Where did I fuck up?

I broke up with my ex bf about 2 months ago. I always think I'm over him and then out of nowhere I feel completely crushed. We were together for 11months but good god I cannot imagine ever loving anyone like that again.

The thing is, we went our seperate ways because he just didn't love me anymore (and huh, I still do). There was no cheating or drama. However, I can't stop thinking that I must've fucked up. I could've done something better, more right and it would've been fine right? Did I gain weight (at most I got fatter for 2kgs), but if I were skinner would that fix anything? Did I text him too often? Did I want sex too often?

I made him cupcakes and chocolate mousse when we hanged out. Even a fucking cake for his birthday. It wasn't pretty but it was good. I made him an origami Millenium Falcon and Tie Fighter just because we both love SW and I thought it would make him happy. What did I do wrong /adv? I really want him back.

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Don't beat yourself up over it. If the magic's gone there's nothing you can do about it. That's what happened with my girlfriend and I and I learned about it the pathetic desperate way. He's not coming back.

Please be my girlfriend

But the magic would've stayed if I did everything right

Sorry user, you're just not him and I cannot be with someone if I am not over my ex. But your post is truly sweet.

I'm so desperate for answers. I mean, it has to be something, right? Anything. I can change, I really can.

No. At some point it stops being about what you did and more about how he perceives his soroundings. I kept on (and still am) beating myself that my gf of 6 years left me at a moment when it felt like everything was going great. She said she didn't love me anymore. There is absolutely nothing on this earth that I could have done to change this outcome. I'm thinking the same could be applied to your situation.

The only person who knows what went wrong is him. But keep in mind that it didn't just happen out of nowhere. He must have been pulling away from you for a while and you either ignored the signs or you weren't tuned into him enough to see what was happening.Still, I suspect you do know deep down on some level why this happened.

But if I could change how he perceives his surroundings?
I'm literally going in circles, I know, I know.

We talk every now and then and he himself said that he'd like to talk to me now and then because we did always have fantastic conversations about the wildest things, and then he also said he doesn't wanna talk to me because he thinks it's gonna fuck me up until I'm over him. But I keep thinking of him regardless of whether he's talking to me or not..

Also (yeah sorry I'm being lengthy but no one irl would listen to me) I asked him if we'd be together for new years to just hang out because I know he'll be alone and I will be too.. And I don't want to get stoned and drunk in my room all alone. And I just.. I feel so disgusted with myself. Ofc he said he doesn't think it's wise. I agree with him but then what's so much better with drinking and smoking all alone?
I just don't see any answers.

You weren't attractive enough

I wish I did. I dunno, honestly. I feel like there's many things that weren't perfect but in the end we got along. We didn't see eye to eye on everything, but it was hard to be tuned into him. We didn't see each other often, he put his job first and second. And despite that I was pretty patient becase I understood it was how he was raised. When we were together, it was good. Some times he'd be farther away from me, as if he just didn't want to deal. But how is that on me? I either backed up or I pushed, nothing seemed good enough.

I understand what you mean but I'm not a mind reader and I feel like I was always understanding and all that.

How can I change that? No money for surgery.

Do you want a comforting lie or an uncomfortable truth?

You're right, you probably could've done better, but you've learned from this relationship. There will be someone else, and next time you will get your happy ever after.

[spoiler]Believing there's a recipe to "get the guy" (or girl) shows your relationship is transactional. You're treating a person like a video game or a math problem, something to be solved if you just have the right combination to dial into them like a safe. That's not a healthy way to think. Sometimes you wake up and realize you don't feel a deep passionate love, and it's better to break it off early than get divorced 5 years down the line. People trying to get married when the spark is gone is why we have a 50% divorce rate.[/spoiler]

You can take better care of your appearance by getting fit and toned, moisturizing your skin, taking good care of your nails and hair etc. It won't make him come back to you but you will have better chances at finding someone else.

>What did I do wrong
You dated a guy that's too far out of your league and he realized he was selling himself short

Thanks for the advice, will do.

The uncomfortable truth gives me insight, so thank you. But I don't truly believe I can ''solve'' him. I'm just wondering if there was something on my part, and what.

He never said it was because of appearance. I believe when I asked him why he would've said if it was just looks, I would've survived that.

Your mind is going places that it would be best left alone. I trully understand you because I've been in your spot and I found that I should matter most for myself. Try and forget about him because you never will fully forget him but at least it will let you sleep at night knowing that you need to get a new pair of jeans in the morning than just going over the same path of beating yourself everyday for things that maybe were or were not in your control.

It's about more than just looks...how shallow are you? No wonder he got tired of you if this is how you think.

I don't think we were that different. How would you define ''out of your league''?
Usually people connect that with looks, that's what I went with.
There were differences in our occupations, but he was a few years older.
We got on well where discussions and talking were concerned, we were compatible in bed. We also had differences, but that's everyone.

How old are you and how old is he?

I'm 18, he's 23.

I wouldn't assume it was your fault in any way. But I can tell you that if he didn't see you often, put you third and didn't give you his full attention when he was with you, that was a clue. And you're right; you're not a mind reader so next time something like this happens, maybe ask the person what's going on and if they say it's nothing, just thinking about work, say bullshit! Cause yeah, that was bullshit. I can understand needing to work long hours but when you are together and he's still not with you, something is wrong. But it may not have been anything you did wrong.

You are too young for him... some people like younger partners, some don't. For your ages 5 years is significant enough and my guess is that he just wants someone more mature and his age. A partner who is roughly in the same place in life as he is, not some high schooler.

I think you're both right. I can beat myself up and ask strangers on /adv, but it's not like that will bring me anywhere. Worth a try, I suppose?

Yeah, maybe. I suppose I assumed we were still compatible because even some of his friends said he could be childish at times and we were pretty similar..

Being childish isn't the same as being young, immature and inexperienced.

That is true.
You seem to have some ideas regarding this whole thing, I'm guessing you're older?
What do I do now when I'm thinking of him and I feel like a useless shit, user?
I want to cry so badly eww

It's a waste of time to overthink a failed relationship. At the end of it all, you still don't have the person and you have the wasted time you spent thinking about them while they were out living their lives meeting new people forming new relationships. Love yourself first. That means, if you did your best, give yourself that. If you didn't then make sure to do better next time. In any case let gone people be gone and you keep walking on the path set before you.

But I feel like I'm gonna go fucking crazy if I don't know what the reason was

You are 18, this relationship wasn't serious by any stretch. Cry and grieve and then move on.

You just feel like that. Anchor your feelings to reality instead of the other way around. Burn off the excess energy in exercise, work or something that will improve you. Soon enough your body chemistry will normalize and you will be able to look at this "relationship" with more objectivity.

I did the same with my EX about 3 longs ago, we were together for 3 years but the spark went out. There was no more excitement, and sex became a chore for me although she was eager always. I felt so guilty but I just couldnt feel the same way about her. She was Japanese and at the beginning I had a thing for japanese girls like that kinky taboo and she was thicc, but when its on tap then it gets boring when the romance is dead.

Sometimes being too eager too takes the chase and passion of the relationship out. Let him come to you. Ghost him and find another guy to rub in his face.

I don't want to play the jealousy card and even if I did, he said to my face he didn0t care if I made out with someone else or was haging out with a new bf in front o f him. He was very apathetic regarding that

I don't think you did anything wrong, he just fell out of love.
It's sad but that happens, maybe he never loved you the same way as you loved him but now it doesn't matter.
That's the past, you've got to look towards the future.
This bullshit happened to me too about 4 years ago and only now I'm starting to move on.
I wish you the best, you seem like a caring person.

You will never, ever do everything right in your life because that would imply a perfection humans do not possess. Even if you would have managed to, chances are his decision didn't even depend on you, but rather on his own personal feelings. Emma Watson could be head over heels for me for all I care if I don't feel the same.

When I was in my 20's I wrote in a journal every day so my whole life was documented. Years later, I read the part about a relationship I had with this guy who broke my heart. I didn't understand at the time but rereading it with life experience, I saw exactly why. (And why we wouldn't have worked out)

I can try to make you happy and you could return the favor. You sound like the perfect girlfriend from your post. It would be awesome.

When someone breaks up with you, they have been feeling like that for months or even years. There's nothing you can do, only he can but he can only think that if you go no contact and move on. I know how you felt, my ex broke up me 4 months ago, same months as your relationship, and she told me she had no more feelings for me. I tried thinking of all the reasons why she left and how to get her back, but then you realized how stupid it is doing this over someone who left you and didn't try to tell you how they felt. You're still young, reflect on what you did wrong and how not to do that in your future relationship.

You didn’t do anything wrong it’s just that he wasn’t into your anymore, all you can do now is move on. Sorry user