>read how to win friends and influence people
>still no gf or friends
>still have no social skills
>go for coffee with two coworkers, one being my crush
>she spends it talking to the other coworker with their own conversation
Feels really bad man
What do I even say? I try asking questions, but eventually run out tbqh
>tfw she would write to me on our workplace Skype more than talk to me in person
I have a hard time with this stuff as well. I live with two extremely outgoing, gregarious, high energy guys. Whenever I meet people, they're usually around (their social circles are much larger than mine) and they always completely overshadow me. They're so loud, outrageous, and socially dominant that a quiet, introverted person like me seems like a complete non-entity by comparison.
Honestly, one of the strategies that's worked out best for me is to take greentext stories and tell them as though they happened to "a friend of mine". I live a very quiet, passive life that doesn't generate the sort of stories that captivate peoples' attention (and the interesting things I have done are stuff I probably shouldn't talk about except anonymously), so finding a way to turn Jow Forums content into something socially applicable has been a major asset.
Thanks
Though I find it hard to find realistic greentexts that I would be comfortable saying in public and passing off as my own
You guys are trying too hard, there's no real solution that works for everyone. Don't try too hard to win people over, some people can tell what you hide. Don't be ashamed, just try to be casual like anyone else out there and you'll slowly adapt to situations like these when you meet people.
That book is terrible and encourages snakey-ness
That book is retarded
Dale was a cuck
Bump
>tfw they left work together
This, you have to just accept not everyone will like who you are, doesn't mean you should change for them. All you can do is be genuine and most people will respond well to that.
this is a great idea. i definitely recommend scouring /b/ for the best incest and first time gay experiences greentext stories. you'll be a hit at parties.
epbp
While I agree he was a sellout cuck, I still read it from time to time because he got the basics right.
>she spends it talking to the other coworker with their own conversation
the book is working as advertised?
Rule number one: never have a crush - if you feel some sympathy to a person, make this as a statement, don't fantasize about it.
But do you apply what have you read? or do you think that only reading is it magic or something?
I have read that book and a dozen others, forced myself into social situations for years, and although I've improved significantly I still know there's a long way to go.
Keep going. Undoing decades of social retardation doesn't happen overnight.
i try to, yes
Find people with common interests
maybe you're just going after boring people... which is likely because most people suck
honestly I'm so apathetic to other people and everything relating to them that its started causing me problems, everything they have to say to me just sounds like innocuous bullshit.
In order to fit in a little better I've literally resorted to pretending I'm playing a character and I engage people in conversation as if i'm reading lines and pretending to care about what they have to say because its just what the script says I should do, I know its peak autism but it works. Not necessary saying should do the same but faking it till you make it works pretty well desu.
just be yourself
I might have been inclined to believe you if being genuine and trying to approach people had worked for me even once in my 21 years on this planet
Pff. I'd kill to be able to stop caring about others. Honestly, psychopathy sounds like the dopest shit ever.
Canada guy stop shitting up this board with your blogs. Why don't you go to meetups or Facebook events and make friends? Read Models and No more Mr Nice Guy.
you only get better social skills with practice.
just cause somebody else is ignoring you one time doesnt make it everytime. even still who cares? there are othher people n the world to talk to.
if you can talk to your family your can talk to perfect strangers only difference is you dont know them yet.
>if you can talk to your family your can talk to perfect strangers only difference is you dont know them yet.
What of you biggest problem is literally have nothing to say. I genuinely can not hold conversation unless it is work related when I'm pretty much reading a script. Most of the time there is nothing going through my mind to say, most people I know know me to be rather quiet. I'm not even overly shy just literally have nothing to say.
I love you, user.
I am you.
Have you considered the art of faggotry?
I feel you. There's this girl in my uni class that I like with whom I talk and message everyday but it's always school talk, homeworks, projects, etc. I just don't know how to turn it into a more meaningful conversation and she's a bit shy too so that makes it even harder.
Didn't read this real hard but seems like this is missing: You are reading into shit. It could very well be that she writes to you because she wants to talk and she cets clammed up in person. Sounds like you are doing alright to me. You went for coffee. That's something. Do it again without that fucker or anyhow, there are plenty of bitches. Maybe this ones just practice.
That's prolly cause your a shit person.
Introversion is a death sentence
>What do I even say? I try asking questions, but eventually run out tbqh
For me this works at mantaining a conversation:
>make the other party tell a story/talk about something you and they care about and know something about
>Listen carefully and ask relevant questions regarding the topic
Imo it's very cool when you see that other people pay attention to your words, remember them, actually think about what you say. When someone treats your words like they're worthy
Because you are trying to change yourself into someone you cant be, as to why is because you dont understand how it works you just expect it too. so in the end it isnt for you how ever you are going about it. The whole point on how to win friends is to reflect how you are recieved as from people. One problem is that you, and what most people think, that if the opinion of you isnt good then it's bad. When people ask about you and they respond with "eh" that means its neutral. That's a good place to be at. Instead of not recieving positive input you believe it has to be negative as a result. That's not true, simply just find a way to be neutral and go from there with advice from what you read.
>went for coffee again
>again she mostly talked to the other guy
>walked and stood by him for most of the time to and from the coffee shop, again
>initiated conversations by asking him a question
Feels bad
You must be ugly
bump, what do I do differently
Fake the funk
Pretend you're confident
Being confident won't make me be able to come up with things to say and be interesting though
Uh. Speak from your passion. Im totally fucking socially retarded myself but people love me that I don't give a shit about the weather or who won the ball game. Get real with people. Talk about what's important to you. If you can't muster those balls, ask meaningless job interview type questions and let the bitch talk about themselves.
Nothing is really important to me. I do watch a lot of movies, but i can't really talk about them at length
I hate my life and feel stuck all the time tbqh
Hmm. Now this is troubleshooting. If nothing is important to you and you realize this, you may be getting closer to the root of your problems. Find importance or make it important that "nothing is important "
She feels uncomfortable talking to you in person it’s no different than how you feel about talking to her in public just attempt to talk to her in the office and if it doesn’t work just joke about talking in real life
literally just be yourself
bump
Stop caring what they think or being a pussy who looks for validation from them. The woman who you like will likely see you in a better light if you stop being such a pansy.
problem what you think is genuine is still forcing your personality out. That is not what I mean. I mean you need to be your best genuine self and to do that you need to have a good time, smile, and seem like you are content with things. That's what it means. You just show how you are content in you own way.
See a therapist.
been to multiple. when it comes to social skills they just tell me to try more
just say 'hi, good morning/how are you' to people i know at work
i do this already.
the hard part is coming up with things to actually say
These therapists sucks, I found out that I sucked in social situations because I always tried to find the "perfect" thing to say to be interesting, which is always coming up as forced or artificial, and people can sense that.
I used to view conversations IRL as conversations in games: there's ONE good conversation path and I have to find it.
Once I learned to stop giving a fuck and inviting people into MY reality things changed, I stopped being so agreeable, if I disagreed with everyone in the group I would voice it (in an non-autistic manner though), I used to run away from disagreement but I found out it's the best thing in a conversation, or at least the most exciting.
Also: you might be hanging out with people who are simply not for you, don't force yourself, once I found the right people the conversations started to naturally flow.
My personal advice: don't seek validation, don't be afraid to walk away, always have something on your mind that stimulates YOU and eventually you'll get naturally into conversations, don't try too hard.
A practical example: I was looking for ways to make money by building a niche app on my free time but I had no idea, I started asking pretty much everyone "what's the worst/most annoying part of your job?", you'd be surprised at how much people can talk about this. I haven't asked because I wanted to "talk about their job", I asked because it was of interest to me, so I was genuinely interest into them, they became interested into my conversation.
That's what you get for trying to study your way through being social. It's not as much of a "science" as a stupid book like this will make it seem. People are too complicated for something like that to work. Rather, its best to develop an understanding of human interaction/nuance through exposure and failure. You may seem insecure or cringey at first, but it will teach you way better than some dumb book
Not OP.
You already seemed to be in social situations regularly and sounds like you had a friend group (or multiple).
I wish I were in situations where I can practice new behavior but it's already enough of a challenge to even find situations where I'm around people.
>You already seemed to be in social situations regularly and sounds like you had a friend group (or multiple).
Not really, I moved to a new place, got into a shared flat and pretty much said "yes" to everything, I ended up in a lot of awkward social situations but eventually it made me a bit better every time, I still suck a lot because my old ways tends to surface when I'm depressed (and I'm very much depressed right now).
>I wish I were in situations where I can practice new behavior but it's already enough of a challenge to even find situations where I'm around people.
Meetups are good, I agree it's not easy especially once you're out of school, getting roommates helped a lot for me. You can try a sport, combat is great because it's mostly male (I will assume you're a guy), gym classes, festivals, art events (exhibits, experimentations), volunteering (you want to make a better place? there are plenty of people who needs help around you, if you don't feel comfortable with people, try animal shelters), someone earlier talked about improv class, I never tried it but it sounds good, urban farms, any kind of associative life is good because it's easy to get in.
A good side effect of all of that: it'll make you more interesting.
Also: read "No more Mr. Nice Guy", helped me tremendously to understand some of my underlying shortcomings.
Yeah I have my own studio apartment now so don't have much contact with neighbors.
In one way it's really comfy but maybe a little too comfy. Maybe I should try looking at moving.
I've been going to the gym since last week and I try to find things to do every weekend no matter how small but I guess I should find more to do.
How did you deal with not having someone to vent to?
I find it very difficult that I basically have to walk this path entirely alone without someone being there for support. It makes it difficult to keep going.
>I've been going to the gym since last week and I try to find things to do every weekend no matter how small but I guess I should find more to do.
Take it easy, baby steps, but this is the right attitude: approach life as a game, most people don't care about you so take advantage of that to experiment.
>How did you deal with not having someone to vent to?
I went to a therapist, it was beneficial in my case.
>I find it very difficult that I basically have to walk this path entirely alone without someone being there for support.
I agree it's hard, but as you open to new people you'll find out that you're not alone, even people who seems like they're sociable and with a lot of support are actually quite alone. Sometimes I find life to be terrifying, like how am I supposed to deal with all of that madness day to day? Then I simply go out, for a walk, I listen to some music, read a fiction book I like and it reminds me that we're making everything look so much harder than it actually is. I think it's a survival automatism, we always mentally prepare for the worst.
You're not alone in your struggle, believe me, even that popular attractive guy who looks like he got everything figured out can crash pretty hard if he gets it at the right place, and even him is not immune to existential crisis at 3 in the morning.
Observe what popular/friendly do and mimmick them. Reading a book is not social and will not teach you how to be social
I love you user.
Keep fighting.
I try, one thing I notice is that they always have funny or interesting stories that involve friends. Things they've done together, funny/stupid things their friends have done (usually while drunk), etc
I have no such stories
I love you too user, you're not alone in the fight, we're all fighting.
Bro you have Jow Forums. I've been using stories from here as "happening to my friend" for 10 years. If it's a notorious story, I'll just say I read it online, people don't care as long as its entertaining.
Really? The stories here never happen to me, and usually they're not someone I'd say to other people (they're often NSFW or involve negative values, like racism)
Can't think of a good story from here that id be willing to say in public
bump