Why do girls use the “it’s not you it’s me” card when it comes to break ups...

Why do girls use the “it’s not you it’s me” card when it comes to break ups? Every other girl I dated tells me they “need time for themselves to reflect and want space from me” but claim it’s not me but them mostly. Is this a lie or just a way for them to conceal that it’s mostly my fault and not theirs?

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Because it's the least offensive way to end it. And sometimes it's really the case; you're just incompatible.

Besides, if the person were about to list yours faults that lead to it, you might get defensive or even aggressive and it's rarely worth the risk.

Pretty much this, it's a way to let you down gently. Also I've had men do this to me pretty much every time they broke up with me, it's not restricted to one gender..

Yeah, I'm a guy and it's my go to line too.

I'm not a girl, but my last relationship ended like this. I realized she just wasn't the one for me. It wasn't anything she did, it was my own preferences, and realizing after what was closing in on a year together, I'd incorrectly identified the kind of person I wanted to date.

There was no fixing it, there was no making it work... just one person who didn't satisfy me like I thought she would.

I'd rather they tell me all the things that put them off about me desu. I can take it. Not knowing is more painful.

Well, specially for women there is a risk. And for all genders it's more likely to avoid drama.

In the end you can still ask for details and frame it as "what could've I've done better"; and not getting fucking defensive if they actually tell you. Also obviously make clear that you're just want the information for that and not in an attempt to rekindle the shit that's gone.

That's implying there's something about you that needs to be fixed, man.

Like, I'm the same guy who dumped his girl. Wanna know one of the things that drove me crazy about her? She liked to surprise me with food when I got off work. I hated that, because I like eating what I want, when I want. But I knew it was coming from a good place, and a ton of guys would beg for that.

Similarly, she was always concerned about "looking like a slut" in public, and was very conservatively dressed, but in private, wanted to fool around all the time, and would do whatever I asked. Some guys would absolutely love that. It just didn't happen to be me. I couldn't go from zero to 60 that fast.

So, like phrase goes, it was me, not her.

I'll try that, thanks. I'm preparing for what seems inevitable.

Even then, I'd rather have an adult conversation about what wasn't working than just leave it all on the cliche. Maybe I'm being an autist but I value openness I guess.

That's a respectable opinion, but for a lot of people it's no fun to shit on you when they're already breaking it off with you, and also more often than not, opens up that shitty conversation where people think they can fix whatever is wrong and save the relationship.

A lot of times it's so much more than shit you can just magically fix for your next relationship, it's just something where you have to accept it didn't work and move on.

It's a default excuse people use when they just want to end a relationship without putting in the effort to come up with a reason why.

When a woman says she needs space or some time for herself, what she really means is that she wants time to try new dicks. She wants to fuck randoms she meets at a bar, or is already fucking them and just doesn't want to feel guilty. Until she gets bored or she'll come back to you and by that time she'll be a used up cumdumpster. Sorry to say. Believe me, I went through the same shit.

Accept it, move on with it, and leave it in the past.

People start dating or a relationship not really knowing the other person but hoping it will turn into something good. More often than not, it doesn't. No one is really to blame - it just didn't gel. And that's really what they mean with "It's not you" or "I'm not ready" or other no-fault explanations

I get what you mean, user, and I sympathize with you, but it's hard to do that. For example, I broke up with a wonderful guy recently because some of our core values didn't line up. It wasn't like we fought about them and the values weren't inherently bad/good, but I wasn't happy about grey-area things, like financial attitudes. Yeah, I could have told him that I didn't like that all he did was pinch pennies, but who am I to judge? What if he meets a great girl who clicks with him and also barely spends? If I had told him that when we were breaking up, I'm sure it would have been an insecurity of his for a long time.

My point is, unless the dumpee is doing abusive shit, it's not productive to critique a person or a relationship when it's over. It just hurts the dumpee more.

Life is hard, relationships are hard. You can both be good people, good to each other, and STILL not work out.

>Yeah, I could have told him that I didn't like that all he did was pinch pennies, but who am I to judge?
It's something you can tell in a non judgemental way perfectly fine. Like the way you wrote it here.

stop
I want to believe there's a way to be with her again
it cannot end like this

Evade feeling like the bad guy, duh. Nobody wants to be the one who dumps. This is true everywhere you go. It's not like, a terrible villainous thing, people just don't usually want to deliberately and knowingly hurt others.

Oh shit I missed this reply, ignore my shit, this guy's on the real deal.
Relationships aren't just 'SEX AND LOOK GOOD.' There's a lot of nuance and pedantic shit that nobody pays attention to in reality.

Because as self absorbed as you are to think everything is about you, not everything is actually about you.

What would you want to hear instead? What she means is "It's you, I don't like you enough." and that's fine.
At some point, if you don't click together, it's time to move on. And let's face it, this is for the best. Would you rather realize it down the line when you live together and have kids?

Breaking up sucks, but it's a good thing. It means you stop wasting time that could instead be spent finding that somebody that *is* the perfect match, that somebody you will marry and spend your life with.