My girlfriend's daughter is upset that I treat her differently than my daughter

My girlfriend's daughter is upset that I treat her differently than my daughter.

I'm currently living with my girlfriend, who was a single mom. We're not married yet, we just thought living together would be more convenient. She has an 11 year old daughter and I have a 10 year old daughter. My girlfriend pretty much outright told me that she didn't really want me involved in her daughters life, at all, as a father figure. The reason for this is she has her dad and she didn't want to force a new dad on her or anything.

Fair enough, I wasn't going to bother her about it. Just because we live in the same house doesn't mean I have to force her to see me as a dad. Plus I didn't want problems with her real father, whatever. But this created an awkward situation. Even though her daughter didn't really like me initially, she actually really likes me a lot now and is pretty attached to me. I treat her friendly and stuff, I don't snub her or anything. But my daughter is my daughter, so obviously the treatment will be different.

She's not stupid, she notices. She notices that I buy my daughter presents, she notices I take my daughter out more, she notices that I spend time with her more, she notices that I treat my daughter like she's my little girl and I treat her like a kid that I know. Its not that I don't want to do anything with her, its just that I literally cannot. It just isn't my place to get involved with her with her parents pretty much agreeing on that fact. Obviously, my girlfriend doesn't get involved with my daughter either but my daughter frankly doesn't give a shit in that regard.

Of course, this is causing some problems. Her daughter is fighting with my daughter and she outright asked me why I treat her so much better. I couldn't really answer her without throwing her mom under the bus. She's upset at me because despite what my girlfriend wants, she sees me as a dad.

How can I fix this?

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Excellent example you’re setting for both girls by showing them it’s okay to treat your girlfriend like an unpaid whore. I hope you’re happy when your daughter shacks up with a loser instead of waiting for marriage.

What the hell are you talking about? Did you even read OP's post? Get the hell out of here.

What the fuck are you tall about?

Tell that little whiner to go ask her real father for shit.

this, way to set a poor example

That's another man's child, she's not your problem. It's hers and her mother's problem that her real dad is shit.

You do your best to give YOUR daughter the best childhood you can, forget that third wheel.

>My girlfriend pretty much outright told me that she didn't really want me involved in her daughters life, at all, as a father figure

Then defer the conversation to her mother. Her mother has veto'd you as the father figure so it is up to her to explain it to the child.

I get it, shitty situation my guy, but by explaining it to the child, you will inevitably be assuming the role of a father.

How often does she see her dad OP?

I suppose so but I feel like an asshole just telling her to talk to her mother and its not really my problem. She's a little kid and her feelings are hurt. I hate seeing her sad and crying.

Once a week? Sometimes every two weeks?

You have or have not talked to your girlfriend about this at great length on the terms of 'now it's directly affecting how the girls are treating each other, and if we don't resolve it, one or both is going to do something potentially traumatic to the other in a vie for getting attention, or getting the other off their back'?

Kids are fucking scary, man, they can fuck each other up good. Get on your girlfriend and fucking address this before it gets even more fucked.

>Her real dad
will always be her real dad. Nothing you ever do or say will ever change that in her head and as she gets older and her relationship with her dad grows along with her, that will change and adapt to mean whatever it means. You don't have to not be a 'better' figure, though-- if he can't step up, maybe that's his problem and not yours? The daughter is clearly willing to receive the behavior of being treated like your daughter so why not cross the bridge? You two (yourself and your GF) won't be getting any MORE intimate without deepening the bond you share with the other's kid, so now seems good a time as any to cross the bridge firm and fast here and now. Otherwise, if you don't intend to get that serious with the girl, maybe it's better to walk out now before you, and your daughter, cause some serious disasters and rifts.

If your GF is content to argue that her dad should be XYZ influence in her life, maybe hit back with 'then why am I around, and not him?' to drive home the point-- things are different, things have changed, and her daughter clearly respects you as a father figure of some sort. Possibly more than her own father.

Oh man, imagine how that little girl must feel. Your parents are your world when you're little and one of her parental figures just outright shows the other girl favoritism. That must feel like she's being eternally cucked day in and day out.

But sad to say OP, it isn't really your problem. Its not your job to be a dad when you're not wanted.

Yeah in some degree you're probably going to feel like an arsehole for not giving a straight answer but such is the price of living in a domain where you have no authority.

Personally I'd bring it up with gf. If you aren't able to reach a better situation, explain that if she isn't willing to essentially devolve some fatherhood to you, then she needs to take responsibility for her own choices with her child.

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This sounds kind of similar to what my oldest brother and his gf might be going through but your kids are far much older than theirs.

But yeah, instead of throwing your gf under the bus throw her "real" dad under the bus instead for not being as cool as you are. An 11 year-old is more than cognisant enough to understand divorce so it doesn't make sense why she's acting like a 5 year-old or why her mother is treating her like a 5 year-old who shouldn't be allowed to honor you as a stepfather.

A lot of divorced kids end up preferring the family style of one parent + step parent than the other real parent's side. You may not be her blood father but your gf is retarded in trying to say blood > honor, otherwise she can just remarry his "real" ass to ""fix"" the family lmfao.

My point was that this wouldn’t be an issue if they weren’t shacking up. But I forget that the rest of the country finds shacking up acceptable.

>Obviously, my girlfriend doesn't get involved with my daughter either but my daughter frankly doesn't give a shit in that regard.
I noticed that little girls are a lot less touchy about their moms.

Talk to your girlfriend and change the way you're handing the situation. Get her biological dad involved in the decision too.
The kid is suffering. Your plans don't matter because it is making the child suffer.
Treat both kids the same when they're around each other.

I understand her parent's position, but if your daughter is suffering it should matter more than anything.

I don't see the problem, frankly.

If your girlfriend wants her daughter to grow up neglected and bitter, that's her prerogative.

Your focus is your own child and your own problems.

You shack up with unpaid whores?

Molest her so she'll hate you.

I don’t shack up with anyone. Living together is for marriage.

I don't think its "throwing her mom under the bus" to have a logical conversation with a child in your family, OP. I know they're just kids, but kids are usually pretty keenly aware when adults lie to them or keep things from them. Don't get me wrong, you buy a lot of little fibs at face value when you're 10, as evidenced by the massive number of kids who genuinely believe in Santa - but there's nothing wrong with telling a kid the truth about an uncomfortable situation when they realize that its uncomfortable and ask you a straight question about it.

In any case, her mom created the problem by insisting on the third degree of separation. Her mom should probably be the one to explain why.

You need to point this all out to the gf.

Actually, I think he's spot on. You really shouldn't be paying for some chick's room and board if she's not married to you. The closest analogy is... well, a prostitute that you don't pay for. She sure as hell isn't family, by blood OR by marriage.

You realize that pretty much every couple lives together before marriage, right? This isn't some uncommon trendy nonsense OP is doing. Moving in is the mid-point between being a couple and getting married. This is standard practice. Do some couples deviate? Sure, but this is the norm.

>Pretty much every couple
>The norm

Gonna need to see some sources on that, buddy. Honestly, it sounds like a poor financial decision and a poor personal decision. You're giving up a lot of agency, giving that person the potential to sue you if they live with you for more than a couple years on the grounds that they provided a standard of living that you became accustomed to (Similar to the same process used to sue after marriage on the same grounds) and giving up a lot of money, to say nothing of the astronomical leap between "Some chick you started dating" and "The woman you want to marry" being more of a mountain than a molehill. It really seems like a terrible decision all around, so I find it difficult to believe that "Most" people do that. I believe that most people are dumb enough to fall into that trap, but that doesn't actually mean that that's the norm.

Have you ever been in a relationship, user?

Okay you're either retarded, a troll, a millennial, or all of the above. You honestly believe most serious couples don't move in together eventually before marriage? Really? It doesn't matter what you think about it, this is what people do. Source? That's like asking for source that most couples have sex. There's no fucking study on this, this is just common knowledge.

This is a joke of a post if you're being serious. I've seen some dumb shit on this website but this is up there.

A lot of people have had an abortion, doesn’t make it right.

Have you ever been in a successful relationship that led to a marriage that didn’t end up in divorce?

The Church doesn’t like that, though

user, you're going to have to throw your girlfriend under the bus on this one.

So.. you're living with a woman who you probably.. love? I assume.

So it's not realistic for her or her ex to assume you can not be involved in her daughter's life in the exact same way when they're both in the same house.

The child is fucking 10 years old. Why don't you tell her mother, maturely, to sit with her ex, her, you, and the girls, and ask the 10 year old what she fucking wants and then treat her that way so she feels better about the fucked up situation all 3 of you are putting her in?

Just ignore her. I don't understand this meme that you have to do anything about someone elses child just because you're in their vicinity.

You have your daughter to worry about, forget about her.

I assume the mom has made her own personal ideas about whats "best" for her daughter. If shes like mine she wont admit or reflect over it until her 50s. Like some other poster said if her father so good why isnt he to the mom and tell her her daughter is getting sad and angry about what shes making you do. Take care of the kid.

Just talk it out with your girlfriend and have a family sit down. Tell her daughter why she’s being treated differently by you out of respect for her relationship to her real dad. Pass the blame outside the circle so you can still be friendly. You aren’t really her dad yet because you haven’t adopted her or even married her mom. Things might change but if the father isn’t cool with you playing dad, then I’d back off from the subject and focus on your own kid. I’m looking at this from the other guy’s perspective, being a dad isn’t something you can take away from a man and live a peaceful life after. He’ll come for your girlfriend and drag her through court date after court date.

>. I couldn't really answer her without throwing her mom under the bus.

i honestly don't see a way around doing this.

.you want to keep your girlfriend, you have to follow the groundwork she sets for her kids, i get it.

Instead of her daughter, first you need to have a serious talk with the GF, and tell her whats going on, and doing nothing is not an option for her because she's fucking with your daughter now. Once you know how she reacts to this, you have a few options.

>she blows you off
This is proof you probably shouldn't live together, let alone build any deeper relationship.

>she agrees, but is unwilling to do anything
this is when I would go straight to her daughter and tell her that this is a discussion between the daughter and her mom, and that if she (and you) wants to change you can coach her on how to talk to her mom

>best possible case, she re-thinks her position on the live-in father figure (you) vs the bio father
then you all can renegotiate what the overall picture should look like together.

but this is all assuming general good faith on everyone's part...

Couldn't have said it better

I lived a similar situation and you are in a no win. You have the responsibility to make this work and no authority. The three people responsible are the father, your gf and the child. They need to work the absent coparent thing out not you.

So, you tell your cunt of a gf to fix this or you are out. Second, you are delusional if you think this is not impacting your own child. She should be your first priority and it is not being helped by dragging her into your relationship and decision to cohabit in this inescapable bad situation.

Give her "special" secret attention. In the mouth.

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W8 till shes legal and then fuck her. You see you have to show dominance so its important that you piss on her afterwards. Also to show dominance towards your gf its important thst you fuck her daughter in front of her. Piss on her too just to male sure sbe gets the point.

When u fuck her do it ANALY not i vagina. Alphas fuck gals in da butt, while cuck bois do it in the vegana.

Take them out together buy gifts for both be more generous to your daughter but very privately, so other kid won't notice, generally its a shitty situation at least for my own experience. (Fist fight with step-dad, left the house, broken relationship with my mom beyond repair) don't be that kind of fucker user

Tell your girlfriend to deal with it. She’s the one setting up barriers between you and her daughter. It’s her kid not yours.


Just wait 7 years and she'll be yours. You could try to make her want your attention. Push and pull

Hey OP could you give us an update on your situation. Thanks

Either tell her what her mother said or talk to her mother about it.

>she notices. She notices that I buy my daughter presents, she notices I take my daughter out more
>she's my little girl and I treat her like a kid that I know
That sounds pretty bad. Can you afford to treat both of them well? Just because you took your stepdaughter out for ice cream doesn’t mean that you’re stealing her away. If anything, it’s the courts that do that, and they probably have their reasons.

If you’re splitting the bills and rent and housework, you’re the fucking father whether your girlfriend wants that or not. Fuck her. Have a conversation with her and let her know that if you’re not the step dad, then you shouldn’t live together, because that’s not fair to the child who is getting attached to you.

>I'm currently living with my girlfriend, who was a single mom. We're not married yet, we just thought living together would be more convenient. She has an 11 year old daughter and I have a 10 year old daughter. My girlfriend pretty much outright told me that she didn't really want me involved in her daughters life, at all
We're hitting levels of cuckoldry that shouldn't even be possible

Kek how’s that hunt for the perfect virgin bride coming along?

>it would be a shame if you never got to reproduce because of such high standards, goyim. Impossible standards.

Wonder who caused you to have such maladaptive beliefs.

>don't have impossible standards, goy
I wonder who made those standards, once ubiquitous, "impossible"... It's almost as if...

Wow this sounds crazy unhealthy and like a situation thought out by somebody with the emotional maturity of a teenager. We'll all live together as a family, but you need to act like it isn't a family because ... real dad will get butt hurt? He wants his daughter to be unhappy? Real mom will be pissed off? She wants her daughter to be unhappy? You don't have any rights to each others children? Because this a temporary situation? Oh wow. It is super weird that people with children would get together and live together in a situation that is basically convenient to share bills, but not really think of the children.

The conversation is basically ... I'm never going to, nor do I want to replace your real dad, but while we all live together I'm going to be fair and treat you all with care and compassion? They'll be times when you are out with your real dad and daughter gets nothing, presents at Christmas, birthday and so on and they'll be times like that here at home. Sometimes it is fair, sometimes it isn't, but we'll always do our best and we'll all care for each other.

Can you tell a kid the world isn't fair and it is better to focus on what you have and what positives you can do rather than what you don't and what others have?

I feel so bad for the kid. Single mothers are some of the worst people.

Talk with your girlfriend about it. Tell her that her daughter really likes you and is jealous of your affection to your daughter. Tell her that she doesn't live with her ex anymore and can't keep a family relationship between her and her ex and their daughter, that you are a part of her life now and if this ends up becoming more than GF and BF, then her daughter will be your daughter and vice versa, that she can't igbore this relationship forever. It seems like she doesn't plan on staying with you to marriage if she won't allow you to be close to her daughter.