My entire life I stayed in my shell and kept my distance away from everyone never daring to open myself truly to someone else. Fear followed me my entire life it was a shadow which never left me which paralyzed me into a state of inaction and stagnation where I would think but not act. I never grew as fast as people around me, I was inexperienced and immature always a few steps behind everyone else. This grew into an inferiority complex and lack of self-esteem at one point I tried to cover it up by growing arrogant and looking with contempt at people around me but it didn't last, it couldn't last with my instrospectfull and empathetic nature. Because I was a coward I missed out an many experiences and didn't grow as a person like a flower which refused to bloom. I have lived for meager 18 years yet my regrets are infinite and my soul ancient. However the thing I regret the most is keeping my feelings of love locked deep inside all these long long years. I loved him from the bottom of my heart from the moment I met him in the 1st grade and 12 years did nothing to quell my feelings not my denial and not my attempts to hide them, deep inside they only grew until they became unbearable. I'm a chick who grew up inside his shell and never truly broke out of it
This is my heart which I wanted to lay bear for years now. This is the first time I told anyone this
Even if it's over the internet to strangers I don't know, I needed to tell someone
My entire life I stayed in my shell and kept my distance away from everyone never daring to open myself truly to...
Fear is the mind-killer
Fear is the little-death that leads to total annihilation
I will look upon my fear and allow it to pass over me and through me
And when it is gone
I shall gaze upon its path with my inner eye
And see that it is gone
Only I will remain.
The Litany against Fear
“Dune” (1965)
by Frank Herbert
Self-bump because I'm desperate forc aknowledgment
You are not alone OP. Lots of people go through the same thing. Even if its just to faceless people on the internet you did open up to someone and that is the first step.
same I was home schooled ended up getting into books lol
i think i've been afraid for most of my life too. that fear turned into bad habits that continue to plague me today.Thing is, im not even sure what i'm scared of anymore.
Hoo boy, the greatest disservice was not done to him but to yourself. You've been repressed for so long that the real you must feel like a stranger.
You've missed out on a lot of personal development... but it's better late than never. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to say all this and reach out to someone. Well, you know what? We heard it. Welcome to living out of your shell.
Feel free to word-vomit some more. I bet you've got lots more to say.
>18 year old
Too young to be whining. I have a female friend who didn't start blooming until she was around 22. Now she's popular and has guys going after her. And she was just a mess at 19 when I met her, she was scared of everyone and painfully submissive.
I have no idea how she did it, though, or if she even did anything in particular.
I can sympathize with the feeling. Being afraid and anxious became a norm for me, eventually I even forgot what I was afraid of anymore. Being afraid became a habit deeply ingrained into my brain
Op, answer truthfully.
Are you fat?
No
Why do you ask?
Not that poster but insecurities like these are usually born from concerns about appearance, especially in young women.
I'm still waiting for you to let it all out some more, like you did in your original post.
I was pretty much the same, but I had no lack of self esteem, I was just content with everything, and like you never really done anything of note. I wanted to see if people ended up like me, for same reason.
Being fat was my first guess, as lack of self esteem would be really quizical if you are not fat.
Anyways, chin up, it will change, I grew up in 4 years from highschool more than I did in my entire life, and so will you.
Rosa is the culprit btw
Ah yes I had body insecurities back then I was younger. Would always wear shirts which covered my arms I even stopped swimming because i didn't want people seeing my body, I got over them for the most part though
Anyway now what i think about it my past it almost feels like a dream as if I wasn't even controlling myself like I was a player observing my cage of flesh move on its own, I don't remember much of it or what kind of person I was. Not surprising then you spend so much time in your own thoughts they begin to feel more real than reality. I'd spend a lot of time coming up with what if scenarios and fantasizing about what I could have done. I would also get trapped in negative thought loops which wouldn't go anywhere: What will he think? I'll fuck up and embarrass myself I already wasted my chance there's no reason for me to try making friends now Why try if they are better than you? What's the point of having a relationship if people a're shallow and selfish they'll just betray you anyway. Things like that
Huh, it feels pretty good to get this off my chest
Thanks to everyone who replied btw. I needed a different perspective then you are alone with yourself you end up thinking up bad things which don't exist
desu you sound just as shallow.
It takes yourself expressing to others for a chance for people to MAYBE understand you.
Chances are you probably suck at it.
Also, what exactly did you do to make the dude know how you feel? He can't read your mind you know.
These are normal fears... but they are just fears, not reality.
Do try to feel a little better. From what I can see of your personality in your writing, you seem like a very interesting person with a lot to offer. I could be close friends with someone like you.
Don't be afraid of opening your heart to others. It's from there that you'll begin to take control of yourself.
Yes I'm arrogant and shallowin my own way. I mean from reading that I wrote you could get an impression what I don't even see other people as ''worthy''. And you'd be right! What was an important reality check I had to face I wasn't any better.
I think I eventually started avoiding socialicing due to a feeling of social inadequacy. I wasn't funny enough and I didn't have much in common as I didn't keep up with latest trends I felt like an outsider
Another thing is that I'm a perfectionist and a people pleaser. I get overloaded with anxiety thinking about how my actions could affect people around me th st I end thinking it's not worth the effort and not even trying because it couldn't be ''perfect''
I was similar, will always be partly, but I slowly managed to make some changes that I hope are positive. It all seems so easy once you're in the middle of it. 24m and it feels as though I have wasted all of my life already.
Don't waste any more time, OP, come out.
I went through my early years as one bitter and twisted kid. Now, I'm a balding man in his thirties having overcome some fears, but I look ahead and dread some horrible outcomes. I feel as if I was nipped in the bud. It sucks when people use you for their own amusement. I never developed much self-esteem, nor any experience with women. There are times when I think that I won't be able to pull myself completely together and bloom like some figurative flower. I'm surprised that I kept living, but living is a term I don't use in the same sense as what many other people do. "Living" meaning that you experience life to its fullest, and I've not quite done that. I've been sidelined in life and much of that is my fault. I'm mentally ill, and I've come to make a friend out of darkness. Negativism limits me and my pessimism has been like chains on my legs. Though I can take care of myself, there's no one else to accompany me. I feel your pain, OP. I know what it's like to be a leper.
Wow, you sound like me in quite a few ways. But i've grown quite attached to my shell personally. I was never really angry about my nature in the first place, frustrated sometimes and yes very low in self-esteem and confidence, but now at 20 years old I look at myself and think that I want to be a quiet and reserved person. It's not bad and I am rather fond of it, not out of contempt or hatred of others, but just sort of because. I think people are great and all and I love to help folks out, but I like to be within my shell.
Don't feel too bad OP, there are many great things about you i'm sure, and many great things about being a quiet, reserved and thoughtful person. You don't have to think that the only good choice is to be more outgoing! Whatever you do I hope it all works out but I don't believe that shyness is just a cage wrapped in fear that contains an outgoing individual.
Maybe i'm more alone in thinking this than I thought. To not be a misanthrope but also possess a desire to be contained within one's shell. I've not met to many folks with that kind of a mentality before. Not that I know of, atleast.
Holy shit, this fucking board.
> 1. You can't change the past. Dwelling on it has no purpose besides mental masturbationing yourself into the paralysis of not doing shit about your circumstances
> 2. If you have problems in your life, the only way to change them is to take actions you believe will solve the problems. Taking one step towards the solution, everyday will guarantee you solve your problem sooner or later.
> 3. Your life is meaningless. There's nothing you're "supposed to do." There's no "getting it." We're all making it up as we go and doing what feels best. That's it.
> 4. It's never too late to do anything; it's just harder.
> 5. Everyone is fucked up. Everyone missed out on something important to them. Everyone has shit in the closet. The people who are living "successful" and "good" lives, have moved on. They look towards tomorrow and don't dwell on the bad shit that happened to them.
> 6. You caused all of your problems, one way or another. It's your responsibility to do something about it. No one else's.
As good as it gets. No one will do it for us. Simple as that.
As everyone else said, if you want a change then its up to you to do it. I have similar problems and am working through them.
Make changes, no matter how small, that will get you to the state you wanna be. It can be at your own pace as long as you make sure to have consistent progress. You really are the only one who can do anything about it.
this is just the first step op
now go out and find what you've missed
I'd like to know what it feels to have a partner and not just the emotional aspect but physical too, I want to feel their touch and their warmth desu
I also grew up in my own shell. I met somebody who loved me for who I am and she taught me to open up... I miss her so much.
You'll find people like this in time. Don't rush it. You're still young, you're going to meet so many people.
I miss writing things like this when I was 18
yikes I'm a 32 year old oldfag and I still feel paralyzed by the anxieties that have piled up since high school. Hindered all sorts of personal growth
Are you a girl or a gay man?