One thing I have never understood is cheaters. I have never been in a relationship which is probably why I can't comprehend but why would anyone ever cheat? Why not just break up with the other person? I have been working on understanding more human experiences I guess. I am not a very well rounded person and certain acts that I find atrocious pretty much always stay like that for me. Example, cheating, bullying, single motherhood(due to poor choice in partners), excessive drunkeness. I just don't get why people do some of this. Particularly the cheating.
What triggers someone to say "Yeah, I want a side bitch." and then actually go and fucking do it? I just can't fathom. Does that mean there is something wrong with me as a male if c heating is never an option for me?
Long-term cheating is just about selfishness, wanting to get the most out of both worlds or avoiding the confrontation and disruption which a breakup poses.
Spontaneous cheating is much simpler. You have an opportunity and weigh the benefits against the costs.
It's extremely complicated and if you've never been in a relationship it's even harder to explain. I've got somewhat of a psych education and studied this shit a tonne on my own (from good sources) so bear with me, but I'm no expert so note that as well.
I'm 32 engaged with a woman I've been with for 4 years and I'm extremely faithful. A big part of what makes me faithful is shit I learned in a past relationship.
Humans are a super mixed bag of instincts and when it comes to the question of are we monogomous or not the answer is "both at the same time".
There are evolutionary advantages to pair bonding and monogamy, as there are to sneaking out of the relationship for both men and women, even though the rationale and triggering situation changes.
If you think of your own desire for sex even though you're not in a relationship, understand that while in one, you.can still find yourself having a strong sexual frustration and insatiable yearning for someone else, regardless, and that is not in your control.
In most cases it's a one thing leads to another. You meet someone you're attracted to and it goes from "oh were just talking and I like talking to them" to "oh we just go get coffee" to "oh sometimes we go on company outtings and spend all our time together" to "it's just dinner" to "she just wants me over to help with her whatever she needs" before sexual tension does it's thing.
Humans aren't as strong as they give themselves credit for.
I cheated in a past relationship specifically because I was so super confident in how much I wasn't the type to cheat that when some drunk thot called me and asked if I wanted to come drink with her alone I literally didn't even consider for a second anything would happen, nor did I have that intention.
We get drinking, were hanging, connecting, laughing, chilling and poof like magic were fucking.
You're tl;dring the fuck out of your point, man.
Literally all you needed to say was >In most cases it's a one thing leads to another. and not soapbox with your "somewhat of a psych education."
Literally 3 minutes before it happened, I'd have told you with all sincerity and honesty "I'll never cheat, ever."
But once you're caught in the moment you wouldn't believe the inner force and energy that drives you to do what you really want to do.
Usually in most cases of infidelity it's seeking a need to replace something thats missing from the relationship. Your partner isn't fulfilling a need. Emotional, understanding, connection, appreciation, sexual, something is unfulfilled, and if someone happens into your life who fills that integral need your partner isn't, it becomes a slippery slope where you have far less control than you imagine you would.
In the case of my fiancée, for this exact reason I have two personal rules. 1) avoid forging any meaningful.bonds with new women. I have made literally no new chick friends or acquaintances since meeting her 5 years ago. 2) if something is unfulfilled in the relationship, fucking talk to your partner. Get it sorted met and fulfilled.
Super tl;Dr >I can't imagine why anyone... It isn't a conscious decision, it isn't logical, it isn't evil, deviant, or malicious. It's just nature doing it's thing when humans think themselves too far above animals and needs get neglected.
Eh. Lemme kick how I kick bruh
Giga tldr >they cheat because their reproductive strategy and descison making is a degenerate offshoot of real humans
Pretty much this. cheaters who stay with their wives/ husbands and continue to fuck other people, stay for the emotional stability. I fucked a girl for months, and she made it clear she wasn't leaving her bf for me or anyone because for her, she loved him and it wasn't really cheating because she loved him emotionally, whereas our love was strictly physical.
OP here, I understand what you say. It is hard for me to get because I have not been in a relationship but I guess I can see that. I guess because I have not been desired by women yet or ever maybe its different. Maybe when you don't have women throwing themselves at you, it makes it easier to assume you would never cheat? I imagine it might be easier for women to cheat considering so many dudes are throwing themselves at a lot of women.
What I don't get is this. Why is it that humans can't say no to their instincts? I feel like I would be in utter control of that. Maybe there is something wrong with my sexuality. Granted, I have never had sex so maybe its different.
It feels good getting away with breaking the rules. Really good. It's like society is there to control you and for that control you get safety and stability, and breaking the rules results in punishment, but I'M alpha enough to break the rules and fuck your punishments/protection.
People get a rush from just shoplifting, to the point of addiction. I've known several ex-gang members through AA and they fucking loved the powerful feeling of not being controlled by society the same way other people (known as squares) are, even after they'd experienced jail or prison. Some people love going out and tagging graffiti on random places. Similarly, there are 'rules' for relationships that you're supposed to follow. Your behavior is controlled by those rules and for that control you get safe and stable relationsips, and breaking the rules results in punishment. But people get a rush from breaking those rules, too. Weak people need those rules to protect them, and every time you break those rules and get away with it you feel like a powerful person.
That's how I think of it, in any case.
>Maybe when women are throwing them selves at you? Not necessarily. I'd say the fact women werent throwing themselves at me and I was never king player was a factor. Part of the reason I went to that girls was I couldn't conceive any girl would want me and that my ex was a lucky one off, and when she did throw herself at me I was so goddamn shocked I didn't know what to do...
But yeah, basically, youll see the odd thread of an user who comes here saying how in love he or she is in with their partner and another opportunity came up and they're confused and fucked up..
Just watch how well you can control your emotions and desires with things not to do with relationships and you'll see what I mean. Even though it seems bigger, it's the same.
>Why can't humans say no
Because will power isn't magic. It's a process. There's even parts of your brain specifically responsible. Your pre frontal cortex most notably. But they have to fight over other parts to win control, and your limbic system (which you don't control) is very strong and your amygdala (also something you dont control) has final say over who gets what they want, your limbic system or the neo cortex.. the neo cortex being the human; you.
Do some people have a stronger neo cortex and others have a stronger limbic? Are some people SUB-HUMAN!?
That was a joke but I find that I masturbate a lot even when I am not aroused I guess. Is that my limbic system or my neo cortex? Reason I ask is because I can rarely resist masturbating but I am positive if a woman threw herself at me right now, I would be able to resist.
You may be joking but actually yes, I can speak to this personally and from a place of aforementioned education... I have ADHD. My pre frontal cortex is powerful but lazy and works whenever it goddamn feels like, and falls asleep when it feels like, and my amygdala is larger than average so it has a fuck tonne more power of authority.
Im very successful in life and you'd never know I had anything, don't get me wrong, but I have to play a daily game of chess with my brain to get myself to brush my teeth let alone not fucking cheat.
I actually appreciate how spot on your joke was...
Limbic system is all emotion and desire. Arroused, limbic. Masturbating, amygdala. Not masturbating cause you should do something else, neo cortex with the aid of the pre frontal cortex.
Usually the issue is there isn't enough current insentive not to give in. Your brain weighs a lot of factors on it's own all at once.
If you can't get control of yourself usually you need to change your environment or set goals you can clearly attach to.
Polyamory is neat too.
I see... I like to think I have a strong neo cortex. I am a very aware person. I also like to think I have a high margin of self control but a buddy made this statement. "Who has more self control, the guy who is tempted to do meth or some other pleasureable but dangerous activity every day but never does it and never has done it OR the guy that has done it, got addicted to it and managed to quit?"
My issue with a lot of things is that I have never done those activities. For example, sex. I have never had sex but I am sure I would be able to resist if some strange woman offered me sex. Can I really call my will strong though if I have never even felt that pleasure? Is it easier to resist something you have never done or is it easier to resist something you have tried before?
They're very interesting questions. There are a lot of factors in all things.
Also a strange woman offering sex is inherently uncomfortable. I'm well experienced. I wouldn't take it either. That's awkward as shit. Comfort plays a roll.
>poof like magic were fucking Implying there was never a moment in time at ANY point during this where you made the decision to fuck her. This pisses me off a lot about modern times, where people are like trying to "unlearn" the fact that we have our own freely guided will and are responsible for our own decisions. This guy has so much of a psych education he just psyched himself out of responsibility for cheating.
>it isn't a conscious decision Says the guy who cheated
>why would anyone ever cheat? Because most people are human garbage and the only thing ever keeping them in line is the fear of a boot being rammed up their backside in retribution. They cheat because they can.
Revel in the apparent fact that you have an internal moral compass. Most don't.
>It isn't a conscious decision Sounds like an excuse a cheater would use
If you are the right type of person.
I love it. Let's me be my asocial and autistic self, while enjoying the benefits of not just 1, but two partners, who both love cuddling around. It also helps immensely when you are 3 people doing the chores.
>t. Girl in a relationship with another girl and a guy Not exactly "best if both worlds" for me though, since I am not all that hooked on dick, even though I do like him as a person.