i recently got married, more or less against my wishes, which is common in my culture, to a guy back in my parents home country. now we're back in the states, and i have a lot more options. should i divorce or should i stay in the marriage and try to make it work?
Stuck in arranged marriage, what should i do
Get to know him. If he's a cunt, divorce him.
try to make it work
why should i try to make it work?
I dont really know him, basically we just met
Then get to know him. If you have no clue who this guy is, then you have no clue what will happen if you try to force a break.
That's why I said "get to know him". If you determine that he is a cunt, divorce him. If he's a good guy, you're solid.
How exactly should I do that? im not good at getting to know people
Talk to him? Figure out what he thinks of said marriage? Find out what his expectations are? Find out what he wants to do with his life? Find out what he expects of you as his wife? There are plenty of common sense questions that you should probably ask him and yourself before even considering divorce. You got dealt a bad hand, but jumping head first into divorce might just screw you over even more.
well i know some of this, hes a med student and theres more opportunities for him here than the shithole our families come from. other than that, I havent really engaged with him, we havent actually talked much
Then that's exactly where you should start? You're already married, you might as well figure what cards are actually on the table before you do anything with the cards. Even if it ends up going into divorce, it's better to see the other party as a potential ally rather than an enemy.
You should talk to him, how else are you gonna sort this out? Find out what he likes, his favorite food, movies, whatever. Don't think of him just as a man you were forced to marry (which is an abhorrent custom), but as a potential mate and friend.
Fair enough. though this is so award and i have no idea if this setup can even lead to a good marriage
Assuming you’ve got some sort of community/religion that you are a part of, I would say you should seek out guidance from someone in your community/religion who is a bit older than you and not in your family for some advice. They’ve probably had the same feelings as you and can speak better to what you’re going through (at least from the staying with it angle, they’d obviously be biased towards staying together if that’s what they did)
how do i see him as that?
You're not at the point of even considering what this relationship can be. You're married in name, not in an actual relationship. Outside of a piece of paper the two of you are basically strangers.
Figure out with yourself whether you want this to work. If you come to realize you never wanted it to work to begin with, then you're basically undermining yourself from the get go. Then move on to him, and figure out who this person you're "married" to actually is. Reassess number 1 again after you get to number 2. Then you're at a point where you can start considering the future of your relationship.
i can try, but yeah they'd be biased largely in favor of staying. is that bad, should i not seek out their advice then or should i hear them out still?
should I want it to work though, given i didnt want to get married?
Why are you asking any of us this question, when it has to do exclusively with your mindset, your life, and your future? This isn't something that someone else should tell you yes or no.
I can argue that yes you should want it to work because you may have potentially been handed a life partner and he may be a wonderful person that you've effectively been given a potential bond to, provided you're willing to cultivate a relationship.
But I can also argue that no you shouldn't want it because it's a clear violation of your personal freedom and this wasn't an organic relationship that you took the initiative on.
Both of these can be wrong or right. Neither of these account for the fact that you are, for better or for worse, in a "relationship", which means there's another party that you can't simply ignore. Hell, you might talk to him and find out he didn't want to marry you at all to begin with, and is planning to divorce you ASAP.
All fair enough, you're right. I did ask him this though, he says he doesnt want a divorce, family reasons mainly, doesnt want the trauma of divorce, stuff like that.
I’d still hear them out, and listen to what they say about the good and the bad. Really try to get them to talk about the bad. With this, you probably aren’t going to get a full picture of the bad, but I think you’ll be able to piece together some sense of how their relationship has been and to draw parallels between yours and theirs. Just take what they say with a grain of salt. Also keep in mind that you can always leave,but you won’t be able to make it work after that point.
Get a divorce you were never married to begin with if you then soon after considered getting a divorce.
Get a divorce, move on, remarry some pne you actually like.
Also when you tell him youre getting a divorce, say "GG WP"
In my country this means "thank you for your time bust sorry it didnt work out"
Well he doesnt want to leave, not sure if thats a good or bad sign
He doesn't want to leave. It doesn't mean he's attached to you. It means he's attached to the idea of marriage. So far the fact that you're involved is incidental.
You don't know what that means for the relationship, and by extension for you, because you don't know what his expectations of marriage are. Is he the sort of man who will kill you if you go ahead with because you besmirched his honor? Is he the sort of man who wants to work things out but is just as socially awkward as you? Is he the sort of man who gives no fucks and just wants to maintain some status quo?
If you can't find out what his expectations are and how he wants to move ahead going forward, you're basically making plans hoping that they won't conflict with his, and he won't do anything to stop you.
In my country we dont have arranged marriages, but divorce rate is over 70%.
>inb4 what i am trying to say
It doesnt matter how you met. You can divorce / run away anytime. Go on dates with him, DONT GET PREGNANT with him (too soon), take it chill and see what happens.
You can divorce anytime anyway. Good luck.
Do you have to sex the first night to make the marriage official in your culture? Ask him what he expects after sex when his guard is down
Coworker of mine got married into an arranged thing last year and she’s crazy about the guy, mostly because he has money though
I mean i dont know for sure but i seriously doubt hes violent. ive never experienced violence like that in my life, not from my family or anyone. i mean i hope he isnt, theres no sign he is.
"Is he the sort of man who wants to work things out but is just as socially awkward as you?"
that sounds more like him
Don't assume. Ask him up front. This is something you need to confront him over, and you might as well do it sooner rather than later, because this can and will influence whether you two have a relationship, whether the relationship is detrimental, and whether things need to change.
If he doesn't want to talk about it but he magically expects you to know what he expects you to do, that's basically a quick ticket to a broken relationship, unless you're fucking telepathic or something. If he expects you to give him three kids by this time next year because that's his vision of an ideal marriage, it's kind of helpful to know that in advance.
If you're not going to have an up front talk with the guy, don't be surprised when he takes you by surprise.
no, we havent actually had sex yet. ive been afraid to even ask about that.
go on dates, really? even though we're married?
>go on dates, really? even though we're married?
You are married, but you barely know anything about each other. So yes, you need something to at least figure out if there can be a connection there. Marriage isn't going to be a magic bullet that lets you omit the groundworks for assessing a relationship.
I guess it cant hurt to ask.
You are practically two strangers stucked in "marriage". Feel free to play street fighter with him instead of dates if thats what your thing. But normal people kinda needs to do some casual common activities to get to know each other like eating food in restaurant...
Go on date with him and see if he is capable of eating food in public.
hmm, that could be fun actually
Im not sure if any male is but I can give it a try
you should try to make it work, since it seems it isnt abusive and you're not in danger, then theres no reason to rush into a divorce and cause even more drama and issues
I go on dates with my wife all the time. It's nice to just have some one on one time and do something enjoyable. Doesn't need to be a candle light dinner or anything like that, just spending quality time together. What else would you do when married? Just sitting at home all day and occasionally fuck?
Also you need to get to know this guy, even if it's just to make the divorce process easier. So yeah go out and do something fun with him.
Try to get to know him but get the fuck out of there if he tries to bring you back to your home country. You can probably divorce easily since you have something close to a reason with the whole arranged marriage thing.
Try to make it work.
Don't be a retarded cunt.
At least get to know the guy/girl.
Give it a shot and maybe it'll work out. If it doesn't you're free to divorce him.
Your parents might have had the authority to commit you to a relationship against your will in your/their home country, but here you have the freedom to marry/divorce who you want.
Go back to your country