Talking to some girl

>talking to some girl
>forget basic rule of keeping it short online
>fucking mention something personal for some reason
>see conversation and her interest die

What the fuck is wrong with me. I have been so careful but this just fucked up everything. I'm just mad at myself but can't even lift away my feels because of an injury.

I was trying to be more open with people instead of closing myself off all the time but God fuck clearly I have no experience doing so. I went way too far I know this. There's no way I can talk to her, I don't think it's the right thing to do, and I think I've fucked things completely, no doubt she will be looking at me in a different light when she used to come talk to me.

What do from here? Everything feels detached.

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What did you say? What's so personal?

That one of my parents is dead. I don't even know why. I know about particularly private things about her parents that she told me but God fuck I don't see why I sent that message

I almost exclusively say or imply that both of my parents are alive when talking to people so I don't know it's just all so fucked.

Time to get a bucket of ice cream, lad

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I'm not gonna cope with eating. I'm just gonna wonder why I thought things would turn out well, how I'm gonna retreat back into keeping to myself, how unhealthy yet familiar those thought patterns are, and how I'm gonna act normal and pretend nothing happened to everyone else.

On some level the only answer I probably need is to just move on and wait it out and carry on what I was doing with my life before I met her.

Good lad. Remember, everything gets better with practice.

I think you are overreacting man just relax

Very true. I'm getting to the point where I am too old to be young and still need practice but yes, fucks sake it's a learning experience aaaaàaaaa

I've spent most my life hiding my life and pretending to be someone confident and normal out of fear I'd be rejected or made fun of if I opened up. So this felt like a slap in the face reminding me those thoughts were accurate to reality

I mean your probably right I shouldn't take this so badly but its gonna be a bitch carrying on in the meantime

It's okay to tell other's personal details but telling someone your parent is dead is a mood killer 100% of the time. What are they supposed to say to that? They sure as shit don't know. And even if they give you a "oh I'm sorry to hear that" you've still ruined the conversation.

I'm not saying you need to lie about the death of your parent. I'm just saying learn how to bring it up.

I'm just saying maybe she didn't know how to respond to what you told her because it was a negative topic and that can be uncomfortable but I don't think that you have reason to think that she lost interest in your or whatever

Fuck

I didn't stop to consider that, I've just been used to having no dad in my life so may be they thought about it in terms of how they'd feel if they lost their dad.

Still, I'm afraid I've shown a weakness, not just said something socially retarded, because before this I tried to be a guy who had nothing wrong with him

Op here, don't want to make a new thread but still need advice. Ok so I'm going to be careful to not be dumb mentioning my dad is dead but when if ever do I mention my mom has cancer too? Is this a close friend thing? Assume I have none of those.

>Everything feels detached.

You are detached. You expect a deep conversation out of a chat.

The problem is not that your parents are dead or sick, the problem is that you bring it up during flirting. A chat is to ask people out and share memes, so use it for that.

>mfw this faux pas getting pointed out to me

Fucks sake is there any hope of recovery or is it one of these 'depends on her' answers

Yeah, it depends on her. When it comes to human interaction, it always takes two.

>because before this I tried to be a guy who had nothing wrong with him

Why do you sabotage yourself like this? Deciding you can never have anything wrong and then literally dropping a bomb out of nowhere is self sabotage if I've ever seen it.

I dont know, i got encouraged to open up by a sibling lest I remain someone who can never open up but it looks like I took it too far.

You should reject the social confines of forced masculinity. Openly express your feelings and emotions whenever the fuck you want and fuck anyone that has a problem with it. Life is too short to waste your time and mental energy on people who aren’t emotionally honest.

How did you meet this girl?

As always, the caveat is that people don't need to like what you do and can act onit. If you bring up dead whales during foreplay then you can't be mad you didn't get to fuck.

I’m not saying bring up dead whales during foreplay. But carrying out mindless small talk you don’t give a shot about when you are suffering inside is emotionally exhausting and stressful, and ultimately fruitless because you are presenting an inauthentic version of yourself that will inevitably be outed anyways.

Life is too short to be wild and still get a job. I understand how unhealthy it is to stifle emotions but practically speaking, keeping up a semblance of a confident, joking and somewhat traditional male is what gets me money for important things, like being financially capable of supporting my mom if the cancer turns out to have metastasized. I mean this is where I get told you should have close friends who can be confidantes for these things but I'm still not getting too far there, even if I get along with people well because of the charade.

Uni. Never really talked to her until she talked to me

I know. I'm thinking of asking out a guy coworker for after works drinks to shoot the shit. Maybe that'll help ease me into properly opening up.

>Wants gf
>say there's a rule about not getting intimate with her
Wtf do you think happens when you two do get toghether?

Yeah, well, your job is one thing. That’s something you HAVE to do. But any social interaction that you choose to use your precious emotional energy on should be authentic. That’s my opinion. It’s not something that happens overnight, it’s a goal to work towards to live a more fulfilling life.

People don't talk about dead parents at any place, at any time. Being respectful is not the same as being fake.

I think that’s a good idea. Something that I wish more young men would do, instead of venting about roasties on the internet or what the fuck ever, is just work together to unlearn the massive emotional walls we’ve been taught to build up around ourselves since childhood. It’s fucking hard.

>Uni. Never really talked to her until she talked to me

And how did the topic of your father come up?

Well I disagree with you. Death is something literally everyone deals with. I honestly don’t give a shit about coddling anyone that refuses to acknowledge that and talk about it if it’s needed.

A decent girl will not be put off by anything you say (within reason).
People are scared of how to react to such a sad thing, and I guess you can't blame them, I think the last time someone said that to me, I just said 'I'm really sorry to hear that' and let the conversation move on without being dismissive, easier said than done.
I'd get in touch and break the ice, be open, be honest, if she's still cold, then desu you've dodged a bullet, but you might be surprised.
BTW, sorry to hear you lost a parent

Honestly, not even mention a tenth of the shit I've admitted or just poured out here. I was a major fuck up, anonymity is a pure cocaine when it comes to having to unload things.

I try to be authentic when there's no real risk to the jig being up. Sympathizing with others and their problems, their complaints about life etc. I try to make them feel listened to, if I can empathize I will, to feel better etc. Guess I'm just more retarded than a toddler when it comes to talking about my own shit unless I'm anonymous. I think im also getting toooo harsh with the banter with the girl as well. But hey I'm here for a reason.

And yeah it is a long process

Cause of death. I don't even fucking know I said it up there I'm retarded and don't understand why I did it in foresight.

You’re not retarded, talking about your feelings, especially as a young man, is difficult, like you said, it’s a process. It’s going to make you feel scared, small, stupid, embarrassed, you name it. But over time those fears will fade once you realize that the only thing you’ve been doing is being an honest human. You have to push through it even when you feel uncomfortable.

Maybe you felt like you had to fill in for a potentially awkward silence. Trust me, we're all the same, I'm still terrible at talking to women and I'm 42 ffs.

>talk about it if it’s needed.

That's the thing, it's not a topic you can drop at any time with anyone. Being in touch with your feeling means respecting those of others, too.

>Cause of death.

What you mean? Where you talking about car crashes and that's how he died?

It was over text so it was even worse, pauses are easily explained over those.

Let's say he was a heavy drinker.

I don't care for the particular reason, I'm asking how the topic came up. How you introduced this idea to what is basically a stranger.

This is not shaming you or calling you a retard. Calling yourself names doesn't solve anything. Looking at this and asking what happened can help you grow. Self punishment won't help.

Well that's how it happened we were talking about heavy drinking and I mentioned it.

And what did you expect when you mentioned it?

I think your being to harsh on yourself dude, we're all awkward with women, I flirt a bit with a girl I work with on txt, I feel like a total retard most of the time, but she seems OK. We've all said or done things we wish we hadn't, you've gotta just move on from it.

She might be kicking herself for not giving a more empathetic response, you never know

I have no clue. I think it was a rash move to just be more open and take a leap????

I hope not, I spent a few good months kicking myself thinking I'd hurt her somehow when in actual fact there was a completely different reason to things.

>take a leap

Into what?

I don't know. A few times in my life I've relied upon impulse decisions to stop hesitating.

So it was a desicion. What did you expect would happen? You can keep acting like you rolled a die to decide to say it or not, but we both know what's a lie. You choose to do it. Why?

I did it to take a leap of faith with opening up to someone. Maybe it was something I had often talked to myself about in my own head, and out of habit I said it.

>Maybe it was something I had often talked to myself about in my own head, and out of habit I said it.

No, don't lie. You admit you talked to your brother about opening up, so it didn't slip. You choose to open up.

What did you expect would come out of opening up?

I often deceive or pretend but in this case I can barely remember why, except for it being an impulse decision. Is there an answer I am supposed to say? Should I have been expecting something?

>Is there an answer I am supposed to say? Should I have been expecting something?

Unless you randomly decided whether to be honest or not, then yeah, you were expecting something, that's whwy you decided to do it instead of lying.

You need to look at your motivations to understand your actions.

Well looking at my posts I seem to be distressed about being socially dumb and her looking at me differently, so I expected to not make her think I was those things. However, there was nothing close to that level of conscious thinking, it was impulsive like I said

>Well looking at my posts I seem to be distressed about being socially dumb and her looking at me differently, so I expected to not make her think I was those things.

So you though mentioning your parent would make you look "normal" and "without problems"? You mentioned that a few times, so do you think that's what went down?

You're ascribing more tact to my actions than I had. It was impulsive, if I had stopped talking and considered for a moment wtf I was doing I wouldn't have said it.

>if I had stopped talking and considered for a moment wtf I was doing I wouldn't have said it.

Are you sure? It's easy to say that afterwards, but are you sure you wouldn't have mentioned it?

Again, you have told us you are trying to be more honest and more open several times.

Ok I was opening myself up, misguidely, in an attempt to learn how to be vulnerable, and expecting on some level any reaction which didn't leave me wanting to post here. Or i just wasnt even thinking of the consequences, as a poster pointed out, things like this in a conversation is a two way street and I didn't think about considering her feelings.

>not being friends with the girl you like so you can talk personal shit with her
casual relationships will hollow you out. don't go looking for a girlfriend, go looking for A friend. you will broaden your horizons as you step into new circles.

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Hi, fellow "dad is ded" here.

The fact is the more it comes up the more it seems like a wielded excuse. I've ardently hid that fact about my life (that my dad is dead) in as much as I skirt around it expertly in conversation by avoiding any inclinations. People just don't really need to know; and if they do, they'll ask.

My greatest fear (and it happened!) was and is people taking my tragedy and using it to elevate their social status. You know, "Look at my tragic boyfriend. I'm so soulful for helping him out!" And that happened, I got a bitch who wanted to trophy me like some sort of pity case that broke her long streak of being an actual easy case. But hey, I don't think she's gotten over me yet so das' cool.

The thing is, people use that shit nowadays my man. People always want attention. We get people on Jow Forums making threads like, "Why can't tragedy happen to me?" And these people are all over the place in real life too, they're not elusive like SJWs are.

There are so many angles to the issue. For me, it's been best avoided since like 90% of people I will ever interact with will not understand death the way I understand it. They won't 'get' it.

This is what I'm doing, made a plan to go get food and drinks with a colleague for the first time in over a decade.