FED VISIT STORY THREAD

so he can plink his alarm clock off in his bedroom user do you live under a rock

Wait wtf... Why are people getting the party van visiting in Aus???
>Inb4 user was v& for this post

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ASSASINATION

A .22 isn't loud. I kill groundhogs all the time in my backyard with a bolt action .22 and it hardly makes a sound.

>Be me
>12 years ago, happening when I was 14
>my mom left me for a week
>older brother was supposed to take care of me
>he doesn't he just stays with friends and parties
>I literally don't see that asshole once
>I observe what food I have, not even enough with rationing
>dad had like, 60 some fucking guns in the basement
>all in unlocked storage
>its 10 o'clock at night
>decide i want to "hunt" the next day
>decide to play with his .357 mag revolver before bed
>was practicing pulling the hammer and slowly disarming the hammer
>I didn't even make sure it was unloaded first
>after 10 successful disarms I fuck up and discharge a shot in the house
>my ears are ringing and somehow it hurt my vision too
>bulled went through a door, two walls, and then got stuck in a door frame
>ohshit.jpg
>I am literally freaking out
>30 minutes later a police car shows up
>get a knock on my front door
>we never actually use our front door and its locked 24/7 and I dont have the key
>tell them to go around back
>police are hesitant but go around back
>I wait on the porch
>see 10/10 Officer Tessa
>she asks what happened, I tell
>she checks house to make sure nobody else is there
>calls my mom
>tells my mom she is an idiot
>Officer Tessa tells me not to touch any more guns
>tucks me in bed
>then we fuck for about 5 min
>I cum because I am a noob
>tfw she checked on me a couple times a month for some fuck

>Are you fucking retarded.

No, the Jew in the picture is.

ITT: Massive hearing damage.

An older woman claiming to be from the US Census bureau visited my mother and asked very personal questions about me and my brother, what things we were into, if we had any alias' or handles that she knew of, and questioned about some of our friends/acquintances. Then, she proceeded to ask if us or anybody in our family had special training, to which my mom responded what kind of special training and the lady ended it there. My mom watched her as she was leaving. She was not parked in the driveway, no, instead she walked about half a block down and got into a blacked out SUV and drove away. My mom called the office the lady claimed she was from and they said they hadn't had any employed under the name given and that it must have been a prank.

I never have, but come get me glow niggers. Met you on minecraft.

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>hardly makes a sound

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*Meet you on minecraft.
A roleplay server preferably.

Shouldn't talk to census bureau workers anyway. As long as you've indicated the number of people living at the address, you've done all you need to do. The rest is all bullshit for an outside commercial statistics operation (they'll admit this if you do make the mistake of answering the door) and they're going to go around and get your neighbors to try to rat on you before sending somebody.

It's creepy as hell.

Or be a fucking savage like me
First thing I ask is are you a salesman
If they say yes right away, which they never do, I close the door right away.
Then I ask his business. Then I realize its a salesman and say Oh, so you see x.
He says yes, then I say you're a salesman, and I close the fking door.
I'd skip a few step if it was a census, I would probably get angry and ask what the fuck are you the cops and if they say no same thing.
In the face.
Its a joy my friends. Fking plebs knocking at my door lol

sell x*
REEEE

Whats crazy to me is the lady had a whole fake name, badge, everything? I know I meme hard on the internet but c'mon guys.

It's a toss-up, though. Just like talking to the cops or the feds, you don't always know going in to it if you might have somebody who's going to reveal a lot of interesting information for a carefully limited disclosure on your part.

In my case with the FBI, obviously the lawyer doesn't want you to say anything at all. But after our discussion his disposition was that I'd done a pretty alright job of things considering they gave me such gentle treatment and I'd come away with having gotten some decent readings on what the situation was, what they were looking for, what they were thinking, etc.

What happened?

AM I BEING DETAINED
AM I BEING DETAINED
I DONT RECOGNIZE YOUR AUTHORITY THATS AN ADMIRALTY FLAG ON YOUR SCROTUM
AM I BEING DETAAAAINNNNNEEDDD
I came

They were very professional about everything. We had a bit of a discussion so I could understand the parameters of the situation, and they could get a sense of my standing until I said I thought I should probably talk to a lawyer before saying anything more. We were able to work through what exactly they might want to seize as evidence, rather then them just hauling off with everything in sight. And they thanked me for being cooperative instead of trying to feed them a line of obvious bullshit or making things more difficult than they had to be.

In the end, I got a call from my lawyer and he informed me that they were not interested in pressing any charges. I let them keep the stuff they took because by then I'd replaced it with new equipment anyway and I wasn't interested in poking a bees nest in some possible fashion.

They didn't ask if I had off-site backups, so I only lost a few months of stuff. They of course could have come back to arrest me and seize more of whatever they wanted later anyway.

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What did they seize tho?

bullshit..... but niiiice.

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his means of production

>Officer Darren and Officer Sharyl knock on me door
>open the main door but keep the chain lock attached and the fly screen locked
>they can only see me through the screen and a thin slither of the door
>"good day is Mr user home? We'd like to ask a few questions about his involvement in online hate crimes"
>probably thought I was my son
>"Nah mate he's gone out to play cowboys and indians at the park"
>slam door
This was 30 minutes ago, how screwed am I? I just magnet wiped two hard drives.

Laptop, a bunch of extra hard drives and things from my shelf. At one point the guy started looking through my container of blank CDRs that had a few already-burned ones on top and I made asked him if he was seriously going to take my blanks, which I think made him feel a little bit silly, but he said sometimes that's exactly where they hide the stuff! So I let him go ahead.

They looked through some other things, like my collection of music CDs, and boxes of parts, and stuff like that. But the laptop was the main object of the search warrant.

2/10 didn't end with walk the dinosaur

What data were they after?

Simon says, "crawl towards me while still keeping your hands in the air!"

ur right fucking fucked m8

I hope your son is not involved with online hate crimes user, that would be terrible. Hopefully he sees that he is a white male who needs to sit down when he pees and keep quiet when women and minorities are speaking.

IT'S TIME!!!

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That which was described in the search warrant. I'm not going to detail what I was suspected of, but that was a useful part of our conversation because I didn't quite understand what they were thinking, and that provided then an opportunity to see if perhaps I might know something that could lead them to the droid they were looking for.

Y'all got nothing to worry about in burgerlandia. I cut fbi hair. They have technology but are too busy hunting niggers and hajis really.

did they ever find the droid they were looking for? or are they still looking to this day? did the sand people get them?

No idea, but I'd like to think so. In my opinion, the potential crimes involved would be worth spending some effort on tracking down.

Unironically install gentoo.

there's not much reason to use an autoloading .22 without a suppressor unless you're super lazy and want to clean your gun less. you can plink with a gun like that all day for very cheap without ear protection.

People have tried to sell me guns before but they were paramilitaries which is basically the same thing.

I was believing this until user said buller got stuck in door frame. Was it made of wood? Or slumpblock 300# concrete?

>

Let me guess, it was CP because you're a fucking pedo.

No, I'm not a pedo. I think they wouldn't have let that slide.

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Wood door frame. When I finally got around to unloading the revolver it was loaded with hollowpoints, if that makes any difference.

No police actually showed up but the rest is true.

here's a few. i'm bad at stories but they're 100% true

1/3

>be me about 20 years ago, young teenager
>l337 h4x02 on irc, trading "rooted" servers to dos with. back then, hsi was pretty much brand new and most people had laughable bandwidth, a single rooted .edu or .gov server could pretty much take any connection down with juno or other kiddie scripts
>...
>one day, two feds from the department of defense knock on my door
>apparently some troll left a literal plaintext document on one of their servers with my full name and address
>still no idea how they got it
>they ask me a bunch of questions about known hackers, i just play dumb and hand over my computer
>they return it a week later and never hear from them again

Stop and frisk the cops. 4th amendment protects me from them. Doesn't protect them from me.

Is this a fuckin glow scare thread or what

Bullets absolutely will stop in doors.
I can recall an instance where 9x19 ricocheted off a wooden table, through a wooden door with aluminum sheathing, and stopped in the storm-door's hinge.

Several. They're total pussies if you're armed and demonstrate you're capable of defending your constitutional rights. If you aren't armed good luck, I got shot in the head with an LRAD. Nearly died from intracranial hemorrhaging. Fuck feds, military spooks are alright though.

2/3

>be me, young teen again
>a website called boylover.net exists (yes, from the triangle conspiracy theory bullshit)
>i join to make lulz. end up befriending an admin (steven i believe) and some others, use social engineering (back then 'forgot password' for emails was simple shit like zip code and gg) to get into their emails and subsequently their admin accounts on the boylover forum
>from that, get access to every users account
>there's this fake little boy. i know he's fake, but whatever. he larps as some super intelligent kid and the admins back him, claiming to have met him and his pedo father, blah blah
>super self righteous faggot, talking about boylove all day and how it has been a good influence in his life
>anyway, there's this sandnigger who sucks up to him all the time. i go into his account and send a lewd message to the "little boy", asking for nudes and lemme suk yo dik. i even said it in broken english like the dumb nigger used
>absolute fucking shitfest explodes on the forum
>i end up deleting every board and message, but they restore it
>other lulz were had
>skip a few months, long after i got bored of them and left, i get an email from a cop asking me to give him a call
>i call him, it's a legit police department etc. and he asks me a bunch of questions, asks for logs (i had AIM logs, email, etc) and sent them to him
>once again never heard about it again, but they were taken offline and busted shortly after

>4th amendment protects me from them
No it doesn't. No laws protect you if know one knows it happened to you. Or if they are all against you. Always carry a gun.

3/3 this one's kinda boring

>be me a year or so ago
>dumb cunt heroin addict sister has pretty much forced herself into my house
>not gonna explain too much but long series of my own procrastination and busy being gone for work weeks at a time made it so i had to evict her, cops wouldn't do shit
>blah blah blah
>she has a huge amount of issues with cops. complete fucking degenerate slut retard junkie
>she steals a fucking phone, unkowingly from a fucking prosecutor, at a court house
>they find address with gps/find my phone type shit
>a fucking swat team is banging on my door
>open up to like 10 guns in my face, a riot shield thing
>they bring my sister out, we're both handcuffed
>bunch of bullshit goes on, i get handcuffs taken off as detectives (yes, all this in one day) are searching my house for the phone
>they find it and end up taking her into a car to talk to her for something over an hour
>they let her go and leave
>...
>good end: i evicted the cunt and she's in jail for some unrelated shit

Its a good thing you got her out.

My brother was like that; drugs, getting arrested, hanging with the wrong crowds, the whole nine yards. On top of that he was a communist. Like fascinated with Karl Marx and would read socialist book, preach communism, want free gibs, etc...

He went to jail multiple times but eventually some heroin spiked with fentanyl took care of the problem.

Pedarast confirmed

Counterfeited some money back in 2000 and passed some around at school. Feds showed up and threatened to take my PC and accessories, but I cooperated and was 17 at the time, so I got off pretty easy with some school suspension

Noguns detected. How do we know it’s a .22 anyway?

nice larp

Nope. I was barely even curious about boys when I was that age wondering what was going on.

Only if you live outside of the US. Freedom of speech protects us. Just don't threaten to kill anyone and you wont have any visits from the party van.

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When I was a kid my family lived in Idaho. Been there a about 3 years when OKC happened. Some federal agents came to the house a month later and took my dad to Boise for a "talk". Dad came back home 4 or 5 days later and didn't talk about it to me until I was in my 20s. Basically he was part of a militia movement and the feds wanted to interrogate anyone who was even remotely connected to the OKC perpetrators. They apparently were threatening everyone with federal charges, cost of defending themselves, possible jail time etc. Dad lawyered up and that was that... they didnt have anything but bluster.

Fast forward to 2013 and I got a visit by a couple of feds because they wanted info on guys I grew up with. Gave them my attorneys business card and told them to direct all questions to him.

Fuck the feds and never talk to them without an attorney present.

You talk like a pedo but it sounds like that’s not what they were interested in you for. I don’t imagine many CP seizures end the way your story did. If you’re not going to tell us what you were doing you can give us hints

no, if the cops ever showed up at my door, i have a justifiable reason for my time here.

>I just magnet wiped two hard drives.
Somebody post the edit from that moviw with the JPOP background music.

I don't think you need hints. They got a tip about something suspicious from a certain IP address at a certain date that they though was worth investigating, and they so they investigated. To be very honest with you, I never even thought about other guys' cocks until I was out of university because it didn't even cross my mind to wonder how I measured up or what other guys' cocks looked like.

I'm not sure exactly where I fit in to the whole thing, but when they're trying to get tips to find like a real source of something they go through people who might merit enough suspicion for a warrant to have been issued. So I would just say that you wouldn't want to get too close to things that you know to be dangerous, even if maybe you once associated with a certain person or whatever else.

The most I have gotten were some calls from some CIA niggers. But my dad has had some close encounters. Long story short he does a lot of research into the mob and is in a few pics that feds took of mob guys. Talking about the mob if you guys want to see an interesting dumpster fire keep an eye on NYC families things seem interesting.

I was a bank teller and a methhead held my boss at knife point she gave him $4000 in unmarked bills when we just got dye packs and a new security system (that failed because the dvr got full). Guy ran out the building and hopped over a wall in our parking lot. FBI came and interrogated all the employees and turned up with nothing because they are just as retarded as state or local police. With bank robberies the employees are always suspect number one they think it's always an inside job always. 5+ hours later they finally let us out of the building. I went outside to smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves and walked over to where the guy ran afterwards. The wall in the parking lot facing the building is like 3 feet tall, but there is a 8 foot drop to some grass and bushes at a lower elevation. I peeked over the wall and the methhead left the knife his coat and wallet behind a bush. I looked over to the feds and said "uh did you guys think of looking over here? You missed something" FBI says thanks now beat it.". Later I got a private call from them who said I needed to go down and do a lineup. Feds are just as retarded as cops but their desire and ability to put you in prison is much much higher do NOT attract their attention. Also another time a teacher at my hs got busted for cp and they came but that wasn't as exciting.

I was only a fourteen year old kid when they came by. I’ll tell you my story... and I hope it serves as a warning to you.

>be me, 10 years ago, loner with acne problems and regular on /b/
>L33t h4x0r and all around fucking nerd
>make some funny Fed posts that were genuinely hilarious
>the irony was lost on the actual feds
>some busty FBI chicks came by my parents’ home and knocked on the door
>parents weren’t home and I was upstairs gaming
>”OPEN UP, FBI!”
>I head down and look through the peephole, quaking like a little sissy bitch in my boxer shorts
>it’s a cadre of FBI vixens, dressed to the nines in the most revealing Fed attire you can imagine
>open-toe black heels, skirts that are barely long enough to meet regulations, and silk blouses with the top two buttons undone to show just enough cleavage
>my pussy ass virgin self is shaking, but I open the door
>immediately regret my decision
>the lead one kicks the door open immediately puts me in a rear chokehold
>”CLEAR THE HOUSE, GIRLS, I’VE GOT THIS LITTLE BITCH!”
>I’m quaking like a pussy as the team clears the house
>Finding nothing, the team regroups in the foyer. The leader is still restraining me.
>”So... girls... what do we do with this little faggot?”
>I’m too scared to speak and manage only a little squeak
>”I have an idea” says a particularly buxom asian MILF agent
>she’s smirking diabolically
>”Oh, Agent Chong... are you thinking what I’m thinking?” says the leggy blonde
>oh fuck what is about to happen
>”Let’s teach this little cuck a lesson”
>the head agent produces a tube of aloe vera-infused lube, an ergonomically-designed vibrating dildo, and a roll of duct tape
>oh fuck.jpg

1/2

Back when George W. was president, several months after 9/11, I was interviewed by both Homeland security and the Secret Service. I was working for a community mental health center and one of the clients I was working with sent a letter to GW threatening to kill him.

I met a guy in school who I later learned from side channels had said something really dumb when he was not even in high school yet. Nothing happened to him, but he was pretty bent up later on about not being able to get into any of the agency jobs he'd been setting his sights on.

no but tv license man called my home once and I told that bastard to fuck off
not even larping

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good on ya mate

>Trump enters race for presidency
>Join Identity Evropa
>Get involved
>Donate to IE
>Decide to travel Europe for 9 months
>5 months in Charlottesville happens
>All baggage goes missing on my flight to Scotland and is never recovered. Suspicious.
>Get to Sweden 2 months later
>Walking around in large city and get lost
>Walk in circles on accident
>Realize someone is literally following me
>Walk fast for half a minute
>Stop abruptly
>Slowly turn around
>Guy is literally standing behind me and our eyes meet
>F U C K
>I decide to walk right past him and graze his shoulder to let him know I know wtf he is doing
>A week later I go on a date and realize the old man one table down is ease dropping on me and my dates conversation and recording it on his phone.
>F U C K

Long story short I'm on so many fucking lists now... thanks IE

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I've been interviewed by the Secret Service before. Not a big deal.

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Lol fuck outta here you pedo don’t deny thy were looking for your cheese pizza

It was actually because I was practicing my rap in the bathroom while some girl was trying to pass as a boy in one of the stalls.

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I pleaded insanity. Someone falsely reported me & SWATTED me. They took what I said out of context, and I was eventually found innocent. But I had to spend a lot of time in a mental hospital during the investigation. That’s all I feel like sharing, but if any of you have questions then feel free to ask. No BS

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Chances are you’re already on a watchlist.

spoopy

Fucking Bumbling Idiots busted me by backtracing to catch me and interrogated me before slapping on the handcuffs, for a purported death threat earlier this decade.

I beat the feds after appellate. Thanks to Elonis v United States.

I have a clean slate, but I'm shunned and ostracized where I live. Reputation permanently damaged and I have no friends except one random crazy friend. My name can be googled to deny me job opportunities and even get turned down by dates.

Oh well. One important thing is, never talk to the police. Shut up and demand to talk to your lawyer to try to save your ass.

When I was visiting DC and was standing outside the White House a Secret Service agent on a bike saw that I was trying to cross the road and blocked off traffic for me.

they will make you wait a long time in a cold room and then offer you a hot drink with the line, we already have you and we already know you did it just admit it and we can go easier on you.
don't believe it, if they already had you they wouldn't be talking to you. If you can't lie to the police why should they be able to lie to you?

You didn't explain why though. What were they investigating you for?

I assume the warrant is a matter of public record. I could be wrong about that, but I assume that it should be. So if you want to look me up by name I guess you'd find it.

It's none of your business what I was being investigated for. They weren't out to ruin me over something. They just had a search warrant so they could proceed with their investigation.

yeah. had two guys in suits come up and knock on my door. told me they were fbi when i asked who they were through the door, i asked for a warrant. they just wanted a friendly talk. I asked for a warrant. They kept going on about why dont i open the door and talk to them a bit to sort it all out. i stopped replying to them and they sat on my doorstep for about 15mins before one walked around the back of my house. I stared at him naked through my sliding glass door, when we locked eyes he sat still for a moment. he then went back around my home to his partner, left, and i havent heard anything about it since.

user, are you Stonetear?

I don't know what that word means.

for what charges were you raided?

>When the Subway guy puts bacon in your turkey club

Starts with the letter T, that’s all I’ll say