I posted last month, but I've gotten worse

I posted last month, but I've gotten worse.

I'm a virgin straight girl. But I've always found women to just be visually hotter than men, and I often fantasize about them, though my fantasies have a lot to do with loss of control. I was okay with being a 'heteroromantic bisexual' or something for years. Then recently, I was in a relationship with a perfect, caring guy I could only see as a friend, and I happened to read some internet posts that say if you have more physical attraction to the same sex, you're probably repressed gay. These things broke me.

I went through what Jow Forums told me was homosexual OCD, which fit exactly. Every day I repeatedly interrogated myself about whether I'd fall in love with a woman in this or that situation and whether any of my attractions to men were ever real. I'm not homophobic, my parents aren't homophobic, and even after I told them I was bisexual, the label just felt wrong and I felt so much stress just from imagining myself dating a girl. I was especially terrified I was indeed a repressed lesbian.

I realized this was all about being uninterested in the guy I was dating and resolved to end it. That day I finally felt free and calm; still didn't know if I was straight or slightly bi but it didn't matter.

When I broke up with him I felt so guilty. I saw how I broke an excellent guy's heart just because of my stupid lack of attraction. I dove right back into anxiety and convinced myself in anguish that I was a lesbian.

On the one hand, I think I'm probably mostly straight. I've been truly in love with guys and have crushes on them, and this gay stuff is probably just guilt about this guy. On the other hand, I'm rationally pretty convinced by the idea that the gender you're more sexually attracted to is what you truly like.

With the guilt and anxiety I've never felt so incapable of handling life. I can't stop going back and forth on my sexuality. I've cried several times from thinking how much I hurt him.

Well, wat do?

Attached: bra.jpg (1600x1145, 167K)

It ain’t that deep ms. user. Find a decent guy and date him. Give him your genuine attention and do not use him as hetero assurance. You shouldn’t be thinking about others when you’re in a relationship anyway.

Gay converters will try and convince you to just have sec with a chick and “see if you like it” obviously don’t take that advice.

I don't have much to add but Im a guy who is kind of sorta in a similar spot. I have always been attracted to women, but I don't think as strongly attracted as other guys are. I find vagina's aesthetically unpleasing and somewhat gross. I have always been a bit of a feminine and skinny guy and my confusion in this area is only getting worse. I've started to like dick to an extent when I'm horny, but males are still entirely unattractive to me, physically and romantically (except the dick sometimes).

I'm a virgin too and I simultaneously crave physical contact with females and fear having to get up close to a vagina, to find out I don't really like it and either have to suffer through the experience or be massively rude or abrupt with the girl.

Wish I had more useful advice

I remember you. I'm in a similar situation from a fetish I have which causes me to question if I'm transgender. I know I'm not but the fact I get aroused by imagining being female can cause me to obsess and doubt myself. It sounds like you are obsessing over these thoughts/feelings and that is definitely bad regardless of if you are gay or not. You can try imagining your thoughts are like leaves on a stream and you can notice them but let them pass by, don't chase after them. Don't assign meaning to the thoughts just let them pass it will be hard but practicing this will likely help. Also you could try mindfulness meditation it can also be very helpful.

I remember you too. How's it going with your situation? Do you actually think you might be transgender, or are you just sort of angry at the people who insist that people with your fetish are trans? Like to an extent I'm like, "I know me better than internet strangers know me" so I'm rather upset that there are people out there who think I can't be straight despite my own self-knowledge.

I'm doing a little better I did have it kind of bad a week ago. Also I am in the latter category, I found myself scouring the internet for information about my fetish and was very upset when I would see people claim you might be or probably are transgender to people like me. Also I know what you mean, really you have to listen to yourself you are the only one who can define who you are attracted to. I also believe if you have high anxiety it can be hard to tell apart some of these feelings. I've had mild HOCD as well and I notice I will sometimes interpret really little things as signs I'm gay like acknowledging when a guy is attractive and feeling something but nothing like wanting to date and have sex with him.

Yeah. I also keep seeking out articles that say things like it's normal for straight women to be aroused by women or that you don't have to identify by what you like in fantasy. Being so dependent on affirmation like this is probably no good for my obsession overall.

I'll try doing some mindfulness things as you suggested. I also tried paradoxical intention for a little while, where I consciously tried to feel as anxious as possible. Probably a big part of it for me is still guilt over not returning my friend's feelings.

>Being so dependent on affirmation like this is probably no good for my obsession overall.
I find that's true as well. It's best to not look around the internet for answers. I also think if someone says something reasonable I would usually not feel a response from it like I would if someone said something implying you are probably transgender if you have the feelings I have. I think it is just the anxiety assigning more meaning to the scarier answer.

>Probably a big part of it for me is still guilt over not returning my friend's feelings.
I don't have much experience here but I can see how that would contribute to it. All I can say is that if you didn't feel anything for him that's okay it doesn't have to mean you are gay or that he was a bad person sometimes the attraction just isn't there.

I didnt include it in my original post
because I wanted to seem more relatable to OP, but Im also an autogynephile. The worst part is that Ive had crossdressing fantasies since I was little, so I know it's not just something porn-induced or similar. Ive been very skinny my whole life and do not have stereotypically masculine interests. People have always commented on my size/weight and even made fun of it, but I never took offense and kind of even joined in on it. Even the gym teacher freshman year of highschool talked with me and told me I would bulk up, Im that noticeably skinny. I never bulked up. Looking back, I don't know what this did to my psyche subconsciously. I never thought about crossdressing much past childhood until my very late teens.

Now Im in my early 20s and I was thinking about weightlifting and eating more for a long time (to seem more attractive to girls), but I realized it conflicts heavily with my inner interests. I like my skinny body and kind of wish I was girlier.

Im stuck in this place of low self-confidence, not feeling entirely heterosexual, and I never even got any experience, partly because I had terrible acne through most of highschool and college, leaving my self-esteem too low to pursue a girl.

Do you find yourself fully attracted to women or do you have hesitations like me?

Sexuality is who you are attracted to, not necessarily who you date/have sex with/marry/whatever. If you are a woman who finds other women to be sexually attractive then you are in fact a homosexual. If you are attracted to both women and men then you are bisexual.

That is all these terms really mean. People will try and tell you otherwise but they are just trying to label everything how they see fit. If you are in fact homosexual you can still have a heterosexual relationship with a man. It just means you don't find him sexually attractive. You can love him all the same.