Friendzoning a gril

So this girl that i used to work with asked me over text if I would like to meet up for drinks sometime soon. We text bs back and forth, i wouldnt consider her inside my "circle of friends" but definitely someone who I was good friends with at work if that makes sense. Id say we get along pretty well overall, shes an awesome person and i enjoy her company.

Heres the problem; shes kinda fat. Not like obese gross slob fat, but like, chubby Adele kind of fat. Im in pretty good shape on the other hand if that counts for anything. In all honestly if it wasnt for her weight she would be like an 8/10 to me, shes mega funny, she has a pretty face, shes not insane.. but yeah, I just cant see myself dating a girl who weighs probably as much as I do. This will sound really shitty, but shes chubby enough where I wouldnt want to date her, but not enough where it would be 100% out of the question to hook up with her. Im not looking to sleep with her or do any sort of FWB situation though, because i like her as a person and I know that would just cause a lot of hurt in the long run, not to mention i would look like an asshole amongst our peers. How do I let her down easy? Should I just make an excuse and say Im busy and cant meet up? Should I still go out for drinks but play stupid and not respond to any of her advances? Wtf do I do? Historically speaking I never have really been on this side of the equation because I grew up really shy and only came out of my shell within the last few years, so this shit is all new to me... Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

>pic mildly related, roughly her body type vs the type i like to plow

Attached: istockphoto-642035968-612x612.jpg (612x462, 33K)

Self bumping because i need to respond soon and i dont know how to do so without digging a deeper hole for myself, pls respond

You have 2 options, you can either openly tell her what you wrote us. Telling her you like her as a person but you are not physically attracted to her unless she lost weight. This might work and she mightmwork on loosing weight or backfire where ahe thinks you are shallow.

Or you can hint flirtily that, "if you omly lost 30 pouns i would be all over you" in a friendly flirty way. This might motivate her to loose weight or backfire that she eats even more and gains even more weight.

Good luck

Considering this is someone with mutual friends as me as well as a coworker, telling her straight up is argueably the worst idea ever. She would be devestated and everyone would hate me for being a dick to her. I appreciate the advice, but yeah, thats not an option at all. Im trying to let her down easy, not put her down.

**telling her straight up that she is too fat

Tell her you just want to be friends and then slowly ghost her

I am not saying be a dick about it. On the opposite do it in a private and a discreet manner. Do not put her down, be polite, caring and honest where you tell "look i care for you as a person, but i am not physically attracted to you u less you lost weight". You can even take a risk and tell her "if you start a diet and go to gym we will see where this goes"

Literally never in a million years would i have the heart to say anything of that sort to her. Again, i appreciate the advice, but in this situation its an automatic no-go. Telling her she is too fat for me is basically self destructing myself in my circle of coworkers/friends.
So she asks if i want to chill and get drinks, and i reply i just want to be friends? Idk dude, she technically has not mentioned anything about dating/hooking up so i feel like thatd be too direct. You dont think id be better off making excuses and dodging her? Or meeting up and not responding to her advances if she makes any? I know being direct is typically ideal but again, idk how to handle this shit, i dont want to hurt her feelings because i really do like her as a person, im just not interested in dating her.

Id literally rather be rejected and friendzoned myself than deal with this shit, fuck.

Go out for drinks since you enjoy hanging out with her, don't make a move and if she says anything or trys to get physical be blunt but polite. None of this "Sorry, we're coworkers" because that means the only thing stopping you is the fact you work together.

"I'm sorry, I'm not attracted to you" "Sorry, you're not my type"

IF she asks then you can say it's because of her weight, but never say it unless she keeps prodding you. Also, nothing wrong with dating a fatty because when they lose weight they appreciate you more

Thanks, this is much more helpful. Just to clarify though, you dont think going out for drinks would count as leading her on? The way i see it, she never outright mentioned it as a date or anything of the sort, so me going and not treating it as a date seems acceptable. On the flip side its ridiculously obvious to me thats her intentions and i feel like id be building her up to let her down if i say yes.

For the record i dont find her attractive because im attracted to petite thin girls, something i can pick up and throw around. Im not really into the idea of settling or lowering my standards, even if that means going for an extended dry spell. It sucks because i know she would be great but i really cant look past the fact that i just dont find her body at all attractive. Im just not willing to settle and “fix” a girl when i can simply get one im more attracted to in the future.

Tell her you already have a gf

Yeah don't take that shitty advice. You can go get drinks. Friend zoning chicks is easy. Just act like a chick. Go get drinks, flirt, do whatever you want. If she comes on to you just say you'd rather be friends and you don't feel that way about her.

Ta da

What's with all the shitty advice about lying on this board?

You never need to lie. Ever. It destroys everything. Even White lies. It's not ever necessary.

Tact is what you want. With honesty.

You already admitted you'd hook up with her but that it's not a good idea because it could hurt her. So good ethical compass, congrats. Don't hook up with her, be honest if she's trying to hook up with you and say you'd rather be friends and don't want anyone's feelings hurt in the long run.

If she can't maturely deal with the truth then that's her deal. Don't turn it into a situation where you're lying or being a dick or throwing what you know to be the right thing to do out the window because then it becomes your problem.

You also don't need to be blatantly honest like a dick and tell her to lose weight. If she wants to lose weight it should be for her own sake not to get with you.

I dont know man, wouldnt it be a giant proof of intent if a girl/guy did that? It would mean much more than any words if somebody hit the gym for months just for me.

Wouldnt work because she is aware im single.
I guess it really is that simple.. thanks dude. Im aware this is pretty much a non-issue, but again, i was basically autist tier until a couple years ago and i have practically no relationship experience besides kiddie highschool shit. This is all new for me.

Look OP, you seem to have already decided to friendzone or ignore her, why are you even here?

But that's not how people work. Is that how you work? You're looking out, from inside your conscious existence.

Do you see yourself changing fundamental personality (discipline, hard work with slow reward) just to get with someone?

You might be able to lose weight for someone else but the fundamental changes in exercising regularly is personal, it doesn't matter who you end up with, you're learning self discipline and becoming someone who has an easier time doing things you enjoy and all sorts of other benefits. Those are fundamentally changes in a person, not just weight changes.

It would be very meaningful, but i dont want to settle for a girl im not currently attracted to and hope she loses weight, when i can just find a girl who is already attractive and skip all that shit. Im not looking to build a gf up to my standards, i just simply want to find someone else who already meets them.

I lost 10 kg so far because of one girl, so yes i am doing it myself. The aim is 16 by the way. I am not delusional tough i know i will be rejected yet again, but it is a motivating force.

You know why grand gestures are called grand? Because they require time money and energy. Anybody can say they love you, but only a few will follow through big hoops to proove intention.

My question was how to go about letting her down easy, because i have zero experience with such things. Hooking up with her/dating was never on the table.
Honesty definitely is the best way, i agree. There is such a thing as “too honest” though, thus my predicament.

Thats all very true and probably would make a good foundation for a long lasting relationship.. but again, i dont settle. Im no stud in any sense of the word but i know from experience im capable of pulling dimes. And besides, theres other ways to show love and comitment other than losing weight lol, id rather skip that shit.

I don't want to start a new thread because its not needed for a simple question:

Are girls more attracted to you when you friendzone them?

Why not lose the weight so you feel better and gain something fundamental to human existence, discipline, and freedom, rather than for a girl?

Listen - it's okay to do things because YOU want to do them, independently. If it's for a girl, great, but I happen to believe there's more to be gained other than the girl. Crash course in ethics.

Telling someone they're fat and hoping they lose weight because you knocked down their self esteem (at least when it comes to you) isn't allowing another person to freely act, it's manipulation. It's not right and even in the 1 in a million cases it works out, it still doesn't make it better to manipulate people than to allow them to freely act as themselves.

Yes, too much honesty can be bad. If a woman asks "do you think I'm fat" - do you say "no" if you do? I don't think so. If you're adult enough to ask a question like that you had better be adult enough to deal with the honest answer. My wife knows if she asks me something she will receive honesty, not what she wants to hear. Those don't line up always but that's life.

That said, going out of your way to honestly tell someone you think they're fat when they don't ask you specifically is simply being a dick.

Saying nothing isn't "dishonest" unless you are lying by omission to a specific question. Sometimes the honest truth is "I don't really want to answer that question" or "I don't really want to discuss that" - that can be honesty too.

You don't want to hurt someone's feelings so don't bring up things that'll hurt their feelings. But if you don't respect someone enough to be honest in the face of a direct question, it's because you're believing they aren't mature or capable of handling the truth, and that's even MORE fucked up than just telling them the truth and letting them deal with it.

Now in your situation OP - if you want to go to drinks, say you want to go to drinks. If you don't want to hook up with her, don't.

Sometimes. Girls and guys are similar in this regard. When guys get friend zoned they either accept it or become needy obsessive peices of shit. Girls do the same.

I think it depends but generally they will either crumple into oblivion and turn into a landwhale catlady, or more likely, feel like they need to prove themselves.

For example if you friendzone a fat girl she might be motivated to lose wait to prove she is worth it. However, if you were to start giving them attention once they got in shape, theyd likely snub you out of petty revenge, which is basically the final act of “proving themself”. If you were to treat them the same and not give them the validation, they probably would at that point be attracted more, because youre basically saying to them that you can still do better.

Have sex with her but don't indicate that you're looking for commitment. Girls know how this works.

Because entire human condition is about tryinf to acquire what you want. You aspire to stoicism but use it as a tool to bash others with. Thats not stoicism, thats a farce. You want to be right and hide it under the umbrella of being stoic and ethical, go fuck yourself.

I know what i want to acquire, you knwow what it is? It is literally the puppy eyed love you have in highschool. I have past that already obviously, i will never have that. But being intimate is something i truly enjoy and most likely cant get enough of.

You talk about honesty, but OP admits if she lost weight she would be somebody he would go out with. How is it manipulation and not honesty? It literally is pure honesty, sure it can be hurtful hence he shouldnt be a dick about it. In your sense asking anybody to do anything when they like is manipulation and thats bs.

(I know i was a bit rude, but via text it needs to be done this way, offence is not my intention)

I dont want to have sex with her, she isnt attractive to me. I do want commitment though, just not with her. That being said,