My boyfriend holds several small grudges on me over dumb stuff I did in the past. They are nothing too big, but apparently, it was a big deal for him, and I understand that. Those things were: I once laughed too loud on a restaurant and made him feel ashamed, and another time I made a comment about his mom's food not being savory enough and added some salt on it. He looked visibly upset and stopped talking to me got a while.
I can se how they can be hurtful to him, and I apologized sincerely to him many times. I feel I've already shown him how sorry I'm for it, but he keeps bringing the same shit from time to time when similar topics arise.
He did it again today and I just blew up. I yelled at him and I'm not talking to him for a while.
I've already told him, calm and in good terms, it worries me that he holds such grudges over inconsequential stuff and that he should just let go, after all, I've already apologized many times and we discussed what happened and he told me he understood. Well, he hasn't understood, and I'm tired of it.
What should I do? How can I make him understand that this hurting our relationship?
how did you even get in a relationship? he seems like a strange person.
What? You're saying he will always be a petty fuck that will remember the smallest shit I do and use it against me to have the slightest moral superiority over me?
He can be very odd, but I don't mind it. I just hate that he has this sense of "always trying to be right" or being the one saying "ha! Told you so!".
people don't change. have fun making excuses for his shitty ass behavior. If you stay with him, you pretty much deserve anything that comes along with it.
it makes me so depressed to see all these guys who have better personalities than me while still being total tools.
His social values conflict with yours - these values were established by his nurturing. He's not going to change. Cut ties and find someone more cohesive.
Have a bad personality how, user?
>his social values conflict with yours Or maybe he's just being ridiculous over small shit because he's a petty idiot or immature.
>Or maybe he's just being ridiculous over small shit because he's a petty idiot or immature.
maybe. Maybe he's anxious? A sort of fear that comes out irrationally. Do you see him changing or becoming more mature? Is it possible to have meaningful dialogue to express your problems and solutions as a couple? Communication is key.
>Have a bad personality how, user? I guess not being confident but It's not really a meme anymore. I think that probably is the only reason I can't get a girlfriend. I know I am not a bad person, but it can't just be my body that I can't get a date.
Is it useful if I tell you he's an only child, he hates his mom for being an overly protective and strict bitch and that the social skills he has was thanks to his friends? Guy is very immature because he didn't have any siblings to practice manners or meaningful relationships on. And his mom, being an single woman with a rich woman complex, rised him being overly protective of him his health, his manners and everything he did. That's why he's probably always so in need of being right and having some control or agency over his relationships with people.
Of course, that shouldn't be a valid justification, but it could mean something.
I always invite him to talk and express whatever he's feeling or bugging him. At first it was hard because he wasn't used to be so opinionated but we do try our best to talk things out.
Look none of us give a fuck. You came here looking for advice, but you're just another statisic. Dumb girl who makes excuse for her loser boyfriend's shitty behavior.
Not being confident in yourself is not having a "bad personality", user. That only makes you hard to reach, and that's probably why women don't notice you or try to delve in your life.
it's part of my personality is it not? I try to talk to women even if i am painfully not confident in my abilities, but they never seem interested in talking to me.
Definitely mommy-related problems. These minor grievances are really not that minor and will manifest in many different ways, maybe more serious.
It's very hard for him to change. I was like your bf (insecure, neurotic perfectionist) and it took me 10y to face some of these issues head on
user you nailed it
Another cunning reading by therapist user.
he's a neurotic ponce, you can do better. this kind of shut-in momma's boy is not for the likes of extroverted funny you. find a real man who likes a bit of banter, and good luck.
he's a momma's boy
>I just blew up. Would've done the same desu
Don’t apologize so profusely.
You’re enabling his whining and subconsciously making him think that behavior is acceptable and justified. It is not. Do not coddle him. That is likely exactly why the behavior has persisted and formed to become what it is: people probably noticed it and never took the time to call him on it, and he started thinking it was ok.
The truth is, you’re probably not going to change him. Even if he realizes he’s being an asshat and actively tries to fix it, he’ll probably fix it for like a month or two, forget, and then fall back in to ol habits.
If a permenant change *does* happen, it’ll probably require major life changes and/or serious professional help.
Consider couples counseling.
Otherwise, the only time he’ll maybe change is after you dump his ass for it.
The way you frame it, he sounds like a narcissist. I'm a guy, I am narcissistic. Like, I am disgnosed NPD. All of my relationships have failed, including a 7 year marriage, because I always had to be right and couldn't let stuff go.
He's holding grudges over stupid shit and keeps bringing it up and using it against you? To put it succinctly, he's not going to change, he won't stop(for good, he might get better for a while but it won't last) and it'll just get worse with time.
Suggestion if I may, user. Go to counseling(if you can afford it). There are counsellors out there who sepcialize in helping people overcome low self-esteem/self-worth, low confidence and things like that. They can even help coach you on things like how to better relate to people and engage people more effectively.
I used to be a lot like you user, it took me many many years to overcome my obstacles. It would have been so much easier had I sought out counseling and guidance from an impartial professional.
>many different ways, maybe more serious In how other ways this can these grievances manifest? Do you think he's being manipulative?
I can say I'm at fault here, because during the honeymoon phase I lowered my guard a lot and let this behavior pass, thinking that he just needed to be paid attention to because of his upbringing with his mom and all that. It is just recently (about a year now) that I started being more open about these behaviors and I've increasingly felt frustrated over them. He seems to understand he does wrong and feels sorry for it, but yeah, he says he's going to change (I always try to avoid saying "he needs to change", I tell him he just needs to do "some adjustments") but he falls to old habits and keeps making the same mistakes.
If I do keep going with this, would it requiere too much effort on his part? Or should I give him an ultimatum so he knows this is serious and he should just let go and maybe stop being so petty? Am I still doing something wrong that is giving him the OK to keep being like this?
Lol I used to be like that when I was 18. This was honestly all my insecurities and anxieties and as a people pleaser I would get terrified at the possibility of being disliked. I would also always bring up shit to get my gf to apologize because it would boost my ego. It took me almost 10 years to grow up and understand I am an immature piece of shit but funny enough now that I am more aware and stable I don't have any luck with women.
He is not gonna change without some trauma causing him to self reflect harshly. You supporting him only reinforces it and will make him stay that way.
You did everything you could. I can understand the comment about his mother's food offending him a bit, but not to that extent. You should be able to laugh in a restaurant without him feeling ashamed.
>How can I make him understand that this hurting our relationship? couples counseling or pack up your shit and run
Either, he's insane and you should live with it or move on, or you're not understanding why he's mad about those things. If it's the latter, you need to work out what the issues are really about if you want to resolve them. If it's the former, next time he brings it up just say you've already apologized and forgiven yourself and ask him not to bring it up. If he says he hasn't forgiven you, tell him that's his choice but not your problem.
Tell us more about one of the incidents. Set the scene, what he said, what you said, and what the consequences were.
He's a petty austist that will never change. You need to decide of thats the hill you want to die on because I can assure you most people aren't that petty.