I don't know what I'm looking for here. I don't know what I'm asking...

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I don't know what I'm asking. I don't know if I want someone to help me solve my problem, to stop me from killing myself, or to push me into it. I just know I need to vent, and it'd be nice for some total stranger to hear me. If that's crazy or stupid, then I mean, whatever.

It's kind of hard for me to explain. I don't know where to start, and I want to keep this as short as possible, but. I've been dating and living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. Before him, I had never had a out of high school relationship. But as we're getting older and coming to terms with adult life, dating someone for the first time, etc, I'm not so sure how much I want to do this. And I don't mean I don't love him, I do, I love him so much. But I feel like this isn't the relationship I signed up for- This isn't the man I fell in love with. I'm so lost with my whole life, with my mental health, with everything. I go from chanting that I'll starve myself, to almost downing a bottle of pills because I ate some dry macaroni. I'm so unstable I feel like the littlest things make me break down, and I'm afraid I might actually be abusing my boyfriend. I love him so much, but I don't think anyone's lives are benifiting from me being here. I really want to just go away- Go far enough that no one knows where or who I am, and then just kill myself. I'm just so lost. I'd be nice if someone could listen.

Attached: tumblr_pccazdldbD1x81yuko2_500.jpg (468x469, 22K)

Other urls found in this thread:


Sorry to hear your problems. Im not really understanding the root of your problem - the thing that stems it.

Killing yourself is a bad solution to any problem. There are a million better ones for just about any problem.

Anorexia is something that I'd recommend you get help for. Probable addiction, definite depression though SSRIs don't necessarily fix depression if it stems from life issues (relationship, depression, OCD/anxiety behaviors and anorexia) - so going that route may not be best.

If you provide some more details I can try to help more.

What is different about him than what you expected?

You definitely shouldn't kill yourself but maybe getting away breaking up wont be bad try to get help for yourself first before even caring for him since you're not in your best right now, get some professional help and then talk to him and to anyone else who you want but please get some help and save yourself first

Do you have family or friends you could reach out to or possibly live with in light of a break-up?

I’d read the whole thing, Yes it is nice to have people to listen but you need to stop for at least a minute and don’t do anything and just think.

You should tell your boyfriend that you aren’t in love with him and you want to stop the relationship.

You should start doing productive things and organizing your plans for the week and future so your not all tangled up. We can’t necessarily help you here unless your willing to do so.

Because instead of sulking about your bad descions in life you should start living up to them and face them full head on.
If you can’t do that we cannot simply help but just say comforting words that will only help for so long.
But if you really think killing yourself over things that are easily fixable In many ways then you should rethink.

this is a good place to find people to listen.

Becoming an hero really isn't a good thing to do. There's a bunch of people here who like to listen and share opinions or whatever.

Personally, I've been thinking that just having a healthy life and stuff has made a lot of difference. I usedto be a neet and that shit sucked ass, just sitting inside all day and not getting out and stuff

What kind of relationship do you expect?

I am going to try and tell my whole story, because fuck it, I need to vent. I will answer any replies at the end, or maybe throughout. I dunno. I'll get started.
Part 1.
My mother was deaf since she was born. My childhood from birth to grade 5 was a mixture of her cheating on my father with me in the other room, and them fighting. All I remember seeing was her smashing dishes, and him just screaming. I remember a time where he held up a bat to her, but he says she made that up and convinced me it was true. I'm not so sure. Around grade 5 she moved out, and took us from place to place, until my dad took us back. But living with her included some time in a house for abused women, and then a welfare home where our only entertainment was a tv that didn't work or plug in, and a couch, in a windowless basement. At on point we got cats, (We being my older sister, btw), and the cats, being so bored, started to scratch holes into the walls. We went to school for about a week, before our dad took us back home. We lived with him from there on out.
I was the bullied kid in school. Yada yada, I was weird, emo sob story. It was pretty average bullying in elementary. I obviously stood out- Having your parents split up can fuck you up. Middle school came and those three years were probably the fondest in my mind. I was skinny and developed before the other girls, which made me popular. I felt like I knew who I was, even if it seems cringy now (Invader Zim, purple hair). It was dumb and childish, but it was innocent and fun. Middle school as nice.
High school was not. Some backround to this- As happy as I was in middle school, I had some mental health issues coming to surafce. Ie, cutting, depression. Looking back, I think it was heavily hive minded stuff- When I was in middle school it was cool to cut. We used tumblr. We were stupid.

Part 2
But high school. I was put on medication to help calm my mood, but it made me gain weight. At 5'1, I went from around 80lbs to 200lbs in about a year. I can't really remember how this affected me. I think I either didn't really notice how disgusting I was, or I forced myself to ignore it. Anyway, I went on to get a boyfriend. We dated for about three months. It was mostly innocent- Dumb teenage kids. But a point came to where he assaulted me. Keeping the details simple- He forced me to allow him to finger me, and then give him oral in my bedroom, with my door open, while my father washed dishes downstairs. I have a lot of regret about this, because I knew I could of made a single sound and my dad would of came, but I was afraid and ashamed. It is what it is.
We broke up. The school told me to keep it quiet. My dad became an alcoholic. Started picking fights with me when he was mad over nothing. As a moody teenager, yeah, I stoked the fire, but he always lit the match. He would smash my laptops just because he felt like it, or threaten to have a police officer look through my phone to see the 'lies I was telling about him.' Pushed me around a few times, spit in my face a few times.
I ended up dropping out of school. Lived with my dad. Relized I was fat. Said, oh, I'm a lesbian. Nah, I'm a trangsender man. Relized that was all bullshit a few years later. Starved myself down to 120.
I'm sure I'm missing some things, but my life was mostly uneventful until 2018.

Part 3
I started taking a part in a local youth group. I met a nice guy there. We went on a few dates. I couldn't tell if he liked me, because he never even tried to hold my hand. That kind of faded. My mom won the lottery. Like, a big lottery. Didn't hear from her in a while.
January 2018 came. I had tinder. I was on a skype call with two internet friends when I matched with this guy. His pictures were all funny, and I said out loud to my friends that "This guy was my soul mate." We started texting. Talking. Got to know each other for two weeks. His friend drove an hour or so to pick me up to spend a date with him in his city. Packed a bag because I knew I'd have to stay the night. Never went home again.
I basically moved into his apartment the first day we met, but it had some reasoning. He lived pretty far, and neither of us could drive, so I had to stay the night. And then he was having a party on the weekened, so I might as well stay for that. And then it came to if I went back home, we'd probably never see each other again, and we both had a gut feeling that this was something important.
We had our first kiss a few weeks in. Febuary came and he proposed to me for valentines day. We promised to tell no one because they wouldn't understand, but we knew it was true love. God, this is so stupid, I know.
Febuary was the best time of my life, though. I felt so in love with him. Honeymoon phase, yeah, I get that, but I felt important. I never had any real life friends or any family before him. He introduced me to so many friends and his huge family. I belonged somewhere, and he loved me so much. Later in the year, my grandfather passed. My boyfriend got me flowers. For Easter I woke up to some candies and orange roses- My favorite color. He had a bit of a motto- He would never put me before his friends or family, but equal, as he loved them all. I thought that was nice.

You need to realize to things

1) The "one" doesnt exist
2) The honey moon phase always ends

So your seemingly 'fall out of love' is common and natural. Dont break up because of that, only break up if you dont see a viable future with him. But, that comes back to the first point. You also shouldnt believe you can do better with someone else because it will always go down the same path. You need to approach this with a mature mindset and determine if you can enjoy their presence or not.

Part 4
He didn't want me to get a job. He was afraid I'd cheat on him at work. When he worked, which was an overnight job, I had to be on the phone with him until I went to bed. He made me swear things pretty often and heavily. He said he had anxiety and trust issues. He was fucked over before. I understood, I had my own issues.
We started putting out my resume's as we needed more income. I got an interview at a job, and after talking to the lady she wanted to hire me right on the spot. I was so happy. I said I'd be in the next day, and I went home to tell my boyfriend. He freaked. Granted, I had promised him that I would tell the lady 'I'd think about it', but when she had a pile of resume's, and wanted me then and there, I wanted to take the chance before I lost it.
He went to work that night, and I went to sleep before my first day on the job. He called and texted me all through the night, crying because of his anxiety. In the morning I called my new job and made up an excuse not to come. They never called me back. We never spoke about it again.
I got on unemployment. Things were good for a while.
One day I filed my unemployment a day late. So we didn't get the cheuqe the day we expected, and had to wait out the weekend. Got into a fight. Don't remember much. He tore down a poster, punched things, and grabbed me. I got scared and ran. Walked a few miles. Contacted a friend. Got his mom's number. Told his mom as he was threatening to kill himself. I didn't want to deal with it, but I didn't think he was serious, so I didn't call the police. Asked my dad if he could pick me up. Boyfriend started to calm down in texts. Told my dad I was fine. Went back to my boyfriend. He aplogized. Told his mom I took his words wrong and he never threatened suicide. Told anyone who asked that his hurt knuckles were from beating a guy up at the bar who harrassed me.

Part 6
After the resent fight where I walked away and then came back for my phone, we did talk, and decided that we both had to make the effort to make things better. Things were okay for a while. I had a little more freedom. I get to sit in a different room than him when we're just chilling, I can do other things while he's at work, etc. We were happy for about a month.
But I realized that I was feeling unloved. Not that the honeymoon phase was gone, no, I understood that it happens, but this, I think, is different. He said he would never put me before his family and friends, but it seems like they are always put before me. We never spend any time together, go on dates, etc. And I know this probably sounds like an annoying girl, but, I dunno. It just seems like he works, sleeps, plays xbox with friends, hangs with friends, works, sleeps, again and again. And I'm fine with those things! I'm a gamer, I love my alone time, it's not a problem in moderation. I just wish that maybe even once a month, we could have a date. We don't even have to spend money. Just watch a movie together. Sleep in the same bed. Have him kiss me without going "Nah I don't want to make out" After two seconds. Have him feel at all in love or attracted to me.
I once told him that money didn't matter- It's the thought. If he bought me fake flowers from the dollar store it'd mean just as much as real roses. I often leave him love notes in his wallet or the like. He answered this with going to a big city, spending all his money on me, and then being upset that he didn't get anything for himself. The things he got me were nice, but all I had asked him for were two pillows, and then to treat himself to something. I was greatful, yeah, but he decided that spending all his money on me meant I had to be off his back for a while. Like I'm a sim and my affection meter is at max, you can go do what you want for a month.

Waiting for the whole thing before I say anything.

Part 7
I'm sure I'm complaining. I'm sure I sound stupid. But it hurt. I had days where I was depressed and crying, and just wanted to talk to him. He would always shut me down, but if a friend called him needing help, he was there for them through everything. Anytime we fought and I cried, he'd scream at me to stop until I did. I cry very easy, so this is one of the worst things.
I've been trying to see what I've done to cause this lack of affection and care. I gained some weight, so I figured I'd lose it again. He hated that idea. I hate my fat body. I've been trying to control my meltdowns. I got better. But earlier today I was a bit overwhelmed and was snappy with him. I know that's wrong, but I apologized later. I'm working on myself. I know that doesn't make me okay. But I'm trying.
He went on a rant about how he can't live because he's constantly in a bad mood because I beat him down over nothing. Like I'm abusing him. I thought that was crazy, but now I'm not so sure. He's stressed because he can't afford christmas gifts. He just had a falling out with a friend. He used his last bit of money to buy smokes to calm down even though he's been trying to quit for a year.
And I just, I don't know. I know we've both made mistakes. Maybe I have more than I've noticed. Maybe I'm abusive and playing the victem. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
I know his life has gone to shit since I came into it. So maybe I could just... Leave. I still love him, but I'm 21. I don't want this drama forever. I can't deal with the backstabbing, the lying, everything terrible everyone does to each other. Friends cheating on each other, lying, fighting, every night someone else is crying suicide. I just don't want to do this anymore, it's exausting.

Yo OP, there's 2 types of advice I like to share
1. Sometimes you need someone to say that's fucked up and simply listen and that shit is fucked up
2. You gotta get some shit together. You seem to have some desire to continue being or hell, maybe just some sentiment keeping you here. You seem to be dealing with a bunch of issues coming from a bunch of people and I think you need some time listening to yourself yknow? I know this reply will come premature but I may add once I see thing. Take some time to yourself and evaluate what's going on. Dissatisfaction in family life, dependency on someone who's not really there, I don't know what solution is right for you. Fuck I wouldn't mind being a friend or trying to be. People suck and you have to come to terms with that. Doesn't mean stop trying, just means try to find better people.
I'd recommend taking a walk somewhere and thinking about whether or not you really want to die. It can help. Take a listen to some nice music. Find beauty when it's there. Find someone to talk to OP, lonely world.

Also I don't know what type of music you listen to but you may appreciate this:

Part 8 - Additions
I forgot to put in a recent fight. I saw his phone had a snapchat message from his ex. (The big bad ex that he was with for the longest, who was terrible, who all his friends cut off) I asked what she said. He said it didn't matter and locked his phone. I was like, 'Why can't I just see? The one message?' He blew up in defence, saying I didn't trust him, yada yada. I see snapchat texts from her often. He says they don't really talk. He's allowed to check my phone and read all my conversations, but the second this comes up I'm not allowed to see a single message, and he 'Hasn't asked for my phone for a while'. (Yeah but he asks me what I'm doing on it constantly and makes me 'Swear on this relationship' that I'm not doing anything else) I don't want to go through his phone, I don't really care. But this girl, just months ago, he would call down the the lowest low. Now after meeting her in a store and chatting for a bit, they talk every day. I mean susoicious, right? Expecially when he gets so defensive. "What are you talking about?" "Idk nothing."
I hate to add this because it makes me seem like a douche, but. A while ago we stopped sleeping in the same bed. Basically, I'm a light sleeper and breath or heat wakes me. He likes to watch youtube while sleeping. We were both happy to sleep in different rooms. But we stopped having sex all together. Earlier in the realionship, I promised I'd never masturdbate as that would turn him off. Recently he said I could, because he didn't want to have sex. As long as I didn't watch porn and I thought of him.
I think that's about it, unless I think of more. I'll reply to people now.

Also your relationship seems to be dying, trust issues and a breakdown in communication and intimacy destroy a relationship. Talk about stuff?

The situation was explained below.
Not going to kill myself. Tonight, at least.
Any medial or mental health care is off the table for me.

I feel as if he sees me as an enemy and not a player 2, to put it blunt.

Not going to kill myself now. I have no money or no place to live if I leave him. Professional help isn't an option.

Nope. Anyone I know was his friend first and would cut me out if I left him.

I do love him. I know that it can be put that simple, but I don't know. It's hard to decide what to do when I don't know what to do.

I love our relationship. I just want the drama and fighting gone, I don't want to feel controlled, and I want to feel loved and desired and not like an enemy in the house.

I get that, but you should read on.

I don't think I want to die. I think dying is the easy way out and I no longer care if I'm a coward. I think I have no idea who I am as a person, and it's scary. I'm my boyfriend's girlfriend, and that's it. I'm stupid and ugly and look like a boy. I'm the butt of everyone's joke, and the untrusted one. I have the weight of everyone who's done my boyfriend wrong on my shoulders. I'm a kid in a grown up's body. I'm scared.

Probably the only person in your life who didn't start out treating you like shit wound up doing just that. I agree with the other poster, get your shit together and drop him like a hot rock. It will be very hard.
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. You are not allowed freedom in a relationship, it's a partnership of equals. He's no good for you and you're easy pickings because you're apt to develop strong attachments to anyone who isn't, at least initially, a total piece of shit to you.

Regarding the last one
That's a fundamental flaw gonna be frank. Dying isn't the easy way out, it's everyone's eventual way out.
What do you enjoy OP, what are your ambitions? There's no shame in trying to live a life where stuff just doesn't suck anymore.
As long as you're working to make yourself better you aren't stupid, as long as you're trying to gain understanding you have something that makes you beautiful, and you probably don't look like a boy OP.
Don't take people's shit. You aren't a joke you're a person and you should only hang with those that treat you as such. As for trust no one is going to trust you if you can't trust yourself.
It's ok to be scared and you're still pretty young, it takes some people a long time to grow up. Be your own person OP, you'll get there.
Your relationship may be nice when it's going well but considering recent stuff it's not. There's a fundamental problem there as well. Do you love him or the relationship? Because a relationship is a rad thing when it works out but rn it doesn't seem to be.
Take some time and think OP

I think there's always more to a story, I don't believe that one person is evil and the other is good. I am sure I've been just as bad to him, but of course I don't mean to, and don't see it that way. I'm sure that's how he feels. He has anxiety and anger problems. I'm not going to drop him over that. It's just this fear of not knowing. I'm so afraid of what I don't know.

I don't have anything that makes me, me. I'm the most bland, cookie cutter person you could ever meet. I guess I'm like the irl comedic relief- I'm only relevant when someone wants to crack a joke about me because the conversation is getting dull. Everyone is always laughing at me, not with me. They think I'm too dumb to notice. I can't really call anyone out though, because I am dumb. I can't have a verbal fight- I'm too stupid to fight my point. All I am is my boyfriend's girlfriend. I'm ditzy and stupid. An airhead. I look like a boy. I'm fat and gross. I like candy. My voice is annoying. I;m not funny. I should shut up.

I do love him. I don't love what I think he can be, I love who I've seen him be. Our relationship is flawed but can be fixed. But it feels like a wrench is between us. We can't trust each other. It's us against each other, and it feels so wrong.

You're shutting your own personality down to reinforce his and he isn't doing you any favors for it. You're putting all the work into this and getting nothing back except bullshit and anger. He can't even buy you a gift without making it about himself. I get that both of you have issues, but his control over you isn't healthy for anyone.

he doesn't treat you like an equal, these kinds of things don't just change in a matter of a few years.

That's some stupid shit and I've heard a lot of shit. No one is cookie cutter. No one is bland. Your self perception issues worry me. Do other assholes really merit your attention? Do they enrich your life? It's okay to like stuff and it's okat to be flawed and pursue pleasure. Not made into some warped precedent for which you view yourself through a shame filled lens.

You can fix it and I hope you do but there are problems there that I'm not sure you have the means to work through.

If you're down maybe we could play some chess and talk? Wonderful game.

I know.

I'm willing to put the effort into changing it.

I don't know how you'd expect we'd go about doing that.

Chess.com accounts I would expect.
Regardless of my desire to play some decent chess you can accomplish stuff youngin. You got this life thing. I know it's hard but you're on the right track.

Okay, so what exactly are the issues at hand here?

>Unstable mood
>Body dysmorphic disorder

Are you capable of putting everything you have into working a job?

The largest issue with your relationship at the moment is that you are dependent on him. I think this is the core of what is poisoning your relationship. It's not that it's bad to rely on others, but your boyfriend clearly has his own issues that need to be worked out as well. The issue is that neither of you can get away from one another, so you're just bashing each others problems over your heads.

How close are your friends?

It can be uncomfortable to ask, I understand, but if you were able to surf couches for a few weeks to get a job down, and room until you can get on your feet, I think it would put you in a much better position to begin solving these problems.

Work with me, here. Forget what you can't do, and what you don't have. That isn't important, those are useless facts. What DO we have?

It is OK to not be in a relationship. Focus on building your own life and your own career.

Most importantly, there is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem. Go see a psychologist. Hide nothing, no fact no feeling and you will be cured.

Stop sacrificing yourself, and start living your life.

>Any medical or mental care is off the table for me

That's your first problem.

Sounds like you had a rough upbringing. My dad was an alcoholic as well (still is, don't really communicate with him anymore though).

I'm gonna be honest:
Your issues within your relationship are superficial. You need to deal with issues from your past, trauma, parents, etc, and love yourself before you can understand what it means to love somebody else.

This means putting the work into actually healing, and that often means seeing someone to talk to in a controlled environment.

I'm glad you didn't kill yourself last night but the feeling can get overwhelming (trust me, I'm sure you've experienced it too) and at that point it can be too late.

Death is the end of life, experience, everything we *know* - it doesn't solve problems in our lives because we aren't necessarily around to experience the relief of problems being solved. So as far as "solutions" go it isn't a viable one. There's a whole existential line of thinking about suffering and the experience of being human that leads a deep thinker to understand this - but that's not relevant to you now. The only thing that is is above.

Go to a hospital and or call a doctor and say you have severe depression. I was once suicidal but didn't do it and my life 180'd after getting on antidepressants. It's something you're going to have to do at this point. You may still be in love with him and he should support you no matter what or he shouldn't be your husband. I know how tough it is living in a situation like that because I have suffered through depression. I also know what it's like to be in a dead relationship. She claimed she wanted to marry me 3 months in, a month later was suicidal, so I supported her for 4 more months doing everything I could to be there for her. She got institutionalized, came home 2 weeks later from the hospital fine, and then cheated on me 2 weeks later. It was nuts and I had even proposed to her after he always saying she wanted to marry me. She admitted it. I went from care taker to perhaps genuinely in love. The point here is that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost to go anywhere in life. Just google a suicide hotline or something similar to a crisis hotline and they will go to you and have you overnight to be analyzed by a doctor for free. They will get you the medicine you need, don't give up. I will pray for you.

Attached: th (3).jpg (474x266, 24K)