Kinda just a vent thread
Family-working on improving relationship every day and am trying to do what I can and make sure my skidlings(my affectionate name for them) and others are alright
Friends-At a deficit, some good there, some bad, Quite honestly haven't been there for me most of the time and I feel like I'm but a novelty or convenience but that's okay I guess. People are always gonna use you.
Romance-There's a lovely girl I enjoy talking to and we obviously admire each other but if we were to try something it would be long distance and not being able to see her would kill me. She's having a rough life at home and I want to help but not sure how.
Depression-The biggest problem in my life currently. Had it since like 7 but got worse over the years. No one really knows and I'm gonna keep it that way. Gonna seek help and am setting up appointments and whatnot but i'm becoming more self destructive everyday. (Drinking, risky behavior, headaches, hate myself, suicidal everyday, etc.). Gonna off myself eventually I think, maybe I'll join the military and then do it or I'll just do it soon. Humoring the therapy and whatnot for now and If I can get better great but been wanting to die for a while now.
Kinda riding on a semi-good feeling and trying to fix stuff while I can (been improving my bmi and trying to stabilize eating habits as 125 at 6 2 is shit, been fixing sleep, been trying to get back to hobbies I dropped) been trying to improve a lot of stuff but something just feels off. Not really into it I think. If anyone desires a chat or is willing to input something that'd be neat. Thanks.
Working on things
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kinda going through something similar myself, currently taking advantage of riding the wave of feeling better before i slip back into a depression at some point.
What are the hobbies you're pursuing?
what is it you like about this girl?
What branch of the military are you thinking of?
Have you tried to off yourself before? Or had a psychotic urge to?-(i have i always thought the idea of someone having the urge to do this out of no where was weird until it happened to me)
What kind of routine do you have?
What kind of food do you eat?
How long distance would the relationship be? (how far away does she live?)
>What are the hobbies you're pursuing?
Chess, boxing, video games, coding, poker, and writing
>what is it you like about this girl?
She listens well which is something I've had a hard time finding, she offers insight into stuff I didn't really know about and our conversations expand the depth of this world for me. She's beautiful, honest, and one of the most supportive people I've found, among other things.
>What branch of the military are you thinking of?
Army
>Have you tried to off yourself before? Or had a psychotic urge to?-(i have i always thought the idea of someone having the urge to do this out of no where was weird until it happened to me)
Yes, various times, I take a walk up to four times a week where I go to the place I would kill myself, been researching methods for a while now, and besides trying to see if there's merit in pills (there's not, it's really not efficient unless it's specifically for killing yourself and liver damage is a worry). Still taking that walk so something needs to change but hey better than actually accomplishing it
>What kind of routine do you have?
It's extremely sporadic but around 1 am I take a shower, after that I read or something, And then knock out around 4 am and try to motivate myself to do whatever shit it is I have to do to get through the day.
>What kind of food do you eat?
So I have problems with appetite, rolling with a 17 bmi rn which is shit but when I remember to eat I enjoy some coffee or occasionally alchohol and I try to eat stuff that isn't shit. I like sandwiches, and more than anything seafood.
>How long distance would the relationship be? (how far away does she live?)
I live in US, she lives in NZ, soon to be Singapore, then NZ again, she might be visiting soon though which has me happy but yeah that's a long ass flight. (Yes I did meet her I traveled there for a short time, we hung out and stuff, was lovely)
damn, that is really long distance but it sounds like you actually have legitimate reasons for liking her and considering a relationship. That one's really a tough call and only you will know the right decision for that one.
are you currently working? that's a really weird schedule for sleeping. more than anything this is something i would focus on if i were you, cut the hobbies back if needed and make sure you get decent sleep. a few things i've found help me get to sleep when im restless:
>taking an antihistamine- i only do this when im having trouble calming my mind so i can sleep
>chamomile tea with dinner
>something i used to use that worked well is a Valerian root and lavender pillow mist, (i know very girly but for me it works) start out by spraying it on your pillow at times that you are already sleepy and know for sure you will sleep to build an association then start using more often when you're restless (think pavlovs dog) this is the brand i use earththerapeutics.net
>As for the walking bit, I recommend you trying a new regimen with it. Everytime when you leave to go there, try thinking of something you're thankful for. Everytime you reach the location try thinking of something you're looking forward to in life (this could be big or small even looking forward to a tv series to start up again or your favorite author to come out with there next book)
>As far as the military goes, if you can i recommend staying away from the Army and Marines, in my experience they tend to be full of other psychos that WILL push you to a breaking point and weather or not they will attempt to rebuild you the way they're supposed to often gets missed... I've seen a lot of people have far better luck in their lives with the Navy. Quiet honestly I don't recommend the Air Force, you'd be better off in the marines than there.
As far as putting on weight, try eating more carbs and protein at least twice a day. Something else that helped me tremendously was making sure i was getting enough iodine, most people in US are deficient in this. I take this brand: iherb.com
This stuff seriously lasts a long time
BTW what kind of stuff do you write?
Yeah my sleep is shit, sometimes go a couple days without sleep or a couple days without eating, it's when I'm feeling somewhat alright that I force myself to get that shit together. I'm attending college and do odd jobs so it works.
As for the new regimen with the walking that's a good idea, Friday was closest I got to offing myself, I remembered that I promised the girl I would take her to see snow and couldn't pull through with it. Kinda inane but I'm happy for the conversations we have.
As for the military that might be a good idea. Marines seems a bit much for me. Family has served in the navy, army, and airforce so one of the three for me. Don't much care for the idea of the air force so army or navy are probably what I'm going for.
And I just need to eat lol but the iodine will probably help. Will get to eating more but ti's still kinda irregular for me.
As for stuff I write I like writing down observations I have, song lyrics that fly through my head, used to try fiction and poetry but I'm ass at it, I just try writing well, so mostly how I observe the world and the rationale behind it, I wanna make people think even if I'm not that insightful.
September 1st 2018
Days like this I remember something fairly important to me. It's on the subject of antinatilism. To have a child is the most selfish act there is. My reasons for me this:
You don't have the ability to guarantee the child's happiness
Money only improves the state of your misery
You are forcing existence onto something that didn't request it
It's narcissistic
You pass on a bunch of genetic predispositions, a likeliness for this disease, similar
Increases the amount of this parasitic species we are on this earth
Other
To have a child is to produce something incapable of deciding whether to exist or not brought up in a world of bullshit social norms and meant to tolerate your bullshit. Why was I born i sometimes wonder. The answer? Unprotected sex. And so I was conceived. Made to follow the morals of those surrounding me whether they are right or wrong. Brought up chasing someone else's dream. Interacting with other little shits to become a big shit. Constantly wronging people by my choice to continue to exist in my fashion without an idea of what that means. There is a difference between bitter and better but most people are both. Now I'm stuck trying to look for comfort in who knows what while I self destruct a bit more everyday. Suicide? Not an option, how much I owe, good, bad, etcd and it is exceedingly difficult to go against years of teachings so for now I'm stuck. My depression/anxiety, whatever is not what every child will end up with. But the thing that pisses me off most is that the choice is taken away before it's even formed. We are beings of limited agency brought into existence by two other bastards will.
The point of this? It lacks one, no one is convinced by the bitter ramblings of a madman, it is just me venting to no one.
The window through which I try to dream does not look to the stars but presents me a brick wall to remind me to remember reality. I do not dream.
Example of my writing above. Right now working on a book that is a collection of my thoughts/observations/feelings as well as some misc other stuff. It's meant to get me to practice writing and hopefully improve on something which is kinda weakness. It's a way for me to feel human I suppose.
A couple days? Seriously try knocking yourself out with antihistamines a couple nights in a row until you get a routine. If you don't take any other advice just do this. You can get the stuff cheap at any grocery store. I think I got a box of it at winco for like $2.
As far as the snow goes, if she's worth having a relationship with, trust me she doesn't care about weather or not you have taken her to see snow.
What are you going to school for?
Yeah the sleep is bad, I'll pick some up
And yeah she's one of the nicer things that have happened to me in recent months, she makes me happy and I love talking to her. I'd like to share anything neat with her and I love when she sends photos, shares, and just talks. She just reminds me another person is capable of something like that.
I'm majoring in bio but I'm kinda considering switching to med or pre med. Toxicology seems really interesting to me but I don't know how niche it is.
Writing can be a good way to sort out your thoughts and your problems. The mind is truly such a complicated place to get stuck in. Many people never make their way out of it. They go crazy or they kill themselves eventually. a few things i recommend on this
>Let yourself write out all the things you are thinking about, completely unheld back. But only do this if you are willing to then write an argument for the other view point
>If what you are wanting to write about is different from above and is a list of anxieties or problems you're not sure how to work through, try getting some advice from someone, weather it be here, a friend, family, counselor etc.
Another thing I'm going to recommend for you is to try doing something new at least once a month. Go to a new place you haven't been before
So hi, just browsing. I'm a random 22y/o girl from NZ too lol (:.
I have a few questions, but also seeking advice..it seems there's a lot of depressed/suicidal people around me.
Just want to know.. Is there something that might make u change ur mind about wanting to live life?
Is there something someone as insignificant as me could do to help you or people who are experiencing similar things?
I'm really worried for some people and I just don't know what to say. I do have some sort of anxiety but I don't think its very obvious. I have all these things I wish id say or do but don't.
Anyway. I don't even know you but I want you to be happy and live life to the fullest. Do you really feel its inevitable to kill yourself? I hope that you wont. (is it rude to say that? It is ur life after all... ) but I really think..This world can be beautiful..
And my advice is.. try to appreciate the small things. Even, butter on toast. & hot tea. :3 everyday is new.
Yeah, I know it's shit but it helps sort out things and hopefully offers some sort of insight that people might learn from or critique or whatever. And I'll do my best to do something new once a month, gotta stay out of my head.
So here's how I've been perceiving life since I was young: Satisfy stuff to family, better the family name, do something for the good of the world, then I get to die. Death has been a reward for my living for a long time and that is an issue on a fundamental level. It's not me just being depressed and me wanting to die, it's me living normally and wanting to die, a lot. That said if me and that girl found a relationship together I would reconsider, I like the purpose she has, I like that she has her own ambition, and I like that she is dreaming and reaching for new heights. Learning about life alongside a companion like that would be lovely.
There's always something someone can do even if it's accidental. I think just trying to be willing to have a conversation is what helps. Lots of people don't have someone to really interact with and communication is an essential thing for a social species. Just try to communicate I suppose if that makes sense. Also on the anxiety try to burn off energy if that makes sense, people stress me out a bunch and physical activity mitigates that, hikes, whatever.
And the chances of me killing myself inevitably are pretty high. 3/7 times a week on average I take a walk that is me perpetually pushing myself to die. Every day is thoughts of death for me. Every hour. It's fine if you don't agree but I'm not really enjoying much of life. The world can be beautiful but it's also a harsh, ugly place.
And good advice, it is good to enjoy the small stuff.
Also on the things you wish you said.
I think a lot of times what we do is curb our impulses and that's neither good nor bad but I think for satisfaction it's best to try to live as free a life as you can. Speak your mind and it's likely there will be those who listen. As long as you're trying to improve your understanding of the people and world around you in some way then that understanding will appeal to people. You speak well from what I've read. Agency is a thing in your own hands and you can do wonders with it long as you try. Keep at it.
curious, did either of your parents have issues with depression?
it's not shit user, I can't tell you how many things I used to write like that. Also I used to try writing fiction too and utterly failed at it, showed my best friend one of my fiction writings once and she had to hold back laughing at me, looking back it was pretty funny how bad it was. now a days i just get a good kick out of the memory. weather or not it was good doesn't really bother me anymore though, the only thing that really matters i guess is that when i wrote it I felt great, so who cares if it was no good anyway?
better the family name... don't know why but for some reason this gives me the image your family is in the mafia from Boston or something, ha. What do your parents do for a living?
None, unlucky genes for me I guess
It is for sure shit. It's the type of stuff anyone unhappy would write. I have a knack for clever wording sometimes but its content is basically the same in nature to whatever else generic shit. As for my attempt on fiction it was alright, people said it was alright. Basically my writing is uninspired and that of a hack but whatever. I don't really feel great when I write, It's more like a feeling of sadness/wistfulness but it mitigates the feeling of depression somewhat. Idk. I used to tell bedtime stories to a (then) close friend and she enjoyed them but I'm not a fan of short shit and so I don't really do it that much.
Not really what my parents do but more what's expected of me.
Mom:since preschool: You will go to college and get a degree and become a doctor and make a bunch of money
From grandparents You're so smart you're bound to become an engineer or something. You're so much more intelligent than I was at your age, you gotta make something of it.
From extended family: You should be applying for all the hardest schools.
From everybody: Have you heard of this member of our family who accomplished this despite the hardship of this time or how this member was able to accomplish so much and travel the world and etc. Remember who you are as we've accomplished a lot.
As for my parents jobs, dad is environmental scientist and my mother does stuff in pharmacy
To add to this it isn't like my family tries to be overwhelming, they want what's best for me in some fashion, however I'm not especially close with anyone and pride and ambition is something they associate with themselves. My ambition has hardly been my own is what I mean to say and so I'm kinda in a rough spot for figuring what to do. I'd love to write if I had any talent at it but I don't so that's fucked. Toxicology seems interesting but that's unexplored territory rn. Basically I kinda just want to perpetually die or be a companion to the girl aforementioned. I have no real reason to be motivated for myself so I'm trying to find someone I can strive for if that makes sense.
hey user, just curious, do you like dogs? Have you ever owned one?
Yeah I love dogs. Don't have one currently. My mom got one when I was younger but within 3 days my dad made her get rid of it. Still love em though. My grandparents had a dog that was nice and my aunts had a husky/Shepard mix I loved.
this is a long shot but this is the place i went to school, completely changed my life. definitely helped me feel like i had a purpose. It's certainly not the fancy career of a doctor or an engineer or anything but it honestly doesn't sound like you're that into that stuff anyway. Anyway I'll just leave this here in case its interesting to you. youtube.com
also, you don't have to own a dog to go to this school. just have a love for them
Not sure it's quite for me but I can see myself volunteering at an animal shelter or something, hell that can be my one new thing. And yeah I'm not really too excited about school but that's because I can skip class for 2 weeks and still get an 100 on an exam, it pisses me off because I want to be challenged. Maybe med school would help with that, there's 1 track that would be really good and if I got a degree in something I enjoyed within that field it would be awesome but gotta find something I enjoy first.
What were the classes like for you, what's work like?
I'm a 23 year old with 5 year's work experience in the accounting field. I have an AA and just started working on my BA in accounting after moving on campus.
I'm in shape, I have leadership positions with student organizations despite it being my first semester, I volunteer my time with the police, and I'm making a very real effort to be a more sociable person in order to fix what I believe is my largest flaw.
Despite this I still seem to never attract the attention of the opposite sex. Maybe I have no idea and am missing signals, maybe I'm less attractive than I think, I don't know, but I try to do the right thing whenever I can and make active efforts to improve myself.
I don't understand how I am still apparently perceived as not being good enough.
Sometimes I worry that I've put my life on hold for the sake of others for too long and I've simply crossed a threshold where its weird for me to have such a lack of experience when it comes to not just relationships but emotional connections to someone my own age. It's not even about a desire for sex anymore, I'm just tired of being lonely no matter how many people are around me.
sounds like a plan user, happy to hear you talking more like that now. good luck. pet a couple puppers at the shelter for me
That's an understandable worry. We are social animals and we require some sort of socializing but more than that we require meaningful interaction. That self actualization is important and you probably wouldn't attract a partner without it so try to keep it up and working on what you're deficient on is important as well. It shows good prioritization.
There is never that certain threshold or precedent of enough because it changes for the people you're surrounded by. You become more good each day and more whole in your behaviors.
A lack of experience is something that can be worked through, connecting emotionally is also its own process. loneliness is a terrible thing but try to surround yourself with people who mitigate that;who encourage you to explore and dream and continue becoming better. You'll get there.
As far as my advice on women goes just do your best to listen. That within itself is a skill and attraction isn't the same for any two people. Try to talk to women on campus and ask for coffee, a good conversation is always appreciated because people are too often bogged down by shitty ones.
For sure, I call all male dogs doglass (like Douglas but dog) and all female dogs doglassie. One of those satisfying things that go through your head.
kek, I'm going to be thinking about this all day at work tomorrow now
Right? It's so fucking satisfying
want to get married. I'm not looking to play the field or anything like that, just find someone I can call my best friend and spend my life with her. Being a university student in my early twenties, the fact that I don't immediately drop hints seems to really cause issues for me down the road.
I don't know, I guess the fact that I wait until I think "maybe she could be a long term thing" is its own problem.
I know what I want, I just have no idea how to pursue it. It is certainly not an issue of confidence, but I do feel a parallel to the problems many in that boat voice. Rather than not knowing if I can do it, I just have no clue how and realize that's something most learned when they were 10 years younger than I am.
I'm fixing that as well as I can, but I grew very used to keeping my problems to myself since my issues were always smaller than the only friend I would talk to for a long time.
You don't need to drop hints but talking about what you want from life usually helps. It's not a problem to think maybe, it's good to have an idea what you want you just have to learn how to improve it. Again communication plays a key part.
Go up to a girl in class and say hey, what's your major? Have you found something neat to do on campus? Read the responses, gauge interest. Eventually you'll manage some connection and stuff will form. it may be productive it may not but you'll certainly gain experience which will help long term in maintaining a stable relationship. I try to keep my issues to myself as well but you should note that sharing that stuff becomes somewhat important for establishing trust. Let someone come to know you.
I'll keep it in mind. Talking comes naturally enough and if I can convince a business owner that I as an 18 year old am competent enough to prepare their tax return I'm sure I can figure something out.
I have one question though: At what point do you think I should elaborate on why I'm taking such a late start or why I lack experience?
In my case the answer is that my best friend was diagnosed with leukemia at 12 and I put a stop to all other aspects of my social life in order to always spend time with him. After 9 years when he passed away I was already 21, and by time I had gotten over his death I was on my last semester at community college with zero friends and a full time job. So now that I've turned a new leaf so to speak, I'm open to start looking.
It's sort of a long and depressing story, and frankly something that I don't really know when it is appropriate to tell someone.
It really isn't that late a start and lots of people lack experience. It isn't even something you have to elaborate on unless asked about. Hell you can just end it at I was focusing more on friends or something if you want. tell a person you feel comfortable with when you're talking about who you are and who they are. It's an exchange, not a dumping grounds.
That said my advice is just what works for me, find something that works for you, if mine happens to do so I'm glad I helped you.
coincidentally that's a sad fucking story
Alright, thank you for the advice man.