I don't even know where to start. For 3 years my SO was always super negative towards me meeting with my female friends. I didn't even do it often, like i've met with 3 of them top every few months, yet she always flipped her shit. Told her to go to therapist to fix this, she did because i twas do-or-die for us. She goes there over a year, nothing changed. When we started dating she was forcing me to cut ties with every single one of them, i told her i am not doing it. I still stopped talking with them much. Month ago my ex-gf messaged me saying she's sorry for cheating on me (almost 4 years passed since then, i didn't give a fuck), but when my gf found out about it she started interrogating me and after i told her to stop she said "i'm doing this because i'm affraid you'll cheat on me" Told her i need to rethink everything, after a week she pretty much begged me to take her back and promised she'll work on that, that she should change her therapist and she can't keep living like this because it's wrong. Fast forward to yesterday, friend who i haven't seen for 3 years asked me if i'm around because she'll come home for 3 days and if i'm ok to meet her. Agreed, told my gf about it. 1st thing she said was "yeah go, but i have to deal with that" That pissed me off, asked the heck is her problem "You're seeing another woman alone, don't expect me to be happy about it and not show my dissatisfaction" I immediatly recognized the red flag, and started asking the heck is her problem. To my astonishment she claimed she only agreed not to forbid me from seeing my friends, but not to fix her goddamn attitude. She kept using her friends as example that her attitude is right, even her mother (her father was cheating on her multiple times). She kept whining how i am not giving her any compromises, even though a month ago she agreed it's all her fault and she has a problem she needs to fix.
I don't even know where to start. For 3 years my SO was always super negative towards me meeting with my female friends...
cont.
After arguing back and forth i've heard "for me if a man goes to see a woman alone, it's pretty much clear he has plans towards her" I was stunned. One month and she changed her attitude completely, and i even told her that she should see therapist because of that exact thing. I even shown her articles and psychologists stating that her forcing me do stop doing stuff and making a fuss out of stuff like that is a sign of toxic partner. Her response was "yeah you are right because some research, like that even matters. Every relationship is different" I felt like i'm talking with a dumb flatearther. And she does her goddamn phd while collecting research herself.
How big of a shithole have i gotten myself into?
Big shithole for sure.
Imagine if the tables were turned and you were the one forbidding her for seeing male friends.
You'd be an abusive, possessive partner.
But hey she's a woman so all is good.
On the other hand, who gives a shit.
Problem is she doesn't have male friends. That's her main line of defense - i don't have any guy friends because i am only focussing on you. Whenever i want to meet with fem friends, she says no and i do it anyway i'm "not respecting her opinion" Only way to do so is to do things exactly her way. Guess it's time to run.
My boyfriend and I agreed to never meet up alone with opposite gender friends. It was a mutual decison and the peace of mind and happiness that came from it is worth it. We still have opposite gender friends, but we meet in group settings and stuff.
You should simply split up if one of you suffers so much for the happiness of the other person. Clearly you're incompatible and it's causing issues for you.
That's some borderline othello syndrome jealousy shit. You don't have regular female friends?
She is jealous to the point it's mentally ill. If she ever makes ultimatums or tries to control you over you having female friends, end it, it won't get better, she is ill.
I never wanted to agree to things like that, it was forced on me without even asking if i'm okay with this. It was all "you either do that or you don't care about me" She doesn't even want to meet my female friends because "i'm doing it to make her comfortable with them so i can spend time with them alone" I know them way longer than i know her, we have our separate lives. It was all fine for her and she never asked me if im fine when we did things her way because "i was expected to do so if i love her", but when i said enough is enough she always whines about "me not wanting to respect her opinions and not giving her any ways of compromise" We tried compromising for over a year, it always ended up with me doing my part and her not doing hers, just trying to bend me to her desires. She doesn't even want me to have female friends, if she was allowed to decide about my life i'd have to fucking cut ties with everybody. Heck, it was bad to the point i she got fucking mad because one time i gave a lift to 2 of my fem co-workers because they were heading the same way as me. Or when we were on our vacations, she started flipping her shit because i waved back at a girl who lend us that one thingy to open my gfs smartphone because we needed to restart it. Looking back at it makes me realize how insecure and controling person she really is. Whatever you say, getting furious over things i've mentioned before is pathetic to say the least.
Ok, nvm, that is actual othello syndrome.
Dump now, she's a social pariah.
I mean, she didn't force you at gun point. You could have chosen to stand your ground or dump her.
Anyway - if you're unhappy, end it. She does sound controlling and crazy, and you're unhappy with her.
Yeah, i could have dumped her but i still cared about her and believed she could change. She even promised she would. Right now i feel like my patience has ended. She hid the fact that her therapist told her that she can't expect to order me around and forbid/force me to do stuff. Her explanation for that was "i knew that if i tell you that you'll instantly assume that you were right in this regard and never respect my point of view" She did apologize for all these situations i've mentioned, but only after arguing for 4 hours straight. Whenever it's not her way i'm "wanting to have single life" "i respect everybody else except her" "she doesn't mean shit" It's either her way or highway. The more i think about it the more i'm actually blaming myself for believing in that. I'll make a list of every situation she pulled off chronologically and post it here, so you guys can rate if i'm overreacting or not.
Femanon here. I used to be incredibly insecure and paranoid about my bf but with porn/hentai. I'd be constantly asking him if he watched it or if even thinking that he shouldn't be watching these things when he had me to "use" for his sexual satisfaction.
Well, long story short I changed because I did realize how messed up I was. Like your gf, my dad cheated on my mom even when I was a kid and I saw how he would check out other women in front of us and be just so rude to my mom about her body. Men have been horrible to me as well in every single way (emotional, physical and sexual abuse).
Even if you have "reasons" to think a certain way (past trauma and a certain mindset -men cheat so easily-), you need to stop. She's sabotaging the relationship.
My bf kinda gave me an ultimatum. He started feeling indifferent to my feelings/pain and I had to change myself on my own. I did and it took so much of my mental energy, it was exhausting and it took me two years.
I can now see how I was sabotaging my relationship as well. If she cannot gain clarity and see that:
- You are loyal (hopefully you haven't given her reasons to distrust you).
- People have different opinions/life styles: I don't watch hentai like he does, I don't need to masturbate because it's just a natural function. I do it when I am horny, that's it. Everyone lives their life differently.
- She has to respect your individuality and choices in life. You have your girl friends? Keep them. She doesn't want men friends? Okay, she cannot force you to do the same, that's her choice.
- Profecy will most likely to come true if she keeps acting like this: my bf actually was more and more interested in a threesome than before because of how unhappy he was with the relationship. He doesn't know I know this, but he was basically falling out of love with me and I saw a post about it here in Jow Forums.
I really hope she does realize what she is doing.
Thank you for this post. I've been telling her she's sabotaging everything. I never gave her a reason to distrust me. I'm very loyal and since somebody cheated on me in the past, i wouldn't even dare to do something so horrible to somebody else. I too gave her ultimatum a month ago, but now she just doesn't follow what we agreed on. She said she "won't forbid me from meeting my friends, but she will show her displeasement and will signal that i'm not giving a damn about her opinion" I do have to agree that i'm thinking about getting out of it pretty much every day, i feel suffocated, not respected and more and more i wonder how life would be if i was with somebody else. I feel like i've stopped being who i am, and whenever i want to be myself again i have to fight for it.
Your feelings towards that are completely understandable. She's pushing your patience and it's getting to be too much for you. She still has to understand that yeah, she is doing better with actively not forbidding you to go but her mindset and attitude towards it are not healthy (for both the relationship and herself). She needs to let go of all that, she would feel way better, I do feel free of all my fears and paranoia and life is so much better.
Relationships should be a break from everyday life, the peace and calm (kinda). If it's draining and unhealthy, what's the point of dating.
It's funny because I am in his position now. He's so insecure now because I stopped being as "loving" as I used to br because I realized my self-worth and I saw how rude he is to me sometimes. I don't think it'll turn that way for you, you seem nice and aware of your gfs feelings (even though you're exhausted now). My bf has just been really disrespectful towards me unfairly. Long story short, gaslighting tendencies and all that good stuff.
Making it obvious that she is displeased seems to also be kinda manipulative. Okay, I get the "being honest about my feelings" part but it also seems like "look how mad I am? hope you realize how displeased I am and you won't do it. If you do, you're an insensitive man and you don't care about me." Doesn't sound too good to me. I bet if you say she's showing manipulative tendencies she'd be super mad.
Everything is true in what you said. Whenever i say she tries to manipulate and get her way she flips her shit. I am too tired for this, i feel it's a lost cause and i should move on. Like, im pretty much waiting to build strength to get in my car, drive there and pack my things.
My bf never believed I could change since my fears/paranoia had been there since pretty much ever. It took so much of my will, effort and strength to get over it you can't even imagine. I failed many times, I broke down a lot, I hit rock bottom half a year ago when I started drinking every night to forget about my thoughts and sleep well.
Those months were horrible and I got out of it alone. He wasn't there for me anymore, he just expected me to stay the same because that was what he was used to, he was indifferent to it.
I'd say, if you can't even feel indifferent to it, leave her. If it's too draining, too painful, leave it. If you think it's a flaw you can live with, she may actually change in the future. If not, there's a really big risk that it won't and both of you will be suffering in a relationship that doesn't make anyone happy and/or mentally stable.
Maybe actually being away from her for a while will give you perspective. It feels better to be away from my bf now which is not a good sign but I think you need mental relief.
I’m a lad, and I have to agree with your gf desu.
I’m sure you would not be happy if she was meeting up with male friends alone
I think the problem is not what she's mad about but how she is acting towards it. Of course we would probably feel a little jealous or scared but we can't go acting like that. My bf has voiced his feeling about me having male friends (even though I don't anymore) and how he gets a little jealous but he never told me to just cut ties with them and all those things.
I think her reaction is valid. She probably really loves him and sees him as the most attractive guy in the world. She may not even be worried about him so much, but maybe she’s worried about the girls trying to steal him.
Oops sorry, I meant:
If someone can steal your partner* that easily they weren't in love with you to begin with or they just have no morals or self-control. End of the story.
Her reasons are not valid. What you're saying is bascially "i am not able to trust somebody" wrapped around in pretty words. I would not terrorize her and manipulate her to do what i want her to do, especially if it would make her miserable.
Completely agree. It's all on her, he is not a fuccboi who does flirt with everyone. She needs to work on herself, if it was a guy I'd say the same thing.
Nobody deserves to feel miserable in a relationship in any way and we all need to work in our mental health as well.