completely wrong, but sometimes these people can give you access to government resources for caring for her. Like maybe a therapist to help her adjust better.

You seem like a good man OP.
Give her love her and protection and make sure she feels comfortable talking communicating about anything.
Like one user said, prepair to learn about periods and female anticonception stuff.
Good luck m8

Go watch Usagi Drop.

Watch, not read.

I don't have much to say but still wish you best of luck, OP.

Kek.

You don't have to change much
How old is she?
You definitely need to start xooking rather than microwaving
Going out with friends once in a while shouldn't be a problem if you don't get pass out drunk
You just nedd to provide her with a good atmosphere in home, food, clothes, help her with school and spend some time with her

>met her bf (her dad) 15 years ago or so,
Hold the fuck up what do you mean by this

but skip the last episode

there is actually some good advice on here for a change.
Lads: I'm proud of ya.

Definitely thirding cooking and making good shit for her please. Good homecooked food is very, very comforting to me as someone who had a very fucked up home life. Cooking is also cathartic to me now.

You’re such a good person and she’s lucky to have you

Make sure she has regular counseling/psychological help thorough the years. Even a school counselor works. You can join in the sessions as well to learn how to live together through this.

Whatever you do, even if it's not great, it can't be worse than her parents were doing, OP.

>Even a school counselor works.
This. Honestly you should contact the school to let them know what's going on and ask to talk to the social worker/school counselor yourself so you can get appraised of how she's doing, what you should be doing, etc. Be clear that you're just being proactive and don't want to become overbearing, though.

OP, if you're still around, I'm a psych major cause I dealt with a lot of shit like this in my family. That kid's probably really smart, so I would make sure at some point to talk to her about the fact that genetically she is going to be more vulnerable to addiction, and that even once or twice screwing around with it could make things really difficult for her even if it wouldn't someone else. Let her know though that if she gets stuck in it you'll help her out and not to hide it.

Alcoholism runs in families, it works very similarly for drugs. As far as resources, look up "authoritative parenting" (NOT AUTHORITARIAN). This kid is probably already an adult, you'll have to treat her like one. GOOD LUCK!

First off OP you're a good man for providing your niece a home and stable upbringing after all she's gone through. I grew up with a sister and the most important thing that teenage girls need is space and privacy. I don't know about your living situation but her having an area where she can be alone and collect her thoughts is going to do wonders for her emotional stability going through the tough teenage years. Maybe you can arrange a deal with your parents to take her some weekends that way you can still have time for yourself, plus it's good if she has a relationship with her extended family if that's at all possible. Also I know it's not really important or relevant but your situation is gonna be perfect for dating, women will fall in love with you super easily when you mention you took custody of your niece and saved her from a life of poverty, you'll be drowning in pussy if that's what you're into, women love a caring provider type.

Seconded, I remember my mom and uncle's honest advice more than any punishment I ever got. Just be absolutely honest with her and she should be fine.

Don't try to talk to her all serious-like about girl stuff, or even guys stuff. Don't put men down in front of her, don't put women down in front of her. Just keep working on yourself, working hard, finding meaningful and productive hobbies. Try meditation or something that will keep your spiritual side alive if not thriving. Start reading the news and keeping up with things going on around you, figure out your place in the world and embrace it. That more than anything will help her find hers.

Don't worry about her sexuality or all that shit that's out of your control. The more you try to control it, the more she'll resent you when she's older and facing the world alone making her own decisions. Just let her decide what to wear, who she dates, etc. And you can at least control yourself, treat her friends and dates with respect and trust her to make good decisions for herself because you're supposedly going to make good ones for yourself. It's hard, being a mindful parent. Good luck.

You are doing a good thing here op. I don't have any advice as I lack the experience I just wanted to wish you luck, and tell you it sounds like you are gonna do well

Give her some attention, tell her you're proud of her and praise her when she deserves it. Listen to her ramble about school when you can, and when you can't, tell her you'll listen to her later and follow through with that promise. Never make her feel bad for asking for something or telling you when she made a mistake. Be there as much as possible and try to find someone who can be a positive mother-figure in her life. As someone who had a lot of at-home problems and a mother who was never around/never attentive when she WAS around except when I was doing something bad, these are what I wanted most in someone.

What great advice here. On some days, Jow Forums makes me weep.

As a father to a 10-year old daughter, here's my little bit to cover what the others haven't already said.

Find every opportunity you can to praise her. Her self esteem needs every boost it can to get over the previous environment.

But (and this is important) only praise things she does, not things she is.

For example, a good academic result or an act of kindness or an achievement at sport. Girls need reinforcement more than boys at that age, and at this age you're setting up the neural reward pathways that will guide her adult behavior.

Expect her to be smarter and more worldly-wise than sheltered kids the same age. This will surprise and delight you in unforeseen ways, and hopefully will make your parenting job a little easier.

You sound like a great guy, and here's hoping you make a wonderful parent.

My 2 cents

Slight addendum, though, especially if you go with school counselor: if she seems unhappy with this person, TRUST HER—or at least look into it (maybe ask to come with her to a session, but only if she’s okay with it.) Bad therapists and especially bad school counselors exist and only make things worse, and if she feels like you don’t trust her judgment she’ll feel like shit. It might be just fine, usually these people are very competent and good-natured, but bad ones exist. Again, if she starts to have doubts, pay attention.

Anyway good luck user. You really do seem like a good, stable guy. I think you’ve got this.