I met a guy in middle school a decade ago. He's my best friend. I connect to him in a way I haven't with anyone else. We have basically everything in common and had basically the same childhood. We can talk for hours and hours about any inane topic and never get bored or tired. I really wanted to date him, but it never worked out and now he's getting married to someone else. Boo hoo.
I've dated a bunch of people in the meantime. I've never had a problem finding a date. Problem is, I never actually connected with anyone in the same way I do with him. Not even close. So even though I've been with people who probably cared about me a lot, it always felt shitty to me because they weren't anywhere as good as my best friend. And I always feel guilty because I know I've never loved any of my partners as strongly as I love him.
What am I supposed to do, Jow Forums? Do I just settle for a consolation prize and stick with someone who's "just okay" but doesn't make me as happy as my best friend? Do I just accept being lonely and keep looking? I'm approaching my 30s and it feels like I can only keep looking for so long, especially considering the kind of person I'm looking for.
>he's marrying someone else now Well, nothing we can do for you. Buy some cats. But I'm still curious why it didn't work out in 2009. What's the deal?
Christian Diaz
It's honestly a curse at this point. Maybe I'd be happier with other people if I never met him.
I asked him out shortly after we met, but he was with someone. A few years later they broke up and he asked me out, but I was at a really low point in my life and ready to kill myself, so I turned him down for his sake. I very much regret this. I got my shit together and I tried going for him again, but he was already dating someone else. He got proposed to two months ago.
It's honestly killing me inside and I feel myself slipping back to my old depression, but that's not what I want to talk about. Between all of that I've dated a few people, some for over a year, but I've never felt anything genuine towards them. At least not the way I feel about my friend.
Is this normal? How often do you find someone that feels like they should be your soulmate? Do you eventually find a new flame in your 30s, someone who either replaces them or comes close, or should I just give up and settle?
Jace Wood
Should've been honest with him that you were messed up, I bet you gave him a bullshit excuse. It's sad to hear that, and I feel bad for him as well now.
I would strongly consider telling him about your suicidal episode in the past, so that both of your minds are at peace. But do not meet him under any circumstances, just talk over the phone or something.
As for settling, well I don't know what the hell you were doing all this time. It's one thing to find out you were wrong about somebody, it's another to continue dating them after finding out that they're a "consolation prize" and that you feel like you're above the other person.
It sounds to me like you still haven't worked through those issues of yours, and it'd be best for you to get a shrink before you get a boyfriend. No man alive will match up to the image in your head. And anyone who comes close you won't recognise them, or they will be scared away by your baggage.
You need to go into therapy and take it into overdrive, because if you don't solve these problems then you will have a miserable life. And time is indeed running out. Ideally you'd want to take a six months mental health break, but not everyone can do that. Do what you can, OP. But do not skimp on mental health. Expensive, yes. But this is the rest if your life we're talking about.
Jayden Gutierrez
This is what happens when you don't tell your crush how you feel. Male or female, it is something people strongly come to regret. Assuming you don't find a miracle man in the next 5 years, better luck in the next life
Christopher Williams
If you aren't genuinely happy for him then you don't love him you are just infatuated. Also if you're at the point where you think every single other person is just okay than I'd recommend getting the friend out of your fucking life or finding something else to obsess over otherwise you're pretty fucked.
Nolan Martin
>Should've been honest with him that you were messed up, I bet you gave him a bullshit excuse. I did tell him. >I would strongly consider telling him about your suicidal episode in the past, so that both of your minds are at peace. He knows. >It's one thing to find out you were wrong about somebody, it's another to continue dating them after finding out that they're a "consolation prize" and that you feel like you're above the other person. I'm not currently dating someone and I've been reluctant to because of the way I think about other people. I've been making a lot of friends recently to try and find someone I can connect to, though. >You need to go into therapy and take it into overdrive, because if you don't solve these problems then you will have a miserable life. I've been looking up a therapist recently, and I think I can afford one even though I'm uninsured, but it's still a scary prospect for me. I've never been to therapy and I don't even know where to find the right one.
I did tell him, though. >Assuming you don't find a miracle man in the next 5 years, better luck in the next life This is basically what I've been thinking, yeah.
Of course I'm happy for him! I'm going to his wedding and everything. I don't have any ill-will towards him or anything, just regret on my own behalf is all.
My problem isn't with him, it's with the fact that I haven't found anyone else nearly as good is all. I guess I do just need therapy. But why should I cut him out of my life?
Dominic Wright
Because its clearly fucking with you in some serious ways. Is one single person worth having your sense of being loved fucked for the rest of your life and being somewhat of a martyr i.e oh well I'll settle and be sad/just okay but I'm happy he's happy! Pretty toxic if you ask me and something I'd hope people shed by the time their 30. Don't mean to be a dick I just know a lot of people that would have benefited from toughish advice in this situation. Most of them eventually made it through but they drug it out waaaaaaaaay too long. I mean if that's what you want to focus on, take as much time as you need to process but the longer that idea is stuck with you the lower and lower your chances get of even finding someone who is "just okay"
Lincoln Thomas
It's not like these feelings are arbitrary or baseless. He's the only person I've met who I've been able to talk to for hours straight without the conversation slowing down or dying. He's the only person I've met whose hobbies and life experiences line up so closely with mine. He's the only person I've met who just gets me, so I don't really have to explain myself or he'll say something and I just find myself agreeing completely.
So when I'm with someone else and I find it hard to hold a conversation for more than an hour, or I find that our hobbies and experiences are so different that we can't entirely relate, it feels awkward and I can't help but think of him.
And cutting him out seems kind of wrong, because he's still my best friend of twelve years. Are you sure the problem is with him and not with everyone else just being kind of shit?
Ian Sanders
no the problem is clearly with you but from the way you describe the intensity it doesn't seem like something you're going to be able to handle/process either on your own or with a therapist while still spending time with him. At the very least that would have to be cut back. Think of it this way, if you were a smoker and having an existential crisis about smoking, do you think it would be helpful to quit if you continued to have packs and lighters in your pockets or ashtrays all around your house?
Jace Watson
Let me put it this way: the things I want out of someone are pretty clear, right? If I stop talking to him, I won't magically get that out of someone. It's not like I'll suddenly start talking to people for hours straight or suddenly find someone who coincidentally has so much in common with me. Or if I do, my talking to him or not won't have anything to do with that.
So if I do it, all I'm doing is losing out on a friend. Unless I'm misunderstanding something.
Charles Mitchell
Same thing happened to me except I just lost all contact and we're both already difficult to find online so I had nothing. It took me three years to stop moping about it though so wait that long.
Kevin Walker
It hurts more when you're older desu. When you're young, you're in this milieu of people with your same age and experience. Every one of them might be *the* one for which romantic love is more than just a story. But then you graduate and get a job. Well-adjusted people can typically build out their social circle in a new environment, but there are far fewer new people, let alone attractive and interesting people. This is how otherwise decent people end up on Tinder.
Sounds banal as fuck desu.
Anyway, I have a theory on love. People like us are supposed to only really love one person in our entire lives. But we don't really love an actual, individual human being. We're in love with an ideal, or an archetype, which we project on to certain individuals with the right traits, although it's hard to pin down what those traits actually are. The point is that, if you let yourself, you might find somebody similar enough to him (and perhaps better for you than him) that falling in love will be just as easy as it was.
Don't go for a 'consolation prize', because you'll never be happy with someone with that attitude. Just be open to the possibility of connecting with someone new, and remember that you don't have to throw away your feelings for him. They were never specific to him in the first place.
Jacob Parker
>I really wanted to date him, but it never worked out and now he's getting married to someone else. Boo hoo. I read your entire OP except for this one single line *somehow* and was all set to either ignore you or tear into you because I'm feeling pretty bad tonight myself. And then I fucking read that line and your post went from rage fuel to feels fuel. This is pretty upsetting.
>My problem isn't with him, it's with the fact that I haven't found anyone else nearly as good is all. I guess I do just need therapy. But why should I cut him out of my life? I can answer this question for you pretty easily. To put it simply, you're in love with your best friend. And the more you interact with him, the more that love asserts itself to the forefront of your mind. Every interaction only deeps your connection to him. Were I a guy who was freshly dating you, and found out about this, I would have to have a conversation with you about it, because it would make me uncomfortable. You clearly love him, and how do you think it would make me feel, if when you went out to lunch with him i knew that my gf would be going out to lunch with a man she wished she married? You get the idea. He's not the problem, you're right. Neither are you, it's that you love him. Your love is precluding you from finding someone you can really fall in love with. Of course some new guy you're dating for 2 months won't hold up to the guy you've loved for 10 years *that you're still seeing every day (or whenever).*
Ryder Howard
Your missing that the great advice given by could very likely never be achieved if you don't at the very least reduce communication with him, your therapist is probably going to tell you the same thing
Jose Barnes
Here's what you are missing. When you first met this guy all this time ago, you weren't able to have him just get you right away, right? you didn't realize you guys had a lot in common right away? What I'm saying is, you may be subconsiously expecting this stuff out of people you've not given a real shake. Stop comparing people to your friend and be open to the fact that there are most likely other types of people you could be just as happy with if you gave it a real chance. This isn't about settling, this is about accepting that all people have flaws (including you), therefore all relationships will have flaws. It's merely a matter of checks and balances, so to speak. The main factor of a happy relationship isn't being the same or even similar as your partner anyway, it's being able to respect one another and to be able to effectively communicate and work around each other's flaws, as well as working through your differences respectfully.
Landon Long
Thanks for the positivity.
No, I get that completely. That's why I'm currently not dating anyone. I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm bragging, but getting a date was never the hard part. It's overcoming exactly what you're describing, which is why I never let my relationships last that long. I kept trying because I figured maybe I was just getting unlucky or not putting in an earnest effort to try someone new, but that didn't work out either.
I've already decided not to try dating someone again until I see at least some kind of potential, but that hasn't happened yet.
I currently talk to him daily, but maybe I could try that before going to a therapist to see if it helps. Any idea what reducing communication means specifically?
Charles Morgan
Actually, we hit it off pretty immediately. I had asked him out pretty quickly because I already knew not to wait. It was just that he was dating someone already at the time.
But part of what you're saying is what's kinda scary for me. You don't just get a decade-long relationship with someone you just met overnight. Someone who might just be a friend could eventually become so much more than that. But that takes so much time and luck and it's not guaranteed to pay off even if things go right. So even if I cut contact immediately and start fresh, I basically have to pray that I meet the right person, develop a long-term relationship with them, and then maybe after a few years I'll get what I want assuming the stars align. And if none of that inevitably happens, I'll be in the same place I am now but in my 30s.
Jaxon Murphy
decreasing the amount of communication you engage in with him. I.e. Reducing the number of Texts, emails, calls, visits, facetime, telegraphs where he is a party.
Aaron Taylor
You're right that it's not guaranteed. I wish there was something better to say than life has no guarantees, but if I said anything else I'd be omitting the truth. There's still a lot of hope there. There are so many kinds of people in this world, that the possibilities are truly endless. I wish you luck.
Juan Scott
I don't know if I can necessarily do this with how easy and convenient it is to just shoot a text, but I'll try. Although it still feels kind of weird to push away your best friend. Like maybe I should be stronger.
Yeah, I know it can't be helped and that's just the way things are. But going into your 30s with no future prospects is just outright scary, especially when you get to watch everyone around you just have everything work out for them.
Matthew Bell
stop thinking. stop, right now. ask him out. then you can move on with your life.
Justin James
He's engaged, my dude.
Aiden Smith
regardless
Jacob Turner
Tell him plain and simply: >you're my best friend and truth is I regret not being with you >I'm in love with you and have never been able to connect with another person the way I have with you >Despite this, it is my own issue and not yours, but I felt you deserve to know how much you mean to me >I will always cheer for your happiness even if it isn't with me.
He knows how I feel. And it's not like he's marrying someone he doesn't love. They're a pretty good match. What, do you want me to guilt him into changing his mind about a long-term relationship he's about to finalize? I wouldn't want that.
And like I said before, I'm honestly happy for him, even if it's leaving me conflicted.
Austin Adams
>He knows how I feel oh, well then at least you tried and have closure. if you feel you did your best, then there's nothing more to do
best luck
Adrian Wilson
Nah, user, don’t do this. If you know they’re in love with someone enough to get married, you’ve putting them in an unfair place.
I would keep going, but search a little less for now. Find what makes you happy beyond loving your best friend, pour the emotions into hobbies or parts of your life. It hurts for a while, but it will stop hurting so bad eventually, I promise
Jace White
Nonsense. If he is truly so in love with the other girl, this confession will not matter. Note that he didn't propose, but said yes to the proposal. He may be settling. This is important for him to know.
He knows all that. I didn't say it that plainly because I didn't want to upset someone who's about to get married, especially when they're my best friend and I should be supporting them. I planned on continuing being his friend until some of the replies here made me reconsider it. I guess I'm reducing contact with him now, or at least trying it.
Yeah. I didn't make this thread to whine about not getting with him, that was just some context. It was about finding a replacement, someone who I can connect with as well as I do with him, and how to deal with everyone just seeming not as good in comparison.
Thomas Price
Stop looking for replacements. Don't look for someone to recreate the connection you had with him. Find a new one that is great because your new connection is on its own of merit. You're too fixated on a feeling you had.
Find a person who you bond with uniquely and do not compare them. Each new partner is a brand new game. No two friendships are the same.
It’s awkward to be in any position where you’re seeing someone, no matter how intense, and have someone come and tell you how they feel. It feels inherently manipulative to me
Matthew Harris
If he's getting married don't fuck it up. You fucked up your chances with him already, it's over
Xavier James
Replacement was a poor choice of words. I more meant that I'm looking for someone that I can simply connect with on the same level. Not in exactly the same way because I know I probably won't ever find anyone who's quite like him, but at the very least someone who gives me a comparable feeling.
Someone who I'd rather spend time with over him.
David Moore
I think you have fallen for the fallacy that everyone has a single soulmate out there. I don't think that's true. It sounds like you're more enamoured by the idea of him being your soulmate and that's kind of taken over everything else. You'll find someone when you're good and ready and if you're compatible that feeling of having found a soulmate will grow with them too. Love is a choice and it's a compilation of a lot of good and bad shit. It's borne out of a long term romantic relationship and a lot of work and effort. And you'll find that when you're ready to handle it. I don't mean to be condescending but to me your attitude on love sounds a little unrealistic and I think you should work on addressing that
Colton Gomez
I think I can agree with that. But it goes with what I wrote in the OP. How long are you expected to keep looking until you simply give up? Every year it gets harder for me to actually do things. I don't socialize as well as I used to, I'm more tired, and everything else that comes with aging. Every year that passes makes it that much less likely that I'll find someone.
Alexander Sullivan
In all honesty I don't think it's healthy to keep this at the forefront of your mind. Life is about a lot more than finding love and shit like that. It's normal to want someone to find a connection with but it's not something that should be a priority either. These things come naturally with the course of life. You need to focus on you, your priority should be your own personal development.
Joshua Reed
I agree, but at the same time it feels like that won't allow anything to happen naturally. It's hard to develop a relationship with someone when you're locked in your apartment playing video games by yourself whenever you're not at work.
Carson Howard
See that's kind of my point. Once you pull your focus inward and put it on your own self development you start doing things that are good for you - and that means you'll likely be getting out more or joining hobby circles that will naturally allow you to meet people. And people are drawn to people who have their own hobbies and lives and interests. Showing that you have your own thing and validating yourself are attractive qualities. I think you would be surprised
Leo Morris
>you can't find someone that you love to be with until you love yourself >you clearly don't love yourself >love yourself >???? >profit
Luis Brown
your paths werent meant to cross like that. sometimes life just gets in the way. maybe he just saw you as "just another one of the bro's"
you can find somebody new at any age. so dont get disheartened here.
yes people are gonna come and go but if you keep comparing them to a checklist you aint gonna find the one for you. sure you can find mr right now or if you cool your jets a bit more and stop dwelling on his happiness and focus on yours.
you deserve to be happy dont let anybody forget that including you.
good luck
Julian Taylor
"He got proposed to"
Yo I bet he liked you and still does and when he brought you up to this girl she decided to lock him in
You could easily push her out of the picture if you really wanted him and he really wanted you.
Easton Young
>If you aren't genuinely happy for him then you don't love him you are just infatuated.
>True love is letting go. >True love is wanting someone to be happy, even if it's without you.
Is this true? I mean it sounds accurate, but i'm not entirely sure.
Luke Thompson
>it's overcoming exactly what you're describing here's how you stop being in love with someone. stop talking to them. You don't just "keep talking to them and hope it goes away" unless you're and idiot. If it would have gone away on it's own "naturally" it would have done so by now. Grow some balls and do something difficult. Or be a woman and expect someone to make the hard decision for you while trying to eat your cake and have it too.
>Like maybe I should be stronger. Yeah, you should be stronger. Strong enough to push him away so you hurt less later.
Robert Anderson
sorry I went to sleep Thank you for the kind words. The only problem is that "focusing on myself" is just me continuing to do what I've done my whole life. I've never really felt held back.
He does still like me, but he also loves his fiance(e?). They've been together for a while, so I don't think I have a chance, and I haven't bothered thinking that I do. And even if I did, I wouldn't feel right doing what you're suggesting for a few reasons.
If it were a random guy or someone I didn't know for that long, sure. But throwing a decade-long relationship down the drain? Not only that, but he's a childhood friend and my entire life has been shaped by him in one way or another - I don't mean that in the sense of me loving him, but of him being my best friend for so long and from such an early age.
