TLDR: Been together with wife for about 8 years. Wife doesnt seem to find me sexy anymore or even seem to notice me. She never seems to desire sex either but will use hee vibrator regularly and watch porn.
What are some subtle things i can do to be more attractive/arousing to wife without seeming like a tryhard/desperate?
When wife and i first met, i was super fit (6 pack and eveything). Pretty sure my physical attraction is what got me in the door in the first place. Fast forward 8 years. We got married in 2015 (was very much not in shape anymore), so i know she still loves me.
However, she doesnt seem to have any desire for me whatsoever. We often go months without sex (she has no interest). Ive tried many things to try and get her to notice me/be attracted but generally they go unoticed. In the worst cases, she has even said that she feels "revulsion" towards me because it seems like im desperate.
When i asked her what exactly so i can stop (obviously)....she refuses to tell me. So i dont know what exactly she finds desperate... I sometimes bring a bouquet of flowers home. Sometimes I flex infront of mirror (for myself) to see how my workouts/getting in shape is progressing. Im at a loss as to what exactly she finds desperate to be honest...
What are some lowkey/subtle things a married man can do that women find attractive?
Is this pasta, cause this was posted in a thread a few days ago, or did you decide to make your own thread now? Either way you should dump her because she doesn't seem to care enough about your needs and isn't willing to meet you halfway and solving the issue.
Im mostly interested in broader mannerisms and things i can do.
For example....i call my wife everyday when i get out of work to tell her im on my way home, say that i love her, and ask if she needs me to pick anything up (groceries, food, etc). If i stop by grocery store, i sometimes pick up a card and write a little love note, or if there are fresh flowers that arent too expensive, ill bring home some flowers.
Does this actually turn my wife off??? Im just trying to show my wife how much i love her and how much she means to me.
Is she interrupting this differently? Can this come off as desperate to her?
Also...i do these things...because i love her alot and hold dear the fleeting time we have on this earth together....not because im expecting sex or anything (probably what she thinks).
Would I be better served not calling her? Do girls get off and feel more "valued" when they are ignored?
Do women in general see men's love/affection and interpret it as ulterior motives and/or weakness?
What about women who have such low confidence about themselves that they lose the ability to gracefully accept the love of others ? (because they dont love themselves)
There's something wrong in your relationship. You need to talk about it with your wife. You could try couples therapy but it's a crapshoot whether you get a good therapist or not. Fix it and I think the sex will sort itself out. It might be a personal issue with her. Maybe she's too tired and stressed out from work Buying her flowers doesn't hurt or help. For now try to work on yourself. Get in shape and try a hobby or something. It will help you figure out what you want ultimately.
I understand why you do it but she might feel smothered. Keep that stuff for special occasions. She knows she has you whipped.
You need to condemn her for using pornography, she effectively cheats on you with stimulatory imagery.
The flowers and cards are overkill as fuck. They're predictable now. Be your own person man. Be a fucking MAN man. Stop with that shit. If she asks why, tell her you don't think she really appreciates it anymore.
It would do you some good to read "Coach Corey Wayne", even though not everything he says should be taken as gospel. Or that Mark Manson book. Attraction is inversely proportional to neediness.
Now, you're in a marriage. That makes things a bit different imo, but still. You're overdoing it by a lot. Give her a bit of space. Communication is still a super big deal though, you should probably try to figure out if she's happy, where she wants to be in life, etc. Open her up. Let her talk. Don't make it about you.
>getting married sealed your fate there tbqh
For what it’s worth, I’m a girl and you sound very sweet, I would love to have a husband that shows he cares the way you do. You are probably going to have a serious conversation with her about what is going on.
She's the leader in your relationship. You let it get that way by being indecisive and agreeable. Women want leaders not followers. Work on yourself without her. Quit trying to use trinkets and gifts. She will respond or she's already too far gone.
I was in the same situation, only I was the wife. We were married for 3 years and our relationship got to the same point. I was never interested in sex with him, and I was extremely irritated and repulsed by him at times. I felt so guilty about it and I tried my hardest to get over it because I could see how much it was hurting him daily. After a while I realised I simply wasn’t in love with him anymore, I loved him like a family member or something. There was no attraction anymore, and I was getting repulsed and irritated because I was feeling smothered by someone who I was not sexually interested in. Apart from that I loved being with him and hanging out with him, but it wasn’t the same anymore. I tried for a long time to fix it but it just ended up getting messy and both of our feelings got hurt. He started seeing prostitutes and we eventually got a divorce. It all still hurts but I’m glad he is free to find someone who truly loves him now. I don’t blame him for the prostitute thing, he tried his hardest and he had needs I couldn’t fulfill.
Im a girl and I wish my bf was like this. I would say get over her then get a divorce. Slowly ween yourself off her. You deserve someone that apprecoates you. I know if I married a guy I would make sure its a guy I love enough to want him to be romantic with me like that. But girls do things for attention. She is likely stringing you along and you arent yer first choice. Its your call. At least you can see it as those yeats with her werent a waste but a time soent well. Maybe if you leave her she will miss you and regret being so cold.
Also a bit of background info. I am Hispanic and come from a hispanic household and she is white.
From what i know, Hispanic culture tends to be much more emotional and likewise display their emotions much more openly.
My dad (R.I.P.) told me something many years back that sticks with me today. You can tell how emotionally reserved people are by going to funerals. White funerals - everyone is trying to hold it in/stiff upper lip, especially the men. Hispanic funerals- everyone is crying, women are loudly sobbing and men are comforting their wives. Black funerals- people are WAILING!
Growing up with my best friend through middleschool (white), my first gf in college (half white/half Hispanic), and wife (100% white)...i can definitely say that white/anglo households are MMUUCCCH more reserved/withdrawn.
Maybe thats why the rate of divorce is so high as well. Speaking of which..... This is not my wife's first marriage. She had a marriage that lasted a few months and had just gotten out of it when we met (when she was 22).
She got married hastily after she broke up with her first boyfriend after highschool. After breakup he killed himself which threw wife into a deep depression. She latched onto the first guy she saw...basicaly a betacuck airforce guy who was 10 years older than her. I think she says they only had sex once after married. The first arguement they had, he ended up crying like a bitch and tried to leave bedroom. When wife blocked door, he called 911 to say he was scared and that wife wouldnt let him through the door. They laughed and hung up on him. When she realized what a mistake she made she divorced ASAP.
So...if divorce was on her mind, she would have just done the paperwork already.
She has flat out told me that she would be ok with me getting a mistress.
I told her that was ridiculous and that i only want her.
What made you lose your sexual attraction? What were you attracted to initially? Did it change? How is your current mate different?
What caused you to stop being attracted to him? Did he start gaining weight?
Also, I bought a fleshlight for myself sometime last year.
I was tired of having to only fap in the shower, quickly before work, or in the bathroom at night. I was training myself to cum as quickly as possible leading to premature ejaculation (part of why wife doesnt desire sex most likely) ....meanwhile, wife was using vibrator whenever she wanted in bed.
As part of a big fight/conversation (the same she recommended a mistress), she made it clear to me that she had no problems with me masturbating and that i shouldnt feel ashamed to do so/do it anytime.
I dont like watching porn...it kinda feels like cheating in a way. It actually makes me lose errection sometimes. Ive always liked hentai because its obviously 2D and not a real person. But i feel my wife looks down on me/thinks im a weeb for watching it...so i dont/stopped early in our relationship.
So I'm often sexually frustrated because i dont have enough mental fap material for imagination and dont really like porn that much
Even with a fleshlight...cant put it in unless its hard in the firstplace. Eventhough i dont have an errection, im still horny as fuck.
I honestly have zero game...so even if my wife was 100% ok with me getting a mistress... 1) i feel bad and lose errection with porn, theres no way i could with a person. 2) in my heart i feel that my wife is the most attractive thing to me. I just dont have eyes for anyone else.
She has told me that she would be interested in hiring a call girl next time we're in vegas (shes trying to set us up for a mff threesome?). I would LOVE to watch her rubbing on another girl....would be fap fuel for years. When i asked what she wanted/what we would do with the call girl, she said "fuck her?".
Is my wife a cuck?
Is she actually turned off by me pursing her? Are women turned on by their men pursing other girls?
We got together at an anime con. I had a flock of fangirls. Girls were coming up to me during con asking if they could take picture and give kisses
>I had a flock of fangirls what? how?
Sounds like you need to take charge of your life. Woman don't like being chased after. Woman like a man who is sure of himself, enjoys his hobbies and takes meaning in whatever purpose he has designated himself.
Sounds like you are the cuck man
I've never been in this situation before but it's so common and I always wonder why the guy doesn't just fuck his wife by force. Seriously, just kick down her door and grab her by the pussy. Maybe that's what all these "bored, uninterested" wives really need.
Pretty sure that's rape lol. This day and age you couls get in some serious trouble...
Be attractive. Cosplay a character that many girls have the hots for.
This was like 8 years ago back when i used to cosplay.....Wife actually got jealous during the second convention and stormed away. I looked for her and walked around for a while (~2hrs) then got tired and sat down on the floor. As soon as I did, girls started to congretate/slowly form a circle around me....THEN my wife (gf at the time) came back. As soon as the girls saw her walking towards them looking super pissed, they pretty much all stood up and started to walk away.
Wife was upset and bitched me out saying that that i ditched her for random girls...when she was the one to storm off. And of course when i stopped walking around, random girls started to congregate....happened every convention.
Its not like im unattractive. But i often feel like i am because wife doesnt really acknowledge me...feels bad man
>She has flat out told me that she would be ok with me getting a mistress. Again, I don't really have experience with relationships but that does not sound good IMO. How long ago was this?
I'm this user () btw.
I have a bachelor's of business admin in account, i have a six figure job in IT/software dev, i have plenty of hobbies and things i love doing, and a house (and just sold 3 properties i inherited). Im 170lbs, 5'8" and am getting to be quite in shape again.
She makes a little more than half of what I make (~$70k). She's working on her PhD and will finish soon. She also has a fulltime job that is highly stressful working with "the worst" special needs kids in the school district everyday. She has a 1 1/2 hr commute to work and back everyday (3hrs total). I can tell the stress is taking an effect on her. She binge eats when stressed and currently weighs ~200lbs, 5'6" (up from her "ideal' weight of 115lb).
I hold onto hope that after her PhD is done and maybe if we sell house and move closer to work that she will not be so stressed all the time and actually have time to slow down/notice her husband. I view the situation as temporary...i just have to wait it out.
But i still want to self improve. Thats why im asking what are things a husband can do to be more attractive.
I feel that one day she'll wake up and see me and what i do and be grateful. I know Ive also been in a bad place and was super stressed to the point that i didnt care for sex. One day i just woke up and the stress was gone around me. I noticed just how amazing my wife was and loved her even more. Im guess im waiting for her to have the same moment...and just trying to support her during her stressful time in life...
post pic so I know what I have to shoot for, if you would be so kind
>How do I become physically atractive Go to the gym.
>Pretty sure that's rape lol Yes. I'm essentially saying that any man who is sexually frustrated with his wife should try raping her at least once.
Maybe you'll get into trouble. On the other hand maybe she'll realize halfway through that she likes getting slammed like a cheap whore and she'd prefer it if you came home with a stiff cock everyday instead of flowers. Think about it.
Don't be low key. If you've let yourself go then pull yourself back in. You don't need abs but there is no reason to get fat as a man.
You're a king, OP. I strive to be like you, I'm your demographic, height, weight, everything lmao. All you can do is keep being a great guy, supportive and all, and she has to see it.
You got it dude, if she doesn't see what's so great about you, then no vale la pena.
Tried it before. Didnt end well. Next.
Just sounds like you want to be validated by her.
Learn to love yourself first.
>Didnt end well. Meaning what? Did she leave you for good? Did she press charges and have you locked up? If not, I'd say it was worth. Do it again.
Did not result in sex Didnt even make it to penetration.
This was months ago....i took the advice of Jow Forums and thoughy i was worth a shot.
Might as well have bathed in spaghetti. Unless you go "full rape" or partner plays along, it doesnt go well. And i wasnt about to fucking rape my wife against her will.
If anything, trying this is probably one of the things she found to be a revolting.
Doesnt help that many years before we met, she was drunk one time and woke up to a total creeper sobber dude trying to take her pants off...kicked him off and verbally berated him. I actual knew the guy because he creeped on my ex-gf (weeb community must be small where i live). I told her if i ever see the guy again, id beat the shit out of him. Yeah, i dont think rape fantasies are her thing.
I don't think I can ever be that chad. Feels bad man.
Next time you go with your friends just put on your “imgoingtogetsomenewpussy” outfit and watch what happens.
>TLDR: Been together with wife for about 8 years. Wife doesnt seem to find me sexy anymore or even seem to notice me. She never seems to desire sex either but will use hee vibrator regularly and watch porn.
Your marriage has been over for a long time. I am not joking or trolling.
She is cheating him using porno
Been working out since November to get back on the saddle. Gradually reaching my starting strength plateau. Body fat is currently at around 20%.
Once i hit plateau, going to work on bulking as much as possible (probably up to 25% body fat) After 2 months, going to cut down to ~12% body fat. Plan is to lose 20lbs in 2 months.
At shitty hotel, light is quite unflattering. Overall 6pack is buried undee fat layer. Muscle development is still quite intact if not more developed than when younger. Progress picture attached.
I know very clearly what my objective is. Basically get the 6pack i had before. I know how to get it done and am already on my way.
However, im rapidly going to hit a motivation crisis.
In the past, i busted my ass at gym and cardio to pull off a cosplay as best as i could. Skip to today...i initially started to get in shape for my own health, stamina in the bedroom, and to hopefully inspire wife to start exercising (she has!). So from that standpoint....mission complete.
Going foward..especially into the hell months known as cutting....i dont have big enough motivation yet to pull through. Being sexy for my wife doesnt matter if she doest care/isnt interested. When i go to her all excited to tell her how much weight i lost, she usually blows me off or does an "uhh huh". She seem ti rejoice in my accomplishments because she is still ~200lbs and hasn't really lost anything yet after 2 months of fitness class (to be expected ..shes getting her starting strength going)...so. she just blows off my own accomplishments/dismisses them.
At times i just finding myself doing weights and wondering "why?", "whats the use?"
The circle jerk of Jow Forums is the closest I have to providing motivation nowadays.
Dude unironically checkout marriedredpill and if your Christian christianredpill on Reddit.
You gotta show her you're still alpha. At least for her.
I mean if she still binge eats then she can work out all she wants and won't lose any. It's always sad to me when I read about marriages like this.
Op, you said she lost attraction to you. How was your sex life with her before? Did she enjoy the sex?
I'm a femanon and had a long time where I just didn't want to have sex because I always connected it to being exhausting and painful in my head
If not pain it might just be connected to the stress she seems to have or that she feels bad about her own appeareance. Did you ever go down on her to do oral? Tell her to relax and don't force penetration after that.
It's also possible she is going through a really difficult phase and she doesn't even know herself, whats up. Hormons can get crazy, especially if she takes the pills or other medicine.
You seem really nice op, good luck with everything.
Ignore the trolls.
Forget sex. Get romantic. Bring some romance back in your lives. Sex will follow
maybe I am ignorant but I dont get why people like you still stay with your wife. Doesnt seem like she loves or desires you at all. I'd rather leave than stay with someone like that.
I doubt your wife would leave you anytime soon. It sounds like internally and externally there’s a lot of shit going on with her life.
Consider reading “the five love languages” by Gary Chapman. It might be a good start to understanding more about each other.
Rape role play, even better if she's unaware of the game
Don’t be so rash, you don’t have all the details
>How was your sex life with her before? I suppose it was ok. She absolutely cannot orgasm via penetration. Ive had 2 other sexual partners before her. My ex-gf of 5 years during college (we lived together and had A LOT of sex). And a random hookup after my ex and I split (before i got together my wife). Didnt have any problem making girls reach orgasm.
>Did she enjoy the sex? In a big fight that we had once, she said that she's doesnt find sex with me to be satisfying (that hurt). She also says its awkward, like having sex for the first time and mechanical.
Theres a fundamental difference in love making/sex between us. Sex to me includes lots of intimacy, kissing, touching, rubbing...you know... general foreplay, a bit of oral on her, and then penetration (with a variety of positions...switching as each get tired/need someone to take over). Of course i also enjoy the occassional ravishing/"fucking". Wife in general hates foreplay...she finds it boring and gets nothing out of it. She doesnt like to be touched or rubbed on. Doesnt really like kissing either. When i asked her why we never get to makeout, she responded that making out is something highschoolers do (i.e. she doesnt see any value in kissing/making out). If i spend too long on foreplay (more than 5 minutes) she gets impatient and usually says something along the lines of "just put it in already"...but in a condesending/impatient way...not a begging/sexy way. This feeling of being rushed creates stress for me and either get premature ejaculation because im rushing (in the past)....or lose errection altogether (current state)
When i asked what i can do to improve, she said that she shouldnt have to tell me and that it hasnt been a problem for any other guys.
But...based on her physical response/reactions when we've had sex in the past i know that isnt true.
Later on she double-backed and said that if it seemed like she enjoyed sex, she probably did.
Note: Sometimes, especially during arguments she often goes out of her way to say things she knows are hurtful and tries to do as much damage as possible to "win" the fight. She's said/admitted this much to me in the past. A bit emotionally abusive...but it is what it is. I cant say that it didnt have an effect on me...kinda developed ED issues now because im thinking about how im messing up and how it "wasnt a problem for anyone else" is always on my mind now (now have difficulty maintaining errection).
>I'm a femanon and had a long time where I just didn't want to have sex because I always connected it to being exhausting and painful in my head...if not pain it might just be connected to the stress she seems to have or that she feels bad about her own appeareance.
She has told me that she finds sex unenjoyable and sometimes irritating/painful. Quote "having sex with you is like having my eye poked repeatedly". In my mind...its because she isnt lubricated or aroused enough because 1) she isnt attracted to me anymore or 2) she basically forces us to skip foreplay 3) in general she isnt aroused and is having sex for my sake...but really wants no part of it.
>Did you ever go down on her to do oral? In 8 years of being together, she has only let me go down on her like three times. All times required convincing from me. She is super self concious about "not being clean". Like if she didnt immediately get out of shower, its not going to happen. Pretty sure some asshole guy made her feel bad about her vagina in the past. Doubt she would admit it to me though.
I actually really like to give oral. Its a big turn on for me and am prepared to be there for a while (~30mins).
I used to do oral on ex-gf all the time. Every girl is different though, so im not going to pretend to be an oral expert or say that "if she only let me do oral". It takes time to find what a girl likes...i just find it sad that she will never be comfortable enough with herself/me to let me get my technique on her down and for herself to just relax enough to let it happen.
>It's also possible she is going through a really difficult phase and she doesn't even know herself, whats up. Hormones can get crazy, especially if she takes the pills or other medicine. She used to take birthcontrol since highschool. She stopped about 3 years ago. Stopped because it was too much hassle to get prescription and see doctor for it. Not sure what caused what here....but she stopped birthcontrol she started to have weight gain and her hair started thinning/shedding. But....she stopped getting appointment for BC because she was super busy and couldnt fit appointments into her schedule...so weight gain and hairloss may be symptomatic of the stress she started to experience.
I guess im not really sure what classifies as romance anymore. Additionally, not sure what i can do that doesnt come off as desperate and/or make her feel bad/pressured.
She still loves me. And its not like shes going out to parties or anything without me. She is literally exhausted from work, school, and stress and I understand. Doesnt stop me from feel frustrated at the situation or want to make things better though. Im a patient person.
Thanks! Looks interesting. Will order it/listen to audiobook if available.
Mating in captivity by Esther Perel is a book I would recommend to you.
She seems both stressed out and self conscious. Try to book her on a romantic trip out of town. Be firm and manly with this, get her chocolate, and spa treatment to calm down with. Go to dinner, do something exciting you both loved to do.
Show her joy like she used to feel in the relationship.
>Ignore the trolls
>Forget sex. Get romantic. Bring some romance back in your lives. Sex will follow
This guy has been bringing flowers, calling her after work, telling her I love you and stuff and you go on and tell him ''Get romantic''. Man, I don't know what classifies as romance anymore. This women just looks tired of him period.
Make her jealous. Casually. I don't mean cheat or anything but...And don't be so available. She says you're too desperate? Don't be. Practice confidence. If you think you're hot, she will too.
To be honest OP, I would suggest hitting with another girl has your wife said. She is stressed out, tired of work, getting pressured and stuff with school. If your wife herself tells you to get laid with another women, its because she understands your needs to get laid. She is willing to let you fuck another woman while you're on a committed relationship with her. To me, that's determination. She clearly wants you to be happy, on that note I read the entire tread and I really wish you the best, cheers man!
The answer is clear OP. You got fat. No one wants to fuck fatties. Also, it's incredibly disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go. You're showing that you aren't willing to maintain a body that is attractive to them, while also expecting that they will stay in a relationship with you and fill your sexual needs. In the same way that you should each be putting work into being likable, treat eachother well, nurture the relationship, be emotionally available, etc etc, you should be keeping in shape to maintain sexual attraction. With that said, she really didn't seem to do a good job of communicating the issue to you.
Love dies without sexual attraction.
OP to be quiet honest with you this sounds like you guys aren't going to work. I think she loves you very much but not romantically anymore just as family and it seems to be good enough for her. Also it sounds like you guys just have very different desires when it comes to sex. Judging from what you said she seems like she wants to be dominated and you sound more like you just want to please her. Which is great but just doesn't match very well. I think her inability to talk properly to you and not being able to tell you what you should be doing is extremely shitty of her. It sounds like she's not even trying. I get that you're trying to defend her saying she's busy and exhausted. But come on. She's your wive. She's supposed to be your greatest ally and instead she's making you depressed and made you develop ED. You also seem like a real pushover as a partner so she probably thinks she doesn't have to put in effort anymore since you love her so much anyway.
As for when her physical attraction to you disappeared? Who knows. It happens. Sometimes I've woken up in the morning and suddenly wondered why I was together with a partner. We were happy, everything was great but I suddenly fell out of love.
I think you should give her an ultimatum. Tell her that this is very important to you. Either she works with you together on this issue as a team. That could be trying out new things, exploring her fetishes or going to a couple or sex therapist. Or you leave her. Once she notices that she can't just be an asshole to you and that there is a chance she might lose you. She will either realise that she doesn't want to let you go and put in effort or she won't. Good luck!