Am I an asshole?

I've spent the majority of my adult life avoiding my relatives. I have reasons. Some of them miss me a lot and I haven't really seen them in years.

I'm not trying to go out of my way to see them. Not until some things have changed, in the meantime, I want to live my life alone, and I want them to live their lives.

Am I an asshole?

Pic related is a text from my mom about my grandpa's wife (step grandma?) missing me. I've seen here once in the past 5 years and that was 2 years ago now. I don't feel bad, my presence won't really positively effect her life, pretty much all of my relatives are literally better off without me right now.

Again, am I an asshole?

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Yeah I guess you're a bit of an arsehole. If they weren't reaching out then I think you'd be fine. Would it take a lot of effort to drop in for a cup of tea with her?

A little effort.
+1hr drive and I'd have to miss work for at least 4 hours.

Even if I did visit them, then what? I don't really have anything going on, it feels like I'm a decoration in the room. There's nothing for me to talk about, I don't have any interests in common- it's like I just show up
>Hi nice to see you hello
>Sits in 1800s chair in living room area with no TV
>Yes hello hi I am here
>Yes hi hello it is me
>I am here

I think you legit have autism.

Send them a letter or some shit
I hate most of my family too but I still make appeances and put up with their Bs

I fucking might.
I know I don't like eye contact.

I don't blame you
I see or talk to my good relatives at least once a week
my degenerate relatives who do drugs I never talk to
but don't be a dick for no reason and ghost your whole family that's degenerate

There's nothing wrong with my family like that, if anything it's reverse, I'M the one with problems, I've done so much and so many drugs, I'm doing better now but it doesn't change the past, I'm definitely a little slow mentally now, it takes me a minute to crank out a complete sentence IRL. They have their lives with their careers etc etc. I'm nothing to be proud of. I've spent most of my life fucking around, no god damn shit, I've always avoided productive things ever since I was a kid.

Maybe if one day if I become an ordinary hard working god fearing regularnigger, then sure I'll show up and talk about finances and my lawn or whatever the fuck they talk about.

It's kind of a pitty that I don't think you can into small talk with them at least. Asking about recent events and such like that, I mean I understand that they're estranged. Usually they just want to keep up with how you are doing.

It's difficult. Recent events? Politics might get brought up. Keep up with my life? I have no life to talk about, I spend my time partying and all my life effort I spend on prolonging my ability to party.

I'm not good at talking with anyone though. Even with people I consider friends there's a lot of really really awkward moments.

I know I like to be myself, and I can't do that around family.

So you're self-isolating as an act of punishment for yourself? Because you think that your family are better off without you?
I think they're reaching out because they want you to know that they care about you even if you have problems.
I'm all for cutting people out of your life who are bad for you, but that doesn't seem the be the case here.

I think that may warrant a therapy session if you do have difficulties speaking to others in a general sense as opposed to it being just family. It could be that there is something you're not seeing and they can help.

I'm not sure what to tell you.

Maybe, but it's also possible that it's brain damage related. A lot of it is I have these micro vocabulary blackouts often and a word I know will just be gone when I need it. And my ability to use sentence structure is awful. I mean look at my posts, this is typing. I sound learning disabled when I speak.

I appreciate you responding, regardless.

I just want to put out the idea for you to think about: Maybe your family thinks you're alright to be around even if you're awkward, even if you have problems, even if you're partying. Maybe they still love you and would enjoy seeing you, even if you're not a good conversationalist. Maybe you can still have them in your life even before you make those changes you promised yourself you'd make. Perhaps reaching out for the support of people who care about you will help you make those changes.

Depends on the reasons. I'm in the same situation. When i'll move out i'll cut 90% of my relatives and i wont feel a bit of shame.
Need to be sound reasons though, not just 'they're old im too edgy' or something, some of them might love you for real and have done good things for you but you didnt realize it.
Either way if something needs change you dont need to feel guilt for it, change is normal

Let me explain further with a hypothetical interaction with my mom
>A very pretty colorful bird flies by out of nowhere
>We both see it
>She reacts like a normal person
>Me "Whoaaaaa duuuudeeee hahahahaha"
>Begins to squint from smiling
>Mother looks at me angerly
>WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!
>WHAT ARE YOU ON?!
>WE'RE LEAVING LETS GO. YOU DISGUST ME
Even if I'm fucking sober.
>inb4 well don't act like a dude weed
I'm just a fumbling fucking idiot, my core self is not far from dude weed. I seem like I'm on drugs when I'm not. I can't enjoy euphoric things around my family it's like their tastes are just different.

Ok so we went camping one year and they all had there chairs by the creek bed for chillin. I put my chair in the creek because it's hot as fuck and the water felt awesome on my feet, several things about that experience felt awesome.
They all just looked at me like "ugh he must be high"
I can't genuinely enjoy life around them. I have to fake SO much shit.

Is anyone else a completely different person around their relatives? I don't even go by the same fucking name my relatives call me, it's seriously like a character for me to play.

You've got a head injury? Are you seeing a doctor? If it's an imbalance those can sometimes be corrected. Please try to get better and work with yourself, ok?

I've pondered that, not the case in my family. There's certain requirements or you're unacceptable. I can't actively enjoy music with my mom or she'll get upset. You have to behave a certain way.

Nah I've just done too many drugs in the past. From October to December I did an estimated amount of at least 1000 whippits, I don't think I'll ever fully bounce back from it.

Just so you know, this is called Anomic Aphasia, or Anomia, or Dysnomia. The symptom you're referring to is difficulty in word retrieval.

I relate a lot to this. It's part of the reason why I don't like to drink/get high around new friends, because I don't want them to think I'm more intoxicated than I am. I wouldn't say to change that, people like us fully experience the joy of the world.
Sounds like your mom seriously needs to go to Nar-user, haha, her freaking out so much about whether you're high or not.

Whether you see your family or not is up to you. If you don't see them because you don't like their reactions and judgment, then that's valid.

Drug induced brain damage is still brain damage.

I'm not going to say it like its a head injury.
My problems are my own fault, I want nor deserve no pity.

Yeah, that shit messes with my life on a huge level, makes me not want to talk to people.

One thing I learned on LSD is that life itself is a trip. Reacting joyfully to colors, pretty sounds, pleasant tactile sensations, etc that shouldn't be frowned upon because that IS enjoying life for what it is, ESPECIALLY if you're sober.
They live life like they're on display in a museum it's really strange to me.

I just replied to the same post with two different tags.
This. This is why I don't go outside.

For now I'm just going to take all this as
>You're a stupid asshole, user.

Please find help, OP. Your situation can be improved. Find some self help books at barnes and noble.

Same. I can only make eye contact for a few seconds and when i talk i stare in the distance after a while. I feel like if i look someone in the eye it comes over as me being intimidating.

Treatment isn't done out of pity. You deserve help, user. You don't have to go through this all by yourself. Your family isn't very supportive, but maybe you can find support elsewhere? Therapy, Narcotics Anonymous, counselling at a drug rehab?

Yeah, same. I take eye contact as aggression, if I'm looking you in the eyes I'm being direct to the point that I want my words to pierce your brain

Don't cry for me I'm already dead.

I've been through drug treatment, I have all the technology. It's the future that you change, you can't change the past.

>I've been through drug treatment, I have all the technology. It's the future that you change, you can't change the past.
I'm not talking about just the motions of treatment, I'm talking about human connection. The value of talking to people who can relate to what you're going through, and who accept you for who you are, who will join you in your endearment over a bird.

I don't like recovery people.

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Currently in my life I'm really enjoying being alone. I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want to see my relatives. I just really really really really like being by myself. It's so nice.