I feel like I am failing my bf. I feel like he hates me...

I feel like I am failing my bf. I feel like he hates me. Im trans and sex is pretty much impossible for me these days (even though i used to do it), but my bf still wants sex; which is 100% reasonable.

I used to be able to bear it (just think of England eh) but my body hate (dysphoria) has increased and any type of sex just makes me feel like a boy and reminds me of what i don't have. Even just feeling "good" runs the risk of making me aroused which can ruins my whole week. I want so bad to please him but my body cant. Every time i say that i can't do something (or often just avoid it because I am too embarrassed to say it out loud) i can see it makes him disappointed and apprehensive to doing anything with me. It makes him act cold and distant because he is scared he will cross my boundaries.

i have a GRS surgery set in a little under a year, but i cant expect my BF to wait that long, especially given the additional 3-6 months of recovery. Its not even definite that it will be successful (its a very barbaric surgery) or make me feel any better (the results are rarely anatomically correct).

It is not like I am asexual; i feel lots of pent up desire, but anything i do to act on it make me want to die. Sometimes i have wet dreams and when i wake i feel like i'm going to throw up.

I still give him oral whenever the chance, but it is not enough. Oral sex is not the same as penetrative sex. I am extremely worried this will ruin my relationship, even though we love each other and "make a great team."

I am not completely closed to the possibility of him having sex with another person, but i would be completely paranoid (i already assume he hates me) that he will find someone he loves more that way, i probably would have trouble handling that, but i do not know of any other options.

I don't want him to leave me and don't want to leave him. He is the love of my life and gives me a reason to keep living.

sorry for the essay, but i just do not know what to do.

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Express your feelings to him. Let him know where this is coming from. If it comes down to it, even show him this thread.

It won’t fix things, but understanding would probably make things a lot easier for him to deal with, because not understanding or feeling like you’re completely in the dark about something is often one of those things that’s way more gnawing than anything else.

people like you are the future.

The nukes can't fall soon enough,

hopefully it hits me in the face

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He knows in some way. Ive told him, but it really hurts me to say it in person. Since we moved in together i get less time to text him so a lot goes unsaid. I can tell he is getting distant. I pretty much know he hates me, but he is my only reason to live. I feel like he has a lot of pressure to stay with me despite it all and i cant ask him to wait a year for my 6k axe wound

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unrelated thats a nice fuckin gibson

“In some way” isn’t good enough.
Letting things just “go unsaid” is a good way to let go of the relationship entirely. In fact, that’s pretty much the leading cause of breakups.

If he really wants to leave type, he would, and there’s nothing you could really do about it, avoiding talking about it certainly wouldn’t help. In fact, all that really does is make he feel more detached from the relationship, and make him more likely to start to want to leave.

I think you should get mental help and NOT GRS. I don't say this because I think all transsexuals need mental help I just think this would be less likely to increase your suffering.

Don't chop your fucking dick off. Wake the fuck up and see how insane this shit is that they're telling you to do.

I have hated the damn thing since before i was trans. If they chop it off and replace it with nothing id be better off. no one is telling me to do it, in fact everyone has told me not to or been indifferent.

>My 6k axe wound
So what's at work here? Are you mad at your body, or mad because there's nothing viable as far as switching genders is concerned? It sounds like you're aware that your options are limited at best and nonexistent at worst.

i just dont care
im realistic in knowing ill never be cis and the options are grim, but continuing like this is more grim. im not mad at my body, if i was a guy it would be amazing. im not mad at all, i just know the shitty reality i live in
im not some delusional tranny, if i dont pass i dont want to live, may as well try everything i can first

See a psychiatrist. It's your best bet.

He will inevitably break up with you. There is no advice to give.

Just prepare for that and be understanding. You have no right to be upset with him for wanting more from a partner.

seek professional help
you're not "trans"
you're sick, real illness
you need medication and good therapy

>If they chop it off and replace it with nothing id be better off
No, you wouldn't. Hormonal imbalances can lead to worse mental issues than what you already have.