So I posted this on /b/ last night, and I got to thinking that perhaps it would be better suited to post on here so I could hopefully hear some female insight into it.
>Who is being selfish me or my wife?
I have always been into kinkier stuff in the bedroom than my wife is (anal, fucking her at a gloryhole, her farting in my face, her sending me naughty pics). She has a pretty healthy libido and never turns me down from sex, but she is absolutely against indulging me in any way in the bedroom. She has always said "I don't feel comfortable doing something that I feel is objectifying/painful and you shouldn't try to make me". On the flip side of this I have asked her a million times about kinks she may be into and she swears she has none. About a month ago I broke it down to her and told her that the complete lack of anything risque is really starting to become detrimental to my psyche, to the point that I had even jerked off a few times in public looking for a thrill rush. She broke down and cried and I had hoped that perhaps she would then be more willing to explore some, however she hasn't mentioned it since then.
Who is being selfish here? Me for wanting her to indulge me, or her for refusing to indulge?
I just don’t understand how you married a person who isn’t open to your sexual wants, this is a recipe for disaster. Here you are masturbating in public, because you are dissatisfied. I don’t think either is necessarily more selfish, the current situation is just bad.
Neither of you are selfish really, it's just that you're sexually incompatible. If she doesn't like/enjoy kinky shit then that's her right and you cannot force her to do it. Meanwhile, if kinks are important for your sexual satisfaction, then you need to think about how you're going to go forward. Are you willing to sacrifice some part of your sexual satisfaction or are you not? If the answer is no, then you should find someone else that's more compatible with you sexually.
You are 100% in the wrong here. You shouldn't have married someone so incompatible with your kinks if you need them so much in the first place, that's one thing. More importantly, when it comes to sex, you should NEVER push anyone to do anything they're uncomfortable with. The fact that you even consider the possibility of your wife being in the wrong here is mind-boggling to me. I have a bigger sex-drive than my SO and sometimes I get frustrated, but I've never in my life considered him guilty of bot fulfilling my needs. That's the definition of entitlement. If it bothers you that much, divorce her.
>not being willing to put yourself outside of your comfort isn’t being selfish
That’s the definition of selfish. The fact she won’t even TRY some of the things for OP is proof she’s selfish.
You're a tad more selfish for expecting that marriage will give you leverage to be able to force her.
But you're both retards for marrying when you're not compatible in the bedroom.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a Hooker in this situation.
No, expecting your partner to do something she's uncomfortable with sexually is selfish. And miss me with that "just try it" stuff. She clearly doesn't find it arousing; on the contrary, it probably actively grosses her out. Since a large conponent of female pleasure during sex is mental, it definitely wouldn't be pleasant for her in this state of mind.
This. The whole thing reeks of "I have a relationship because someone told me to." Why are you, with kinks to spare, friends with someone who won't even hear you? I choke, spank and objectify my girl in bed all the time. Of course, bed is where it stays but still
You're in the wrong for getting angry at her for having limits. Everyone has limits that must be respected, even people who ARE kinky. You might find a sub who likes most kinky things you like, but not all. In fact, it's pretty impossible to find someone into/capable of performing all your kinks and fetishes. That's life.
>Who is being selfish here? You for wanting her to indulge you. The slowest person always sets the pace with this sort of thing.
I wouldn't say I am angry per-say, I would say frustrated would be a better word. I wouldn't expect her, or anyone, to be into everything I am into, the general lack of unwillingness is what is so frustrating.
I married her because, other than in the bedroom, she is the perfect woman in my eyes. I enjoy being around her, we never argue, we both have similar interest and generally speaking I feel as though she makes me a better person as a whole.
Not who you are replying too, but my wife is generally an extremely conservative person when it comes to stepping out of her comfort zone, she absolutely does not do it. For example, she has always been insanely scared of flying, proclaiming she never wanted to fly, for our honeymoon I booked us a 2 month long trip literally around the world. Ever since then she has absolutely loved traveling and we go on 2 international vacations each year since then. Now obviously its a stretch to compare that, to getting fucked through a gloryhole, but the point remains that if I had never pushed her to go on that first trip she would have been perfectly content never traveling at all.
>selfish You, maybe. But she is also at fault for entering a relationship with you, considering this huge discrepancy. You should not try to press a person in accepting/ complying with your kinks if they are not down for it. Sex is supposed to make both participants feel good, and in this case it doesn't work out. Try seeing a couple therapist as soon as possible.
>hurr I'm not angry Call it whatever you like, slice it however you want. You're in the wrong. There are plenty of things in life you can pressure people into doing without much issue, but pressuring people to do sexual things makes you an ass at best and a candidate for jail at worst. Don't hide behind kinks/BDSM to be a jackass, even doms with subs have to respect when they say no.
Yes, it is a stretch to compare these two things and even you are aware of that, so I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here.
You sound like a complete feminist cunt. So it’s unreasonable for OP to want kinks, but it’s nit unreasonable for his wife to ask him to do things he doesn’t want to do, which we know happens constantly in any relationship.
These are all kinks that would make your wife feel self conscious and it makes sense that she's uncomfortable. What if shit gets on his dick? What if it hurts? What if someone sees the pics? Holy fuck farting in his face!?
Have you maybe thought of trying softer kinks, easing her into it. Building her confidence for that sort of thing, making sure that she knows that she shouldn't be scared of what you think about her due to this. If she broke down it means she cares but is obviously avoiding it because she doesn't know what to do.
I do feel like a lot of her apprehension is due to self-conscience. For example she tells me she doesnt like to 69 because "I get so self-conscience with my asshole being in your face" even though I have told her a million times that I think that is the hottest part of it.
>unrelated, I don't normally post here but does the page that the thread on ever update? It constantly stays a question mark on my browser. I've never seen this on any other board
>having boundaries means that you're a feminist cunt!!11!! You do know that there's a difference between partaking in potentially painful sex acts and, say, going shopping with your wife even if you don't want to, right?
I’m not OP at all, and you do realize out of the short list he made only one is potentially painful. If his wife farted on him it would be absolutely nothing detrimental to her at all, she farts anyway but she’s not willing to do so in anyway that may give OP some weird sense of sexual gratification. That’s defacto selfishness, the fact she will do it only so long as it isn’t in a context like OP wants.
I don’t even know why OP is here asking questions, to me it’s obvious she doesn’t care about his sexual needs and he should feel no shame in fucking hookers. There is no emotional connection there so it’d only be OP getting the physical part that he needs.
You need to try and get her out of that mindset, which takes time user. Build her confidence. Get her excited in public, send her naughty pics first and don't be discouraged if she says no. If she wants you to stop, stop. But if she sees how much you want it through actions and not words she might ease into it. If she's already doing things like 69s though you have some hope, but know that some things will always be off limits. She doesn't understand why you find that attractive so probably has in her mind that you don't.
>Should update normally
You. She's not comfortable with it and you're pressuring her to get into something she's not fine with by making her feel guilty and using her love for you as a leverage. Asking someone to do something they absolutely don't want to do and that makes them feel bad for your sake is very selfish. You should NEVER be frustrated at someone for having limits. I say this as a person who is extremely kinky. I'd never be frustrated at my partner for not wanting to indulge in something I'm into.
It's not unreasonable for him to have kinks, it's unreasonable for him to expect her to comply to them when she doesn't want to. I have plenty of kinks and my boyfriend is not obligated to take part in any of them if he's not down. Sex is something that is supposed to feel good for both of you.
Imagine your girlfriend told you she has a cuck fetish. By your reasoning, you either accept getting cheated on or you're a selfish partner. Imagine your girlfriend putting up a scene because she doesn't get to fuck other people, and she's masturbating in public to get off because "I MEAN YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME FUCK THAT GUY". It's fucking retarded and OP is being an asshole.
So OP has either 2 options.
>give into his kinks with somebody > try to repress kinks
We all know kinks can only be repressed so long, so he may as well act on them.
Or he can do what most people do and just jerk off while thinking of them. Having a partner who isn't down to do what you'd like to do in the bedroom isn't an excuse to cheat, or be a cunt about it with them. If you pick a partner that isn't compatible with you in the bedroom, you can't get mad because they don't want to do what you like in the bedroom.
>people comparing sex to regular activities My dude, the level and type of emotion involved in sex is completely different from going to a fucking musical. Honestly it's a miracle that she's still in a relationship despite how this obviously affects her feelings about op.
>We all know kinks can only be repressed so long, Only if you're the kind of degenerate who cultivates them in the first place.
Yeah, the rest of them are degrading which isn't really better. People are not obligated to do stuff they're uncomfortable with. OP fucked up by choosing a wrong partner. He only has himself to blame. I really think that he should get divorced if his precious kinks are so important to him.
>if your wife doesn't want to BRAAAP in your face she's selfish What the fuck is wrong with you
Proof that Brap posting has finally gone too far.
What? If anything she is being extremely selfish IMO. She doesn't even attempt anything OP said he was into.
You are going about this the wrong way. You're just putting her in an untenable situation where she feels guilty if she doesn't do it, but like she's betraying herself if she does. This is torment.
Instead you should be trying to make her fucking HORNY for those things. You gotta get her to suggest these things when she's ready.
Basically when you're fucking her, and you got her in the zone, you gotta use your dirty talk, if she comes to vivid fantasies of your filthy kinks it creates powerful positive associations. Then you are sharing yourself and your beautiful view of the world with her rather than coercing and getting all mad.
It's not a matter of indulging you, it's a matter of her feeling forced into things that clearly make her very uncomfortable ("objectifying/painful"). But clearly you're also suffering now. Which means you need to find a compromise. Don't see it as "against indulging me in any way." She doesn't want you to be unhappy, she just doesn't want to have a terrible experience with sex. Gloryholes and face-farting are both extreme. Anal is often painful and has hygiene concerns. Naughty pics can be circulated. You need to understand her reasons for being uncomfortable with these things. Making her cry won't make her okay with kink stuff, it'll make her miserable because she'll feel pressured into it.
Then you need to find something she's okay with that's outside your standard. Maybe it's as mild as a different position. Try the Mojo Upgrade test. There'll probably be something that you're both okay with doing.
I think you both need to be more aware of the other's needs. She needs to think about what she is okay with so you don't go crazy and get labeled a sex offender, and you need to understand that you can't cross her boundaries for your own sexual pleasure. She isn't a villain, she just doesn't want to be violated. You two need to talk about this and really listen to each other. If there really is no middle ground, find safer ways that you can get off by yourself.
I was going to say you deserve to be gassed, but apparently you already have that covered. Keep trying, maybe some day it'll run its course and we'll be rid of your presence.
How is farting on someone or sending nudes extreme? I get nudes from girls who I don’t even know their last name, OP is married to this cunt.
You will be heart broken if she leaves you over this.
Or he would feel a sense of accomplishment for leaving her and being able to indulge in his desire. Nobody should have to feel like they are trapped in life.
Not even willing to try is the most insufferable thing honestly. I would understand if it was just a few specfic things that she rejected but not willing to step out of one's comfort zone whatsoever for the sake of your partner is just bad. I'm surprised that you got so far into relationship since I doubt that her display of this attitude is limited to sex.
I don't think that's what they're saying. Having kinks is perfectly fine, but you can't try to force them onto your partner. I'm a huge footfag but if my partner wasn't comfortable with her feet being played with or adored, I wouldn't do it and I probably wouldn't be with her. I'm curious as to how OP ended up marrying someone who's not sexually compatible with him.
I agree with this. The stuff OP is asking is weird, but most of it isn’t painful. It literally comes down to her not being willing to inconvenience herself in the slightest.
Okay. Your girlfriend is into cuckoldry and having you eat someone else's semen out of your pussy. It's not painful, maybe a little weird. Would you do it?
>cheating is the same as doing something strange
Oh no, it's a fetish, it's not cheating. It's cuckoldry.
You can change it with "your girlfriend wants to fuck a dog while you watch". Or your girlfriend wants you to eat her shit.
You. You're being selfish. My ex never wanted anal. We tried once and she fuckin squealed. I teased her about it but I'd never put her through that pain again.
Married man here.
I don't think it's a question of "selfish" I think it's a question of compatibility. A couple are compatible on a few levels: personality, lifestyle, goals, and sex.
Sounds like you guys aren't 100% compatible in the sex area. You want some kinky stuff and she wants to keep it Vanilla. You can ask her to spice it up a little, but you can't force her into becoming something sexually that she is not. If you force her she will resent you for it and stop enjoying sex.
I think you may just need to accept what you get and also try to have her open up a little bit. Otherwise the road you are going down is going to really damage your marriage and if you cheat to get your thrills it will destroy the marriage.
In my own story, I'm happy with my wife, but she won't swallow my cum. Which really makes me sad. But every other category she is good.
OP is not only selfish, but stupid. Stupid for not sorting all of this shit out LONG before getting into a relationship.
"Trying" something can be traumatic or change someone's perception of you. Anal's one thing, but like, fucking in a gloryhole? What if someone sees her? She can't take that shit back. Farting in your face? A), if my girlfriend wanted me to fart in her face, I'd think less of her as some gross fuck who will get pink eye, B) I'd be worried I might accidentally shit right in her face. And lastly, naughty pics can be spread everywhere if someone hacks your phone.
I can't blame her, you should have looked ahead to the potential of this. No one should be forced to do something with their body that they don't want, and you should respect that shit.
SeeThe people who say OP is stupid for Marrying someone he isn’t sexually compatible with are retarded. I am in the same situation, and it would be insane for me to leave my wife simply because I think she’s a little boring. Outside of sex she’s the 110% the person for me.
>I just cope with hookers.
Sure but she tried which makes it another thing entirely so stop virtue signalling you dumb faggot.
OP is basically saying that his wife isn't open to experiments whatsoever which is selfish however you look at it. He still has himself to blame for not identifying the issue before he commited to marriage. She might be a bitch about it but OP is retarded nonetheless.
>she doesn't swallow she doesn't love you mate
You're boring with these excuses. If she gave a shit then she would communicate with OP and at least try to find something that satisfies him and he wouldn't be posting here.
Married for 4.5 years. Female. My story: >husband loves a thicc ass >my white ass is flat af >start to feel bad about myself >tell husband I feel bad >says he loves me and didn't marry for body >feel better As a woman, not feeling like you are the exact dream girl in any way is fucking horrible. I knew that he loved big asses and I can't give him that without a surgery. A normal line of communication is key. Don't force the subject, but don't let it be forgotten. If she does agree to try something, make her feel safe. Don't tell her she's doing it wrong. After the act, let her know you loved it and she pleased you in a new way.
I don't think that OP's wife shares your attitude.
You're right. This is a much more complex situation.
Let me give you an example of my wife:
>I am 100% an ass man always have been >my wife is a petite 120lbs >she is always saying "look how small my butt is" >"I wish I had a bigger ass" >"sorry my ass isnt big enough for you"
Here's the kicker, I am CONSTANTLY telling her I think her ass is amazing, not because I am lying, but because I really think it is. It has the perfect shape, every time she strips down to panties, ill reach over and grab it, some times I just lay around rubbing her ass because I enjoy it so much. Even in the face of all of this she still is not only negative about her ass, but tells me "I wish I had a bigger ass so youd like it more" even though I think her ass is 100% perfect.
I guess to me as a person, not just in the bedroom, none of these things are things I would be worried about. Then again I am extremely laid back and my wife is somewhat uptight.
I know what you mean, I feel as though my wife is perfect for me in everyday other than her reservedness in the sack.
OP here again
My wife just came home, and she said she was having a group text with some of her friends about being vanilla in bed. Well 2 of the close friends are and one of them is apparently super kinky, the kinky one told my wife just to drink wine and it would ease her nerves and she would be down for more (neither my wife or myself drink alcohol). My wife told me she had decided she would be willing to drink some wine and loosen herself up to "experiment" more in the bedroom
I told her didn't want her to do that. I told her that in my opinion needing to take something to open yourself up to doing something you aren't comfortable with just seems wrong, I told her I would feel at that point like I was almost date raping her.Perhaps I should have told her to do it, but I've already told her no.
>wife tries to get into your sick kinks >you say no because she isn’t getting into them how you want her to
Fuck off faggot.
Honestly OP I feel like that was your best chance.
Sounds like she has some deep-seated self-esteem problems
I don't think anyone gets the perfect woman.
I'd say I have almost the perfect woman and that's more than most men get so I'm happy.
Please don’t do this OP
Ok so OP is a fucking hopeless retard. Abandon thread.
The single overpowering rule of sex is Never do anything unless both parties are equally enthusiastic about it.
Better for you to go without your kink than for her to be forced or guilted into doing something distasteful to her.
(And the same would be true if she wanted you to do something you didn't want)
Why don’t either of you drink?
You were right to do that, OP.
>bitch all day about wife not being open and not wanting to try kinks in bed >she finally opens up and is willing to try it with a little liquid courage >only now does OP decide to take the "high ground" you deserve to be miserable you retard
You people are terrible if you truly think OP should have effectively raped his wife.
As long as you're not shaming her or anything because of it, you're not being selfish. She isn't selfish either. That's just the way you two are and you have to accept it. If you haven't tried yet, you could try easing into stuff very slowly and see how she responds. I mean like very very vanilla kinks and work your way up if she responds positively. But don't jerk it in public ever again, if I was her that'd be a huge red flag in the relationship.
My bf of 5 years is the exact same way as your wife. Very vanilla, no kinks at all. Has never even watched porn, which I think is why he is the way he is. He'll sometimes treat me to a light choke but that's as far as it goes bc he doesn't wanna hurt or objectify me. It was frustrating at first, but I've just come to accept it because everything else about him is perfect.