I'm apparently in an abusive relationship but I can't commit to the idea of leaving

The other day my fiancé hit somewhat of a breaking point mental health-wise and said some really mean things to me that he didn't quite mean. The day after, I broke down in front of my family and proceeded to get everything that's ever bothered me during our relationship off my chest. My family is telling me than I'm in an abusive relationship and that I should cut and run.

I've been having a hard time commiting to any decision. From any outsider's perspective, seeing the negative points in our relationship laid out makes beaking up seem like the obvious "right thing" to do. But whenever I start to agree with my family, I go back to thinking about how much I love my fiancé, and how much I value the time we spend together. I know he only has the best of intentions and that he really cares about me. The low points can be bad, but I feel that I didn't properly emphasize to my family how great our high points have been.

Is it unreasonable to feel that I should try to make it work? My family hates him now, so that bridge has been burned. I know that if I approached him to talk about breaking up, it'd absolutely come out of left field for him. I'm not an assertive person and I've struggled to bring up things that upset me in the past, out of fear of upsetting him. Part of me wants to leave, while another part of me feels that it'd be unfair to drop this on him without offering him the opportunity to try to change and make things right.

Can someone please talk some sense into me? I don't know what I want.

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Could you actually provide details instead of being purposefully vague? Jesus this board is full of idiots.

Is this the first time? If it isn’t don’t marry this person. Run, fast.

Sorry, I only had about 400 characters left and didn't want the OP to be too wordy.

I'll elaborate a little more shortly, I need to organize my thoughts a little.

Yesterday's conflict spiraled from really dumb horseplay. I was with my brother and we were playing with our /very/ energetic kitten. Stupid lighthearted shit. The kitten was on my fiance's back and I thought I was playfully being a dick. I played with his hair a little to excite the cat and my fiance pushed me away, slapped me and stormed out the back door. While he was gone, he grabbed my phone from the seat on the patio, unlocked it, tweeted something really profane through my account.and handed my phone back to me. After my brother told me that that really wasn't okay, I followed him back outside to explain that I felt that my boundaries were violated. I explained that I try really hard to maintain a professional presence online, and he yelled back at me that I was more in the wrong than he was and that he doesn't like getting his scalp scratched up and that we don't always get what we want.

My biggest problem here is that he tends to have anger issues, but he's never really taken it out on me to this extent. I'm starting to feel like he has to force himself to treat me well during frustrating situations, and that really hurts.

Beyond that a lot of our conflicts come from his mental health. He struggles with anxiety and PTSD on a daily basis, but trust issues come along with that. He never feels fully secure in the fact that I love him and needs WAY more attention that I can give sometimes. He generally doesn't have any intention to hurt me, but it's really draining to take care of him when he doesn't seem to want to take care of himself.
When things are starting to turn around and go well, I feel that he sabotages elements of his life that don't directly relate to me without even realizing it.

Lel, he sounds insane. Trust me OP you do not want to marry this guy. Have you ever broken up with someone before? You're going to have to start rehearsing, but do it with a male family member nearby so he doesn't kill you.

>My biggest problem here is that he tends to have anger issues, but he's never really taken it out on me to this extent.
It's only going to get worse if you accept and "work through" this one. This really takes the cake and shows you that he's only been holding back on his reactions because he is testing to see how much he can get away with doing to you. Quit before he kicks you down the stairs while pregnant.

This would be my first breakup. He really doesn't have much of a life outside of me, so I'm 100% sure he'd be devastated and there's no way this wouldn't ruin his life.
There's been times in the past where he's been suicidal over having a dream that we broke up without realizing that we never actually broke up.
I recognize that it's important to prioritize my own health, but I don't wanna set him up to crash and burn.

Not your responsibility to be his healer and caretaker if it's too heavy a burden to carry. If you really want to keep this you should probably give him an ultimatum to check in to a ward/hospice care for mental rehabilitation. PTSD in guys is serious stuff because usually everyone else is telling them to suck it up and stop having emotions, so instead they become massively violent.

I think it took seeing how much my family hates him to realize how much of an unpleasant person he is to people that aren't me. I guess I always looked the other way.
Even back when we were in school together, I remember that he'd always be very vocal about not liking people. Calling people he thought were obnoxious pieces of shit and telling them to kill themselves, that sort of thing. It always alienated me, but he'd tell me it was just playful banter. But if he legitimately doesn't like these people, banter shouldn't be on the table. I tell my best friend to kill himself all the time, but when he tells my best friend, who he clearly doesn't like at that, to kill himself it isn't quite the same.

Aren't ultimatums generally pretty shitty? He's had multiple negative experiences with psych wards in the past and I don't doubt that he'd feel betrayed and just blame himself.

>I guess I always looked the other way.
>Even back when we were in school together, I remember that he'd always be very vocal about not liking people.
jfc, yeah you did.
>It always alienated me, but he'd tell me it was just playful banter.
More of that "testing you" shit, even right from the beginning.
>Aren't ultimatums generally pretty shitty?
Not when your physical and mental health are now being threatened more than before.
>I don't doubt that he'd feel betrayed and just blame himself.
And he should blame himself. This is part of his mental health he is not taking any responsibility for to make sure that it doesn't not only just keep himself out of danger but you too.
>multiple negative experiences with psych wards
Guuurl, he has multiple negative experiences with PEOPLE for EXISTING since ya'll were in HIGH SCHOOL. Wake up and smell what is going on.

>I'm gonna stay in an obviously, demonstrably abusive relationship
Yeah that's usually how it works for you guys
I'm not even gonna bother saying anything else because this is either bait or a retard who shouldn't have the internet because it's made them a spineless milquetoast who can't take any judicious action whatsoever because hard decisions are scaaaawy.

Backpedal harder and stay with your abusive man, the signs were there from day one and you were probably very obviously pointed to the issue from the get-go, you've just chosen to ignore it. Why stop now, right?

Fuck, you people are useless. How do you idiots get rings anywhere near your lives? In what reality are you 'adult' enough to get married?

Obviously after your story everyone on Jow Forums is going to tell you to leave this guy, and in this case, they're probably right.

Let's examine the evidence, he
>slapped you and stormed away like a child
Why did he do this?
>Reeee I don't like my scalp scratched up
Your response at this point should have been that you don't like your face slapped up.
What else did this douche do?
>he took your phone, tweeted out profane things on your account without your permission and then when confronted about his childish behavior he yelled at you again telling you that you were more wrong than him?
This is NOT how your fiance should be acting. This is how a 7-year old boy acts. It's obvious that he has anger management issues if he's slapping you, stomping around in a temper tantrum and stealing your phone to fuck up your online reputation.

>but user, I'm worried about his PTSD and anxiety and what the fuck else he's got wrong with him, if I break up with him he might...
I'm going to stop you right there. That isn't your problem anymore. He's being abusive toward you and it will only get WORSE. Seriously, get out now while you've still got time to do so. People that hit others in anger, ESPECIALLY their significant other, are going to continue their violent behavior. It's only a matter of time before he seriously hurts you, either physically or mentally or both. Get out now, you need to get away from him.

I really hope you'll take my advice and run with it, you've gotta step up to the plate and break up with this fucker before he makes things worse. Listen to your family, they only want what's best for you.

The thing is, he will try to use his mental health to trap/guilt you into staying far longer than you should. You talk about ultimatums, but he is the one who heinously pulling that shit, toying with the idea of death so can stay miserable with him. It’s a shitty, manipulative tactic and you need to stand up for yourself.

Also this, do not take his suicidal tendencies personally, these are tools too.

Run from this rage boy or he will kill you.

>don't take them seriously
Fuck them altogether
Come the fuck on. If he's that god damn miserable that he wants to die then don't stop him. Otherwise it's a fucking excuse and he's a piss-baby

Anyone who responds to this with anything but "then fucking DO it" is wrong. Suicide is not a threat and the moment it's used as one I tell people to 'go right the fuck ahead, see if I care then.' Sure as fuck ain't gonna if they're THAT done with life that they have to threaten me away with suicide. Fine buddy, go fuck yourself to death then

There is no 'taking' this. It's the kind of childish shit kids pull, like biting you when they think it'll get their way.

Thank you. You guys are absolutely right.
I'm afraid of the conflict that comes with breaking up more than anything else. I'm spineless and afraid to make any decision that yields burnt bridges and permanent consequences. But spending the rest of my life with him is going to amount to more stress and conflict than breaking up ever would. Whether he knows it or not, he only loves me because I'm the only person willing to put up with him and show unconditional affection.

I don't feel that he's trapping me intentionally, but that's not really the point.
He doesn't care about being a good person or taking the moral high ground if it doesn't have anything to do with me. I care about him immensely and love the high points in our relationship, but I don't want to ride an emotional roller-coaster with him for the rest of my life.

I understand where you're coming from but I just don't see myself ever being that apathetic to the situation. If it were up to me, I'd want to leave on good terms. I want to let him off easy and make it clear I want what's best for both of us, I just don't know how realistic that is.

Good on you for waking up. Stick to your guns and have a family member close by on standby if you are really worried, your health and well being comes first, he needs to sort his shit out himself and not lean on you as an emotional crutch.

Good luck OP, keep us updated and dont back out.

>PTSD

oh no. I dated a man with PTSD. Not for a long time because it was going nowhere. Put your own safety and well-being first

>He doesn't care about being a good person or taking the moral high ground if it doesn't have anything to do with me.
helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm/