I found out months ago that my boyfriend has been having an emotional affair...

I found out months ago that my boyfriend has been having an emotional affair. I couldn’t bring myself to confront or dump him and decided to ignore the issue hoping he would come come to his senses on his own. I figured since it wasn’t physical it was something we could move past as long as he stopped talking to this other girl.

But the other day I went to his apartment (I rarely go there because I hate his building and his place is a dump) and we ran into his super. She asked him jokingly if he was cheating on his girlfriend, he played dumb, and she said “Your girlfriend. The other girl you’re always bringing here? I saw you guys kissing in the hallway last time she was here so I just assumed.”

I was pretty devastated. He claims his super is old and senile and a drunk and doesn’t know what she’s talking about but I really don’t think she’s lying. If kissing is all they did I can forgive him but not if he won’t even admit to it. What should I do?

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Kissing is never all they did. Tell him he's getting one chance to give you the complete truth and you'll consider staying with him. If he denies fucking her, dump him immediately. If he denies having feelings for her, dump him immediately.

If he admits everything, consider his behavior and - most importantly - whether you want to put up with this. Many women believe they are morally obligated to leave unfaithful men, or that their dignity is at stake. This shit isn't real. The only reason to leave him is you don't want to be with him. But since you are extremely hurt by this, that's probably settled. At least you will know the truth.

Bump.

Please help me anons.

He now says he might have kissed her but he honestly doesn’t remember because he was drunk and sleep deprived. Should I believe him?

An emotional affair is a way bigger deal than a physical one, in terms of relationship damage. He might "come to his senses" if he was just giving into lust and you're the one who's really important to him, but if it's a girl he actually likes and cares about, well it should be obvious. Not that either kind of cheating is a okay, but come on user.

I think he loves this girl otherwise he would’ve cut her off by now. But he must love me too, and he tells me he does all the time. I want him to love only me though, so how do I get him to stop having feelings for the other girl?

This is a basic tactic that people who've been caught lying. He first denied it completely. Now all of a sudden, he conveniently remembers that it MAYBE happened, but he doesn't really know and it was something else's fault. If more evidence is discovered or you push more, he'll go a step further. Yeah they kissed, but it was just a one time spur of the moment and not a big deal, they never did anything else. You really can't ever trust anything he's going to say about this once he's proved himself to be this type of liar.

Run.

I have read their text messages and he doesn’t say he loves her but when she asks if he does he’ll say “You know how I feel. You know I have a girlfriend but my feelings for you havent changed.” whatever that means. He also said something like “I wouldn’t be putting myself through this kind of emotional turmoil if I didn’t have feelings for you”

Yeah break up with him now. Grow a spine. He's a cheater and a liar.

But I honestly think he doesn’t want to cheat, this bitch is just trying her best to seduce him and get him to he with her when she KNOWS he has a girlfriend and that he has feelings for her that he’s trying to get over. If she was a good person she would remove herself from the situation. It’s really her fault, not his.

What this person said, but dump his pathetic ass first since he obviously doesn't care about you and will hurt you even more and he won't even give a damn. After this, things will get better. Don't torture yourself and muster up the will to dump him immediately.

That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy.

I don’t think I’d be able to forgive him having sex with her but how would I ever know either way? They might have already, the only reason I think they haven’t is because she’s a virgin and in their recent texts she joked about how she’s saving herself for him.

You know he was massaging her cervix for hours...

Emotional cheating imo is worse than physical.
This is going to be a pattern. He probably has others on the back burners so when you dump him, and he's only got this other girl, he needs to have someone else going too. The fact that you found out this way, you have no idea what else and who else he's doing.
He's most likely a narcissist. Get out now while you can. I'm sorry.

No, dumb him like the trash he is.

Oh good lord! THIS drives me crazy. Wtf do girls want to blame the other girl?
It's HIM. Get a clue and grow the hell up.

I have access to his phone and all his social media and she is the only girl he talks to regularly other than me, so I don’t think there’s anyone but her. But one is still one too many.

because they don’t want to admit that the guy they’re in love with is trash. easier to blame the girl, even though she is probably also in love with him and he’s probably leading her on.

>Emotional cheating imo is worse than physical.

emotional cheating almost always leads to physical cheating eventually either way.

You must think he's a lumbering retard who can't make decisions for himself.

No but I know its hard for a guy to control himself if an attractive woman that he has feelings for is throwing herself at him.

This dude is a bonafide cheater with all the signs. Figure your shit out and leave him.

You are really fucking stupid. I was in the reverse situation with my ex-girlfriend. He is LETTING this happen.

>I was in the reverse situation with my ex-girlfriend.

What do you mean by reverse situation?

I was unclear with my wording, my fault: I was in the same situation, reverse the sexes.

OP, you couldn't find your ass without a map. Get the fug out of here!

It's not as hard as you think, and he should have his own feelings sorted out before being in a relationship.

We were happy together until she started talking to him again earlier this year. Apparently this is a girl he used to like before we even started dating, but she ghosted him/cut him off once I became his girlfriend, about 2 years ago. Now it seems like he’s questioning his relationship with me and not as over his feelings for her as he thought he was.

Then he's a wishywashy ass. He let her go back into his life and did nothing to stop her presence. Either he should have kept her cut off or left you before doing anything with her. You don't get to try out other people to sort out our feelings while still in a relationship. You're being a doormat and putting all the blame off his bad choices.

Dump him sis.

That you know of.

Don't be stupid. He allows access to those because he has secret ones you don't have access to.

He doesnt allow it, I hacked his phone without him knowing/figured out his password.

sounds like a healthy relationship.

I thought on this some more and I think the fact that he was willing to put you in a position where you were humiliated makes him garbage. At a minimum he should have lied to his super in a way that made clear what he had done but saved you looking like a chump. Laughed it off with "oh we're all pretty good friends if you know what I mean." You'd have looked like a party girl but you would not have looked like the girl who found out last.

Sorry but look at it this way. Every moment you spend fussing with this human waste of space is potential for missing an encounter with someone priceless who you belong with.

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Why would he be kissing her in the apartment building? Who brings a girl back to his building and makes out with her but doesn't have sex with her? What the hell do you think they did instead?

Has anyone here EVER brought a girl home and kissed her with the intention of not going to bed with her?

This user. Wishing you the best

Dump him. You don't forget weather or not you kissed someone because you were sleep deprived.... This man sounds like he is playing you. Also, people generally make comments like that as there way of letting the other one know that something is going on... They don't do that for no reason

I have kissed a girl without the intention of sleeping with her, even if I wanted to.

You aren't obligated to dump in order to save your self esteem or sense of self, you can change the dynamic of the relationship to one where you get what you need and accept nothing else from him until it runs a natural course, but I suspect you might find that hard to do and it might not be what you want to do.

My ex wife had this crush on a friend of mine to the point where she put his needs above the relationship and manufactured all kinds of drama in order to keep hanging around him. I was like ... if you clearly like this guy you clearly cannot keep hanging around him while continuing to claim that you want to maintain this relationship. She was all no way, our relationship is everything, but you can't stop me seeing him, you are trying to stop me having friends and control me. I had to be well no, this is clearly more than friendship for you and if you lack the ability to make this call then I'll make it for you, you aren't seeing that guy any more or we are breaking up.

In my head I'm all yeah right like I'm enabling her physical and emotional comfort and stability while she makes an attempt to monkey branch into a new relationship.

Anyway a few weeks later I am away and I find out that she has called in sick to work and I do some prying and she stayed the night at this guys house. Had a fairly surreal conversation about trust and honesty and what that meant to me, told her I couldn't accept moving forward without that. Dumped her pretty much on the spot, packed my shit up and moved out.

She was like .. it is ok if you feel this way. It is ok if you don't want to be around me a while. It is ok while you are processing, maybe we can live a bit more like friends who occasionally have sex. I was like no I'm moving out immediately. She was RAWAWAAARGHGARRRBLE! I'M GOING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY YOU KNOW AND CARE ABOUT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CAN'T!

I had to call the police because I was stuck in a room holding the door while she went berserker.

The super did that shit in order to expose him because she felt sorry for you. Why do you need this guy in your life that badly? It is clear that he is either happy to cheat or moving on, neither are good signs. Can you distance yourself from the drama for a while to the point where you aren't constantly getting messages and being asked to forgive him or define things? I'd personally leave him to stew with it. Take some time. Think about things. Decide what is important to you.

For me this would be the end of the relationship. It might be the start of another relationship because maybe I'd get them to take me to dinner once in a while, see how shit is developing, they'd definitely pay. But the relationship would switch from 'genuine shot at having a relationship' to 'acquaintance who sits on the back burner who I kind of dislike'.

>emotional affair.
there's no such thing, now fuck off with your imaginary problems.

you’re retarded if you think there’s no such thing. finding out your SO is in love with someone other than you hurts pretty bad.

god you're pathetic.
I'd tell you to dump him, but I doubt you have enough self respect to do it.

>hurts pretty bad.
what kind of a chump are you, seriously?
>affair=PiV
anything else = sort outable

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>t. Chad

Hah. I had a girl do this to me back in high school. Only she showed absolutely no indication that there anything weird going on, but one day I'm visiting family on vacation and she posts a picture of her with some other dude I vaguely new and just messaged me: "I'm seeing this other guy now, maybe we can still be friends wit benefits?" I was totally flabbergasted as I was basically in love with the girl(as much as I could be at that age) and we were seeing each other for years without any indication of any problems and out of nowhere BAM! Seeing this other guy now bye. Was fucking surreal. I was devastated at the time. Now I don't put up with shit, don't get attached to shit, and it works pretty well.

I'm in an emotional affair with a man at work. We never touch or kiss .. But we know we love eachother. He does not want to leave his gf because he feels obliged to stay with her/safe her/ whatever. Also he still thinks its some kind of midlife crisis on his part and it will go away. But everytime we say we'll wait it out our love comes back and we come terribly close to doing something stupid. Then we talk again, wait it out.. rinse and repeat.

Its like being trapped in Limbo. It hurts everyone involved.
I will force a decision out of him before this year ends.

OP, I say dump him. Free him. Free yourself. Go find someone who loves you with passion and tenderness.

some great cucking ITT

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Dump him, i had this happen to me 5 years ago but he apologized and promised to change, This year he's fallen into the same pattern and doing it again. If he does it once he'll do it again. Dont put yourself through years losing chances at true happiness cause this guy is cucking you. Be free and live a happy life.

fuck man thats deep. im sorry that happened to you : (

Is this really a relationship in which you want to invest any more time?

dump the asshole, find someone better