Reconnecting with ex

>reconnecting with ex
no
there's a reason you're exes. it didn't work out. popping up into her life 3½ years later will just creep her out.
/thread

If you had bothered to read the OP, I explained that it "didn't work out" because of a mistake I made and because we were both too young. Aside from that, it *did* work out.

And I highly doubt it will "creep her out" to send her an email.

Thanks user. This seems to be the advice I've gotten elsewhere as well.

It's just difficult to accept, because I know if I broke up with someone and I was debating starting things with them again, I'd want to have some amount of reassurance that whatever problem there was wouldn't happen again. I suppose that if she meets with me she's not explicitly thinking about it at first though.

Nostalgie googles as fuck, you didn't break up without reason.

No nostalgia goggles here. I clearly explained the problems that the relationship had. I am very aware of them.

Is "nostalgia goggles" even actually a thing people have for old relationships? I guess it must be given how many people are suggesting that, but I can't see why. I've always been more aware of the problems in a relationship after the fact than when I'm in it in the first place.

I’ve been in a similar situation and the fact is she finished you and has already moved on ,if she still wanted you she would have sent you a message within those 3 years

I'm not expecting her to still want me before I meet up with her. That would be absurd. I know she's moved on. I'm not expecting her not to have. Why on earth would I expect that?

Then why are you chasing her?

I've literally not spoken to her in 3 years or even bothered to check how she was. I'm not "chasing her".

I'm going to be starting to date again in a few months once I'm more secure at work and have had a little more time to work on myself. I want to try my luck with this attractive woman I used to know who I had a lot in common and good chemistry with when I knew her. If she says no, she says no. If we're incompatible, so be it. If she isn't single, she isn't single. In any of these cases I'll look for other women. But there's this one woman I remember who I think would be an excellent match for me if she's single and hasn't changed much since I last saw her, so I want to meet up with her, and if she's willing maybe go on a date to see how things end up.

Problem is, she's my ex.

Well you made your mind up and we can't change that. Like the other user said, she would have messaged you first if she missed you during those 3 years. Who broke up with who? I still think you should have dated other women to see there are other fishes in the sea.

Just move on with your life OP. I was in a similar situation to you and they just...they just stop loving you if you hurt them too much for too long. They live for you, they obsess over you, they cry over you, and one day it just ends because of your fuck ups. It will never be the same I can promise you that.

Yes, I have made up my mind. I said that already. I'm not looking for someone to tell me if it's a good idea or not. That's irrelevant. I'm looking for help for when I do talk to her.

I doubt she would have messaged me in those three years if she missed me, since we both agreed to cut contact after I was having trouble getting over her. In any case, though, it's irrelevant whether she missed me or not because I'm not trying to play off of her missing me, I'm essentially treating this like I would any other woman, except that in this case we have a history.

She broke up with me, but I probably would have broken up with her within the year if she didn't. We were both far too young and immature for a relationship to be successful then, and there were a number of circumstantial factors as well. I didn't treat her as well as I should have, but she didn't treat me as well as she could have either. We were both young and immature, like I said. I'm willing to shoulder ~60% of the blame for things failing, because it was mostly my fault.

I did try dating other women at first, but I was jobless with no car for a while so there wasn't much point. Instead I worked on myself, trying to be a better person, have a better outlook on life, fix my issues, and get better physical health. I won't say I'm perfect, but I'm leagues better than I was, and I'm still working to get myself even better than I am now.

>read the OP, the post

Pretty much what happened, yeah. But I've become a better person in the intervening years.

Sorry I can't give you sound advice when I know for a fact that it will fail for you and is a total waste of time. Good luck.

You know I would have helped, but you're a fucking twat so nah.

Well you put this girl on a pedestal which why you want to talk to her. If you're okay with being rejected or ignored, which could happen, then good luck, keep us updated if anything happens.

Stop being lazy. You’re trying to piece something back together that was trashed years ago because you haven’t moved on, whereas she has.

Thanks! I'm not nearly so pessimistic, but I'm fully prepared for it to fail. I just see no reason not to try.

How so? I didn't think I was being particularly aggressive in my post, but I have been dealing with a lot of responses that are frankly not answering the question I want advice about, and having to repeat myself several times, so maybe it came out a little more annoyed than it should have.

I don't think I do. I'm fully aware of her flaws, but I'm also fully aware of her positives. Or at least how they were. It was a long relationship.

All the same, I have a good idea of what traits are absolutely required in a partner whose absence would be a deal-breaker, as well as what traits I like but aren't necessary. There are actually only a couple of the former, mostly relating to having similar attitudes as me on things like the future and how to raise children, but they tend to be uncommon traits I've noticed. And the thing about my ex is that she fits far better than I think I'd be able to find elsewhere, on both accounts.

Thanks though! I'm fully expecting to be rejected, though I'd be pretty surprised if she completely ignored me. It won't be for another half a year, though, I'm just getting advice in advance because my free time is about to drop pretty close to 0 soon.

I'd like to think that I'd be starting over, not piecing things back together. But I'm not sure what's lazy about it? I've been doing a lot of work to improve myself while unable to look for a partner, and when I'll finally be in a good situation to do so I'm going to. I just happen to be starting with a particular person.

I dont think you should wait for her, try to date other girls and see if you're really sure you want to get back with her. I personally wouldn't try to get an ex back who dumped me and never talked to me since the breakup, I would rather see if we cross paths again and see if she still has any feelings for me.

I got back with my ex after a year. We also broke up mostly because of my fuck ups. I was a better man, stopped doing stupid shit. It really took a while for us to regain our trust with ourselves. She moved back in, we got engaged. After two years we simply decided to call it off. There were too many bad memories. All in all, it was a mistake. I lost another 3 years to someone I should have never spoken to again before.

Not OP but how did you get back together? Did she ask you to come back? Did she breakup with you? Did you two never talked to each other in that one year?

If I find any in the mean time, I'll consider it, but I'm going to be pretty busy getting into the swing of things with a new job and a long commute. Again, that's why I'm not dating at the moment. But realistically I'm unlikely to find someone this good.

She did actually talk to me since the break up, but it was right after. I was having difficulty getting over her, so I told her I needed to cut contact. Then I did. For more than three years.

I don't really want to just try to "cross paths" with her. If she happens to be dating someone, it's altogether possible that said person is around. Or that she doesn't want to talk to me. I'd really prefer for that not to happen.

Also, I'd have to specifically look for places I know she frequents, because I don't typically go places she would be these days.

That's a legitimate concern, I suppose.

I guess we were still in love. We tried meeting other people but it sucked. We occasionally messaged each other. One day she called me and we reconciled.

The break up was terrrible. She'd lost respect for me. It was mostly my decision. I didnt want to be stuck in a bad relationship. Even though I tried my best she'd bring up all the shit from the past and it was too much.

For a happy ending, my new gf has recently moved in with me. I am happy to have a drama free relationship and am surprised at how normal things can be.

Why do people want to reconnect with exes? Especially if you got broken up with... You will always be the 'bitch' in the relationship then.

Tell him clearly that you are taking responsibility for your past mistakes, make a real effort to mature without wanting to be considered a saint, I just hope that you really reconcile, getting back together will be great.

You sound like an uber cuck. Do you even Jow Forums? Improve yourself, fuck these bitches, and make the babies. Any oneitis is ultimate cringe.

How so?

Thanks user. I hope so too.

That was my plan, yeah, though I'm starting to rethink that because some think I shouldn't bring up the past?

Working on it!

I wouldn't rule all girls can't be great like your ex if you never tried to date them and see how they are. When I say cross paths, I mean you just go on with life and you two stumble upon each other, feel chemistry and try to give it another shot. I dont mean try to stalk her and find out where she frequents to talk to her.

You two still seemed to have feelings for each other during that time. When my ex dumped me, she told me she has no feelings for me and wanted to avoid me because of that. I tried to talk to her a month later and say we can work these issues out, but she said the same thing. It's been 4 months since the breakup, haven't heard anything from her since. I now know we were very immature and terrible communicators. I guess it's the feeling of never knowing how our relationship could've been if we were mature is what makes me still have feelings for her.

Kind of crazy. This sounds too similar to my break up but I would be on the other end.. so like the Girl in this scenario.

All I can say is goodluck, user. Hope this lady still has the same contact details or you have alternative ways to contact her if so. Sounds like you're already prepared for any type of reaction/ failure but I hope it's not extremely hostile.

>I wouldn't rule all girls can't be great like your ex if you never tried to date them and see how they are.
I'm sure there's other nice girls out there that I'd be compatible with to some extent. And if they meet my minimum requirements, I'd be willing to try. But this particular woman met not only my requirements but also almost all of the minor things I know I like, and we had good chemistry and compatibility, in addition to her being a 10/10 in my eyes.

>When I say cross paths, I mean you just go on with life and you two stumble upon each other, feel chemistry and try to give it another shot. I don't mean try to stalk her and find out where she frequents to talk to her.
I don't exactly frequent the same places she does any more, so I'm pretty sure it would be unlikely unless I went out of my way to go to the kind of events she goes to.

Though, given how often I've run into her dad, maybe I'm wrong about that.

>You two still seemed to have feelings for each other during that time
I mean, I certainly had feelings for her. If she did too, she was trying to repress them. She was mostly talking to me for my sake though.

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you though.

Thanks, user! I expect she still has the same email. Worst comes to worst, I am friends with her on facebook so even though I don't go on there much at all any more I could send something there.

I don't think it'll be too hostile, though. I don't think she has a cruel bone in her body.

>I'm starting to rethink that because some think I shouldn't bring up the past?
Only if it starts to do so, it is better to avoid not recalling specific memories.

Ah okay. Thanks user.

>How so?
Because the relationship was unsustainable as one of the partners pulled the plug for some reason that undermines your "power" in the relationship. Relationships are always 1 serving.

>Relationships
I mean romantic relationships of course. Unless you are polyamorous, but those are mostly based on power and lust anyway.