Sudden break-up during Thru-Hike

My girlfriend of 1 an 1/2 yr just broke up with me. We were on a long distance relationship from the beginning: she's in the states, and I'm in France, but we've been able to see each other a few weeks every month, which has been amazing. (She visited me a couple of times, I visited her a couple of times, we've been on vacation together, and spent some fantastic time together).

We were both in awful segments of our lives before meeting each other. She was dealing with the recent loss of her brother while I was living nightmare in an abusive girlfriend. And then we met and went through that. She would always say that I brought her happiness back and she really started to bloom from that point.
We saw each other last month, she was visiting for two weeks and we were both very sad that she was leaving.

Right after she left, she started a thru-hike from the Mexican border to the Canadian border, which she has been planning before we even met. I was very excited for her as I knew it would be a big deal for her, as hiking was always something important for her and her brother, so I thought it could be very beneficial for her and would make her happy.

Three weeks in the trail she called in (last night), to tell me it was over. That she had found her true self, and that she was thrilled to be alone. And now that I'm out I don't know what to do... It's like she changed in a blink, and realized that she doesn't need any future right now. And certainly not a future with me.
She is moving for her job after she will be done and told me that it would be the occasion to start from a blank page and that she doesn't want to do any plan right now, and just live her trail experience fully.
She explained to me she preferred to be honest with me and told me right away, instead of dumping me after the trail.

How screwed am I? Is there something smart I can do to win her back when she's done? Any related story, of somebody leaving because he/she decided to be alone very suddenly?

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>Three weeks in the trail she called in (last night), to tell me it was over. That she had found her true self, and that she was thrilled to be alone.

For starters, take a moment to appreciate how awesome it is to have such a clean and non-negotiable break-up. Furthermore, how awesome is it to have been considered by a partner who can actually self-determine?

Sure, it sucks that you don't fit whatever she thinks her needs are. It hurts. You know what, though? She thought highly enough of you to declare, unequivocally, exactly what the relationship was or was not. Read some other /adv threads and you'll quickly see the difference, user.

Still hurts. I know. Don't try to waste your (or her) time by "winning" her back; she's not a prize to be won. Be cool with her, thank her for declaring her intentions clearly and honestly, and be sure to do the same when it's your turn to break up with someone.

Non, c'est fini. Elle n'a aucun respect pour toi.

If she can do this once, she can do this twice. Surely there is a way to bring her back, but she's raised her price higher than her worth. It's not worth it.

Remember that people lie, especially people who don't have respect for you. All those excuses she gave you for the breakup, are just that, excuses. They're false and not the real reason. She did not tell your the truth. I hope this is obvious to you. The truth is that she doesn't respect you.

Btw hmu if you live in Paris... [email protected]

Reading OP's full story, it sounds like she used him as an emotional tampon, and after she was done milking him, she discarded him like trash. She sounds like a user who wanted free support, excuses to visit France, and the temporary bragging rights of having a French bf. I'm not sensing any goodness nor altruism in her.

Thanks for the kind Jow Forumsice.

I am so sad though...
It was so sudden! I can't seem to be able to process it correctly. And it hurt even more than she told me I had been perfect with her, and exactly what she needed. I am glad I could be the person that put her back on track but also destroyed to have lost such an amazing person in my life.
I know it is still very fresh, but it hurt badly.

She was good and kind and always have been supportive. She helps me get in touch with my new boss for my job, was alway enthusiast that I picked up new activities and was genuinely happy when I was.

Plus, she also paid us a trip to Central America, and we shared most of our expenses when we were together. She is really not the person you seems to describe.

>She would always say that I brought her happiness back
She's codependent, used you for status and to climb out of her problems, then the moment she squeezed the bulk out of you, she is GONE.

Do you really not see this? Cause it's kindaaa obvious. Why do you think she really dumped you? If you guys were genuinely so happy, then what happened?

Sorry, but no, not all was perfect. You're dumped by her for no reason and you're STILL rushing to her aid like a weak boy.

Also consider that you had an abusive ex-gf. You attracted another, only except she was much more clever. Tell me, did this American girl ever drive you crazy, make you doubt yourself, find yourself apologizing a lot?

Once the curtain of love fades from your heart, you'll be able to see all this clearly. You're just in love with her, is all.

Central America costs pennies. I'm hunching that she took the trip because she wanted to go and be adventurous, and was either obligated to take you, or considered you arm candy for her bragging rights with her friends and social media.

I'm not even trying to be cynical. Just nothing you told me so far rings like a good girl.

Like what makes a GOOD woman? Think about goodness.

It's not buying you things, it's not favors, cheap this-and-thats.... it's honesty, love, kindness, not getting angry, empathy, stuff like this.

And when you stand up for this woman, you don't describe anything good about her; YOU DESCRIBE SOMETHING SHE BOUGHT FOR YOU.

That's where I don't understand. When I met her it was so u likely that we would stay in touch. I was on a trip to the US, met her one night, we are both emotionally wrecked and I refused to give my contact infos.
I got back to France, and after a few day I realised I needed to be out of my previous relationship and broke up with my ex.
And then I contacted her, and the long distance relationship started at that point.

I never doubted in myself With her and she always supported all my initiatives, and I never had to apologize for anything to her, as we both trusted each other. She has always pushed me forward.
And there isn't much to take away from me anyway, I am very Junior in my career in a socialist country.

And we always sticked together enven thought the LDR is the the ideal way to drive a love relationship.

>How screwed am I?
nah, you're good
you two didn't live together, just a couple month of grieve then it'd be gone

>Is there something smart I can do to win her back when she's done?
no, she's gone

>Any related story, of somebody leaving because he/she decided to be alone very suddenly?
my recent gf broke up with me because she's not ready for a relationship,
I left my first gf because I wanted to move to another country and start a new life which I did

Well you know her better than I do, It's possible that I'm wrong.

But even still, you're not describing any virtues about her. You're only describing how you guys could used each other. It's like you found each other when you were both in need. Then you helped each others need. Then after you don't need anything anymore, there is no relationship left because you're not loving each others virtues. You're only loving what you have to offer each other. And yeah, with nothing more to offer, then of course there's no more "fake love".

I really hope you can comprehend me, even if you disagree. Even if I'm mostly wrong, that only means I'm a little right. And from that, you should maybe learn something.

I agree with what you're saying. I am probably just making a poor job out of describing her.
But I know she is kind, generous, encouraging, funny, hardworking and so smart.
I was with her on a week during evaluations at her job, she was so passionate about it and serious in her work. And she love sharing that with me, as well as I was sharing with her. She has never been clingy or trying to impose herself or anything else on me. She would perfectly understand when I went on mountaineering trips, that I would not call her and she was never a bitch about it.

We were slowly making plans to cut the distance and she was excited to be with me. She was very open with me in general, and I am sad to lose such a good friend.

>kind, generous, encouraging, funny, hardworking and so smart.
Only kindness and generosity are virtues

May I ask, how was she kind and generous? What did she do to show it?

She always took the time to discuss with people, would have special attentions for me when we were together. Surprise breakfast, massages, she help me talk through my depression when I struggled with my job and show me how I am good at doing it and was very proud of me for that.
She helped one of here college professor dealing with a harsh breakup and took care of her kid. She is really going out of her way to help people. She is absolutely not a saint figure that would give out to anybody (but really who is?), but I think she did good around her.
She was just present and ready to listen and talk.
And I would do the same to her, I was listening and caring.

Thanks user, I'm not trying to hammer you, but when I ask for examples of kindness, you start talking about things she did, or bought. Not really kindness.

To me, it sounds like she's buy and selling favors to people.

So right now, I'm trying to highlight what I see
>you have an abusive ex, so you're probably vulnerable to bad women
>you met this new girl when you're both in a fit of depression, in a state of need
>the need vanishes, and instantly does her love for you, too
>the breakup was weird, strange circumstances, with gaslight excuses and no apparent reason
>but you felt like everything was great, perfect, and happy.
>And even after the breakup, you're shielding her bad choices
>When I ask for examples of kindness, you give examples of purchases and action, but not virtue
>and my gut tells me she has no love nor respect for you
So this is not looking good. I'm trying to find reasons to believe in her, but I can't. I suspect she lied to you and manipulated you for person gain. And you're used to this treatment, demonstrated by how you continue to protect her, and your vulnerability to bad women.

Why do you believe she broke up? What do you think the truth is?

For example, I dated a terrible woman in Poland. She was a liar, didn't sympathize with anyone, selfish. Terrible.

But she DID a lot. She would easily do any favor you asked of her. Would always listen, and seem to help, but she was clever and selfish.

She did a lot, but was not good.

That's what I'm suggesting your girlfriend is. People do this when they're scared or insecure. Like when a woman believes she has nothing to offer, no reason to be loved, she overcompensates by doing lots of favors out of fear. Women have this fear of not being loved. It's very easy to mistake this fear for love.

So what I think happened, is that she didn't love you, she never did, she just feared to lose you and did whatever she thought she had to, to keep you. Until one day she didn't have the fear anymore. Once the fear is gone, then like poof, you are gone.

That's what I believe happened.

And BECAUSE OF THAT.... my advice to you is to seriously work on two things:
>your gullibility, understand that some people are liars
>what attracts you to these invirtuous women
Meditate, think, therapy, ask your friends for help -- do whatever you have to do. But figure out what you like about these bad women. What security do they give you? What hole do they fill?

Work this out before you enter your next relationship.

I know you have a broken heart. I know you fell in love with her, and love blinds, it's really hard to see the bad stuff. It happened to me, too. Right now my priority is to save you from falling into another terrible relationship like this ever again. This break up will pass. You'll recover soon, everyone does, so I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about your future. Really think about this girl and your abusive ex. Know the signs. There's a good girl out there waiting for you to find her. She'll love you and take care of you properly, like nothing else you ever experienced. Plan for her.

Thank you user for sticking with me. I think I also mostly need to talk to people.

And well, I'd like to be able to do exactly what you are saying: find her bad tendencies and the way she was negative for me. But I simply can't.
It was so straightforward for my abusive ex. She had terrible habits and she was dragging me down. And I realized when I met the LDR girl that I could simply stop accepting and change my ways for somebody.

I guess it has a lot to do with the nature of LDR, but I had so much space for myself to grow, and would only be encouraging and caring. And I just wanted to do the same thing for her. Damn, I even went from not believing in my research job, to being invited to give lectures across Europe and America. And she was the one telling me that I was brilliant and should not give up.
And I honestly felt the same way for her and wish her the same fulfillment in her career as I am enjoying right now.

I am not actively trying to shield her; rather I can't figure out what was going wrong if something really was.
She helped me have a great opinion of myself, I now am confident in my day to day life, in my work, I am at peace with my family (she helped me reconcile with my sister). So I owe her a lot, and I just feel like something very important for me, that was boosting me all the time, is gone. And I couldn't do anything about it.

I believe she found a better looking guy during her trip and had sex with him
You should just move on

cont.
I do am a better man for dating this woman, and I was getting fullfiled. I also helped her, and I always trusted her as she trusted me.
I think we were both very supportive for each other.

The big common point all of my exes have, is that they had something bad happening in their youth. My first girlfriend had been raped by her first boyfriend, my last ex had been abused by her uncle, and she lost her brother in a very violent way. I think she was likable, but not popular and her brother was immensely close and important to her.
So all of the women I had were broken. I successfully got one up on her feet, but now she left me. And I do believe she doesn't want to plan any future right now. I also think it is delusional, but that probably feel right to her.
I mean, when you are out all day walking and meeting new people, it is going to lead to thinking and questioning and eventually change. I though she would be strong enough not to be fucked up by getting into a different world with different rules.

I'm just going off what you're telling me and how it feels to me.

> I can't figure out what was going wrong if something really was.
You should really do this. People don't just leave people they love like that, especially not that easily.

>So I owe her a lot
It's possible that you were taking so much and she was giving. I doubt it, though, because you sound like a great guy to me. But if you think it's possible you didn't do enough, it's something to consider.

Anyway Je suis au bureau maintenant et je dois rentrer à la maison. Je répondrai plus tard ce soir peut-être.. Mais maintenant, au revoir

I thought about this, too. I dated a girl once who hiked a lot. She hiked 500km through the tonto mountains in slovakia/poland. She would easily meet single guys and hike with them for days at a time. You can only imagine what happens when you're hiking, in the middle of remote mountains, with the same guy for days and camping together.

Another girl I know hitchhiked around Iceland and met guys too.

I think any girl that does stuff like this alone, is definitely getting fucked by someone. But OP said she was with her brother, so I dismissed it.

She had plenty of opportunities for that while in the LDR. I am more enclined to think something changed deeply in her mind.

>I mean, when you are out all day walking and meeting new people
Yeah but not like this. What she did sounds like a mouse trap, spring cocked, ready to snap. All she needed was a feather to land on it.

Real, great relationships are not affected whatsoever by talking to other. If anything they're made stronger because you brag about all that you have.

But OP, that sentence I just quoted ^^^^ Is you making excuses for her. You're doing it again. These excuses are not helping you grow.

>How screwed am I? Is there something smart I can do to win her back when she's done?
dont

she has been through a lot, and it's very understandable she wants to make a fresh start, without anything to remind her of the past.

Her brother passed away 2 years ago, she is doing this solo. Hiking and outdoors were just a big part of who her brother was and how they spent time together.
And I really think if she just wanted somebody else to fuck she already had occasions to do so. How easier does it get than in a LDR? She was in a big city with plenty of folks. So I tend to dismiss it.

It's so unfortunate... I already was her fresh start. When we started dating she was able to get through depression and move forward in life.

I am aware that it's really pointless to hope for any changes. She gave me her decision and she is not the type to go back on her thoughts for nothing. But I am emotionally messed up right now so I have all sorts of bizarre hope and nostalgic feelings going on. I just wish I can get through this and find the part of me I feel she ripped-off.