It's not that I don't want children ever, it's that I don't want to lose my free time to look after a kid...

It's not that I don't want children ever, it's that I don't want to lose my free time to look after a kid. If my bf wants kids, that's fine by me as long as he's the one looking after them. Why does he expect me to look after them? I don't want to lose my time looking after a kid, I have more important things that make me happy unlike that. He's the one who wants them, he should be the one looking after them.

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It's going to be a full-time commitment for both of you. If you're not willing to give up your free time yet, then don't have kids. It's pretty much a fulltime job for both of you.

But he wants a child and I love him and I would love to make him happy by giving him his own child.
I don't care much for having children myself. For me it's kinda like utilizing my uterus for someone else's goals. I want to make him happy, but I don't want to end up trapped.

maybe you're not the right one for him

You shouldn't be a mother. Find someone who doesn't want kids.

Because in the past women have always done it so most expect that sort of thing to continue.

Just call child services if your BF starts to neglect it (which will happen within weeks after birth), then they'll take over.

I will never find someone as wonderful as him.
I only have a future of loneliness and misery without him. But I also have a future of regret and misery if I give up my life for him. I want to die.

Forgot to add - there's also a big chance of him dumping the kid with his parents if they're living nearby, so you might be spared from all-night-screaming altogether.

His parents aren't living nearby.

Daily reminder that you cannot compromise on having kids, you either want them together or don't, but you need to be on the same page or the relationship is doomed

I loved my ex but she was all
>I don't want kids, my career (lol) is too important to me
Now I resent her for her reasons for beraking up while realizing she did me a favor.
Good riddance

You think it was easy for your ex? She likely loved you but you were asking her to be miserable for you.

>likely loved you
According to her, no she didn't.
It "just stopped" after 3 years and then she pretended for one year while getting over me. And of course she never mentioned something was wrong.

Now that your heart is broken you are free

You sound young.
I'm young (22) too and I feel the same. But even in the past year as time inches on year by year, I warm up to the idea a little bit more.

Still i know it's a greater curse than gift, bringing a child into this world.

You also sound crazy as fuck by the way.

Tick tock goes the biological clock. Not to be mean but at least save some prime eggs in case you change your mind. You never know.

>I only have a future of loneliness and misery without him. But I also have a future of regret and misery if I give up my life for him.
Why don't you think about his feelings on this? He probably loves you and wants you to be the mother of his kids but you don't want kids, and that's ok. Consider letting him go so he can find a woman who wants kids and he can start building a life together with her with kids.
Then you can move on and have a ton of adventures and save so much money, pretty much your options are limitless. You'll both be happier in the long run

Giving him a child isn't like picking up a loaf of bread for him. This is a broken household waiting to happen. You 'both' need to be 100% fully ready and willing.
It will be tough and you will lose pretty much all of your free time, but this kid didn't ask to be born, so don't you dare neglect it.
Like the previous user said, you sounds young. This is going to be a life changing event that cannot be taken lightly. Is this something that can break up relationships? Yes, it happens constantly, but at least the suffering has to happen between two grown adults, not an innocent child who gets dropped in the middle of it.

If you are not 100% willing to commit to your child, then don't have children. You can always call upon babysitters / grandparents whenever you and your bf want a night out or just want to relax, but you need to be there for the kid 99% of your time.

Please don't bring a baby into this harsh world without being properly prepared.

I don't want to go on adventures, I love him and I want to be with him. I will never find someone else I feel so well with as him. I won't be happier in the long run, I could only be happy if I had never met him and stayed single forever or if I could be with him without having to sacrifice myself for the kids he wants, that is, he wants them he does the vast majority of the child raising. Like he were the mother and I the father.
I don't expect that to happen so I will never be happy.

At this rate I will never children.... sounds horrifying to never be allowed to have your own life anymore. Too bad I'm forced to sacrifice my happiness either way.

I'll change my mind when children stop being so needy and time consuming. I can't live with that. It makes me want to dump them on someone else and go "YOU deal with this."

Bump. Is it really not possible to make the father be the primary caregiver in your view?

> Why does he expect me to look after them?
Because until we perfect the artificial womb, birth requires both a male and a female.

Only if you're the breadwinner in the relationship

Nope. Don’t have a child if you think it will work like this.

It's possible but nobody is going to be happy

Yeah but after the birth the baby can be taken care of by anyone.

I can deal with that.

Do you think growing a child in you for 9 months is not going to have an affect on you? It's biologically changing your mind with hormones.

I don't think you should even if he wants to have kids, if you don't want to. It's only going to make things worse. He'll grow to resent you because you can't step up and take on the role you CHOSE by having the child. You can't go through with childbirth and say "Well we're together, but this is your responsibility."

What are you gonna say when your son or daughter keeps asking why mommy doesn't love him/her? Kids don't understand something so business-like as you are proposing.

The options are either he becomes okay with not having kids, or you become okay with having kids. Because having kids under this circumstance, is just gonna fuck up your relationship more.

Why not? It already works like this for men. They aren't required to give up on their videogames because the mother takes care of the kids anyway. I want the same for me with myself in the role of the man and the father in the role of the mother instead.

Actually, you should both be looking after any kids you have. This is a clear sign you should under no circumstances have a child.

>take the role you CHOSE
Woah woah woah. I choose to practically take on the role of the father who has never been burdened with childcare and nobody's ever complained about that. When the kids ask why doesn't mommy love them he can tell them the same things women have been telling kids for centuries when they ask why doesn't daddy love them.

Children aren't stupid. Please don't have a child if the only reason you want one is to my your partner happy. Children can easily tell when their mother/father resents them. They require care from both sides to grow up properly. You're just gonna birth another school shooter with your mentality, and then your husband will most likely kill himself for being "a failure of a father"

Stop being melodramatic. It's fucking pathetic.

> I could only be happy if I had never met him and stayed single forever or if I could be with him without having to sacrifice myself for the kids he wants

Well those aren't options. So your relationship isn't actually all that happy. Go get one that actually makes you happy.

Meh, children have been growing up with the father not being the primary caregiver for centuries. Why is it only a problem when I want some time for myself? This wouldn't even be an issue if I were a man.

A relationship where my SO is happy to take on the traditional mother's role and raise the kids himself while I take on the traditional father's role and work and keep my time for myself like men have always done in history. How likely is that?

If that's your view of how a family dynamic works, then You're a perfect father through and through. But he's never going to be okay with that. And if you have kids with him, you need him to be abundantly clear of what he's signing up for, which is no support from you. Not saying it to be a cunt, but he will want you to WANT to help take care of what is your child as well.

Well traditionally the woman is burdened with 90-80% of the childcare and the man helps for 10-20%. So I'm going to be generous and be okay with him doing 70-60% of the care and me helping out with the remaining 30-40%. I want my free time to be respected by him though.

Then don't have kids. Because you'll be wasting his time.

You shouldn't be doing anything as major as having children just because "he wants to". That's not a thing you compromise on. It makes or breaks a relationship. You're not going to get what you're wanting out of this. And you can't get mad at him later.

>You're not going to get what you're wanting out of this
And why not? Why shouldn't he be okay with this division of childcare? Do men expect women to give up on their lives for children the men themselves want? I don't want a man who wants that, I want a man who wants .

First off, this is pretty good trolling. Decently subtle. But I'm going to pretend that it's not.

I am a dad, in a largely traditional family. I work, my wife stays home and takes care of the kids and house during the day. You know how much time I have to myself? NONE. Because I'm always working, and when I'm not, I'm with my family. Because that's actually how being a father works.

Time spent working isn't an issue. Depends what work you do and how much money you make.
>when I'm not, I'm with my family
All the time? I doubt that.

You're not ready yet. Some day you'll probably spread legs for anyone just to have kids. Have some with one you really love.

I'm not saying he shouldn't be okay with that. But what I'm considering is that as time goes on, naturally he's going to feel like this really IS his project. That's why I'm saying they shouldn't even go through with it.

On paper, sounds great. But I highly doubt it's going to work on paper like OP wants. I'm not saying what OP wants is wrong, but just unlikely to happen. Emotions are going to complicate things.

OP here. He can either accept the conditions laid out to him or leave. If he accepts, he has no right to complain.

Who am I kidding, I know he's going to leave and I'll be alone forever anyway.

I hope I'm already infertile by the time dementia ruins me like that.

You should not have children.

So loneliness it is.
Tfw no bf.

He knows what he signed up for at that point, but it doesn't mean he can't be unhappy because of it.

I think it's best you two split, you obviously have two separate goals in mind. You don't want kids. He does. Nothing wrong with that, but this isn't going to lead to happiness.

Why is it in your mind that he can't be happy because of it? I want a man who is happy because of it. I can't be happy with any man other than one who is happy because of it and apparently according to you guys a man like that doesn't exist. Meaning, I will never be happy.

>I think it's best you two split, you obviously have two separate goals in mind. You don't want kids. He does. Nothing wrong with that, but this isn't going to lead to happiness.
He's a wonderful guy, I'm sure he won't have any problem finding someone else and being happy, but me? Splitting isn't going to lead to happiness for me either because I'm not going to find someone as good for me as him. For me it's mourning either way. Hello depression my old friend, long time no see.

This. If you see your kids as a burden in the way of you goals and not the goal in and of itself then they're going to grow up fucked up.

I don't see them as a burden in the way of my goals as long as I still have all the time I need to work on my goals.
I want to be a writer. My books are my goal.

Believe it or not I'm not trolling at all.

>as long as I still have all the time I need to work on my goals.
>I want to be a writer. My books are my goal.
Definitely don't have kids. Probably don't get married. As a writer you won't be able to get your husband to be a stay at home dad, and you're just gonna resent your children.

How do married male writers with children do it then?

They put their kids ahead of their work and struggle to write anything until their kids are about 10 or 11.

BS. JK Rowling was writing Harry Potter as a single mother when her daughter was 2. Crichton wrote Jurassic Park in 1990 when his daughter was 1 and he's never stopped writing his novels ever since her birth, see his list of publications. I don't see their children turning out psycho.

Waiting all that time is unacceptable.

I can agree with this but full disclosure-- if you two are very separate on the issue of kids like this, you may not be a good fit after all. Good sex, camaraderie and fond times spent can be formed with anyone, but being separate on fundamental issues-- like if he were absolutely adamant on you taking his name and you wanted to keep yours or something-- is a basis for resentment, argument and derision to form. Almost always apparently-big problems are rooted in some basic issue that never got addressed in the open.

It is extremely important that you talk to him about this and discuss your future because compromise is not usually a substantial option in these events. You NEED to have this discussion with him and in-depth, without argumentative tone or function, and without ultimatums. You need to discuss how it's going to work out for you two.
This is an important thing about being an adult-- the unpleasant bridges are usually the most important to cross.

Good luck on your writing.

He says, posting on Jow Forums.

Because this is basic relationship dynamics. Do you think if he's sick he's not going to hope that you would step up and help take care of both of your children?

I'm not trying to say you're not worth anything else than a baby oven to him, but if you're not commiting to a life with him, don't give him children. Let him be happy with someone who wants the same things he does

>But that won't make ME happy
That's your problem. You're being incredibly selfish by wanting to be a half-assed "mom" and if you really loved your boyfriend you wouldn't put him in that situation.

If he's truly okay with it, then I think he's nuts to want to raise kids on his own. You're wanting him to be a stay at home dad and how are you gonna support him? Do you know how much bread you'd have to be bringing in to support a family of three minimum?

I don't believe you're that fresh out of high school if at all, since your perception of how things are just gonna run peachy, it's pretty naive. This has bad idea written all over it and I think a well adjusted individual would realize that.

What is your boyfriend's view of this anyways?

Your relationship sounds transactionsl. You are not in love you are infatuated. Break up, find someone who doesn't want kids.

This precludes any of your muh gender arguments. I would 100% give the same advice to a male user asking "hey should I knock up my gf? I figure I won't have to take care of them anyway..."


>both your children
user, I'm aware I used they, but I used it as a neutral pronoun. In the event I have kids, I'm not planning on having more than 1 for the next 10 years or more.

If he's sick, I'll gladly help him and take care of him and the kid too. Being sick is not the regular occurrence so when he's not sick, he can do the regular care himself.

>That's your problem
I'm the one with a problem here, not him. He wouldn't have a problem finding someone else, me? Not so much.

>Do you know how much bread you'd have to be bringing in to support a family of three minimum?
I can manage. Besides, he doesn't have to be a stay at home dad. If I were in his position, even if I didn't want to be a writer I wouldn't be a stay at home mom in any case, dream job or not I want to work.

>What is your boyfriend's view of this anyways?
Unclear. Telling him calmly and politely I'm not sure he realizes I'm serious.

>find someone who doesn't want kids
This isn't going to work either. I'm not opposed to having kids per se. I'm opposed to being the primary caregiver.
Someone who doesn't want kids ever is just going to make me miserable in the long run.

If you don't want full responsibility over another life, get a cat. All they do is exist next to you.

Why should I get full responsibility for another life when there's 2 of us? Best I can do is 50%.

You're a woman, it's your life purpose.

Nah. Not at all.

No one's saying you should do more than your share, but earlier you were saying like 40%. the issue isn't that you enjoy and want your spare time respected. The issue is that if your NOT willing to sacrifice that time to be a family, that's where the rest of us are concerned that you're not fit to become a parent.

1. Fuck you.
2. Yes it would.

Well, yes, it is.
Men invent things, create civilizations and take people to the Moon. And women are here to make babies. Don't hate yourself for the way mother nature designed you. Build a strong family instead.

Grow up

See you once you hit mid 30s and you uterus fucking murders your brain to get pregnant instantly.

Useless thot.

I suppose with well-organized schedules I can manage 50% and keep my own time for myself as well. For example, wednesdays, thursdays and saturdays off work I'm only available for emergencies, any regular childcare is on him. I do want my spare time respected. I don't want him or anyone to dump the burden of child raising on me. If a division of labor that leaves me free time for myself is unacceptable, then yes, I don't want to be a family.


>this is your brain on feminism

Got a problem with that?

>Burden of child raising

You're only ever going to see them as burdens, so why would you want them in the first place? You say that not ever having kids will drive you crazy, but why?

Do him a favor and break up with him thot.

This sounds like a terrible idea. You clearly don't want kids and you shouldn't birth one just because your partner wants one.

Consider adoption or find someone whose life goals match your own.

Let's put it this way.
I don't like doing chores, but I don't like a shithole crawling with cockroaches even more. So I do chores.
When my bf and I get into a new place, I don't hate the place for requiring chores to avoid cockroaches. Sad fact of life places don't clean themselves. That doesn't mean I hate it or I'm not going to clean it.
However that doesn't mean I want to spend my whole life cleaning, either. I clean what's on my schedule, and then I expect my partner to clean what's on his schedule while I go relax because I too need to relax and take my mind off cleaning for the day. All work and no play, etc. etc.
Childcare is a burden. My mother wanted me, and she still complains to me to this day how stressful it was. Kids are a huge source of stress. Childcare workers aren't expected to be available 24/7 and don't get berated for wanting time off to live their life so why are parents? Nobody is going to have children if you're going to complain every time a woman calls a spade a spade.


I think the word you're looking for is challenge, not burden. Challenges reap rewards. Cleaning your room provides the reward of no bugs. The way you're looking at it is so negative, you did not answer what I asked: Why do you even want kids. Do you think it's some expectation of you? That you HAVE to do it and just struggle through it?

Childcare workers are working a JOB, a parent is not. Children are a responsibility.

trust me, I don't want kids, but I can at least acknowledge that a child is a lot different from a chore. Dirty dishes are a result of you using a plate to eat food. I don't know where you are making children an equivalent to that, when you can simply NOT have kids. Having a kid is purely a luxury that you don't NEED to participate in if you already don't want to.

Pretending it doesn't have plenty of negatives is a lie. Pretending kids aren't stressful and frustrating just creates more stress for parents. That's psychology 101.

>Childcare workers are working a JOB, a parent is not.
Too bad it's treated like it is without the benefits of actually being a job (time off, pay, paid vacations to name a few) and it creates a huge load of stress for the parents either way. Saying "children are a responsibility" isn't going a mother's headache go away, it's only going to make it worse. You're not helping.

>Having a kid is purely a luxury that you don't NEED to participate in if you already don't want to.
I want to, on my terms.
I don't want to on Jow Forums's terms.

>That's psychology 101
Okay I can see at this point you're just throwing out useless platitudes.

Answer the question this time. Why do you even want kids?

You don't. I'm pretty sure you just want some sort of biological tie to your boyfriend because you think he won't leave you then. Well I tell you what's going to happen
>Get pregnant
>Things are okay for you, great for him
>You two think you've come to an understanding about what parental dynamics you want established
>That starts degrading when either of you lose a job/some other emergency and you aren't wanting to pick up slack because it's not on "your days" to take care of your family.
>You are so self centered (Part of the thing that put you in this mess, instead of letting him go you hold on and have this "Might as well" attitude towards kids just to keep him around because you can't handle being alone) that you act as if having a child is now this shitty little thing you HAVE to take care
>He starts realizing he's made a huge mistake by sticking it through with you, and realizing he's an idiot for thinking that it would work with someone who sees a family relationship as a business transaction.
>He leaves you, you have joint custody (If you even decide to want that, assuming you don't try to take whole custody just to spite him) and you're periodically stuck with a reminder of who you lost, putting yourself in a worse position than you were originally.

You have a LOT of growing up to do. This isn't a problem of children. This is a problem of you being extremely immature and unwilling to reach out of your level of self-priority. You keep bringing up that he'd be able to find someone else. Do you not think he deserves that? What are you providing for him really? Because if you think you HAVE to have kids (And yes, you DO think you HAVE to, that's what your whole attitude has been from the start of this thread) for him, you obviously don't have a lot of perceived self-value to him otherwise.

I already said I'm available for emergencies. Life isn't as catastrophic as you paint it user, emergencies are not regular occurrences. Response to emergencies can be planned ahead too. Risk management is a thing.

>He leaves you, you have joint custody
Nah, I'd leave full custody to him.

>Do you not think he deserves that?
Nah, I do. You however think I don't deserve someone else, user. Him or someone else these are my requests and my priorities, and I want someone who is OK with them. Simple as that.

I do think you deserve someone, but children is a major compatibility issue with couples. He might be right for you, but you might not be right for him with what he wants.

>I want someone who is OK with them
How might I not be right for that person who wants what I want, exactly?

Why do you want children. Seriously. You've voiced plenty of reasons you aren't fond of them, but what are the reasons you WOULD want them.

You've already been shown here that Jow Forums doesn't agree with your mindset regarding having kids. You came her for a reason. Maybe wanting an echo chamber to verify that this is a good idea? you wouldn't have come here if you thought it was a perfectly decent thing to do.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mother and it'd be nice to repeat the same in the future. I like being around children when it's not required of me 24/7. FYI, my mother too didn't want to sacrifice her life for me and my father was okay with that, I was raised mostly by my father as a child. That's why I don't understand you people when you say no man would be okay with being the primary caregiver while I do my thing.

>You came her for a reason
Arguing with Jow Forums calms me down, I face the worst scenarios through the shitposts and find I'm more OK with them than I initially thought. Breaking up with my current bf is okay, being alone is okay. Weighing the pros and cons of every situation either finding someone who is exactly as I want him to be or being alone are still the only acceptable outcomes.

Btw, I texted him all this stuff and he says he's okay with it. You guys made me worry for nothing.

You sound like my ideal wife. Looking for surrogate options because women can't be trusted in raising mentally balanced children.

All the time is hyperbole. I get out on my own every couple months to see friends. And I get an hour to myself after the kids go to bed.

I do so because my first obligation to my kids and my family. I'd love to go out drinking with my friends tonight. But for the 7th year running, I'm at home watching Christmas movies, shitposting on the internet while they fall asleep on the couch.

What I don't appreciate from OP is this idea that the primary care giver is the only one that has to sacrifice for their kids. If a guy does nothing but provide money for his kids, and goes off and lives his life however he wants without feeling any sort of obligation to his children, he's a shitty father.

There's no problem if she wants to go work, and be the provider for her family. But if she thinks that she gets to just go about living her life without making any sacrifices, then she shouldn't have kids in the first place.

As I said I was raised by my father like that, without my mother having to make sacrifices unless something out of planning happened, but it was always minor things as my mother is excellent at planning ahead. My ideal family dynamic is my own family dynamic, which was just that and I want to repeat it. You might not be okay with that and that's ok, it means I would have never considered you for a possible partner. My bf and I's kid will turn out fine.

Welp, good luck. I certainly wouldn't be happy raising my kids on my own without help from my wife, nor would she be too happy if I weren't present. But if you can make it work without fucking up your kids, good for you.

Yikes. Get your uterus removed.

You are a kid yourself, mentally. Please don't have kids and don't spread your pathetic genes