My now ex-fiancee, who always motivated me (to a nearly obsessive degree) to better myself always...

Look at a university for an undergraduate or ask the psych professors if they know anyone who just opened a practice. New therapists are very affordable, they're eager to help, and they have the latest knowledge that seasoned expensive ones may not have.

I seriously don't understand why do you have to be so aggressive about this dude, don't you think I've looked up what my insurance plan covers and what kind of psychological help can I get with it? I've looked everywhere. The best I could find after months looking was this old guy who's a radiologist, but also prescribes me benzos after a 5-minute checkup. Everything that's public healthcare is only available in 5-6 months, and all private clinics charge an amount that's absolutely impossible for me to afford.
Also I've gotten some interesting advice/reality checks from Jow Forums over the years, so it's always worth the shot.

Tried that. My city has one of the largest universities in the country but not a single fucking course related to psychology or therapy. I legitimately thought it was a joke at first, but it turns out that even during residency they still charge a hefty amount.

Let me put it like this: I AM BROKE. Maybe that's why my girl left me, I don't know.

because you're being a whiny faggot posting this whole thing multiple times?? no one wants to baby you. this is my reality check for you.

stop making excuses. you have no plan currently besides whining, and that's not doing you any good.

5-6 months is long but you can wait for that. it should be enough for you to save up something. ask about sliding scale. go to a fucking church even if you don't believe in it. look for free support groups. stop taking benzos.
if your hobbies are worth more to you than your mental health, then i can't help you.

I'm currently talking to a friend who is also very outraged at her decisions and is trying to slowly talk some sense into her. But in all honesty, you're right, I should just do NC and focus on my own shit. But I'm afraid of her realizing her mistake once her depression is gone, looking back for me, and I turned my back on her.

Alright man, if you see this shit as "babying me", go eat a fucking dick, nobody is forcing you to post in this fucking thread, me least of all people. "Oh boo hoo hoo, someone reposted a thread!", what a reason to get this riled up -- maybe it's you who should be seeing a psychologist.

i always sound riled up, this is how i destress.
stop being a pussy about being called a faggot on Jow Forums
weak argument, really. you should read all your posts and then come back with a 'you who should be seeing a psychologist'
please continue posting here in the future, your soap opera is entertaining

Look dude, I know you're not here out to get me and I certainly don't take offense to being called a faggot or whatever else, but I don't know why you're so adamant to believe that I can't really get any professional help. Also, I think you've outlined the reason why we can't understand each other:
>if your hobbies are worth more to you than your mental health, then i can't help you.

My hobbies ARE my mental health, the people I meet there have become my friends when I had next to none, it gives me something to focus on after training is over, it held me together for a very long time. Can you honestly tell me a psychologist is just gonna give me a recipe to stop these feelings of inadequacy that would justify leaving all those people behind? It's a risky gamble you're asking me to take here.

How long ago was this user? My ex-wife left me after we'd been together 11 years and it was the hardest time of my life. It took me 2-3 years to really get back to normal. It sucks man, but the grip an ex-lover has on you really does lessen over time. You'll be better for it once everything is back to normal.

Pretty recent - we got engaged in December, she left me in the first days of March. I know it's going to hit hard, but as I said, seems like the more I try to distance myself from her shitty life-style, the more it seems like I'm just pretending to be better while deep down I know I just want her back more than anything.
Also I'm really fucking sorry to hear about your ex-wife man, that is absolutely fucked up, I'm glad you got back up on your feet eventually.

god damn dude there doesn't exist a fuckin recipe to stop your feelings of inadequacy. unless you wanna sunshine the spotless out of your mind by kys. talking on Jow Forums won't help with that kind of shit.
you should see a psychologist so you can vent about this fucking shit to someone who can validate your feelings and help you find healthier ways to deal with it than benzos.
i hope you don't try that with your friends because thats the best way to alienate them.
i also don't know why you can't just go to your hobbies a little less instead of completely abandoning it. and use that money to save for some other help. go to food pantries, stop eating out, just save. i mean maybe your hobbies will end up helping you in the long run but who knows what will happen.
i know i sound real fuckin hostile but i talk to everyone like this so don't take it personally.

Nah man, she made her decision, even if it was clouded by depression. Don't feel like you're turning your back on her when she is the one who left. Don't get jaded either but realize she made a decision.

You're doing great by focusing on yourself and (presumably) going no contact. If in time she wants to seek you out, so be it and cross that bridge then, but keep going forward in improving yourself.

I was in a similar situation last year, my girl of 5 years left citing depression too and I was heart broken. I did like you did and improved my lifr, lost a bunch of weight, got a good job and focused on going to church more. It helped me tons.

You don't have to apologize for the hostility as I've been here for longer than I'd like to admit and it's nothing that bothers me. I'm not really looking for "venting", there's nothing that I need to get out of my chest or put out, my fiancee has left me for some piece of shit, so what do I do? Get out there and make yourself a better person to attract better people and life moves on. I don't even bother my friends or anyone else with it because the line forward is (at least so I thought) obvious enough that I thought I had it in the bag.
I can't stop going to hobbies because they charge monthly, and I already had to ask favors to buy the gear necessary to practice them, otherwise I wouldn't even have my kimono. Of course, clonazepam is very cheap and it helps, but honestly? Recently I've been phasing out of a state of anxiety and sinking into depression for the first time in years, so I don't even bother taking them anymore. I'm getting to the point where all the self-improvement spiel is starting to feel so stupid that I've lost my appetite and go one or two days drinking only water. I'm aware of how pathetic that is, but I can't help not feeling hungry at all.
As you said, I hope(d) my hobbies would hold me together but maybe you have a point. If I reach the point of suicide (which might be coming sooner than what I thought), I'll probably just sell my kimono, say goodbye to my sensei and classmates, and throw myself away into a mental clinic (I'm not being sarcastic).

I've failed NC since I have that common friend (who she listens to adamantly) who also happens to fucking hate her current boyfriend's guts, and swore on his life he'd do everything he could to fix the mistake. I've cut her out of my life as much as possible, but nowhere near enough and I still e-stalk her all of the goddamn time.

I shouldn't have to explain the problem of dealing with someone with depression for you too much, then. It's fucking heartbroken when they have an episode of it, say a bunch of mean shit, threaten to break up, make impossible demands, unleash hell all over. But then once you can see it in their eyes that whatever was going on inside their heads is gone, they just cry and apologize short of kissing your feet -- I felt horrible to see her in that state. It gave me a purpose to put myself in a good position so I could support her whenever she was unable to motivate and support me.

As you said, she made her own decision and still seems to be doing OK away from me after nearly two months now. Maybe that's what also hurts the most, knowing she's traded me for some loser who can validates her worst instincts, and is absolutely uninterested in looking back. It's just too sad.

As much as I understand why you e-stalk her, you gotta stop. Pinch yourself everytime you wanna check her FB or see if shes on instagram.

Stop caring about her. Shes gonna fail on her terms, and you'll come out the better man. She traded you, the best she could've had, for someone shitty. Dont let that hurt you, let the invigorate you. She made the mistake, not you, and shes not worth the love and energy you clearly have to offer. She msy come crawling back, but always remember that she chose shit over you, and its not something to go back to, mistake or not.

what do you want op? have you asked yourself that and managed to think all the way through the pain to arrive at an answer?

Reflexively, I'd say "I want her back", but that's not really it. I mean, she was a very nice girl and we really got along, the sex was mind-blowing, but she was rough to be with thanks to her traumas and depressive behavior. I guess the point is that I just hate living my life alone or surrounded by people who I can't really connect with. It just sucks to accomplish things and have nobody who cares. Sure it might make me a "better" person, but that's not enough for me, especially when the only person who used to care now gives zero fucks at all. I like being a boyfriend, I'm okay at it.

I put out lit matchsticks on my left arm every time I would be e-stalking her. Now my arm looks like I have some weird disease. Then I started hitting myself on the face, then legs, then shoulders, but then every time I took my kimono off during training, I would be covered in fucking bruises. Pinching isn't enough to stop the horrible need to know what she's up to.

Will she fail without me? Possibly. Will the relationship with this dude go anywhere? Absofuckinglutely not. But none of these things make me feel good. She's a good girl, just got a really shitty hand in life. She always said she's waited a decade for a guy like me, that she'd given up on love before, that she never thought about children but now she wanted a soccer team's worth. Nothing about knowing she's failed or is suffering brings me any joy, much the contrary. All I know is that a person who's bound by reasons beyond her control to make bad decisions has destroyed herself further, and I couldn't do anything about it.

She did you a huge favor by bailing before you got married--can you imagine how much worse it would've been if she just waited a few months to take half your shit, and THEN hooked up with some loser?

She replaced you with a worthless goober, while your self-improvement has made it that much easier to get someone who isn't a faithless wreck.

I understand user, theres nothing more heartwrenching then not knowing what the person you love is up to, keeping tabs, etc. But you need to get into the habit of pinching yourself, not punching, not burning, but a pinch and then you close your phone. Its done wonders for me.

>Will she fail without me? Possibly. Will the relationship with this dude go anywhere? Absofuckinglutely not. But none of these things make me feel good.
They aren't meant to make you feel good, man. And you need to drill this into your head.

She is not you're responsibility. She never was, she never will be.

Her choices are her own, and this was a choice she made. Just because she's got a shitty hand in life doesn't excuse the heartbreak she's putting you through. She's a bitch who decided to ditch you when shit got rough and ran to a new guy. She told you all those nice things, but those don;t matter anymore. Her decisions are magnitude 10 earthquakes compared to her words. You'll feel so much better not knowing in the end, my friend.

So take my word, stay off social media. Block her if you feel that you can't resist the urge. Delete instagram, facebook, do everything and anything to remove her from your mind. Change wallpapers, change your room around, change her contact name. You are making this longer than it needs to be. While theres an option of a second chance, she needs to prove it, and for that to happen, you need to step away from her.

I really, really, really fucking wish I could just internalize this already. I want you to know what I agree with you that your logic is flawless, she probably would've made my life not only "boo hoo hoo I miss my ex" but "time to lawyer up and be 200k in debt", and the loser would've gotten some of it. I just had big hopes I could be the one to help this broken as fuck girl set herself free from this cycle of misery and give her something she could trust on.

But in the end I know you're right. Even mentally sane women are pulling this same stunt more and more often anyway, it seems I have to adapt my expectations to the era we live in.

I PROMISE you I will do this as soon as I'm able to. Every day I try to take another step. Putting her things away. Focusing on being away from my phone. Talking to other girls. But as I'm sure you know, it's a process which I don't have to elaborate on since I know you've also experienced it first-hand. I will try the pinching to the best I can.

We've all been through it. I'm not even over my own situation right now, but baby steps help everyday. You cant stay inside moping and hoping that you're perfect woman will come back to you.

Because lets face it, we love to romanticize our exes when we're heartbroken, because its how our brains cop. We wanna focus on the good things so that we can get back to the way things were, but thats not the healthy thing to do.

My ex broke up with me after giving her a second chance, and even though she's called me in the past week crying and telling me that she loves me, recently shes been cutting contact, keeping conversations short. And as much as it hurts, and I just wanna talk and love her, thats my cue to step away. Women need their space and hate clingy partners, especially exes.

You don't need to feel better right away, its a process my friend. But everyday will get better. And if she comes back, you'll be ready, but for now, you need to back off and focus on you, because right now you're drowning yourself.

Your ex girlfriend makes choices every day and she chooses weakness completely on her own. Stop making excuses for her and find someone better. You'll look back and see how foolish you were to spend so much energy on this girl who didn't appreciate you.

Christ man, that's fucking rough. I can assure you I'm not moping around inside waiting for the girl of my dreams to come (reminder to the original motive to this thread), but it's hard to let go, especially when as you said, during these moments we only remember the good times and how perfect everything was, when I know for a fact it wasn't. I'll continue to do my best to achieve not only No Contact, but also no e-stalking.

That's all you can really do, friend. Its gonna be okay. You know what you want, and thats better than most people. Hell, as a girl myself, its strange for me to know exactly what I want, while most girls are fickle, and a product of their enviornement. Find a girl who is already complete, someone you don't need to save, and thats the girl you should marry.

>Find a girl who is already complete, someone you don't need to save, and thats the girl you should marry.

That one is gonna be fucking hard. I'm attracted to these "damaged, save me daddy" types like a moth to a fucking flame. Growing up as an older brother sort of built that around my identity. I think I've made this clear enough at this point but it felt better than anything when I could be her pillar to hold on to, and then she'd encourage me to become only stronger for the both of us -- it made me feel needed, made me feel like I was providing, no matter how tough.

As you should know better than I do, most girls out there are very independent and accomplished, it might sound ironic but for the most part nowadays they don't really NEED a man anymore. As much as I wouldn't call myself a feminist, I don't mind that and I certainly wouldn't want to date a doormat who just does as she's told. But fucking hell, I wanted a family, I wanted to create a home -- and much like you (not that I mean the following personally), she would say she knew what she wanted, and that something was to be a homemaker and take care of the kids herself, while I worked hard and provided.

It's just amazing how hard people can fuck up your feelings with the simplest words and promises. Jesus fucking Christ.

Its actually a fallacy. Most girls portray a facade of "i dont need no man" but in reality, they crave intimacy and connections, both emotionally and physically just like men. And I get where you are coming from, you and I are nuturing and sefless by nature, generous souls, and thats great, but you cant let someone broken abuse you. Shitty people cling to those who will support them, and leave them broken when they don't feel like everything is perfect.
> But fucking hell, I wanted a family, I wanted to create a home
And you will eventually. You have a clear goal in mind, and thats amazing. Time is on your side. Don't get hung up on a girl who clearly has no idea what she wants, considering how hard she flipped on her ideals. People will see the good in you, you're good intentions and you'll find someone who will fufill you and you'll fufill them, but you cant be looking to someone who needs to be fixed or saved by others, because in reality, the only people that can save us, is ourselves.

It truly is amazing how much our emotions and others can destroy us. Heartbreak is the equivalent to a heroin addict having withdrawl symptoms, and its such a shitty thing, knowing you can love someone so much, and yet they poison you.

Yeah dude. Lots of girls will tell the people around them what they think they want to hear. They'll have completely different opinions depending on who's around because they want to please people, regardless of truth and integrity. Last girl I dated was like that and it was ROUGH finding out her actual feelings about her ex.

I truly hope you're right. I've put nothing but hard work on my relationships so far, and the last two break-ups happened exactly the same way
> Everything just fine, I love you, you're everything to me
> Within two weeks, suddenly talks about relationship being unsatisfying, thinking about things, etc
> Bam, breakup
> Not even a month after, while I'm still lying on the ground after what happened, they were already bouncing on some other dude's dick

I'm honestly not so sure my goals will be realized, because times have changed. At this point the best I can do is to continue to work on myself and hold my shit together, but I just ask myself every day, "why? why bother? that guy did none of this and he got the girl I wanted and worked so hard for". It all just feels so meaningless. Yeah, I definitely was too focused on work, but that was because I needed to cram hard for an incoming interview. Yeah, I didn't listen to her feelings as much as she needed during her depressive episode like that other guy did. But fucking hell, it feels like you can't make a single slip and it's see ya later.

It is as you said. We're the kind of people who prefer to nurture selflessly, and that just makes us into big targets for people like my ex. I truly gave that woman everything I could, and now I can't even find happiness on the things I used to enjoy thanks to her being everywhere.

just find a girl who is /fit

You don't need a big tiddy goth gf

Yeah, fake it till you make it.

Same thing happened to me, and it’s just a risk you take in relationships. That doesn’t mean give up hope though. You were not the problem, and your ex hopping on someone else’s dick doesn’t mean the guy is better than you, it means she’s needy and trying to fill the void. Chances are, she’ll do to him what she did to you, and be grateful you dodged a bullet and a divorce.

Enjoy yourself. Revenge is always served cold, and the best revenge is the cold shoulder and living your best life, because she’ll see that you are better without her.

You are taking blame and looking inward when the problem was her. She broke off with you, she chose a lesser man than you. You gave her the best you could have, and if that wasn’t enough for her, just because you were hitting rough times, then fuck her.

I'm not really making it. In fact the harder I fake it, the harder I slip into actual bona-fide depression.

> I took upon her challenge to improve myself to be worthy of a woman who in the end discarded me for some dude who gives no fucks about anything, and I do not know what to do.

Here is the core of your problem user. You've desired to change yourself for someone else and your actions so far have been guided by this desire. No amount of accomplishment will fulfill you until you work on this way of thinking and for that I suggest either finding a therapist or doing the mental work yourself to change your mindset.

Nothing you're doing is wrong or unhealthy but your mentality is. No advice from this imageboard is going to validate you or help. I highly suggest going cold turkey on any contact/social media or any updates on this girls life. A breakup is just that, a return to separate individuals and you have to learn to be on your own again, selfish for a while before the next one.

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Seek therapy, Journal your feelings instead of self harming, spend time with friends or make some friends, take up some thing FUN , you need fun. And learn to swing dance. Taking swing dance lessons was a great way to socialise after I got dumped after 11yrs.

Keep improving but really,Journal , socialize ,stay fit, if you go to school they typically have free counselors

I've been through a break up before, 5 year long relationship, suffered much worse than this one (only difference was that my ex really cared about helping me improve), and I've discovered something about myself that might be very difficult to change at 28 years of age: I like being around people. Most of my work involves sitting in front of a screen, and God knows that years of living like a literal, actual shut-in taught me the value of being around the company of others. I've already spent years alone, enjoying myself with movies, anime, games, books, you name it, I had the time of my life. But eventually all that became hollow, it all became pointless once I realize how it all meant so much more once you had someone to share it with - it felt meaningful, truly.

So yeah, not gonna disagree on the whole going NC cold-turkey which is what I should be doing, but I can't be living like back in the old days, doing everything on my own and pretending I'm having a good time. I know it's just not going to happen.

I'm definitely not suggesting you isolate yourself but I can see how you might get that from what I posted. A support network is an invaluable thing to have especially in times like these. What I mean user is..and as harsh as it may sound, she's no longer your problem. By being selfish I'm suggesting things like, spending more time with friends and family, doing hobbies and adjusting to not having her in your life period at this time. Maybe in the future when your feelings have died down you can revisit a friendship if the wind blows that way.

You need time to process and heal from this and establish a healthier mindset before sharing yourself with someone romantically, is what I meant by being on your own again.

You'll make it mutherfucker. You already got step one of two. Some philosophical bastard instructs us to go through the motions of shit we don't believe until we start to believe in it. Obviously, YOU don't really need a bitch to make a better you. Sooner pr later, you'll run into one. You love the idea of your ex. You don't really love her so much. Why would you love someone who would rather be miserable with a miserable bozo? Proving my point that you are currently doing the inverse of what I am suggesting and it works both ways. You believe some nonsense that you are unhappy about the situation when you should be more unhappy if you were still with that subhuman. We are all a product of brainwashing. Choose your own detergent.

im not a pyschologist but do you think dating other girls might help you take your mind off her? i got kinda bummed out by some guys that i met online before but as soon as i started finding new guys i started to get that hope back again that maybe i just hadn't found 'the one' yet and he was out there somewhere waiting for me.

it's because the source of your motivation is this girl
She's not your girl anymore
And you don't need her btw
She could die tomorrow and so could you
Live.

well here is the thing. You were too depressing for her to deal with, you kept pushing on the depression that it sounds any efforts for her to make sure you follow through seemed obsessive to you when infact she was getting you to something with yourself.
You exhausted her and it's not fair for her to keep up with that pace.
You also are too down on yourself that it's impossible for you to realize you were already worthy of her you just are afraid of failing certain expectations. You really need to realize that you being you already was more than enough just needed to be willing to push harder when the time comes. So I suggest get some therapy and some medication because the feeling you feel isnt going by realizing these simple truths, so it might be a chemical imbalance in your brain brought about years of self deprecating life style.

Turn your vagina down. You ain't making since.

bro, you simply stated you were depressed, but when this chick wanted to help you a part of you was already worthy of her love. You now exhausted her and she couldn't take it anymore how you would not recognize that she like you. So stop thinking you need to prove yourself, and just start living a life, or go to a therapist and get help.