GIOYC / Get It Off Your Chest

Nothing now can ever come between us
As we hide and watch the city burn
There is much that I still want to tell you
But now is not the time to speak of love

Beckoning to me
More than memory
Words are useless here
Until you are near

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yeah i shave


Today is my birthday. My coworkers sent me messages and that's cool but my 4 friends outside work haven't. It's ok to be mad if they don't send me a message right?

I'm not just "on the defensive", you're consistently misrepresenting me and what I believe. If you shut up for four seconds and just let me tell you what I think, you'd probably agree with me. I don't understand what I did to you that makes what I say meaningless, but I listen to the things you say and it would be nice if I got that same respect. I know you won't change, though, you pretend you're right even when you're not.

I wanted to mean something to you. I have to leave you alone. I spent too many years trying for you. I love you so much but it doesn’t really matter.



Two guys are trying to date me. One in a class and one at work. It kind of stresses me out because I don't like them like that.

There's only one person I want. He's so shy. As am I. I can easily tell these 2 guys that I'm not interested, but I can't seem to find the courage to tell the one I want. I've never been so interested in someone like this. I just need to talk to you. I know that's the only way to get rid of this stress. I know that's the only way to know how you feel.
I just wish there was a chance to be alone with you.

we're all gonna make it brahs

You used me and now that you have everything but I’m left alone. Maybe you have someone else. You shouldn’t have taken advantage.

I keep thinking that I should just go ahead a die already, but if I die then it's just eternal dark abyss. But if there's nothing after this then why was I given life in the first place. I don't understand, why can't I know? Im tired of this bullshit all the time, I'm just getting old and waiting away.

I lied when I said I’m not suicidal.

we know.

I experienced happiness for a little while, after years. I want it back

>But if there's nothing after this then why was I given life in the first place.
Because why not? What does the one have to do with the other?

you can blow that out of proportion if you like. people in your life know you are suicidal. just i like i know people in my life who say they arent but very obviously are. that's all I was saying, nothing more.

If you just die and there's nothing after this, then it's pointless to have a life in the first place. Everything will eventually become dust, everything single thing. So why was it created in the first place?

But they don’t. How would they?

>If you just die and there's nothing after this, then it's pointless to have a life in the first place.
Uh, no?

because they arent retarded. have some value in your friends, they probably know you better than you do. plus, anyone who needs or feels the need to say "im not suicidal" is already at suspect of being suicidal.

I discover a species called female.
They are opposite sex.An interesting creature.
Better find out more about them

The worst part about realizing that Western models of free-will, Socratic debate, and general cultural attitudes are based on deluded optimism and fairy dust is that you can't tell anyone it because it causes them to react so poorly you can't even discuss it with anyone.

Sorry in advance, but this is my first time doing this. I feel lost, and not really sure how to process what I'm feeling or where I am in life. I've been with my wife for 9 years, married for 5. We have 3 kids. I'm beginning to fear that I may not actually love her. We kiss each other good morning and off to work and what not, but it's like were just going through the motions. She feels like a roommate at this point. The only time we seem genuinely happy at the same time is with the kids. I don't know if that's just the way marriage goes or because we aren't putting effort in it if it's just s personal slump on my end. Which leads to my next point.

I think I may actually still be in love with my first ever love. Before I met my wife, I dated this girl from New Zealand for 2 years, I'm in Canada. I loved every second we spent together. We met when she was visiting here one year, and kept it going long distance until I eventually broke it off. She was devastated. I felt like it would realistically never work because of the distance, and that I should try to move on with a "normal" life. We talked for a few months after that but I couldn't stop thinking about her, so I blocked all communication. I still dream about my first love semi frequently, about meeting her and being together. When I wake up and realize it was just a dream, I feel depressed for the next 24 to 48 hours. It eventually passes, but the cycle keeps repeating. I'm not sure if I'm just thinking back to better times and looking through nostalgia goggles, or if I'm depressed or if I feel this way because I'm unhappy with my marriage or whatever.

How should I proceed? Do I just need closure from my first relationship? Should I make more of an effort to rekindle my marriage? Am I just depressed? I don't know. Pic as always unrelated

Why did you go from telling me your every move to barely speaking to me now? I felt so close to you but now it just hurts. I guess I just miss you so much and I’m being stupid. I have these other guys trying for me and all I do is think of you. I just never met anyone like you. Sounds cliche until it’s not.

I only have dreams if I'm anxious while sleeping. Dreams are bad, they're a symptom of dysfunction, like so many things that people consider normal. I'm just out here trying to live my best life.

>objective reasoning is fairy dust and optimism
Okay kid lmao
Tell us again how evolutionary biology magically preempts the concept of free will because [insert nonsense]

For exactly the reason you're talking about. The concious mind is essentially a slave to the unconcious mind, not the other way around. If the concious mind was able to be the master there would be a hell of a lot more people that would be able to visualize themselves into the future. But there's not, just look at the inability to recognize environmental damage among populations (global warming, less green, micro ocean life dying). Most experiments show that the unconcious mind makes a decision seconds before the concious mind does, the concious mind just comes up with a rationalization.

Almost two and a half year has gone since I last saw you, I really shouldn't have gone back. Why did I come back to you when I know you don't really care about me. All you give me is pity and nothing else, you don't even want to be my friend. I'm not an idiot, I read right through you. Why did you tease me? Why did you fucking lie to me? I will not let you do this to me anymore. You and I will never see each other again!

I don't trust dreams either. Every time I dream, something significantly bad happens eventually. Do you ever feel like something bigger than yourself has intervened to your dreams to warn you of what's coming?

If you're gonna be sick, please fucking leave the checks for us in the box thing the day before. I hate waiting.

Objectively I'm extremely attractive.
Actually I don't see it most of the time but occasionally I do. I guess that's normal.

But it kinda sucks.
Because many guys always fall in love with you, at least they think they are, and many women are always jealous of you. They seek your approval and while at the same time trying to out do you to be the "queen" and get power and security. So you end up with a ton of bitches following you trying to break you down or suck up to you, and very few genuine people. Guys who never even mentioned to me their not obvious feelings will get hurt over not being able to tell me or get attention from me and take it out on me. Ever been bullied or power tripped from people twice your age or even half yoir age because they're mad you don't care as much about their opinions towards you as they cares for yours towards them?

I'm really not conceited.. I want to live normally, but I feel like I finally figured this all out. I've been fucked mentally since I was very young so I really should come to terms with it instead of self sabotaging to avoid pain.

Best part is even saying this basically puts me as an injured antelope surrounded by hungry lions.

My parents were abusive pieces of shit who ruined my life.
I will NOT feel guilty about taking money from them
I will NOT tell them anything further about myself and my life
I will NOT let future dating partners ever meet them. I'll get married in secret and never tell them shit.
I will NOT inform them about any of my plans or projects ever again
I'm done feeling guilty or ungrateful. They were garbage abusive gaslighting selfish neglectful shitbags who squandered every ounce of my potential and keep lying to my face even after I found their shit out

Nope, get help before you start murdering people.

Really? You never had a dream that had a profound impact on you? Nightmares or anything? Never ignore dreams. It's your subconscious telling you something important is happening in your life.

I hate being a girl raised by exmilitary men. It causes such a confusion within me, i was raised to think and act like a warrior and never kneel but at the same time as a girl i have a need to be liked and socially accepted, obviously the two are horribly incompatible. I have these two sides of me constantly in a struggle. Of course my social life suffers immensely. I scared both friends and potential interests away with my aggression and intensity, and the people i do attract are weak and just want me to do everything, when deep down i long to be treated softly and like something fragile and precious. But at the same time, when someone treats me like that my "male" pride takes over and i get defensive and aggro.
This is all too complicated, just send me back in time so i can chop heads grow food and make babies, i hate modern life, theres no place i belong here.

Fuck I just had a PTSD attack and I just tore my T-shirt in shreads. The freakouts are getting worse, I can't handle being sober anymore. I fucking want to die.

What's your trauma?

I'm a 21 year old virgin that has never asked a girl out because I don't know what to do if she says no, even though in my mind I know it's no biggie and you just next her.
I'm finishing a course in IT but I'm afraid I'll underperform in my field or grow bored of it.
I never went to a party or social place.
Sometimes I feel like I missed and am missing out a lot on life, and am afraid that I'll never have the missed experiences again, or at least not with as much significance, since no one is going to be experiencing them firsthand with me, since people have done it all.

Man this is fucking bullshit.

Just everything from childhood till now. Domestic violence, neglect, school, verbal abuse, fights, loss of friends. I lived a very harsh life. Few knows how I really feel.

You need to break out of your shell a little and expose yourself more. It's not going to be easy, but it can be done with enough practice.
Men won't understand at first, your defensiveness and pride, but eventually, when you allow what's deep down to show through, you'll have success.
Give a chance to your feminine side, let it show. Don't forget that above all, you are a woman, and you should be proud of that.
Good luck.

okay so let me get this straight. Excuse me my language cause I feel bad at the moment. So my gf recently told me some friends of her are coming to town from her hometown where she came a few years ago. So she said she'll go hand out with them for a day. I said fine, just keep me posted from time to time, just text something simple like "i'm okay" or some shit. She only answered for one my message and thn she went offline. I sorta know those guys, she's playing some online vidya with them and they're kinda like her "childhood friends", Nothing speical just some fat dudes, literally, one of them is going bald, even, and they're good people for all I know. So I should not be worried, and Im really not, but still it feel kinda bad and i don't know my fucking face shakes a little i know its weird and stupid andimmature to think something like that, I know she loves me, and I love her too, even her family treats me nice, despite me being friendless weirdo who does hell knows what with his life i don't know i understand that she is a free individual and she can hang out with her friends(not that she has many, she is sorta like me but a bit more opened). This is my firt relationship btw, if that matters, i'm currently sitting and drinking looking at my unread messages to her and waiting for god knows what jeesus fucking christ im such an idiot why can't i just get over it it's not like she's partying with 40 chads right now or something, besides, i trust her and she also lets me hend out from time to time with my friend and his company but still how to i stop feeling so bad? Please excuse me myenglish at this moment, I don't post much but i have nowhere else to to share this shit, this is in fac a copypaste from a .txt file i wrote down just to feel better but i can't it doesn't help. This is so fucking stupid what the actual fuck i'm sorry

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Calm down. When she's back, ask for details if you want, but don't accuse her or pressure her.
If she's done anything wrong, which I sincerely believe she didn't, and she loves you as much as you say, you'll find out.
But I wouldn't worry too much about it. If she really likes you, she won't do anything stupid.
Also, it's normal for you to be worried, especially since it's your first relationship, and even more so if you're insecure. But don't sweat it too much.
If it's a one time thing and she's open about it, there's no reason to doubt her.
If it becomes a routine and she starts getting shady, then you have a reason to press the matter.

I know you wonder who I’m talking to. Too bad, I’m not going to start hiding anything from you. It’s not my style. I’ve tried everything with you. You know I love you and want you.

I've spent almost all morning looking at old notes and messages that I wrote for a catharsis or when I was lecturing the guy who my ex girlfriend got with and emotionally cheated on me with. I've been beating myself over whether I handled that like a mature adult. It really wore me out. I also found a note from 2016 when my Dog Maxx died. I wrote down all the little things that I missed about him that I've kinda pushed out of my mind since then. Like how my clothes would stink the we wrestled or how he'd rub his face against me to say good night. Damn thing made me cry. I guess I still really do miss that dog. I got drunk said some things last night to a stranger with my dad sitting on my other side about how I pretty much go through life learning not to pick a cat up by its tail. And I recited some of my dad's old rants about how some people's lives would be easier if they just did nothing at all. My dad told me he was very proud of me after all that. Felt pretty good about it.

Nah, they will be you friends no matter what. Birthday is overrated.

my relationship with my bf of several years has been hurting because of his possible cheating + some fucked up shit he told me while i was in the hospital. idk if our roommate has been flirting with me or not but he always seems like he wants to make me feel better, which i appreciate. i wish my bf was more like that, half of the time it seems like he legitimately does not give a fuck about me

I feel so bad right now. I worth nothing, I don't deserve to be alive because I'm so dumb. I cringed a lot lately for a girl, and after to see a therapist and I realized that I have no love for my self. 0%. I feel ashamed for all this bs.

How come whenever I have a sex dream I wake up right before the good parts?

Your unconsciousness is maintained by a fine balance of your brain's neural activity.
When you have a dream that causes you intense emotions, i.e.: fear, horror, sadness or sexual excitement, you are more prone to waking up due to that balance being disrupted.
My advice is: Don't get too enthusiastic. Keep your calm if you can, and it will possibly last longer.
Get too excited and the dream will "kick" you out.

t.Occasional lucid dreamer.

>Keep calm while unconscious

Thanks. I'll try that next time

Let go, let go, you ain’t gotta hold on no more...

I guess I take it too seriously but it IS important to me because it means I'm in their thoughts. Now I'm also upset because my close friend said happy birthday on a whatsapp group rather than on a personal message, as an excuse to make me post on that group and to make me go to some event I don't want to go to. I feel like if she used to be a 9/10 friend she's now a 5/10 friend.

You have a degree of control in your dreams, especially if you are lucid (realize it's a dream). Just don't be too "greedy" with lust and you should be okay.

Dude,What the hell?

Look for help bro. You are suffering unnecessarily. Don't be afraid and ashamed.

To be honest, I don't think this is too uncommon.
What kind of help? I understand I might have some anxiety, mixed with a little bit of depression and feelings low worth and low self-esteem at times, but does this really warrant treatment? It often looks to me like I should just quit being a pussy, in my moments of self-reflection and lucidity.

Sounds like the poet is down range

To the alcoholic suffering from ptsd. You can drink and get sober another day. If your dead you don’t have that chance...or a last good drunk.

I want to grab my housemate by her stupid ponytail and bash her head in on the nearest corner or counter.

Never share a house with someone from Birmingham anons, they're absolute reprobates

My comment some days ago was really bad. It was just aimed at one particularly nasty girl. There are people who went through the same as her but grew up to be nice folks. It was just aimed at her; it worked but it caused too much collateral damage, I don't want to hurt innocent people.

Regarding my previous love. I think I know why you did it, you're a feminist and all, standing up for those you feel have been unjustified treated. That being said, you chose to please both sides when I was at my weakest and sperged out how much I found you interesting. For that reason and all of its roots, and possibly something more we won't see each other. Those were some of the funniest months in my life though. I've moved on... or maybe you just hated me from day one and I've imagined something else. Regardless I still stand by everything I've said from the beginning and to this post. I've stopped stalking you, and I hope you do the same.

I realize it sounds so idiotic if all of this just is being read as "this guy has/had a lot of wishful thinking and got rejected, and now it's like the fox and the grapes situation" - maybe so. I will never know, and it's best like that. Or perhaps you jumped on the wagon like some others did when something bad happened to a relative of mine - my ex-girlfriend who I fought at the time was the only supportive person.

As juvenile as it sounds I'll win if worst comes to worst. We both know it. But all I just want is a peaceful life with a girl who does not have any emotional baggage. Cutting out mentally ill people in my life has been the best decision I've had for a long time. I'm tired of being everyone's psychologist. If you live in dirt you become dirt. I believe in giving people a new chance, but not in a situation which is so valuable as to one's partner in life if theories are right.

Tldr people with mental problems drag you down, did not mean to offend good people, not dating a hardcore feminist or a girl with a lot of emotional baggage

have you directly told them?

I hate my mom.

>make plans with her out of guilt
>she shoes up an hour early and just walks in unannounced
>doesn’t apologize
>ask her to take boots off
>she has a hissy fit about it
>argues the whole time, says I’m being disrespectful for telling her to remove shoes
>finally takes them off, literally yelling about it still
>I tell her if she continues to yell in my home she will no longer be invited
>throws a guilt fake “I’m going to leave”, doesn’t leave
>brought me fast food, the highest calorie item knowing I’m on a serious diet
>makes my dog nervous so dog pets, doesn’t clean it up or even offer.

I envy people with decent parents.

The meaning of life is to be a Chad and fuck as many prime hot bitches as possible. Everything else is coping and everyone else have to settle for Chad's leftovers.

I don’t know how and do I really have the right to? I have told him that I’m in love with him, though. It’s my problem to deal with. If he loved me he would have told me.

i feel like crying again
meanwhile your out with this guy probably not even thinking about me
would we really have gotten back together if i played it cool...

Rather deal with a dull pain than endure the memories. No words or logic can take away the pain that comes with the memories.

A real life tsundere! Cute.

I remember being 15

I had a bad nightmare last night

I was getting a ride from my grandmother to home

there was a roadblock
a ravaged dead body

I got out

they were all grouped together.

I couldn't go home

They said I was obligated to help

I told them I was an NCO

I'm not really an NCO, but the words came out so easily

we split into groups

I went with one group where the sergeant was really on edge

I let him lead

He went in an elevator to catch the killer

I stayed behind and the elevator was really fucked

I went in the elevator next

then I saw the killer

It was Heath Ledger's Joker carrying a knife

I was Unarmed trying to fight him

I ended up locked and taken hostage

then I woke up

i wanna fuckin burn shit down all i want All i want is to set fires and do crime and kiss boys
i hate having a job and having to do the job i hate capitalism and that this whole thing is such a well constructed lie, we're like fish in a tank with pictures of coral reefs pathetically pinned to the walls, there is no real freedom, why do i have to obey?
im so scared of committing crimes because of the repercussions when i know that the law is a completely inaccurate measure of moral integrity, i mean shit its technically illegal for me to drive bc im unliscensed right so what do i do? i dont even learn to drive because im scared ill get in trouble, and thats such bullshit! thats such
because im in here with several billion other people who are being just as mistreated, and some of them just do whatever the fuck they want glass walls be damned but some of them just fucking smile and take it up the ass and say "that's life! this is happiness! being brutalized by the heavily regulated circumstances of life is life! this is okay and i love playing ball and being controlled! ill do this until i die!"
im high right now,
high as fuck,
but im literally ALWAYS thinking about this kind of shit, its always on my mind, there is no moment of quiet away from the constant sensation of being a hamster in a cage and how good the cage is depends on how much of my self, my time, my health, im willing to give to one of the 10 or so dozen companies that own literally every inch of this stupid, insignificant sphere of rock floating in space self destructing because of self awareness.

and i don't want other people to suffer,
thats the part that gets me, because for as aware as i can make myself of other people suffering, i am powerless to stop even my own suffering.

all i want to do is live in the country, eat cold meats and cheeses and burn piles of dead brush on my property with my husband while the sun sets.

You'll get there.

It'll get better. It takes work though and it's not easy. I'm 35 and can just now go around my parents without it setting me back days. Its still tough but easier. It's way easier to be around people in general now. Keep working on those skills, find some good tools to utilize

I wish the drunk driver killed me when he t-boned me.

Just don’t message me anymore.

Stop saying that males memeing about Jason Momoa is a sign of a fragil masculinity, joking about your sexuality is a sign of being sure enough about yourself that you can joke about it you absolute retard.

Fuck why are woman so stupid?

I can do this

you could have said so in the beginning in an email

I've messaged in escort to see their average prices before and she was prompt and fast about saying it was like 10k and showed me the door

I'm a P.I. Narc Watchdog

I just so happen to work on the internet to try and make it safe for the next generation

thats what everybody says. sometimes it feels like they're saying it at me, specifically. and im like, what do you know? do you know something i don't? how do you know it, and please tell me it.

You have no plan. You live day to day, if that. You have goals or rather things you want. No clue how to get there. You keep getting blocked and don't understand why. You won't get it until you really reach rock bottom. I hate to see what that looks like to you. She keeps you in this delusional state. I think this legal process might shed a little "duh" on ya. But then again, probably not. You never were very smart or strong. You're so easily manipulated. Just takes someone to feed that bottomless pit called your ego and you follow.

I was top 5% in the most prestigious Computer science class in Silicon Valley

I was number 1 in writing for my region and was awarded by state congress

I was 9th on the bench for Cross Country in my team

I've hit rock bottom

hell I am in a pit below rock bottom now

Now all I can do is workout


save money

and do my 15 years

soon I won't even have internet

I think you need a good vacation. Go somewhere new, it will freshen you up.

Everyone I have ever dated has cheated on me. I’m so desensitized to it now. I feel horrible about myself.

At least yours aren't all mentally insane, I hope.

I hate going to movie theaters. People kick my seat, talk all throughout the film, cough and laugh out loud. Rustling of popcorn and candy never fucking stop. Kids making noises at random times.
I just wanna watch the movie, man. Guess I'll just wait a few months for the BDs to come out.

God I wish. Two of them were horrible to me. I’m pretty sure they gave me ptsd. I have awful nightmares about them often

Why the fuck is this happening?
I have a beautiful gf. Tall, long legs, toasted wheat blond/brunette hair. Cold steel blue eyes. She's cute, and when she's happy she's pretty much a little girl.
Almost perfect. I have been with her for over a year.
In pops a girl from class, she's normal looking. Not really beautiful but for some reason I've caught myself staring at her. Her personally has got me looking at her. She and my gf are very similar, but one seems to be on the other side of the depression cloud. To my gf I feel like a therapist at times, I'm her only point of stability in her life. Her excuse is that she doesn't know how to deal with things. When she has nightmares I get called at night, when she's overly stressed and needy I'm the one that calms her down. I can't even just sit and watch YouTube videos in a calm quiet because she feels paranoid that I'm leaving. I'm her everything and the more it happens the more stressed I get. The other girl and I have been spending time together as friends. Talking about food, old cartoons we watched as kids. There's awkward lulls in the conversation but it feels alright. I can tell she's dealing with shit, but something about the way she jokes and talks about wanting to be in animation is a nice listen. She genuinely enjoys stuff.
My gf on the other hand is so deep in her depression that everything feels like a chore. She doesn't want to be in uni (she has a free ride, and her parents pay for her room.), she has the whole big fish is now a normal fish issue going on, but instead of applying herself, she's kinda just wanting to sink. She's overly submissive to the point that I have to tell her to sleep, or take vitamins. If I don't, it's somehow my fault for letting stay up, because apparently she doesn't know what self-control is. It worries me. How the fuck do I tell her all this? At times it feels like she's forced her love for me. Each "I love you" feels emptier, she's trying to change. I guess. Don't know.

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My Crime:

I hacked Journalism in America with the NPC meme

Yes- I brought down buzzfeed

It was me

I do know why...
I’m not as naive as you think. It’s okay to let go. I’ll be okay.

Fuck it- Do it live

I'm glad I've had this year alone with him. He's now bonded to me properly, as should've been from the beginning but wasn't because you refused to ever work and forced me back only a couple weeks from having him. Then your mother took over and almost ruined him. That was God intervening, getting her out of his life forever. It will be forever now. You on the other hand, will have to prove that you are safe and stable. It's going to be a long haul for you to get there and I doubt you'll do it because once she learns she isn't allowed near him again, the sugar mama ain't going to want to pay for you so you'll actually have to pay his support and his visit supervisors fees alone. That means you'll have to actually work a steady job.
You're just not capable.

My throat hurts from constantly holding my tears back. Why did I have to know you. Things were so much easier before.
But ya... I know why ;_;
I remember.

Well, I used to think like you, but is not healthy. I'm seeing a therapist right now and I start to change the way I see some stuff, relationships for example. I'm the kind or a person that give away everything, I can not say no, and sometimes I expect some gratitude from people, but not all people can say thanks or will make something good for you. Very often, I felt depress because I believe I worth nothing to people, but hey, you just need to be in the mind of people that really love you: family, wife / husband, etc. Try to be happy for yourself this day is your birthday, you are alive and do not need the whole world to spend your life. From a person who suffer depression anxiety and low self-esteem. Happy birthday user.

I'm so fucking miserable every day.
I hate my job. I don't like my girlfriend. I have no friends
most days are spent just waiting for the day to fucking end
I have nothing to look forward to in life

you know when you hear early humans died around 28 years old? I'm 28 now and that sounds like what it should be...

if only.

If only what, user?

I wonder if you even remember me anymore.
But then again I don't think you knew me. So maybe it doesn't matter.

I'm a slave to my own feelings.

It's totally over:

I haven't gone out of my house in the last month or so. Well maybe only one time that I took a ride with my bicycle around the city but nothing more.

I have lost all my friends. It's normal that nobody wants to be with a person so negative and psychologically destroyed like me. I would do the same.

I can't stand my parents. When my parents are in the house I almost don't come out of my room and then I'm alone half of the week.

I only see my sister if she comes to the house for an hour or so. I don't have any connection with her anyway.

I'm tired of everything, nothing interest me anymore. There is nothing that makes me feel good anymore. Only things like eating, taking a hot shower, sleeping or masturbating watching porn are the things that make me feel good only for a brief moment.

I have lost all hope in me and my future. I see myself as a lost cause. A person completely psychologically deranged and destroyed. I have lost all hope on psychologists/psychiatrists, meds, etc.

I spend all my time either sleeping or on the internet.

I will never have a job, friends, girlfriend, car, house, children...

Everyday I think that the most logical thing for me to do is to end this nonsense of existence but I'm too afraid to do it. So my life will be a complete nightmare decades and decades feeling like I feel now or worse and worse through the years to the point that I won't even be able to go out anymore.

Sure that having a serious illness like cancer or another similar illness is terrifying but for me losing control of your own mind and see that you can't do anything, that no one can do anything... That you seem fine on the outside but inside you are totally dead and deranged, it's for me the worst thing that can happen to you in life.

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I really wish that I could tell my life stories to you and see your eyes while I'm talking. But that's only just a dream. You will never be mine, I know.