My father passed away suddenly Saturday night. We haven't spoken to each other in over two decades (yes I'm an oldfag). I'm his only son. He moved us to another state and cheated on my mother and left us when I was around 10, moving back to his home state and marrying the woman from his affair. The last thing he said (yelled) to me was, "you need to get a life!', over the phone when I was 15. I have older half-sisters (from his previous marriage before my mom) who are now posting all these photos of them together with him and his 3rd wife and her daughter from the man she was with before him. One of my sisters posted about how, "I know he loved his girls and his grandkids." In all their posts and announcements there's no mention of me at all. The youngest half-sister asked me to please come to the funeral. It's like a 5 hour drive to there. I'd be going alone and be among a side of my family that are basically all strangers to me who have rarely (some never) reached out to me. I'm really struggling on deciding if I should/want to go or not.
My father passed away suddenly Saturday night. We haven't spoken to each other in over two decades (yes I'm an oldfag)...
Just go Jesus Christ he helped make your life force user.
if you don't love him, don't go
Don’t go to the funeral. Go visit the grave in your own time or never visit. You don’t have to go to a funeral and cry to experience loss.
Don't do it for meaningless appearances. If you loved him all this time, go. If not, don't.
i wouldn't go
sounds like you don't want to go either
As someone with very similar experiences (havent seen mine in 13 years), I'd say go. The fact that you are doubting tells me there is a part of you that does want to go and that that part will regret not going. It might give much needed closure. You can always leave if you feel like it.
I'd say: Do it user, It will be the last time you get to see him, He made mistakes, and all that, but you can't judge him...that's what life taught me.
OP here, I'm kinda leaning towards this. Seeing their posts is already making me feel isolated and angry as it is. I don't know how much worse that will feel if I'm alone in a crowd of people.
>If you loved him go
It doesn't feel that simple to me. If it was it wouldn't be so conflicting.
If yours is still alive you might want to say what you need to say to him. I feel robbed of that.
You need to go.
I know you are full of feelings, and i know you dont want to go, and i know that you can come up with many reasons why you shouldnt go or dont need to.
But you need to because this is your only father and there will never be another funeral.
Go say goodbye, toss a note into the casket if you want.
Find a hospice support for the newly berieved.
If I've learned one thing in life, it's to always go to a funeral when asked.
Left me at 4yo and pretty much same as you (worse).
He'd a seizure or stroke and is in a home.
I feel nothing.
In traditional Confucianism the concept of Filial Piety was a cornerstone. Duty to the family. I think this concept is existent throughout all cultures in one way or another, the Chinese just wrote it down the best. In this sense the reason you're troubled about not going is because, deep down, you think it's wrong to blatantly disrespect your father. It's not because you love your father that you should go, but because it's your duty as a son to go. You don't have to like it. Love has nothing at all to do with it.
>In more general terms, filial piety means to be good to one's parents; to take care of one's parents; to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home so as to bring a good name to one's parents and ancestors; show respect and support; display courtesy; ensure male heirs, uphold fraternity among brothers; wisely advise one's parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness; display sorrow for their sickness and death; bury them and carry out sacrifices after their death
>display sorrow for their sickness and death; bury them and carry out sacrifices after their death
It doesn't even say you have to feel sorrowful, just that you display sorrow, publicly mourn, and take care of the body.
And what of his duty to his only son (that he apparently always wanted) that he threw in the trash for secretary pussy half his age?
It's irrelevant to his own sense of morality. Morality is not a transaction. Father was an immoral wreck, but that doesn't mean OP should act similarly towards him, as that would make OP immoral too, and that would eat at him, lowering his quality of life, perhaps for the rest of his life.
That was and I am OP. You make a compelling argument.
wouldn't going there and being like OH YEAH HE WAS A GREAT FATHER 10/10 be immoral as well?
Don't go out of obligation. You're not obliged.
Suggesting you go, because you will never have this exact opportunity again. As an oldfag, you probably know that we often regret regret passed-over opportunities more than anything else.
If you go and it's awful, you can take that as confirmation of some negatives you've been uncertain about. You can leave, if you want. All you're really wagering is a long drive and some bad feels. Worth putting on the table, in my opinion. You're conflicted, and the best way to straighten out uncertainty is by facing it. The drive would give you plenty of time to think, if nothing else.
>this is your only father and there will never be another funeral.
>Go visit the grave in your own time
Agreeing with both of these. I think it's important that you either participate in, or take some action independently, to signify the conclusion of your father's life. If the other people involved in the funeral will most likely make it worse for you, some alternative solo act may be better. Whether you like the cordage or not, it's interwoven with yours, and tying up the loose ends (even only symbolically) is healthy. Just an opinion.
I'm sorry for what you've suffered and lost. Here's hoping you find peace in the days ahead.
I mean also the Chinese spent like 40 years drowning any female babies in a river or whatever, and some believe that eating eggsthat were boiled and soaked in the piss of little boys will grant you immortality.
He's not being asked to do that.
Well the Confucius user is saying that she should honor his father otherwise his ancestors will curse him or whatever.
Suppose he does go to the funeral, and he's asked to say a few words, then what?
Whether you feel it or not suddenly losing anyone is bad for you. I'd say attend the funeral OP, it may give you some closure meeting with the rest of your dad's family and hearing their experiences, they may even know something he wanted to tell you. Failing that visit his grave at another time.
Thank you, user. I appreciate your kind words and perspective. You hit the nail on the head about regrets. I'm fearful about how they will act towards me and how I may act towards some of them.
>Whether you feel it or not suddenly losing anyone is bad for you.
He's been figuratively dead to me for a long time. Now that it is literal, it is both painful and infuriating.
Been through something similar.
My adv/ would be not to go.
He is dead anyway, so there is nothing in for you or for him. If he was dying I'd say definitely go and try to fix shit and say goodbye and end in good terms. But that's not the case.
If you go there are high chances you'll encounter some cunt like behaviour that will fuck you up on the feels. Things like "I'm gonna miss him more than you user" and toxic shit that will make you mad.
>Things like "I'm gonna miss him more than you user" and toxic shit that will make you mad.
I honestly might start laughing uncontrollably if something like that were to happen. He's been out of my life the longest out of everyone. I could see some other cuntish behavior though, like not being mentioned at all during the service, or not being included. I see though signs already in what my sisters have posted on social media.
> like not being mentioned at all during the service, or not being included. I see though signs already
Not trying to tell you your business. I don't know these people well enough. But it's possible they know you have mixed feelings, and are giving you space to decide how to feel and how involved to be. It's possible they understand better than they are able to communicate. But you're the only one in a position to make that call.
Fuck this guy. He was an asshole that abandoned his child. Going to his funeral and pretending along with everyone else that he was a good dude isn't going to do you any favors. If you do go at all then do it for yourself. You needing something from this experience is the only reason you should possibly consider attending. Everyone else in your extended family can hold onto this bullshit fantasy about him being a decent person if they want but you aren't at all obligated to do that just because the dead beat croaked. The fact that all of them have completely left you out of the process and have only reached out to invite you isn't a good sign either. It seems to me like they invited you out of obligation. For some reason this seems a lot like my high school reunion. I never liked those people. I never knew those people. We haven't spoken since literally the day of my graduation. Why would I go back? Why would I sit around in a room and pretend like the time we spent together was at all meaningful or important to me? I dunno. I don't mean to make it about myself but that's just my perspective.
>I don't mean to make it about myself but that's just my perspective.
It's okay, user. I'm looking for opinions that are outside of my experience or emotionally connected to this because I don't really have people to turn to like that. The few people in my life would back me and try to protect me no matter what so it's good to see how others might react.
Thanks. I hadn't considered that at all.
Go to see him one last time. Give this part of your life some closure. If anyone asks you to do something there you dont have to do it, honestly it would be more insulting if I wasnt invited to the funeral
I am sorry for you loss,
People fuck up, holding a grudge against the dead will only inflict harm on yourself. I would go and try to obtain a sense of closure and peace with the past. Best of luck.
Go to the funeral, it's for your father, not your estranged side of the family.
I guess I might go. Thank you all!
He's your father and will only have one funeral. Go. I'm driving 9 hours for christmas for my living family. If not for him then for meeting the family. Be the better man.
Stop being a lying asshole. I'm OP.
Don’t go. Nothing good can happen
If you go, you make the symbolic decision to accept the good and the bad parts of life and, something which is really difficult but worth obtaining imo. Plus you get to see your sisters a little and catch up. I would go to get closure.