So I need some advice

Ima be honest with you chief, you’re kind of gross looking.

Shave the beard, it’s too patchy. The hair on the sides is atrocious. It looks like pubes.

You’re chubby and your face is round because of it. You might have a better jaw line if you weren’t fat. You should exercise. You don’t have to be ripped but tone looks good.

Either grow your hair out or shave it clean. It doesn't look good. There are treatments you can get for balding. At least try a hat.

That shirt is bad. It looks like it says something else but I don’t care. It looks bad. Word shirts are bad. Improve you fashion.

I’m going to give you a 2/10.

>obviously don't ask for details
You‘re her husband and this shit is important. in fact you two should talk about it a lot until she has it all out of her system. It would be especially beneficial to talk not about the specific actions that happened but how those situations felt for her.

Look, i know it‘s difficult to really believe, but her not enjoying intimacy has nothing to do with you.
She needs to face what has happened, so she can finally move on. By facing, i mean bring every memory back from the corner she has neatly packed it away and examine it. It would be perfect, if she could forgive her dad. I know that sounds impossible, but it isn‘t. I‘ve experienced similar stuff and i managed to do it. So she can do it too.
Cont

She has developed an avoidant attachment style as a coping mechanism. Meaning that she, as a kid, unconsciously decided that it is too dangerous to trust or need other people. By her dad‘s violations of her physical and emotional boundaries, he taught her that her needs don‘t matter and that she‘s merely an instrument to be used by others for their own pleasure. If the abuse happened somewhat frequently and wasn‘t a one time occurrence, that little girl she was had to find a way to not go insane over it. Everybody reacts a bit differently, but as it seems, she decided to comply and let him do whatever he wants to avoid further escalation, basically completely denying herself all the basic needs that got violated by him like safety, standing up for oneself, being allowed to set your own boundaries for physical and emotional closeness, and so on.
She has never learned to do it differently, because once you‘ve learned your coping mechanisms, you have to consciously change them or they‘ll stay with you forever.
So what she has probably been doing all her adult life (this is highly speculative and derived from how i experienced it as well as scientific research done about the topic, but also highly likely to be true) is doing exactly that. Neglecting her own needs because she had learned that they are not worth being respected anyways. Letting people have their ways with her to avoid upsetting them (the fact you said she stated she „doesn‘t have a libido but is ALWAYS WILLING“ is a huge indicator for this).

The only way for you two to establish real and lasting physical and emotional intimacy again in your marriage is to „fix“ how she feels about the importance of her own needs.
Right now i can guarantee you that she doesn‘t think she has any needs. That‘s normal. They are buried under decades of denying them.

She will have to learn to honor her need again, know what they are and how to get them met.

Be prepared, this will not always be a smooth ride. At some point she will have to release a huge amount of pent up frustration, pain and sadness about how she has treated her self so badly for all those years. But it will be VERY worth it in the end.

I‘m still working on the process myself but i‘ve come a long way i never thought possible. Right now i feel like i‘m operating on a whole different level of living life. I can actually start to fine tune my mental health. Before, i was basically a zombie who did everything in her power to suppress and ignore the unbelievable amounts of pain that has accumulated in the years living like that.

Someone said my mug ain't bad. I appreciate that nicest thing someone's ever said. The 2/10 I get it. I know it looks trashy. She likes it, don't ask me why, I'd sooner shave something stupid like a racing stripe or soul patch cause I'm a tool. I can't grow hair. Balding. Aside from the rest of it. I really appreciate all the information. I want to read this thoroughly after work.

OH and I am chubby and whatnot, not fat. I exercise 12 hours a day while I'm lifting and moving balled and burlapped trees. Most of them weight 4x the weight of a person. I get plenty of exercise my man. Strong as a ox.

Look mate im sorry to be the bringer of the truth, but shes getting pumped elsewhere, your just a paycheck and a pair of slippers

As strong as an ox. Your homeschooling was clearly flawed by your moms extra chromosome

>She likes it.
really?

Is she insecure by any chance?

The guys who think this is about the looks or that she is cheating obviously don’t have a lot of experience. I had the exact same problem in my past long term relationship, and after a few years we sat down with my gf to discuss this, and apparently it was all due to a throwaway remark I made in the beginning of our relationship commenting on how the best sex I ever had was with a previous girl, which made my gf super insecure and not willing to initiate sex. After we had this talk she started reading sex blogs and being more intimate with me, and this mental block she had went away.

>throwaway remark I made in the beginning of our relationship commenting on how the best sex I ever had was with a previous girl

How retarded can one man be.

I know

Yes. I get the idea of making me look like shit to prevent competition. I really don't much care. I work outside and in the mud. I'm not trying to impress anyone else.

Good job. Those are indeed words.

A OX. There ya go bud. From the south. Not sure what kind of English ya expecting out of me.
You try posting while driving a bobcat with your knees.

Calling my face "the looks" stings so much more than the guy actually trying to start shit. Lol ouch.

She might shy away from talking to me about it because I have show aggression to her father. He has alzheimers and I have told him if I ever see his face, I will kill him and I truly mean that.
Her mother keeps her in the loop about her father through Facebook or something.

I may have done wrong with that, but it happened, and if I do meet him, I will hurt him at the very least. I'm not a forgiving person and some things people can't walk back.
I'm sure this is one of those times my personal opinion and personal values contradict with what will actually help, I don't have it in me to do anything other than harm someone that touched a child. I don't think it's something I could change.

Am I the reason she can't heal? This has only been spoken about like twice and both times when he tried to get in contact with her, she wanted nothing to do with him and I spoke to him. I explained to him how he is going to die alone and in a hospital with a nurse stealing his few worldly possessions and he has no family left, that if he showed up I'd end up killing him. Again, this is not just a threat, I had full intention on it, he never showed up and to this day I will follow through on that.

Yes, you‘re way of handling this is probably not helping her heal at all. It might feel good to her to know you‘ll kill anyone laying hands on her and being protective, but it keeps her firmly in the role of the victim.
I can fully see where you‘re coming from. Sexually abusing your own daughter is a special kind of evil. I know it‘s not going to change your mind but i‘ll plant it in your memory anyways. The only way you or her can change your feelings about her dad is by getting to a point where you feel empathy for him rather than hate.

Let me explain: imagine her dad as a young 20 something guy, meeting her mom. He probably had the same hopes and dreams for their future as every other guy meeting a girl he falls in love with and finding her reciprocating. He probably had some heavy baggage on his shoulders already. This is speculative again, but chances are pretty big that he himself got sexually abused as a kid. Now, nobody knows better how much pressure it puts on a man to get married and have kids, than you. This shit‘s tough and it drives you over your limits more than once. If you‘re somewhat mentally sane, then the worst that will happen is that you might start sublimating this feeling of getting overwhelmed with binge watching tv or eating more chips than you should. However, if there‘s unconfronted demons lurking inside you, they will see heir chance and burst out and wreak havok. Some people turn to drugs, others selfharm or become suicidal. Others again start to notoriously cheat, become violent and then there‘s the ones who become sexually deviant and might turn to child abuse. I‘m not trying to deny the destructive impact his actions had and how evil they were. All i‘m asking for is that you and your wife try to see the sheer desperation and pain behind his actions.
Also a very common phenomenon is denial. A lot of incest child predators simply and honestly CAN‘T remember. Theories suggest that that‘s because they are so shocked by their own capability for evil that their brains decide to erase those memories completely. So if he acts like „nothing ever happened“ that is probably not because he thinks it wasn‘t a big deal but because he has suppressed it.

However, empathy can only ever be possible after her AND your pain about this has been fully acknowledged and heard. Before you both feel like you had the chance to completely express what this situation does to you and have this empathetically acknowledged, empathy for her dad is not even on the horizon. And as long as empathy isn‘t on the horizon, true forgiveness is impossible.

Note that for this entire process, you two don‘t have to talk a single word to her dad. You could both so it in solitude, but even better (and a great way to bond) would be to do it together.
If you ever find it in you to give this a try and bring it up to her, don‘t try to fit into a role you‘ve assigned yourself (her protector for example). Just be very honest about the emotions this is giving you. This is no place to put on an act to shelter her. She needs to feel you‘re authentic or she‘ll never be able to speak authentically about her experiences in turn.
Also, don‘t try to fix anything. You can't fix this. You can be there for her to go trough the pain, but you can‘t take it away from her. All you can do when she‘s opening up is hold her if she needs it and if you feel it appropriate, try to guess how a certain thing she told might have made her feel (that must have been scary as hell/you probably felt very lonely in your pain/...). This way you can gently show her that you‘re with her and paying close attention whilst trying to understand how she felt. You might guess wrong and she might correct you, but that‘s ok. The point with this is only to show her you‘re with her in this.

I‘d suggest to first let her express all the pain. After a while, you might notice that she has nothing left to say and that she seems noticeably relieved. If that happens, she might be in a position to be able to now give you empathy for the pain this has caused you. (Later, you can do the same for the pain the issues you two have with your sex life has caused you. And probably her...)

This would be the initial step. After that, she would need to find out how those experiences have left her bruised. Where she needs to revise her ways because they were fit for a little girl getting sexually abused but they are no longer working for a married woman with a husband who‘s sexually frustrated. After you both know where to look, find ways to implement healthy ways to replace them. Then it‘ ms a matter of keeping at it till those new patterns become second nature.
Congratz, you just healed your wife from a rape trauma and simultaneously rescues your marriage and sex life.

asexuality does not exist in species that rely on sexual reproduction to propagate. loss/absence of libido is a symptom of something else, psychological or physiological. you wife should seek medical attention and/or counseling. failing that, i advise you to patronize the services of prostitutes safely and discreetly. i and many others have dealt with this. you are not alone, user.

I was just useing terms I've heard thrown around. Asexual puts a label on it, I get its probably like antisocial, where the actual definition isn't close to how people use it.

>I'm not trying to impress anyone else.
Including her.

Since it went right over your head, I'll hold your nose to it....

>girl is insecure
>guy is handsome
>girl gives bad advice to guy, to fend other girls off
>guy gets ugly
>girl doesn't like guy so much
>girl stops sex with guy because he turned into a fat ugly loser

No, you don't get it. If she's insecure, She turned you into something she DOESN'T like. And now she doesn't like you; how you missed this obvious trail of logic --- I will never know. But there you go, OP.

My grander advice is: Start thinking about things a little more. Like in general. Exercise your critical mind just as much as you exercise your body. Who knows could earn you a promotion or something unrelated.

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I'm almost 10 years older and look younger than you. Lay off the drugs.

and u wife that up? jesus christ

If my entire career was sucking dudes off and pushing a pencil, maybe my skin look good at 40 like you.
Unfortunately, I work for a living.
By the way, no drugs, just actual work, you know, the kind you can't do.

Not like she was fucking her dad at 16 man.
Kind of a dick thing to do dismissing someone for something out of their control.
Atleast she moved past it. As far as I know, you wernt raped by her dad and you seem to have more baggage over it.

I really appreciate it. I'll see what she thinks about all this. We're pretty open and communicate well so I'll just print it up for her to read.

I'd say any information is good information, but yet again, some anons proved me wrong in this thread. Some couldn't even focus long enough to have a topic.