My wife and I have been virgins up until marriage. I thought that once we got married we would be having sex... at all. We haven’t had sex once. We’ve tried several times, probably about 10, but she never gets turned on and we kinda have to stop and she’ll give me a handjob. The concept of oral (no matter who is giving) she says is too gross and she’s not ready for. Honestly, I think I’ve initiated every sexual (even before sex) encounter we’ve ever had. And pretty much every time we start making out she will claim to either be tired, get irritated (frustrated sighs and all), or flat out say she can’t do sexual stuff tonight.
Now that I think about it, she’s never shown any attraction to anyone outside of me, and there’s been a lot of times I’ve felt insecure because I didn’t think she was attracted to me either. And multiple comments she’s made over the years now kinda make sense...
I feel kinda trapped and lied to. But I love her so, so much. I’m sure that if she knew she would have told me. But it’s been 6 months of marriage so far and my body feels restless. She also says birth control makes her feel even lower sex drive.
Just out of curiosity: why did you marry your wife before having sex?
Cultural? Religious? Other reasons?
I don't know if I've heard of birth control lowering sexual drive very often. Often it neutralizes and placates the normal turbulent hormones of women. It sure did in my girlfriend's case. However, I am only offering small anecdotal information so you should dig into that more yourself.
Some people do not have sexual needs; this is a result of their biology and environment. It is part of their personality/temperament as a human being. If sex is important to you, which is completely natural, you should have been having intercourse before committing to a marriage.
Your wife sounds like a nightmare(sexually speaking) to me.
Real advice: Go to a sex therapist.
unironically rape her. you showing yourself as a brutish, masculine man taking what he wants (her body) and her being unable to stop you will flood her basement, so to speak.
why would you marry her?
>marrying someone you haven't had sex with man what the shit lol
Our reasoning started as religious earlier in our lives, but we both independently came to a conclusion on our own that we wanted to save ourselves for our marriage partner, not have to worry about STD’s, and also keep casual relationships less of a priority in our lives. I mean, we talked about having sex once we were married, not in detail, but now it’s just not really happening...
Legit didn’t know this is a thing. What kind of stuff do they do? Have you had experience with one?
What I take away from this is to work out more, be more “manly” so to speak. Definitely not gonna rape her.
She’s honestly my best friend and we’ve been through a lot together. I have no problems spending the rest of my life with her, even without sex very often or anything. I’ve loved her for years and I won’t stop, I just would also love to have sex with her as that’s a way I’d like to express that to her.
>Religion. Yikes.. Yeah, religion is the medicine of the ignorant, my dude.
>STD worry The correct term is STI. Also, if you're both virgins this isn't a credible worry. Use your head, man.
>Talked about having sex once married How young are you? Or did you not realize she was mind-gaming you and you were eating it up like a puppy dog. My assumption is she just wanted the "Status name" being married offers.
>"Oh, yeah, I'm married." Are you in your early 20s? If so, I don't think your marriage is going to last. You kids jumped the gun on it. If you're older maybe you are mature enough to go seek therapy and get help.
When people talk about things as central to a relationship as SEX and then don't follow through on your talk it is a big red flag.
There is scientific evidence where a lack of sex in long-term relationships is extremely detrimental to both parties. If she doesn't want sex with you, there might be something wrong with her biologically speaking. Get her checked by a doctor.
>What kind of stuff do they do? You and your partner go in together and talk through your issues with the help of someone who has spent decades talking to couples about their sexual dysfunctions. Like all group therapy, it's a blame-free environment, and it'll help to sort out any miscommunications the two of you are having that are exacerbating (or causing) your inability to get together in bed.
And my feeling is that miscommunication is at the heart of your issues. She probably thinks you want or need things that she doesn't know or feels herself incapable of giving you, and as such, sex for her has become a negative experience - a chore, even. And even if you sit her down and try to tell her in calming tones that it's okay, she'll probably have a hard time hearing you through her own expectations of sex and self, and you'll be suspect as a commentator because you're one of the intimately involved parties. A sex therapist will hear everything, and help facilitate communication by making sure each of you hears the other.
All that being said, no I've never gone to one. My buddy swears by his though, after the sex in his relationship disappeared a year into their marriage. I don't know the specifics obviously, but they're now in year five and he hasn't complained in a long time.
I'm going to college for this exact topic. I've studied the relationship of sex in long-term relationships. Modern science indicates that in long-term relationships sex is paramount to a healthy, satisfying relationship. There are thousands of studies. Some even conducted at my University. Research I recently applied to take part in.
It boosts intimacy, trust, communication, and emotional ties. Also, it relieves stress and boosts happiness. Sex is very powerful chemically and physically.
Keep in mind, I'm American so this is in the context of what role sex plays in a relationship in my culture.
So, no, I'm not ignorant. At least not in the context of the American culture where sex is a major topic in long-term relationships. Science doesn't lie.
>Science doesn't lie. Scientists do.
>science doesn't lie >I'm going to college for this I know what I'm talking about
You're a joke. Fuck academia and fuck science. Call me whatever you like. Call me whatever they tell you to call people like me. Anyone who says something like "religion is the medicine of the ignorant " is not worth discussing anything with . And no I'm not religious.
One more thing to add on to what I said here.
The correlation between sex and long term relationships boils down to this: Couples that report having a healthy sex life are happier, more prosperous, and last longer than those that don't.
I've observed many different correlations across a diverse amount of variables on the topics of sex and relationships.
Don't let your cognitive dissonance blind you, my dude.
The point is to marry the one person you will have sex with, degenerate. >religion is the medicine of the ignorant Please, fedora. Religion or no religion, the vast majority of people bumble around with whatever arbitrary preferences they have, and following them in many cases is wholly irrational. The thing is, in this case, regardless of the reason behind it, OP and his wife ended up doing the right thing. >Also, if you're both virgins this isn't a credible worry. That's his point. Wait and you don't have to worry. >Or did you not realize she was mind-gaming you and you were eating it up like a puppy dog. That's ridiculous, OP and his wife did everything right, even up to talking about sex without being reckless and engaging in it. >If so, I don't think your marriage is going to last. Statistically, they have much higher chances of lasting than you do, if you don't care about waiting.
>There is scientific evidence where a lack of sex in long-term relationships is extremely detrimental to both parties. "Extremely" detrimental, not so much, although a stable (marital) sexual partner is a factor in happiness. If they were older, this wouldn't be that much of an issue, but since they are young and of childbearing age, they should get it checked out.
This one isn't, at least not intentionally. The wording might be off, but the gist of what he's saying is correct, at least within the context of OP's marriage.
Some of my professors says bigot. Others say ignorant. The majority say those that prefer to keep their heads in the sand and not realize how things function because it doesn't fit their perspective in life. Don't ask for advice if you only want advice that pats you on the back. It's pathetic.
That sounds pretty perfect actually. I’ll have to check out who in town does that sort of thing. I guess it’d be better to ask someone who’s experienced that sort of thing, but, as you can probably tell by me never even hearing of this, I don’t know anyone who’s done it. I’ll ask around though. Thanks, this is very helpful.
Our religion doesn’t really have anything to do with it. We’re both mid to late 20’s. Yeah, like I said one of the main points of being virgins was to stay away from STI’s. Now we obviously aren’t worried about it and that’s nice. And yeah, I definitely believe that those statistics are true. That’s a big reason I’m asking about this.
>What I take away from this is to work out more, be more “manly” so to speak. Definitely not gonna rape her. This is good, but it won't be enough. I'm telling you, her feeling 'forced,' and 'powerless,' compared to you is going to get her.
Welcome to reality we call relationships “mates” for a reason You’re not better than everyone else because you lie to yourself about why you’re attracted to people
Grow up and learn what the hell you're building is
>i'm going to college for sex you and everyone else, that doesn't give you any credibility.
youre wrong. some people are just different .
dude this is a really bad reply and you just seem like some dumb kid
To be clear, I also believe this is true. Yet another reason I waited. I’m still honestly very happy I did wait.
OP, good on you for making it this far (present issues notwithstanding). I don't think I have to tell you this, but just in case, don't let anyone tell you to resent your wife for this. It's probably some kind of mental hangup that can be addressed in therapy--while "sex therapists" are a thing, do be sure to confirm they're the right kind for you--that is, someone who deals with these kinds of issues about sex itself rather than the hedonist "spice up the bedroom" types.
If there is a root issue behind your wife's feelings, regular therapy might help, too. If you don't know where to go first, my instinct would be to see the more general practice first, and then they can refer you elsewhere if you'd be better served there.
Finally, in the meantime, I strongly recommend staying away from the 'nonstandard' stuff your wife finds gross--while you know your wife far better than any of us anons, the best angle to approach this from my perspective (if you want to approach it at all before you find out more) would be to talk with her about her plans for family--if she wants kids, she's going to have to have sex.
Moot was right, you bloody poofters
>someone who deals with these kinds of issues about sex itself rather than the hedonist "spice up the bedroom" types This is a common misconception. No one billing themselves as a sex therapist through an accredited psychological or other medical practice is going to listen to your story, tap their pen on their clipboard, and then say: "Have you tried a threesome lol?"
OP could also try talking to their pastor (rabbi/imam/whatever) to see if he has any advice. They can act as low-rent therapists in a pinch, and some of them can be quite worldly and give good advice.
That's not what I mean. I mean that it's a well-known fact of the heavy leftist bent of social sciences, psychology and therapy included, so I'm cautioning against seeing a guy who believes certain things are problems when they aren't, or who will suggest "solutions" contrary to what OP and his wife want in the first place. For example, on this board it's a very common occurrence for people to suggest stuff like "if you're so insecure about X's partner count, you should take a break and bring yours up too". Don't even get me started on the amount of people who see literal whores for "experience" and "confidence".
All I'm saying is to make sure that OP and a therapist are on the same page as to what exactly the issues are.
>leftist conspiracy to undermine western values or something Oh. You're one of those.
Spare me. Go ahead and argue that the vast majority of university-educated people, especially in non-STEM subjects, aren't heavily left-leaning. Go ahead and argue that their typical values aren't going to be near the polar opposite of what OP's are. You're going to lose that argument, because it is a blatant rejection of reality. The New Left was in part predicated on "free love" ideology and its consequences, and it hasn't just not gone away, it's pervasive in academia.
Frankly, what I believe about "western values" is irrelevant to the question OP posed, which is simply about doing the best by him, his wife, and his marriage, and that's not going to happen if there is a fundamental disconnect in goals. I'm not automatically saying anyone who calls himself a "sex therapist" will be ideological, or even if he is that he'll be a bad choice, I am simply advising OP to know what they actually specialize in.
>Frankly, what I believe about "western values" is irrelevant to the question OP posed Yeah, one wonders why you even bother posting in Jow Forums threads that clearly aren't related to Nazism.
No STD if you're virgin and only have sex with another virging nigga
No I just know you frequently try to force your agenda into Jow Forums threads that really don't warrant it.
>thread about guy who waited until marriage and now is asking for advice to help his wife >implying this isn't exactly the kind of subject I spend 90% of my time posting about Find ONE instance in this thread, aside from this reply, where I posted anything related to whatever you think "Nazism" is.
So, OP sticking his head in the ground and cherry picking advice that fits his agenda is happening again? Gotta love 4chains
It isn't being forced down anyone's throat, you're taking offense to it because you're an uptight prick with very little to none self-insight about the world around you, and it pisses you off when your echo-chamber is upset.
The reality is, the answers to life's problems aren't black and white, never have been. We must call upon the wisdom of those who are scholarly, studied, and educated. I want you to prove to me that anything said isn't based on reality and cannot be used to deduce conclusions about how OP should take steps to improve his relationship.
Go ahead. I'll wait.
>Advocating the traditional family/marriage Well he already has that, so other than ranting about cultural marxist therapists what else do you have to say?
My echo chamber? As a lefty on Jow Forums?
All Literally Hitler said was to be distrustful of a sex therapist because of a leftist conspiracy, not very helpful.
>trust me guys a sex therapist will try to push a political agenda instead of doing what he's supposed to, trust me
You, as a lefty in general, exist in a state of perpetual acceptance because you know that your views aren't controversial nor are they new. Jow Forums is an anonymous board where fringe ideologies thrive for the simple nature of its freedom.
>strawmanning Oh please, don't go on fallacious tangent, you insufferable tool.
Yeah and I'm literally a communist, so I suppose it's the horseshoe theory why we're both here.
>Strawmanning It's not strawmanning, he absolutely said to be weary of the therapist because of leftism. It cannot be a strawman argument if he actually said it you stupid, buzzword spouting prat.
Did you even read the thread? The only 'advice' he outright rejected was a shitpost telling him to rape his wife. You can even see in this post he asks further about an option he didn't know about, and then in he accepts it while thanking the person.
>ranting It's a valid concern--unless you'd suggest, say, a gay couple go to an evangelical church for marriage counseling service, then you have absolutely no basis to say these things don't matter. No, you dipshit, I said that since they will tend to be leftists (an absolute fact), you will also have some who don't regularly deal with the kinds of issues OP has, or who focus not on sexual hangups so much as "sexual fulfillment"--a totally different premise from OP's. I'm not even saying that a therapist shouldn't be trusted because of their leftism, that they are out to get anyone, simply that their difference in values may make it a poor fit for service. How you got anything other than that from my posts, I have no idea.
He doesn't have to do it consciously. Refer to my church example. Consciously or not, if the pastor offering the service believes in electroshock therapy, there is probably going to be some kind of disconnect in expectations. Even more directly, if there were an ambiguous term like "gay relationship healing", that could mean very different things depending on the values in question. No different with a "sex therapist".
For the last time, I am not saying that therapists are to be distrusted simply for being left-leaning. I am saying that, given the fact most of them are, it would behoove someone who isn't to check what their specific service is. If the therapist who can help his wife is leftist, it doesn't matter, since he can help his wife. That's the fucking focus, helping his wife.
No I didn't, mongoloid.
>No I didn't, mongoloid.
>No, you dipshit, I said that since they will tend to be leftists (an absolute fact) This has to be a wind up.
>Trying to cure homosexuality is in the same ballpark as trying to mediate a solution between a married couple
You're a fucking mug, just leave.
>medicine of the ignorant >Tips fedora
I know it's difficult for communists, but please try to understand demographic trends without decompensating and spouting unsubstantiated nonsense. How about you read the rest of the post: >I'm not even saying that a therapist shouldn't be trusted because of their leftism, that they are out to get anyone, simply that their difference in values may make it a poor fit for service.
For fuck's sake.
I'm going to go on a limb and say you're either underage or a very autistic person in his 20s.
Nothing personal, but you're probably as evil as you are naive
>Unsubstantiated nonsense What? Like how the therapist is almost certainly going to be left wing and therefore use their position to exert a political agenda to their patients?
>I'm not even saying that a therapist shouldn't be trusted because of their leftism, that they are out to get anyone, simply that their difference in values may make it a poor fit for service. So you should trust them, but just don't listen to them because their left-wings values would be in opposition to the right-wing values you presume the OP must have? I get the feeling that like Hitler, you fancy yourself a better tactician than you really are.
No one knows what the demographic is here because funnily enough the OP never cared to mention what his political leanings were while describing the very unfortunate situation he has with his wife. Politics only came into it when you arrived and started talking about hedonism and leftism.
He contradicted himself in a single post (not uncommon for Neo-Nazi types mind) and you're playing blind because you prefer his political leanings. Don't talk to me about being naive or evil.
And you're a left-leaning parasite, but that's irrelevant to the point.
Yes, it's in exactly the same ballpark, because regardless of intent involved, the difference in beliefs will naturally lead to a greater prevalence of certain methods in a given practice. It has nothing to do with a conspiracy, nothing to do with overt malice, it is a simple acknowledgement of fact. That same pastor may genuinely try to give advice based purely on compassion and healing the relationship, it's not a given that he will pull out a taser. It is simply more likely that the pastor will be coming from a very different angle than they expected.
It is not a given that a leftist will be a bad therapist for OP. However, it is statistically more likely that therapists, given their trend to leftism, will focus on areas not specific to OP's issue, and having a shred of reason would tell anyone that it is in OP's best interest to confirm what exactly they do.
This is nothing new.
> Like how the therapist is almost certainly going to be left wing and therefore use their position to exert a political agenda to their patients? Yes, exactly like that, because the only one who said this is you.
>OP never cared to mention what his political leanings were They don't matter, the fact is he waited until marriage and leftists overwhelmingly don't--it was a simple explanation. Stop getting assblasted over this tangential point.
When I'm in a relationship with someone, they can just have my body as a fuckdoll if they want it. I don't really need to be in the mood myself. I know "obligation" is an ugly word, but I do kinda have the understanding that you do have sexual obligations to your partner. Like, I can understand not wanting to put in the effort for a BJ or cowgirl or doing something extreme if you're not horny, but if your partner's horny and all you have to do is starfish or cuddle for a while while they get off using your body, that doesn't seem like much of a big deal. I'm the same way, though. Even if I'm not in the mood, if my partner's horny I'll still have sex with her. And I'll even put in the effort to do it right as long as I'm not too exhausted to move, but even then I don't mind letting my partner ride or suck me all she wants if I can't. I mean, it's not like it feels bad. I dunno. I'm not asexual, but I feel like if I was I'd still understand that my partner's got biological urges.
>contradicted himself in a single post Not sure if borderline illiterate or trolling...
But where are you getting this idea that politics will at any point become a factor during this couple's counseling? That they're better off going to a pastor who has no formal training in relationship counseling just because he'd be really well wishing that they can avoid divorce?
You're a paranoid lunatic if you really believe this. The therapist is a professional, not a commissar.
>Yikes >religion is the medicine of the ignorant >my dude.
I prefer the political leanings of logic and reasoning, and what defies logic and reasoning is people like you who like to pretend that they are right and justified for choosing your ideology because it hasn't been villainized en Masse by the media. You mean to tell me in spite of the hundreds of millions of piles of bodies killed from either a Machiavellian style political assassination or plain ignorance from the government's part, you believe that communism is in nature a plausible government in spite of numerous attempted and failures? You're a joke, and I fucking despise people like you
I wonder the same thing funnily enough. I understand your types actually prefer to be as incoherent as possible, because getting people tangled up in your own contradictory retardation is basically quicksand in front of you actually having to substantiate yourself or your ridiculous claims of conspiracy.
So I'm leaving this now because the OP is obviously gone since to showed up, but I'm sure you'll say something retarded in another thread real soon.
>where are you getting this idea that politics will at any point become a factor during this couple's counseling? I never said that to begin with, I said, bearing in mind general demographic trends, many therapists are likely to believe things which would lead them to offer a specific kind of service. It has nothing to do with ethics, and not once did I suggest politics would be brought into a therapy session proper, it is simply background information to explain why OP should look into what services a given therapist provides. If the therapist is an outright commie (hopefully at least somewhat more intelligent than you've shown yourself to be), but still offers a good service, then it doesn't matter, nor did I ever say so.
What would you have me do? Not explain any of my thought processes at all, simply dump a command on someone without telling them any of the reasoning behind it?
>That they're better off going to a pastor Now you can't even keep track of posts, let alone their content. That was , not me. I only used the word in a fruitless attempt to get you to understand a very basic fact, go ahead and use ctrl+f.
I think this speaks for itself, in light of my posts and your steadfast refusal to see anything but what you want to. Good day.
> right and justified for choosing your ideology because it hasn't been villainized en Masse by the media. And is the opposite true for you? You picked right-wingism just because it was villainized by the media?
I think it was more successful than fascism, I also think the world is in shit now because of right-wingism pretending to be centralist. I also believe that Communism had no negative aspects that don't also exist under Capitalism while also eliminating lots from the Capitalist west, like homelessness and inequality in gender and race.
>Says birth control lowers sex lust Can you drop that and get a non hormonal implant instead? Might help like 5%.
>communism had no negative effects
That's... simply untrue. In a perfect utopia, communism functions in a way that silences opposing views, promotes stagnance, kills off any free will, and makes a soulless husk of a nation. That's not even getting to the economics of why it would never in a trillion years work. >inequality in gender and race
How will communism fix that? By revising the facts and incorporating a system where no one has any desire to work or benefit the system?
Do you mean to say by clumping everyone together forcefully all our problems will be fixed?
Well golly, why haven't we done this yet
Godspeed and keep us posted, OP. I recently broke up with a girl because after a year i wasn't able to wait anymore, i loved her so much that her rejection of sex just made it too painful for me. 3 weeks later I'm crying myself to sleep and regretting it so much, so I'm glad you made it to this point and i want to know how things turn out for you, wishing for the best.
Communism isn't utopian though. It's the acceptance that when a society only truly works for the 1% and leaves the 99% in shit then it's probably not in most people's best interests.
>Silences opposing views Happens with Capitalism >Promotes stagnancy At least their jobs weren't given to poorer countries who are more exploitable >Kills of any free will Incorrect, free will is killed by economic fear that comes from losing one's job. You're more inclined to give up your free will to protect your job >Makes a soulless husk of nation But America is a shithole despite being the richest country in the world, at least Russia was a worse shithole pre-USSR compared to post-USSR.
Don't listen to this guy. He needs to leave Jow Forums and head back on over to /b/. Probably between 15 and 19, tops.
lmao so much for conservatism
Thanks, yeah I do want to visit someone with actual verified experience and reccomendations.
That’s a good idea, I’ll have to be very selective who I talk to though. At my church there’s a lot of weirdos. Trying to be a light in the darkness though.
Haha, I just have other things to do in my day. I’m thankful for every reply and consider this all (mostly) very helpful. Thank you.
Yeah, everyone’s gonna have different definitions of sexual fulfillment. I imagine a good therapist would work to help you find that for yourself, not by their own personal biases. Always good to be aware though, as people do push their biases unintentionally all the time.
I know some people I know have talked about this. She’s even brought it up before. I think us talking about it together could even help more with understanding each other’s urges and needs.
Thanks user. I’m sure you’ll find another. I’m not really a believer in the whole “soul-mate” thing, and there’s someone out there who is gonna treasure you and love you for you. I’ll have to come back somehow and say how the results go. This is obviously not gonna be a short process. Wouldn’t know where to post it though. Making a new thread about it months from now seems strange.
Right now talking about trying therapy (sex therapy more specifically as well), seems like a really good possible pathway. Really appreciate all the advice posted here, and any more will always be appreciated.
I’ll follow the link and see what that’s all about and get back to you in a minute.
This is my advice. Rape her as close as you (**legally**) can in your country. She's your wife, she's yours to have. It'll also activate her female instincts, she'll love you more, and love sex.
I'm going to pre-dismiss opposition to my advice as incels who don't understand female nature and the deal of marriage.
Sure thing. I'm very sorry for participating in making this thread a dumpster fire, but good luck to both you and your wife.
A few minutes turned into much longer, sorry, but that’s interesting. Not sure about it’s validity, but I’m sure that’s a possibility to think about going forward, especially when talking to a professional. Thanks for the input.