When I was a kid I was raped over and over by a family friend...

I don't think they have a reason to suspect him of anything. They considered him a good guy after all. I really hope they'd understand and believe me, but I still can't feel completely sure. That's what really worries me.

Probably just kill yourself.

Sounds like pent up anger, OP. You need a healthy way to express it. I am not sure if actually telling someone will help, but maybe it will. Take up boxing, hit a large tire with a bat, or hit something repeatedly.

I once told a therapist some, not all. I'd been sent there just because my parents thought I was too anxious. There wasn't much she could say to help, honestly. Just talking about it doesn't do anything.

I haven't really tried working out other than track which I did in high school. But never punching bags or anything. But I do think that would help. I wouldn't want to fight other people though because I worry I'd be too aggressive and not in control of myself.

Definitely do the punching bag! I hope it helps!

Don't do anything your uncomfortable with but I strongly suggest boxing when your ready. It is will be the ultimate challenge to help you conquer your night terrors. You need to fight someone while staying in control and wish to only inflect the necessary amount a pain. If you do lose control, there will be a ref and others to stop you.

That makes sense. I'll see if I ever feel confident enough to do that. Even if I don't it's probably good to try at least once.

Thanks for being so friendly. It really helps.

Good luck, OP

How extreme exactly are these fantasies? Might help to articulate them. They might not even be as weird or uncommon as you believe.

I hate describing them because it makes me feel awful. In my dreams the things I do with my fantasy men get real bad. Cutting him, hitting his chest and stomach with a bat, amputating his fingers, then hands, then forearms with a saw. Bashing his head against the wall. All this while I rape him.

I hate that I have these feelings. I'm aware of just how wrong they are. They just feel impossible to stop.

Yeah, those are pretty extreme. Sorry you have to deal with those thoughts. Have you ever hit anyone? Do you have violent outbursts? If those two things aren't a concern currently, I doubt you would instantly go from being a peaceful guy to an axe murderer in the span of a hookup or a date or whatever. I feel for you, it really sucks what happened to you and the emotional trauma you're dealing with now. Maybe a good first step would be to stop giving these involuntary thoughts so much power over your life, realizing that you're still an innocent person (as far as I know), that thoughts aren't the same as actions. You might not have control over these troubling thoughts, but you do have control over your actions.

Dude, go to therapy, it will help you more than you think.

Asking for help is not a weakness, its a sign of courage.

I have outbursts but I haven't laid a hand on anyone. It's true... I can control what I do. That's my solace. Like I said, the cycle of abuse ends with me. That's enough to get me by.

Thanks. I probably will. I don't know what good it will do, but I'll try.

>I don't want to become a sicko too and continue the cycle.

This may not give you much comfort, but that IS a common cycle - that is, your response is very typical of victims of violent abuse.

The comfort to take is double. First, you are not uniquely crazy or depraved - in an odd way you are responding sanely to an insane situation.

And second, because you are not unique, therapists have a lot of experience helping men like you.

Get psychological help. It can be made better

Thanks. While it's true I'm not unique, I still have a big problem. One way or another I want to make it better. I think therapy is definitely worth a shot.

>I read fiction about this
You are sick in the head in more ways than one. Why are you indulging these urges? Reading de Sade will only make you crazier. Get therapy ASAP.

And just so you know, everything you ever post on Jow Forums goes into the NSA database. So if you ever act on your urges - they will know who to look for. Do you know what they do to chomo's in prison?

I will never, ever act on my urges. I know that much. No matter what I have to do to ensure that, I will. Even if it means becoming a recluse. I'm not worried about being "found out" because I've committed no crimes and never plan to. Also, I'm not into children. For what it's worth, I only have these thoughts about full-grown men.

I indulge them because they're in my head so often that they're really, really hard to ignore. And when something is constantly tempting you, it's almost impossible to resist.

If thinking about this stuff helps you get by, it helps you get by. It's ok to think about it as long as you don't do it. Physical actions are problems, but thoughts aren't. It's not hurting anyone.

>For whatever reason, maybe related maybe not, I turned out being gay
I think we all know it's related.

Yeah it almost definitely is.

To be clear, though, I did not enjoy the molestation. Not at all.

I'm sorry to read about what happened, and hugely admire your determination not to perpetuate the cycle of violence. I'd simply recommend seeking professional help and, if your therapist recommends it, telling your parents what happened and getting this "family friend" put away.

You aint going to become a sicko. It is kinda sad that you have a feeling towards men in general when most of them wouldn't want to hurt you. But you feel how you feel. People think sick shit all the time. That doesn't make you sick. Acting on your thoughts is another matter. Im not sure if any of us can really be anything other than what we are. Monsters included.

Thanks. And, it's funny, it's not that I hate men in general. It doesn't really make any sense to me how I could feel no real anger towards men as a whole and yet want to do these awful things so badly, but I guess there's no real answer. I have to deal with what I've got.

There are clinical psychologist and licensed therapists who are trained to help people in your situation.

Your situation is unfortunately not unheard of, But it will be a lot easier to deal with if you have a support system.

One thing I really hate about my situation is that by talking about it, the inevitable question on everyone's mind will be "What does he mean by torture," and then I'd have to explain and as you saw in they're terrible awful things. That may just be paranoia, but it still eats away at me. I also just don't feel like I can tell anyone other than a therapist. I'm going to see a therapist for sure but I don't know if I can talk about it at all outside of the therapist's office. These things, like I said, are disgustingly bad. No normal person would want to associate with me if I told them the truth.

While I don't have the same experiences as you I did try therapy and it ended horribly for me yet at the same time I think it did help me. Just be aware therapy is not always the right way to overcome your issues and drugs especially are something to be cautious of. I did have trauma in my childhood too what helped me is acknowledging it wasn't my fault. Really try to accept that you aren't to blame for it. It also did help me to understand that I also have evil in me, for me it manifested in lucid dreams that was how I really realized it is a force in itself. That's really where all this comes from is the evil within our minds and for me learning to appreciate good has been helpful rather than trying to face evil. That doesn't mean you deny the evil which is why you should accept it isn't your fault. Not sure if that was helpful or not but it has been helping me.

It's true. There's evil in me, but I can choose not to let it manifest outside of me. That's essentially my one goal in life, at this point. To do no harm. That might be all I can do.

That's a good goal user. But you don't necessarily have to just fight off the urge to do evil. You can spend time on good things whatever they might be. Appreciate helping someone instead of hurting them for example.

I'd like to. It may just be paranoia, though, but at this point I'm afraid of being around others. Even if I have no weapon and no real way of lashing out, I feel scared just being near other people. I know it's irrational because I've never hurt anyone before and it doesn't make sense that I'd just snap. But it's still hard to overcome the fear.

Whenever I get over that fear - and I'm making it a "when," not an "if," because I can't live my whole life like this - I want to do some good. Whatever it is.

I kind of know what you mean I have had intrusive thoughts as well of a different kind. But I also have had thoughts of saying something really mean in a conversation out of nowhere despite not even believing it. I have thoughts that I will lose control of myself as well not about hurting people as much though but hurting myself. I think it is because there really is a part of your mind that you don't control directly but it can be helpful to remind yourself you do control your actions and those thoughts are just thoughts. It can be helpful to try and observe them come and go like leaves on a stream.

I totally agree and I'm so sorry you had to suffer having thoughts like this as well. It's like a nightmare. I hate every moment of it.

The only issue with ignoring the thoughts is that it's so intrinsically tied to my sexuality that I think about them fairly frequently whether I want to or not. Of course when I make an effort to ignore them they do come up less, but they still do come up. Think of every time in a day you have a thought that's even vaguely sexual, and then replace it with the kind of things I think about. It really is like a nightmare.

But thank you so much for the support. It means more than you know.

You're obviously not going to do the things you think about, so I would consider you completely innocent in my eyes, even a role model. To do something like that must take a lot of will power and morality. You're clearly a good person, so you have no reason to feel guilty. I know you still do, I just wanted to say that you have no reason to. Obviously you should take this piece of shit down. It won't solve your problems but still. I also very highly recommend rigorous exercise. Running and hitting things is the ultimate stress reliever. I've had struggles with thoughts of suicide (nowhere near what you've went through to be fair) and I use exercise as an outlet to let go of my self-hateing thoughts and anger. I feel like shit if I skip a run, and I feel fucking awesome when I don't

Thank you so much. I certainly don't think of myself as a role model at all but it really makes me happy that you do.

Yeah, someone else suggested that as well. It sounds like a great idea, honestly. Running is the best place to start considering where I live, since there's a lot of really good trails around where I'm probably not going to run into anyone else. When I gain enough confidence to feel comfortable around others I'll probably start going to the gym as well. And I'm glad that running helped you so much. I don't care that your thoughts weren't as severe as mine, they were still there, and no one should ever have to feel that kind of way. I'm really glad you feel better now and I hope you never have to face suicidal thoughts again. I know how it feels.

>women who get raped and develop rape play fantasies.

Bullshit. Post hoc ergo propter hoc at best.
People can have rape play fetishes without having been abused at all. I may not be a mental health worker, but I can tell this shit, wherever or however you found it, is steaming lump of horseshit.

Thanks bro, we're going to make it

Look into the books:
The courage to heal
And
The body keeps the score.

And go to therapy.

>It's like a nightmare.
Yeah it definitely is user. Good luck it sounds hard but I believe you will get through it.

One step at a time.

Also, OP speaks of a power fantasy, not a submissive one. People don't use actual rape as a spice, they do it for power. This is a known thing.
My guess is this isn't a real sexual fetish, it's just a pure power-based fantasy OP finds cathartic. Either way, it's not what you say it is.

Don't worry man. It will take time for you to come to terms with yourself. People will realize that the fact you have made a massive effort to improve yourself is a noble effort. You don't deserve this and it wasn't your fault. If you want to, you will come out of this a better person.

>The Body Keeps the Score
Oh fuck I actually was recommended this book in a stress management class.
These might be legit self-help books for a change (granted, I've personally found that recommendations from psych teachers that go beyond just counselling, communication, etc, are a bit iffy so I don't know...)

I mostly agree that it's power. That's definitely where it came from, at least. But it is, to an extent, erotic to me. I hate admitting that because it makes me feel so fucked up, but it's true. And I don't really think about actual sex, ever. So I really don't know what to think sometimes.

The fact that people are defending OP is insane. He may not be a pedo, but as far as I'm concerned, it's still one bullet, one cure.

The OP has violent fantasies, you think that's unusual? You gonna kill 3/4 of the world? Ya big Silly Sally.

Christ, user! You think you should judge someone based on their uncontrollable dreams and call them a monster? Everyone has dreams that scare them and makes them wish them never dreamed them in the first place. I bet you have had dreams that confused/scared you.

From the perspective of my own issues (candaulism btw), I think there should be a way to constructively express how you feel. Maybe think about what specific things appeal to you the most about the scenario and re-create it inside a controlled environment. Also, maintaining a balance between full arousal (dopamine overdose and it becomes as addicting as coffee) and extremely low arousal (you'll obsess about going full every second of the day until it happens)

And truthfully, I don't hold a grudge for things like this as long as there is no actual harm to a real living person.

Tell your parents in detail, time or date if possible
They were never your family if they don't believe you at this point

Harsh since they took care of you but a drugged orphan gets food at the table as well.

>I was raped
>I'm a virgin

I mean otherwise. I don't think of that as sex. I think of it as molestation.

Seek out a therapist youre comfortable with. Youre already better than your rapist by acknowledging these are bad and toxic fantasies and that you have no desire to act on them.

Thanks. One of my main goals in life is to be better than him. I'm glad I've succeeded.