I found out that my bf of 5 years had an affair for the past year. A full secret relationship with someone I know...

I mean, not necessary the same shit but I'd bet my ass he's willing to do other stuff that is bound to upset you. The disrespect and disregard towards you shown is just appalling and unlikely to change to the better.

>30 is pretty old to break IMO
Dude, what?

>If you have kids my opinion is that there is absolutely no way you can break up, you can't.
Yeah, growing up in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship is going to do kids a world of good!

Enjoy spending the rest of your life with a person who doesn't care about you at all and will continue to see other women while lying to you because you are too big of a coward to end it

When you bring kids into the world, your focus should be them and not you.
And a broken home is demonstrably bad for the development of children, no matter what age.
If you're a 30 yo childless woman who just got broken up with, it means you have a safe five and a risky ten years to achieve the goal that nature has gifted you with, so that when you're old and ugly someone will still love you no matter what.

Just to clarify one thing, I don't like this world or the way that things are set up, but it is what it is.

You’re an idiot if you stay with a man that disrespected you for an entire year

T. Woman

one only has to look at incels to realize men don't actually have empathy

>When you bring kids into the world, your focus should be them and not you.
Of course.

>And a broken home is demonstrably bad for the development of children, no matter what age.
Of course. And a home doesn't get much more broken than a father who treats the mother like shit. Compared to that growing up with a single mom would be the paradise.

>40
>when you're old and ugly
Man, this is some shit a 15 year old would say.

My exhusband and I were together for 12 years. We had both basically grown up together and eventually got married and it ended when I found out he had been cheating on me with a friend of a friend of a friend of a....

It was the most heart-shattering thing to come home to. It hurt so fucking bad because I was so deeply and madly in love with him, and our lives that we had build together, and our social circles and our families had all been tightly braided together for years. All of that, gone with one bad decision. What's worse is that somewhere along the lines he had emotionally disconnected and hid it from me. "Playing a role", as he later said. He never talked to me about his feelings like this. Which means that when I asked if everything was fine, he was lying to me for god knows how long. Why? What could I have done differntly had I known? I considered myself quite observant and empathetic, especially to the one I love, but somehow I believed him over my gut instincts when he'd answer.

And then anger. Lots of anger. The kind of black boiling rage that draws you in and makes you say and do stupid things you'll probably regret. And so, I moved out and eventually decided to leave the city. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't look at them together. I couldn't be around *her*. I would murder them both if I had to be reminded constantly. So I did the best thing for everyone, especially myself, and I left.

(continued)

How the fuck are the subpar specimen a good representative for a gender?

they show their true colors when they don't have anything to lose :)

(continued)

I spent the next three years in a deep dark depression. I dabbled with drugs and didn't like it. Smoked pot and liked it. Drank alcohol and liked it too much. I was in a sorry ass shape for a while. I was low.

I eventually got so depressed that suicide sort of started skipping through my mind every once in a while. I got tired of being angry all the time. I got tired of being sad all the time. I was tired of being tired. I was tired of being lonely and I missed my old home and the happy times. I was mad at myself for clinging to those happy times and having hope that they'd come back. I knew that even if I were to throw my pride away and crawl to his feet and beg for him back it'd never happen. And even if it did, it'd never ever be the same. Plus, he's had a relationship with this god damn woman for years now and she's a part of his life now - for better or worse on my end. It would never work. I'll never get that happiness in my life back ever again. I was in mourning. I felt so disappointed in life. I wasn't sure what or why this had happened, but I knew that I was completely disenchanted with living at that point.

(continued)

Sure but there is still the "subpar specimen" aspect. It's like picking only braindead kittens and then declaring that all kittens are braindead.

(continued)

I remember waking up one morning and reaching for a bottle of wine and realizing that I was out of food. As I drank, I stared at myself in the mirror and was quite surprised to see that I didn't even recognize myself. When was the last time I really looked at myself in the mirror??

I was fat. I was all tallowy and waxy from bad eating and hygiene habits. My hair looked like it would snap off if I tried to brush it. I was a wreck and I obviously needed help. It was time to talk to someone. So, I made an appointment and sobbed through my story to my doctor who was kind and offered a temporary round of medication to experiment and see if it helped. It did. It didn't cure my depression, but it did allow me to put my depression down for a little bit and focus on other things. I found support groups online for people like us. (Men and women) I discovered that my story isn't unique and that people's hearts have been crushed for countless generations. I learned that it was ok to be angry and that perhaps I was wrong to make excuses for my ex. I had been blaming myself and seeing it as a failure on my part. Was there not enough sex? Was I bad at sex? Did I drive him away from nagging him about the garbage too much??

What I learned instead is that when a partner cheats on you, it basically is a decision made that completely does not involve you at all. It's an entirely selfish decision that the cheater makes without any regard about you or your feelings. They are out to please themselves. They make the active choice to initiate the outside relationship and allow it to evolve up to this point to where they get caught. They aren't usually sorry that they cheat on you - they're sorry that they got caught. Because had they not been caught - it would still be continuing behind your back.

(continued)

It's not supposed to be easy. Life isn't easy. Easy gets you no where.

We get it, you're scared of how shit is going to change. If you want to let that be the driving factor in your life, that's your choice. You just don't get to complain when you're miserable because of it.

This. It's over, whether you want to accept it or not. Have some decency and self-respect for yourself, OP. Your boyfriend sure won't provide it for you.

I guess I needed to hear that. Thanks.

>(continued)
When?

Wow.

Every once in a while I'll get a few minutes where I don't think women are weak and pathetic.

Then I read a thread like this and come back to my senses.

(continued)

I was still in love with him and I didn't want to fully let go of the possibility that maybe we could work it or something else out. I was angry, I was sad, but I was also very much in love with this idiot even years later and after all the emotional rollercoastering.

I tried to stay friends with him. I mean, after all, he had been my best friend for the last 12 years. I tried to keep a friendly conversational line open to him. But despite trying to talk to him about what happened, I just had a problem when he'd talk about what "they" were up to. What trips "they" were planning. He even eventually hinted that he would be open to trying a relationship, but only if I would accept her as a part of it....like as a threesome.

That was it. The line snapped. I closed down shop and locked the gate. I had had enough and I realized that I was looking to the past and what was no longer the present reality. I blocked him from everything. I closed all lines of communication except for email for emergencies - because let's face it, taxes and legal shit and family are still important. I decided that I had enough of being in this fucking slump and I wanted more. I was here. I was looking a reality and I didn't like it.

So I got off my ass and changed things. I began working out to vent my frustration. I allowed myself to begin dating other people. I figured, if I could build something I loved so much with the wrong person, imagine what I can build with the right person.

And so I did just that. I got into shape, I found someone new and my life has been completely different than what it was. I went on countless adventures with my new beau and made wonderful memories that I wouldn't have had I not bit the damn bullet and tried.

My life isn't perfect. It won't ever be and I don't expect it to. Perfection is rather boring after awhile. But it's one I built and years later I can look back and see that I made the right choice.

(continued)

(Final)

The reason why I told you this whole damn thing is because I want OP to know that she's not alone. The hurt, the sadness, the anger is something that many men and women go through every day. It's ok to give yourself permission to feel those feelings. It's ok to sit with them and let them wash over you. It's ok to still love the person, it's ok to want to murder them (DON'T murder them. They are not worth it in the long run.) it's ok to want to hide in a hole with a bucket of icecream and a bottle of wine.

But once you've done that, it's also ok to let them go. It's ok to give yourself a break and realize that you're a wonderful person with a lot of life to live and it's ok to rebuild and try again. I also wanted OP to know that I have links to resources for help if you want them. Sometimes it's just nice to hear other's tell their story so that you realize that you're not alone. You're feelings and thoughts aren't as unique as you would think and it can help to hear that you may not have it as bad as someone else who is going through an even more fucked up situation than you are. (Thank GOD we never had kids!)

I'm sorry you had to go through this, OP. I'm sorry that you will have a decent stretch of road to go through in your near future. But I'm here and there are others here too who are always happy to help.

Good luck, OP. Stay strong, sis.

If he did it once he is gonna do it again or at least make an attempt.
M pretty sure he must be confidence after a year of no suspicion.
Find another fag

He Must have been bored of your faggot ass.
He could not leave you same as you but wanted some perks simple as dat

>if I could build something I loved so much with the wrong person, imagine what I can build with the right person.
DEEP.

The suicidal thoughts are here. I started seeing a therapist, but I stopped because it didn't feel like she's helping, it felt more like I was trying hard to get her on my side. I relate to everything you said. And thank you for taking the time to type all that. The thing is I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through all this. I have no family other than him and no friends at this time so I have no one else to turn to. The booze and drugs can only do so much. I have one last question, if you're still here : was it worth it? Was it worth going through all that pain and suffering for what you have now?

I assume that's the case, yes.

>was it worth it? Was it worth going through all that pain and suffering for what you have now?

Jesus, that's the million dollar question isn't it?

I'll be completely honest and say that as time has marched forward, my answer changed from "No" to "Yes". But it took time and a lot of self-reflection on my end. At first, I felt like it wasn't worth it. I felt like I didn't want to give up and I would try to do whatever I could to hang on and make it work. I thought there was still time to fix things and get him back now that I knew there was a problem. Maybe I could have accepted his conditions for it and grin and bear it. I thought that there was no way I'd ever find someone like him and have what we had so it would be worth the fight. I had invested a lot of myself into this part of my life and I didn't feel ready to let him go so suddenly. I wasn't through loving him yet, ya know?

But as the time went on, I realized that he would only allow me to come to him on his terms. He wouldn't make the same effort towards me. I would be the one molding myself into his ideas and what he wanted. I would be walking on egg shells around him so as to not piss him off. I'd have to fully accept my "sister-wife", for lack of better term, into this relationship and not be jealous and perfectly fine with the fact that they were fucking around without my knowledge or consent before all of this.

(continued)

(finished)

I realized he was an asshole. This is where the no began to change into a yes. I realized through discussions with a therapist that he showed signs of narcissism and probably lacked emotional intelligence and empathy (which is a potential sign of sociopathic tendencies.) I realized that I had been making excuses for him and not giving myself enough credit.

As of this day, 7 years later, I can say "Without a doubt, yes." It was worth it. Everything that I've been through has been worth where I stand today. It fucking HURT. I was knocked to my god damn knees over this. I won't candy coat this - it was one of the most painful and heartbreaking things I've ever been through in my life.

However, had I not done this, I would have never found my current partner in crime. (4 years this April, btw.) But I'm not the same person as I was back then. I've been to places on roadtrips and boat rides that I'd have never experienced without going through this. (pic related) I have my own home, my own car, my own career and social life that I've had to build from the bottom up. I'm proud of it and I'm proud that I had the courage to let everything else go. It's beautiful on the other side of the storm, ya know?

I hope this answers ya.

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Thank you so much.