I'm a handholdless, hugless, cuddleless and kissless virgin

I'm a handholdless, hugless, cuddleless and kissless virgin.
I'll soon be 29 years old.
Is there still a chance for me?

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no

Nope, you are too old to ever get a girlfriend.

For conventional options, yes.
On the other hand you could always buy a farmer girl in rural Siberia to be your wife for a few pennies and a cow

I lost mine a couple months after turning 28. There's still hope.

>some women can be bought for the price of a modern magic deck.
interesting, but I don't think I will ever follow up on that.

Sure. I held my first hand (and had my first date) at 30. First kiss, sex, and gf happened at 32 though. No problem.

Wait really

You'd still have to learn russian and live there until she's old enough to be your wife and leave with you, but sure you can do it and get your own blonde qt

Well, life is unpredictable. Anything can happen. As for now... Just don't loose hope and be good person.

Any info on how?
Wouldn't mind an 18 year old Russian girl

Just go there and find a small town, then ask around shoving money in their faces, my cousin found his current wife in a small town near Yakutsk and costed him about 10k counting the few years he spent living with her, the paperwork, the plane, etc

Won't she just leave when she gets a green card

She's been here for 7-8? years already and still can't speak english and doesn't have anywhere to go, I doubt she'll ever leave

Well there is always moving to China and kidnapping a wife of your own

What do you think are the reasons that you're still a KHHCV at 28 y/o?

What have you done the past 28 years to try and change this?

How does he keep her from learning?
Does he know russian?

I'm pushing 30 and actually thinking about this. Kind of want kids.

chicks dig virgins, dont trip

He knows russian and forbids anyone who sees her to speak english near her, I actually learned russian by talking with both of them, she's quite happy considering the way they live and doesn't really need to go out or anything so I don't think she even wants to learn english or meet other people

I guess I need to learn Russian.
Sounds like my ideal situation

if you're living your life the exact same way you have been for the past 28 years it's safe to say nothing's going to change until you do

Yes.
Try dating, speed dating, whatever dating, you have nothing to lose.
My advice, once you get a girl, don't let her know of your (lack) of experience. Don't even mention it.