>be me >24 >pretty much every girl I’ve done anything actually sexual with was from tinder/bumble etc >been told I’m pretty good looking heaps of times (just saying looks definitely aren’t the issue) >have a laid back personality, naturally more of reserved person
How do I get it out of my head of relying on looks etc to pick up girls irl? I guess it helps but it definitely seems as long as you are at least ok looking, girls care way more about personality than just looks
I don’t think I’m very good at that normie ‘banter’ stuff and building a connection to hookup with a girl from a party/club etc. other more outgoing guys usually beat me to it because they are louder and more ‘fun’ (I guess to girls if you can describe it that way)
I was way too shy in my teenage years to approach girls and didn’t really know what to do but I’m not too scared to approach girls now, I have done it many times, I’m just not good at it.
The hard thing is that I don’t really go out much anymore (not by choice) so any ‘failure’ seems overblown because any opportunities I get are few and far between
Do you actually like these people? Do you believe that they deserve your time?
You sound pretty similar to me and what I realized is that the reason I always wind up backing out of approaches, or simply not trying, is that I don't like the people enough. If you just want to get your rocks off, then you can act like a sociopath. However, if you aspire to more and believe that your time is more valuable than that, it may simply be that you haven't met the right person. It might be the case that there are very few people with whom you are truly compatible, and that when you meet such a person, the sense of specialness that you feel from them will provide you with the drive you need.
I realize that this goes against the conventional wisdom of playing the numbers game and of men needing to prove themselves to women. However, the conclusion that I've ultimately come to is that for some people, the only way is to set your sights higher.
Ethan Butler
>Do you actually like these people? Do you believe that they deserve your time?
Well I mean it's hard to say with someone you've never actually met. I mean I don't feel super drawn to them, I guess they are attractive sure and I would like to hookup. I have maybe a couple of times seen someone I felt actually quite drawn to, but generally these are just girls I find attractive.
In my adult life so far I've only ever met one girl that I liked strongly and felt a deep connection to
Ian Allen
bruh...marry me
Juan Walker
I feel this anons post.
Since I became an adult I still continue to feel this way about one person.
I met her while working in a factory. The first time I saw her I knew I had to talk to her.
I finally forced myself to talk to her. Unfortunately it was already too late. She was dating a guy that would end up breaking her heart.
Also unfortunately, I ended up doing an almost kinda anime confession (in my defense she kinda gave me extremely mixed signals). Basically, she broke up with this guy one day, texted me "No longer in a relationship". Even asking me if I got her text first thing when she got to work that day. I proceeded to play it safe since it seemed she was hurt by the break up. She ended up getting back with him and I was fired for unrelated reasons. I didn't talk to her for about 6 months after that.
I ended up reconnecting when I asked her on instagram how she was doing. She ended up asking if I could get her weed. We would sit and talk when she came over and was talking about some co-worker she liked asking her on a date and then using her for sex. I felt so sad because what she wanted was a loving relationship and that's what I wanted to give her.
Anyway, we hugged as she was leaving and I asked her on a date while not completely losing my spaghetti. She accepted, seeming excited about it.
I texted her that day asking if she was free for the date. She said really wanted to go but couldn't. I asked to reschedule and she said she didn't know. Ended up sending a passive aggressive text later on basically saying that I liked her and really wanted to actually take her on a date, and would apperciate a yes/no answer over some maybes, and to be more honest with me. Probably wasn't a good idea but I didn't talk to her for awhile after anyway.
Later on...we run into each other at the store, I attempt to walk away without her noticing me but she recongnizes me as I'm walking away and starts talking to me (cont)
Mason Long
She says she has a 1st shift job where I work. We end up chatting for a bit and afterwards a little on Snapchat.
We're aquintences again. Her birthday just passed and a present I ordered for a short lived girlfriend I had I'm giving to her. After that I'm not sure if we'll even still talk
What do I do bros? Why does she constantly keep coming back into my life? Do I just accept her as a friend this time and just live with it or do I do something?
Brody Robinson
Looks help but is not what win over women. Can you make a girl laugh? Can you make a girl feel safe? Can you demonstrate competence? Can you demonstrate financial stability?
Thats the foundation of female attraction, everything beyond that just puts more feathers in your hat.
Mason Allen
I can do all these things, I guess I just have trouble standing out initially because I’m more of a reserved type of person
Brayden Jenkins
She probably keeps coming around because she knows she can get attention from you because you like her. I would severely limit your contact with her unless you always want to be treated like the kid brother that always gets vented on.
Thomas Thomas
You're being a nice guy and expecting her to like you because you're nice.
Easton Williams
Not OP but I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm glad somebody finally said it. I've never been able to pick up girls at parties or anywhere for that matter, even when the girl is clearly giving me all the signs that shes interested. I always fall back on playing naive and dumb until I brush them off. The few sexual experiences I've had, i always walk away feeling hollow, lonely and regretful even if the sex was technically good. I always thought it was me being an uncharismatic, unconfident pussy but this post gives me hope. My biggest fear that, without any real romantic experience that IF I come across "the one," am I going to get cold feet and blow my chance like I've done so many times in the past. But also I dont have any desire to "practice" because I'm starting to resent the hookup/party scene that all my peers are into. It's funny because girls actually do like me because I'm nice. I'm decently attractive too I guess but I seem to be prime rebound material because I come off as emotionally stable and I smile too much. Hopefully that will come in handy when I really want to attract one girl but for now it's kind of an awkward burden for me lel
Dylan Reyes
I have a similar 'issue'. I'm a fairly good looking guy (6ft1, good face and fit body). It helps me with getting girls, but the only girls i seem to be able to pull fairly easily are the ones i'm frankly least interested in. I'm talking mostly about slutty, extroverted club girls who are often very sexual.
And yes, fooling around with these types of girls and banging them is fun. But if you ask me what types of girls really make my heart race, it's mostly shy, timid girls who look cute rather than hot. For some reason i always fail to date those girls.
Lucas Gomez
It's because you have an unhealthy view of sexuality and what makes a woman a woman, and a man a man. Reserved, publically "moral" women are typically the most sexually promiscuous and experienced. The can smell your inexperience from a mile away and there's nothing more unattractive to a woman who doesn't hate sex than a man who hates women who like sex.
I don’t really feel that’s totally the case. Frankly I ‘expect’ girls to be attracted to me because of my looks, which works out ok but I’m not so good looking that personality doesn’t matter at all.
I mean I do generally act ‘nice’ because I’m a respectful type of person but I don’t act totally agreeable, I usually feel/act kind of standoffish like I put interest in but also seem like I’m not worried about not getting with the girl, if that makes sense.
Is this ‘pickup artist’ stuff or actually valuable material?
Tyler Stewart
>Is this ‘pickup artist’ stuff or actually valuable material? a bit of both but mostly the latter.
Michael Price
Sounds to me like you experienced a miniature implosion when this girl expressed that she no longer wanted to go on a date with you. That irrational sense of entitlement is a trait that uniquely belongs to nice guys.
Bentley Davis
I have read a summary of it online, I’m not sure if I’m exactly the right criteria.
I mean I have seen (and still do) see a therapist (I have never taken or needed meds) which has made an immense difference in regards about how I feel about myself. I don’t feel that I need women to make me ‘happy’ though obviously I still desire sex and intimacy. I know as it has in the past that regularly seeing a girl and being intimate leaves me feeling more satisfied overall (as it should for any guy).
I feel pretty confident in myself and that I shouldn’t to have change or suit myself to women. I have a good career, genuine hobbies and workout a lot. I am genuinely appreciative of what I have.
I feel that overall I am in a pretty good place mentally, physically and where I am in life.
The main problem I feel is just that I feel reserved in general, not sure how to about changing that. I guess it’s just a matter of getting out of my comfort zone and trying. But I still don’t feel like I am great with ‘banter’, flirting type of stuff
Andrew Wood
Absolutely this. I met my first true love in the workplace coffee shop (I noticed her a few times in corridors before though): we exchanged looks, she smiled at me and I KNEW I had to talk to her. I was drawn like a moth to a flame...
Bentley Ortiz
It seems like you know on some level that you're not satisfied with the idea of living your life alone. But it does sound like you've avoided improving your social skills because you lack you're confident in your ability to socialize either. So my advice to you would be to put yourself out there and work towards developing your social skills. But don't do it for other people, do it for yourself. The positive reactions you'll receive from others will boost your confidence/self esteem, and snowball effect of positive change will follow. You would ultimately be doing this for your future self, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't forget to convey yourself in a way that accurately reflects who you are as a person, otherwise you might just end up trying to be somebody that you're not.
David Wilson
Sorry for the msg above, sent it before editing.
Jace Martinez
>It seems like you know on some level that you're not satisfied with the idea of living your life alone.
Definitely true. I am ok alone at the moment but I definitely don’t see myself being ok like this long term.
>But it does sound like you've avoided improving your social skills because you lack you're confident in your ability to socialize either.
I honestly feel that my social skills are better than I think, not saying they’re super amazing, but not to point where they would be a hindrance. People generally tend to like me and seem to enjoy my company.
But I definitely think you’re right in that I have lost confidence in my ability to socialise (with women). Mostly through lack of use and maybe small negative experiences I have somehow ‘tricked’ myself into thinking I am bad at socialising when really I’m not. The problem is that at this point I hardly even try which my mind conflates to being at bad social skills, when it’s not the skills are the issue, it’s the confidence to try. I have had positive experiences approaching women before but not recently.
Not to say that I can’t improve my social skills either, but I think the bigger picture is getting myself back into a place where I have better self belief.
>Just don't forget to convey yourself in a way that accurately reflects who you are as a person, otherwise you might just end up trying to be somebody that you're not.
Definitely right about this, I think through therapy I have found a way to feel more comfortable about being me and not feeling that I have to act a certain way or kind of pretend to have a personality that isn’t really mine. I can see that the true way (for me) is through genuine self improvement, rather than building up some sort of character.
