Suicide

I want to mention I'm restarting learning and aiming for Japanese N5 certification at the moment too. Learning on my own and seeking professional help for learning it, though there is nothing local.
Also trying to fit in therapy bi-weekly or weekly.
Also preparing to volunteer this Monday.
I'm doing everything I can to improve myself, but I don't care about improving myself anymore. I want to have somebody I care about. Fuck is this really just because I want someone to love, and to love me?

A long-standing issue with me is that I don't think I'm loveable. I think I bring down everyone around me in the long term. I'm stubborn with my issues and I know how to solve them, and I just want emotional support. But every time I've talked about my problems to someone I cared about, it's just made things worse. And it makes them in a worse place too. It doesn't matter how much support I give, I just inevitably bring them down to the horrible place I always return to when I get back to my own dark times.

I'm just hopelessly alone, and failing at everything despite working hard at everything all the time.

>a novel life
I also want this, but I cannot have it despite my best efforts. You're absolutely right about happiness always fleeting, and the point I'm making is that happiness does come eventually sure, but the lows far outweigh the highs in the long run to the point of it not being worth it.
At most a couple hours of stress and sadness, then killing yourself to never experience constant waterfall of shit, sounds like it's worth it. Nobody loves me, and I shouldn't love anyone either, so nothing is lost anyways.
>novelty
Unfortunately the novelty of life is wearing off on me quickly. I am however trying to move my life in interesting directions by moving out and getting a new job. In fact I'm interviewing for a world-class company on the other side of the world now, but this just seems like deja-vu from and I think I'll eventually get back here again even if I do get happy again. And these feelings I've had lately far outweighs the happiest feelings I've ever felt.

I'm happy to talk about it and I'm always glad to hear perspectives. What you say does make sense, but I'm just beginning to think that life is just something I do not enjoy.

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I got you brother, I felt the same way about some things so I’m gonna give you some of my story too.

Basically I missed the last 3 years of Highschool because my parents decided to homeschool me and that was just when people were starting to like me. I also didn’t have a phone of my own till this past year so I understand where you are coming from if you feel like a burden to others, but I’ve heard from plenty of places that a problem shared is a problem halved.

Anyways, in the first year of homeschool my grades tanked and I gained about 40 pounds dude. I realized that I was only competing against myself and still losing and I felt like shit and had no clue what to do. One advantage that I had was that I was young (and luckily I still am) but it did t make me feel any better being young. I never had a gf so I decided I was going to lose some weight and just cut soda and run everyday. Let me tell you it worked for me, but it wasn’t the actual weight loss that inspired me. It was after the first couple of months when I realized “hey man I gotta use an extra notch on my belt”

Going back to you man when you say that you feel like you can’t be loved don’t get caught up in that. When people give dating advice they say “be yourself” and they think that being true to one’s self is an attractive quality, and while it is, that’s not how it applies. The point of being yourself is that if they don’t like you for who you are, then they aren’t worth your time bro

That working hard at everything all the time is a lot more than can be said for others who want to end it all too. I’m glad that you’re putting in effort but let’s focus on your hobbies dude. What do you enjoy?
As for me I’ve picked up playing guitar in an attempt to help pick up other chicks, but so far I’ve only ever been able to pick up other dudes that play guitar

I'm feeling a similar way. I can't see a future for myself where I'm happy or successful. I've grown up thinking this and I haven't had anything presented to me to change my mind about it. I want to kill myself and shut everything off like when you turn off your computer when you finally decide its time to go to bed.

I'm

so

fucking

bitter.

I'm glad you could make it back out of that, it sounds like a difficult time. I had a similar situation when I was also young, coming out of elementary to high school. I was the most popular person in my grade at elementary school. There was 2 high schools near me and I couldn't go to one because it was new and only people in the extremely local area could go, but that's where all my friends went. They had the option to go to my school, but they didn't. I was pretty young and I felt abandoned like I've never felt before. I can look at it now being seasoned as I am and that's fine, but at the time it really tore me apart. I was very sad to the point my parents brought me to therapy as a kid, and I've never been the same even to this day.

I do understand the benefits of being yourself. I've been in a few relationships by now, and the "be yourself" point you made is actually why I considered my ex to be perfect for me. Of course I'm trying to think otherwise, but I've never met anyone else that liked me for who I was like she did.

Motivations don't need to be deep to get in to something that you end up loving, I totally understand that. Any way finding something that makes you happy is something incredible.

What do I enjoy? That's a long list man, but I'm enjoying life in general by myself less and less every day. I'm tired of being alone and nobody liking who I am. I have the opportunity to get close with people right now, but they aren't appreciative of who I am. Anyways back to what I like
>programming/gamedev
>mechanical keyboards
>trading card games
>video games (cooperative)
>anime/manga/ln
>snowboarding
>digital/fine art
>aquatics
>scuba diving
>cafe/restauranting/cooking
>reading
>gym
>adventure/travelling
>trying new things around me
More and more and more. I've tried so many things and I want to try so many more things, but I'm enjoying it less and less by myself and meeting nobody, and furthermore nobody meaningful.

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Trading Card games? Now you got my attention my dude. Got a particular favorite? And does this extend to other tabletop/board games or is that about it?

Well my best advice is to see when your friends are available to hang out and stuff, but from what I understand they don’t seem to be in a hurry to make plans with you. I’ve had that happen to me too. It’s good that your recognizing that life is getting more dull by yourself but you don’t seem too alone to me, but I know that you feel that way. Sometimes I feel pretty alone too, but I know my family has my back. You got a close family or not really?

If you play hearthstone I could give you my battle tag if that’s something that might cheer you up. Also find someone to work out with you man, cuz I’m sure you’re just as aware as I am that running on your own is some of the most depressing shit ever.

But moving on from the fluff stuff for a second it might do some good to reflect upon ourselves. By that I mean why do you think that you can’t be loved (that is of course if that’s what you think I could be misunderstanding)? What do you think is your worst trait? What do you think is your best trait? For me, my worst trait is that I’m very impatient and pretty arrogant. I’ve been told that I’m an asshole but a likable one, but I’ve also been told that I’m one of the nicest people they’ve ever met. I think my best trait though is that I think I’m good at conversation and that I’m easy to talk to.

Oh and another useful tid-bit too: Always have something to look forward to everyday man.

Oh and the point that I’m trying to get at is, who do you think you are, and who do other people think you are? Most people are more critical of themselves than they should be and I am certain you can find some pretty positive qualities about yourself. And you can call me Chris btw

I've been playing Weiss Schwarz. I like Re:Zero a lot so I got the cards and I play it weekly. I used to play Pokemon TCG often before that, and I played with an old work friends MTG decks some years ago too. I used to play Hearthstone but when I found myself buying packs I was thinking to myself, I want these cards physically if I'm buying them, so I played tabletop. Not to say Hearthstone isn't innovative, taking advantage of the fact it's practically impossible to play in real life.

I hang out with my friends, but it means nothing more to me than just filling social needs and practising socialising. Though I skipped out this week because I started taking antidepressants again and I shouldn't be drinking. They like me and hanging out with me, but I don't like it as much because we never do things I like to do, and they don't care about it.
I have a family that has my back if things go wrong, but socially it's extremely superficial. All our family is pretty much separated all day, we eat dinner and it's separate again. I'm a pretty private guy, and when I go and explain something emotionally bad they don't really know what's going on with me. They say like "Don't worry it'll get better" "You'll be okay"

Yeah I would be happy to play some Hearthstone again, and if not it's nice to make a friend. I've been playing WoW occasionally because my friends play it, but only because of that pretty much. But at the gym I'm actually lifting weights, and yeah it can get depressing still. Not sure how I'd find someone to work out with me unless it's one of my friends already.

I do tend to think I'm unlovable.
My worst trait is that over long times I think I always bring people down to a mundane, low energy, and maybe even a negative place. I'm stubborn with my own position in life, and when people try to help, they can't. Professionals can't help me at this point. I know what I need to do, and I feel bad and there's nothing I can do about it. That puts people down. Even in positive times in my life, like the time I interned internationally, I will feel negative sometimes and this is the kind of energy I have. It rubs off on people, and people will always want to get away from it. Just as well, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't bottle up my emotions.

The best part of me is probably also my positive attitude, but it's misinterpreted sometimes. I always find a way to do something, and I don't give up. I acknowledge the difficulties, and prepare for them mentally. When I help others from their problems I try to do the same thing that I do to accomplish my own goals, and they tend to think I'm telling them they can't do it, when I'm just trying to help get them ready to do it. I do tend to have a positive outlook on life for the most part too.
But sometimes I'm overwhelmed, and taking a step back from life and viewing the trend in my quality of life, I don't see anything good. While I'm trying my best, I don't think that will do, and there's nothing else I can imagine. There's nothing else professionals can do. Thus the making of this thread.

>Always have something to look forward to everyday
I tried doing this by setting hard weekly, monthly, yearly, life goals. I fell off this actually and I'll get back to it.

>who do you think you are
I think I'm someone incapable, that's trying as hard as they can to become someone worth anyone's time.
>who do other people think you are
People think I'm good but not good enough. They could do better. And if they get to know me then they think I have some problems.

Right on man! My battle tag is “Cpjj2#1985”

I get that the constant advice of “oh it will all get better soon” and the “You’ll be okay” is annoying. You know what else pisses me off though? Everyone tries to cheer up these depressed people that “It’s not about the destination, It’s about the Journey.” People who say that lack perspective if you ask me. A better phrase is “The Journey of 10,000 miles begins with a single step”

I think the problem is that all the people that blow their brains out have lost sight of their destination and they don’t see the point of going any further on the Journey. The first cliche phrase neglects the fact that Journeys of all sorts are resource intensive and can be especially taxing for the soul. Do you think that part of your problem could be that you’ve lost sight of a destination? If so, what was the destination before these big changes? Is there a desirable destination that comes to mind if you were to try to work for it? And we still haven’t heard those best/worst traits man, but whatever you’re comfortable answering man, no pressure here.

Edit: Disregard what I said about you not getting to the best/worst traits lol

That never quit attitude is pretty important man especially when it comes to your mental health. If you ask me you seem plenty good enough and have a decent heart, just a wandering lonely heart. I listen to a lot of blues and to quote the movie “Crossroads” with Ralph Macchio (or however you spell it, the kid from karate kid) “Blues is just a good man making music about feeling down.”

What kind of music do you listen to? Anything in particular stirs your soul or do you not listen to music too much?

A good reason? I’m not you, user. I have no idea what kind of shit you’ve seen or why you feel so hollow inside. But I know the feeling, and I know it comes and goes. Survived an attempt a couple years ago and still sometimes find myself in that place, I feel for you.
My reason? I’m just waiting to see what happens, and I’ve lost people to suicide. I don’t want to be the cause of that pain

>lost sight of their destination and they don’t see the point of going any further on the Journey.
I think you might be on to something here. My end goal had recently changed and maybe it's not exactly solidified just yet. Though I hope that I'm further than the first step in my journey at this point.

My original life goal was to live around the world, and achieve an ambitious position in my career. Later after being with her it became raise a family, and still achieve an ambitious position in my career. I am extremely cautious about raising a family to the point where I cannot even imagine it unless it's with someone I fully and deeply trust, and now I cannot imagine a family. I care less about living around the world lately, though I've opened up the possibility by applying to only dream jobs internationally. Part of me also wants to challenge myself to enjoy my home like I do the other places in the world, but I tried so hard and still nothing. I have many depressing memories here, but also the dream of raising a family here. But as far as what my dreams are now, I don't know. Meet another girl similar to my ex, learn Japanese, maybe live in Japan or Singapore. I guess I don't know.

>a decent heart, just a wandering lonely heart
I do think of myself that way too. Thank you for bringing that back to my attention, because it's a nicer way to see it. I might have to look in to some jazz.

>What kind of music do you listen to?
I used to listen to Tycho quite a bit to help me relax. I liked pop punk like TSSF, and FYS too. Lately I've liked Joji, and Kero Kero Bonito. It's funny though, when I checked when they were playing in my city, I missed them by a couple days after they performed. I'll have to try and keep on top of that.

>I don’t want to be the cause of that pain
Sometimes I think that the pain I will cause is temporary, but the long term worry off their back will be more relieving and freeing for other people.
I know people regret suicide attempts after the fact because things are better, but this is reoccurring for years. I guess you said you still find yourself in that place sometimes. How do you feel about your attempt?

I'm sure that I'll find myself in the same position as you in the next decade. Very sure. I really need someone else with me to do most of the tasks, be it gym or shopping. But by the time College ends and I'm at a job, my constant habits of shutting myself up will mess my social life.
Do you have any advice you can give to me/ to your younger self?

Take some time to learn how to control your mind. It’s not the external events in the world that dictate our happiness but our perception to those events. Most people don’t learn they can actually control their subconscious and aleter their mood until their 30s. If you are in you 20s, I promise it’ll get better as you mentally mature later in life and learn how to take off those shit goggles you are seeing the world through.

School is just as important for socialising as it is for grades. But GPA is also very important for getting good jobs. If you don't, you'll be working for years to make that up. My advice is to take school slowly to enjoy it (lifestyle, socialising) and also focus on the grades. Take part in the events (even if they're stupid and you don't want to) and join some FUN clubs. Networking is also absolutely amazing.

Going to the gym for me is nothing more than a means to being "up" more frequently. Your body is wired to be happy when you're physically active. If that's what you need, then it can be helpful.

For my job, I work alone, and I work from home. Meeting and hanging out with people at work is great, so do that if you can. I force myself to get out to do something social 1-2 times a week and it keeps me content.

Whenever you have a social opportunity for the love of god take it. Take them until you have what you want. Seek them, because they're there in university.

Some days I’m happy I survived.

Some days I think about how I could’ve prevented it.
Either way, I play it over in my head frequently. I can’t stop watching it happen, hearing it happen, puts a knot in my stomach. I’ll never be the same

Don't do it in respect of the fucking people who will have to clean your mess after.

This is pretty strong, and I respect your strength to keep going. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I can't generate any motivation to do anything.

Currently, I'm eating well and exercising and working as well as maintaining a perfect GPA in my electrical engineering bachelor. I just can't rationalize why I would keep bothering.

I don't like people.
I don't want sex.
I don't want relationships.
I don't care about family.
I don't want to help anyone.
I would like science but the prospect of helping someone puts me off it.
I don't want to make a lot of money.
I don't want to be social.
I don't want to be liked.
I hate politics.

I kind of just want to jump in front of a train.

It’s ultimately meaningless if you kill yourself or not as you’ll simply be reborn, but I’d at least use this time (the time you have left alive) to work on awakening spiritually. Take away the things from your life that you obsess over/crave the most, for me I got rid of all my video games that I was addicted to and completely quit alcohol. Happiness is a inner thing, cravings for wealth and things cause unhappiness in the long run.

All this being said though it’s hard for me to give advice on how to achieve spiritual awakening as it randomly happened to me in one of the worst periods of my life

This might be a long shot off, but you sound like someone who didn't get IITB CS. Plis ignore if you don't get this.

>but after every rainbow comes another storm. That's what I'm upset about.
Don't you think it's unreasonable to expect life to be anything else? You can't have one without the other. Maybe work on your perspective. No one has a life that's all rainbows.

Same poster here. I understand all of that. I think it's also important to consider whether you'd feel the same during those happier moments. Humans are temperamental. Is it really worth sacrificing those happy moments, perhaps in opposition to what you yourself would want in those moments, because you've decided that's what's best in this contemplative, sadder mood? Maybe, but I think you should be much more skeptical. It's such a cliche line, but suicide really is a permanent solution to a potentially temporary problem. In cases where suicide is justifiable, it's a decision that should be made on behalf of every self you could have gone on to be. In extreme hypothetical cases, such as one where someone has been held captive and tortured for some time with no hope of escape, I think death is clearly a mercy. But that's an extreme case, where there is absolutely no hope for future pleasure, and it's not one we can be especially biased about since we're not talking about ourselves. Lots of people who have attempted suicide, and likely felt very similarly to you when they did, will talk about how they regret it immensely. They may not have suddenly found that life is immensely meaningful, but they are decidedly better off, and so should they have died, they'd have deprived themselves of some happiness. So I think it's imperative to consider not just your current feelings on suicide, nor even your entire life experience, but also potential future outcomes for yourself. You're biased right now towards an inability to imagine ever feeling better, and yet it's likely you could. But I don't know what your circumstances are.

There is also the possibility that medication could make life more pleasurable for you. I'm very reluctant to seek out this kind of treatment because I'd like to believe that I can find meaning in life more "naturally." However, if you're considering suicide, I think it's fair to say you don't have that kind of pride.

Unreasonable? Sure. Something I am obliged to put up with? No.
If the ups were at least equal in weight with the downs I might be okay with that, but it's not even close.

Sounds like you view society pretty poorly. I suggest trying to fix that perspective. I know it's not that good, but what helped me is thinking positive. Think how I would feel in their situation and sympathise/understand them honestly. Their okay to feel what they want. Meet more people.

>you’ll simply be reborn
I don't believe in rebirth, but I may be happier with rebirth rather than continuing life as it is now.
I don't have any problems with addiction I think, but I don't know what will make he happy anymore aside from sharing life with someone. That being said, my inevitable sadness brings people down and they don't want that. I don't want to hurt people I like and then be abandoned. It's a cycle I cannot change because if I change it, because it's who I am. I get sad about things that other people can't help.

>whether you'd feel the same during those happier moments.
I actually think that I do feel the same in the happy moments.
I remember working abroad, in the middle of it and being the happiest I've ever been, I thought about the sadness waiting for me to return at home. I had a weird thought that made me happy, and it was that I would be happy to die right then and there.

I guess that means I've never had hope of escaping the cycle in life, and that I never wanted to put up with it in the first place.

>in cases where suicide is justifiable, it's a decision that should be made on behalf of every self you could have gone on to be.
There is hope for my future pleasure, but I'm already anticipating the next downfall. I've been through the ups and downs of life's pleasures and I hate the downfalls more than I like the ups. I think I'm okay with it considering all my future selves and the paths I want to take. Happiness is getting kind of numb for me. I don't really understand what's happening.
I understand suicide attempts are scarring and terrible experiences to live through, and they want it to have had never happened. I think it's because of the trauma, not because they're better off than before.

I am currently taking medication, and I think it's helped me. It limits your extreme feelings I think, and I've felt more extremely low than any kind of happy for the last couple months. It's also helped me get better sleeps.

>Tell me a good reason why I should not kill myself
I am afraid I can't, so I won't.
Do you want me to tell you good reasons why you should, indeed, kill yourself? Oh, then I have tons.
As an example, one of them is:
>propension to suffer depression is highly heritable, most likely, your very own biological sons will pass through the exact same situation you are passing through right now.
Makes us a favour and remove yourself vermin.

>vermin
Okay that's a bit extreme man, but this is one of the reasons I am more at peace dying without passing on without living to have had children. That and the whole climate change thing. The future looks bleak and stresses me out every day or so.

>ecotrash
Drop dead already.

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This

Don't worry, 100 niggers, chinks and indians will breed in your place to ruin the planet with their pollution lmao

Not OP
>life is endless suffering, agony, and terror
>there is nothing to look forward to, everything is a slow decline
>break down crying daily
>there is nothing i want and nothing i have hope for
>keep fantasizing about putting a gun to my head or jumping off a nice cliff somewhere
>cannot find any logical reason to oppose this

please go samefag on Jow Forums

>i'm n-not samefagging!

Cry more you smelly hippie

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>phoneposter

i just cannot get over your white privilege user

Live by following your feelings then. If you want to do something, do it; go for it.

>Something I am obliged to put up with? No.
So you'd rather kill yourself than work to make the ups a bit closer in magnitude to the downs. That makes sense.

I'm not worried about making it worse, I'm worried about the children's future.

see you on the other side brother

minimal reason: we'll all get to the other side sooner or later. Why rush? live the time you are given and see what happens, you will die anyway in the end and as far as we know you don't get back. So experience the ride while you can, after all it's just a bunch of years compared to the eternity of what comes after

Cringe. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't kill yourself. Go for it!